half marathon and halloween

it's official...i am registered for my first half-marathon...my friend granola-sis-extraordinaire is joining me...OA said there is no backing out now...if i try to back out he's gonna tie me to the back of a car and drag me for 13.1 miles...

i sooo married that man for his looks...speaking of...i need to post the pic of how hot he looks in his sunglasses...oh, sorry...

anyhow...we started training this week...monday starts the official 19 week countdown...any takers?? little rock marathon...come on...i think solar should SO do this with me!! i'm working on a great play list...would love any suggestions...

tonight was great...the kiddos traded their hard earned trick or treated candy for a special toy...worked out great for OA...who insisted that i buy candy instead of fruit to pass out...again...the dynamics of a granola marrying a preppy jock...at least we still flirt (when we aren't refraining from killing each other)...

santa claus and candy disclaimer

please, especially, if you are a stranger happening onto my blog...i am SO not trying to offend...definitely not trying to call anyone names...mostly trying to speak out against the extremes...and sadly...very recently...more than several times...my or my friend's children...have been pitied or ridiculed for their diets...THAT's what frustrates me...well and the request for every child to bring a freaking bag of candy...i won't go there again *smile*

and on the santa issue...

i have always struggled with this area...i most definitely want my children to have a spectacular childhood...i would NEVER EVER infringe my personal convictions on any other family...i have a unique situation in that my son is very literal...his mind doesn't explain away white lies...or fantasies...we have to clearly lay out what is real and what is imaginary...i trust that God is constantly revealing Himself to my children...i simply never want to cloud those revelations with "believable fantasies"...we watch santa movies and read santa books...we just don't make a big deal...beauty of my children...much like their special diets...the less of a deal i make about it...the less they care!

we didn't do santa at all one year...then last year...i caved to the INCREDIBLE peer pressure...and we emphasized him a bit more...allowing him the main present under the tree...but this year...knowing what i know now about j-bob's thought processes...i will not be making that same mistake again...

again...this is MY personal conviction...everyone has their own...please...ESPECIALLY...if you are not familiar with my tired rants...please don't take offense to my thoughts...they are simply that...my thoughts...i do appreciate everyone's comments...sometimes they cause me to back up and re-read my entry with a different perspective...i am learning...it's better to disclaimer a thought than run the risk of injuring another's feelings!

thank you dear readers for the time you give to my tired rants!

can u tell i have free time!!??

last post i promise...

WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST ON CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS WITH FAT-INDUCING- CHEMICAL-FILLED-TEETH-AND-BRAIN-ROTTING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

whew...i feel better now...sadly i am not attending b-bob's school "fall festival" as it is centered around "games" that offer candy as the reward...aka centered around candy...i can assure each and every dear reader that if my son's fall festival occurs during the school hours, and can i add, that EVERY PARENT was asked to bring a BAG OF CANDY... really??? how many bags of candy is that really!!?? to school...WHAT THE HECK ARE WE TEACHING OUR KIDS!!?? is it just this ridiculous in the south?? i already want to move to oregon...or even montana...oh...back to if his festival is during school hours...i will be OUTRAGED!

but come on...and yet i, and my circle of friends (thanks to my daughters montessori preschool), are looked on as such radicals (yes...montessori is a religious cult and they chant and...JOKE...it's an educational philosophy)...

the sad whispers that follow us as we walk away: i mean, how sad, i can't believe they don't let their kids have candy!!?? ...judgey stares penetrate our backs...

the best is the public outrage when we dare suggest an alternative to candy...

seriously...i almost cannot stand it...dear Lord...can you imagine if they knew i don't want my kids to believe in santa claus??!! i'd be seriously stoned...you know...down here in the Bible belt...sigh...

Lord, seriously....please help me to be just as tolerant to peoples' close mindedness...as they are to my open mindedness...

i honestly can't figure out why american children are struggling with diabetes, obesity, behavior problems, allergies...hmmm...(scratching head...puzzled look)!?

you know...kids do like healthy food, too! isn't it sad that many parents don't even realize this!? and the best part is how sweet those cookies do taste...in moderation.

please no pity for my household...my five year old and three year old are teaching me about self-control and good choices...mermaid cries if her daddy eats "chemicals"...they both cry if i offer to only feed them junk food so that they will stop growing up to be healthy:

NO mommy...give us helfee food...pwease...we want to grwow up helfee!

artwork

ok...i must say that i feel like quite the pc genius right now...i hope this comes through...and since i am awful at sending the collections of artwork to the kiddos nana and pop-pop and grandma bush...i am attempting to ease my guilty conscience by scanning and posting, as i am not limited by daylight and business hours! though...i do have said collection ready...it's simply (and sadly) affording the envelopes and stamps...really...times are tough...as we all know...i am thankful for in-laws who never ever make me feel guilty and are always so understanding...

anyhow...i love this picture...it's our house and dog...and his first attempts at making clouds...he always puts apples in his trees as his school just had an apple theme...i will try and dig out his picture of two ships...the details were incredible...

also, mermaid is quite the artist...she's been writing her name for several months now...and i swear she will be able to teach kindergarten by the time she gets there...i am actually worried she will be bored...much like her daddy...she is WAY ahead of her times...geez...speaking of mermaid...this morning she ran up to her daddy and wrapped her arms around his neck...smacked a big kiss (despite the fact that it would "mess up her wipstick!!??")...and said:

i wuv you daddy, i wuv you daddy, i wuv you daddy...

i think the OA almost cried...she's never ever been so loving to him...can we get a HALLELUJAH for gluten free casein free soy free egg free and dye free...i fear soon to be corn free too...but you know what...bring it on...we are healthier and happier than ever...sigh!

parent teacher conference

i sat outside the room half trying to listen to the other parent's report...as i looked around the growingly familiar hall...i started noticing...j-bob's work is virtually undetectable from the other kids...his teacher came to the door...thanked the parent before me...and in i went...

was i really nervous? seriously? i talk to this teacher every day...but this was different...this was about test scores and comparisons...it's gone against everything i have been protecting myself and my child against for at least a year....even our play dates are carefully selected perfectly imperfect children OR extremely compassionate and accepting children.

"this will only take a minute," i heard her say...

"jaden is a wonderful little boy," she continued...

"he only received a needs improvement in one area: neatness of work"

"just so you know...that's very typical for his age"

"the number three is the highest he can receive...it means at or above level"

as she continued to talk i found myself rapidly scanning the papers in front of me...all threes...she was still talking, and i was holding back the tears that were stinging my eyes...my God...i only had one question:

well...as the year continues...and his work intensifies...will you be able to know if he is going to have any significant learning disabilities...because...his OT (brilliant woman) was seeing some possible red flags for dyslexia...but i am thinking...he's going to be ok? i just don't want to get my hopes up...it's just...i never imagined he'd be doing so well so quickly...(i kept my composure but on the inside...actually...there is no adequate words to describe the realization that the battle we have been fighting together as a family...was slowly beginning to bring us out as the possible victors...)

i hugged the papers in my arms...my son had all A's...my son had all A's...with little to no work modification...he asks and answers content relevant questions...my son...the little boy who no less than one year ago was jumping on the trampoline for four hours with his patient father as his withdrawl symptoms were at their worst...the little boy who no less than a year ago had NO imaginative play...who just began asking questions at all...much less relevant content related...my son...who God has never failed...ever...

we still have hurdles...but i am not as scared...not as worried...at least today...for today i am singing and dancing in celebration of my son's success...

thank You God. we are so very very blessed.

and another thing

out of curiosity...this is coming from a statistic i just read about adhd and ritalin...why in the WORLD would we not examine diets before giving our children meds that affect their brain???

anyhow...since we have changed the mermaid's diet...her need for discipline has decreased by 60%!!!!?????? everyone coming into direct contact with her has noticed the change...what did i do??? i removed gluten, casein, soy, and chemicals from her diet...the few more minutes of menu planning and cooking is far better spent than the constant interruption from temper tantrums and negative behavior. she isn't "perfect"...she's still a willful three year old...but now...finally...we are getting to know our little girl, and we are also able to successfully address, in love, the issues at hand.

i must also add...when you have a chronically unhappy child...it becomes very demoralizing...it is essential for us as parents to make sure we are setting our children up for success...it's hard because we can't ignore bad behavior just because a child is miserable...but i find it almost wrong to constantly punish a child who is reacting from chemicals and food...unfortunately...the "issues" i still have to deal with in mermaid...consists of an entire year of excusing bad behavior due to her "inability" to control herself...it's a fine line...i just wish every parent with an excessively unhappy child could know about diet modification...

j-bob has successfully saved his sister's life (or at least the value of her life's experience)...it's true that the oldest is the learning curve for all that follow...how i praise my God for revealing to me not to hold my daughter down for her shots...sigh...and even though it's a year later...how thankful i am that my family is finally gfcf...the changes in my daughter completely amaze me...and they give me hope...

hope that someday my son can come home and tell me how is day was at school...hope that eventually it won't hurt j-bob to look me in the eyes...hope that eventually i won't have to act as a translator for my son to the rest of the world...hope that he will know beyond a shadow of a doubt with his very literal and scientific mind that he has a God so big...He makes autism look so very small.

holy mocha soy latte batman

ok sorry...the kiddos are hooked on scooby doo these days...now that they are 3 and 5, i have taken a more laid back approach on "educational only" tv...there's only so much dora one person can handle...i haven't given in to the sponge bob revolution...mainly bc j-bob already finds humor in the disgusting, and i am constantly having to remind him that the school may not find his "pee and poo" humor quite as funny as we do...he happens to be the child of two parents who still laugh if someone passes gas...very pre-adolescent humor...oh well...to each his own...i have found myself relating a story and half way through thinking: dear Lord...i am in my 30's...this isn't supposed to be so funny...hence the half-opened-disbelieving-looks on my friends...well...no my friends are all pretty great about being real...it's when i branch out to other's friends (i am a friend snob...only real friends for me...well...sometimes i can sense someone just needs some real-ness encouragement...it's always great to watch an unreal adult branch out and become real)

okok...totally off on a tangent...gotta study...hence the very few blog entries...BUT...i wanted to leave you all on these thoughts...

this morning i was honored to sit in the middle of j-bob's social skills group. there are four other boys on the spectrum ranging from 5-9 years of age. we were playing a game...the WH-game. they had a picture in front of them and had to answer when, what, why, who, and where questions...truly...my heart melted at the difficulty of this game for some of them. but they didn't get all hung up on the struggles...instead they pushed ahead...kept trying until they got the right answer...and listening to their giggles and supportive "conversations" was great...the fact that five boys with autism were having to be reminded to have quiet mouths and to stop giggling...just like "regular" kids...but the best part was watching them get to pick their prize at the end...you would think that this was the hardest decision they would ever have to make...i love it...

but my most most favorite part was when the other moms were discussing the future sessions with the therapist...instead i got the sweetest young man talking to me about all kinds of things i know nothing about (specific airplanes)...but his spirit...my goodness...it is so incredibly sweet...they all surrounded me and totally invaded my personal space...i loved it...there is something about thinking outside the box...i think the scariest part of autism well...the understood-half-recovered-my-child's-no-longer-in-pain-autism...is the reaction and ignorance of those outside our (other families with autism) world...when i am with my family at home...i rarely see what i don't have...when with playing with other families who has a special needs kiddo...i rarely see what i don't have...it's only when i am faced with the real world...the questions, the assumptions, the inability to speak outside the box...

today...i see more than what i don't have...i see what other people don't have...i see these amazingly brilliant children willing to fight to answer a WH-question...not because they want to impress someone...not because their mommy might be disappointed...but because...well...that's the name of the game...i mean really...isn't that what the rules said to do...HA...the literalness...it's so amazingly refreshing...

talk about real. and that's the part society can't handle...that's the part i never want recovered!

100th post...the pressure!!??

gosh...i've been mind-blogging all week...so many good things i have had stored up in my mind...only to forget them all the minute i realize that this is my 100th blog!!?? have i really rambled 100 different times?

well we must throw in a *sigh*

i am happy. i think the diet's working...i am happy, losing weight, experiencing considerably less in the anxiety department...did i mention i was happy? it's really a crazy feeling...i struggled for happiness for so long...much like i think my daughter has...and all along...it's been sitting right there...but the crap i was eating was fogging up my brain...or shall i say "happiness-o-meter"...oh americans...how vain we are...we so cannot see the forest through the trees...that would require getting outside and slowing down a bit...

today my children fed ducks, got muddy, went to their gi-maws house, played outside well into the dark...their gi-paw set up tents, and they played with flashlights and balked at the half moon...it was a night made of keepable memories...today my son brought his "skills" and my daughter brought her smile...it was wonderful...they have friends, they have family (and some family far away that our hearts miss dearly!), and they have Jesus...j-bob's prayer over dinner...i cannot remember specifics...only the way he scrunches up his face and earnestly squeezes his fists in prayerful petition to a God he trusts with his childlike faith...it's so very comforting.

God is always faithful...He even helps with little things like...bitterness and resentment...a few weeks ago i was ready to run...run away from all i loved...i truly felt the world was crushing the life out of me...today...i am so glad i threw myself at His loving Mercy...that i didn't give up...that He is the giver of all good things...my mother-in-law told me once: always think it (decisions)forward...

i am thankful for those wise words...i have listened and done just as she said...and so far...it and God's Grace are what has helped me get through the hard times...out of the valley and back on the mountain!

keepable memories...i love days like today...oh, God...that my children will know You are the giver of keepable memories...wrap Your protective hands around their lives...thank You...sigh, sigh, sigh...(good sighs!)

mother warriors~jenny mccarthy

i couldn't read this book as fast as louder than words...i think i wanted to marinate over each story.

the other day OA and i were trying to find a parking space at the lovely wal-mart. an elderly lady was crossing the crosswalk area with her walker...we had to wait what seemed forever for her to get by...my window was down and she kindly looked up and apologized...my heart squeezed little twinges of pain..."no, take your time," was all i said...as i watched her i wondered: is she lonely...does her family visit...is her husband still alive...why is she all alone? i told OA all the thoughts i had while watching her...he shook his head...i have been accused of over analyzing things too much...but i cannot help it...i struggle with carrying other's pain...my motto: i am a good shoulder to cry with, not on...is very much true.

so, reading these stories...well...yes they offered hope...but they also ripped my heart open...wide open and exposed fears, disappointments, and frustrations that i have energetically buried.

as i experienced today with merminator...a day i am hoping is a result of withdrawal sprinkled with behavior issues...instead of behavior issues sprinkled with withdrawal...i am reminded...it's not easy to be a mother...special needs child or not...motherhood is by far the most demanding, frustrating, humbling, mind-blowing thing i have/will ever do. it's also rewarding but on days like today...i find myself just thankful to have made it through. honestly, i am not a good mom...but i am a humble and thankful mom...humble and thankful sprinkled with a little bit of exhaustion and anger...but that's ok...as long as i don't become an exhausted and angry mom sprinkled with a little bit of humility and thankfulness...

environmental toxins are real...they are scary...and this book has the most amazing chapter about canaries in the mines...they used to use canaries to fly around the mines as theses are so sensitive to dangerous gases...if they died...the coal miners wouldn't go down...if they lived...they knew it was safe. mccarthy illustrates our sensitive spectrum kiddos to these canaries...she believes that they are warning us...trying to show us how to have cleaner lives...i'm listening to my canaries...and thank You God that You have consistently pointed me in the right direction...moms...dads...always follow your instincts...they are the warning flags from Heaven.

smiling eyes

your eyes have always been so intense

so dark...like coal...

they rarely convey your emotion

just a dark serious stare

always so difficult to define

my dark volitile beauty

there's a fire in there

i can see the sparks

just waiting to be fanned

you've been screaming all these years for help

i have only been hearing the noise

i am listening now

i hear you begging for help-pleading

mommy...mommy...mommy

soon, baby...soon

your eyes will be smiling...

oh, how i long to see that day...

when those dark eyes are free to burn with happiness...

intense happiness...

serious joy...

a bright beauty who will change the world!

day 2...day 3...my motley crew

ok...i'm trying to remember yesterday...OH, yes...Mermaid's teacher reported that she sat in the middle of group and told a story...to everyone...and laughed...!!!!!!?????

what's the big deal? don't all almost-four-year-olds do that? NO!! they don't! especially my overly intense shy little beauty. it's observably difficult for her to bring herself to speak to some...many...let alone let loose and tell a story and include laughter...laughter from the merminator is a special gift in and of itself!!

it's not all perfect...she had some hidden dairy yesterday in some rice chips...READ ALL LABELS!! and we had a one hour bootie-itching episode which included lots of screaming and crying...but we worked through it...she slept well from 11pm til 6am...which is a five hour reprieve for me...so...she's making strides!

best part is that my dear granola sister started this diet for herself, and three of her kiddos...one of which happens to be j-bob's best friend and most likely somewhere on the spectrum...

this morning O-livy (j's name for her) and the E-meister were dropped off at my house at 6:15am...all i can say is that before i knew it...my two gamers (the boys) were at the table doing a freaking ART PROJECT!!?? and the beauties (aka future PETA presidents ) were beside them...all sittng together doing a self-motivated art project...sharing...problem solving (you know bc four children and one box of markers is just evil!)...not only did this transpire...but to be included was: JOY!

real joy was being shared by these kiddos...it was amazing. E-meister even proceeded to jump up from the table squeal and yell: i'm screaming like a girl...hahahaha! he told a joke!! (anyone familiar with the literalness of our ASD kiddos knows...jokes are great!)

i'm amazed...simply amazed. amazed by God's goodness...amazed by the simplicity of changing our diets...amazed that so many people don't know or won't try...the excuses are plentiful...i myself have been using them for over a year...

and moms...as we swallow our pills...eat our junk...don't take care of ourselves...sacrifice everything we have...you know...for the sake of our families...THAT'S not what our families need. i will go to hell and back for my children...but if i fall apart on that journey...what good have i done? it is ESSENTIAL that we start nurturing our own health...as modeling good behavior is far more effective...it is also essential that we remember as our children recover...they are truly experiencing life for the first time...with joy...don't be a joy-robber...cherish their (and your) hard work...don't just check off the latest accomplishment and start worrying about the next...slow down...slow down...slow down. hold hands, go for a walk, play a board game on the floor, read a story, act out a Bible story...get real...be thankful...enJOY the journey that our children...spectrum or not...take us on. Oh, and those still married...don't forget your husband needs a bit of attention sometimes, too.

(note...that whole lecture was for me...! as i am reading Mother Warriors...instead of studying...oops! i am realizing that i have become comfortable...yet wrapped up in life...not experiencing life...i also realized that i am still pissed about autism...in general...mostly bc i believe it could be prevented...and at the very least treated...but so many MDs are not willing...anyhow...i have also realized...i am scared to hope for full recovery...just saying that takes my breath...but as i read this book...and watch my children...i am reminded that if this is as good as it ever gets...it's DAMN GOOD...and i need to always thank God for how far He's brought my family...)