Separation

I used to imagine every single awful thing I have ever done being mulled over by Jesus while he was being whipped and mocked.  I used to think that as He hung on the cross lists of sins would just ripple across his broken and bruised body.

I don't see that this year. 

This year I have, for the first time in my life, really slowed myself down to realize what was going on a few thousand years ago during these last several days.  I have tried to imagine being with him in the garden where he was so consumed with sorrow that he sweat drops of blood.  It's always been explained that those drops were because of my sin.  And I get that...but I think it was so much more.  He was about to be separated for the first time...from His Father.

Sin is separation from our Holy God.  Sin isn't "sin" because it's a list of bad things---a hierarchy of who is the holiest.  It is absence of Him.  And He is Love.  I am just now understanding a tiny fragment of this.  How much more did Jesus understand it all. 

He wasn't hanging there being shocked by all of humanity's specific sins over and over and over.  He was hanging there broken for us...and because of us...he was separated from Him.  Have you ever lost someone you love?  Death, divorce, abandonment?  It hurts.  It breaks.  Tears cried in those dark hours are so thick, so bitter that they cry out for themselves.

As I have begun to understand that all sin is merely (because we so often try to over-complicate this) yet profoundly (focusing on the lists and hierarchy causes us to keep our eyes on US as opposed to HIM) separation from our Holy Father, I understand even more what happened on that cross.  I cannot imagine being separated from my children.  For my precious son who truly knows very little of his own wrong to be ripped away and suffer because of other people's sin (our CONSTANT turning away from Him and to ourselves...chosen separation).  For him to think for one moment that I had abandoned him.  For him to call out my name and feel as if I had forsaken him.  I have no words fit for such sacrifice.

I only have a life, a life lived very imperfectly but made perfect by His blood.  I don't want to be separated, not even for a second, from our Lord and Savior.  May my life become a constant out-pouring of Him...more of Him...less of me.

Defender of the defenseless

My daughter is missing her top two front teeth.  Every parent out there can most likely relate to the absolute heart-stopping-adorableness this adds to one's child---every child.  She also has the kind of wavy bobbed hair that causes strangers to stop and tell her how cute it is.  She's intensely shy, so she never quite handles herself the same way with each compliment (I admire her humility).  She'd rather eat a worm than have people stop and stare at her.  The problem is that she possesses the kind of beauty that makes you pause-breathe it in.  There's something about her.  I have always struggled to define her...even she often cannot figure out what she wants or what she likes...much like her Mama...indecision...because every single angle has to be considered, mulled, weighed.  No choice is just a "simple choice".  It drives her Daddy insane.  He knows exactly what he wants at all times.  He never seems to question himself and is gifted with this remarkable ability to see all, do all, and decide all...AT ONE TIME.  It's truly an amazing thing to behold.

There's a steep looking rock wall of sorts by our house.  We pass it every time we go onto the interstate.  It snuggles up to this incredible hill that my old car struggles to chug up.  One day Mermaid said:  Someday, I am going to climb that hill.  It's probably gonna be hard, but I won't stop till I reach the top.

A smile rushed across my face.  I have the exact same feelings about the hill it befriends and my running.  And it was hard.  It was then that I realized that Mermaid's "word" per se is "DETERMINED".  A determined infant, and a determined toddler, and a determined preschooler are VERY difficult to raise.  A determined 7 year old?  Oh my.  It's heart-stopping.  Much like her toothless grin, adorable hair, breathless beauty.  She is also determined to rid the world of all social and moral injustice.  Today I told her that I was going to change her name to Merci, the defender of the defenseless.  Oh how fitting it would be. 

It terrifies me a little...her intensity-beauty-determination-protectiveness...all wrapped up in a giggling little girl with two top missing teeth.  Her Mama's indecisiveness and her Daddy's focused ability to get what he sets out to accomplish.  I marvel at the way God uses her already.  I celebrate the life He has blessed me with in my youngest...desperate to no longer be the youngest...and somehow managing by His Grace to pull that one off.

I am blessed to be the apple of her eye.  I pray that I never lose my status in her heart.  I ask God to defy all stereotypes of Mothers and Daughters.  In my life, I have never met one as unique as she.  She is, by far, one of my Hero and I's best accomplishments thus far...not to exclude her brother...whom I will save for tomorrow's post...and I am a better person because of them.

Wow and a rather long announcement

I have really been trying to figure out how to "announce" this.  It's so personal and yet so vital that others are apart of this journey as it's really a commandment for all of us in one way or another.  What on EARTH am I blathering on about now?  Dairy?  Red 40?  Autism?  Marriage?  The kids?

Well, yes.

And, no.

And everything in between.

The "wow" from my title comes from my re-reading an entry that I had written in June of 2009:  Foster parenting.  There are just so many reasons to "wow" the re-reading of my own prayers from the past.  It's been nearly THREE years since I posted that.  I attended the class.  I received tons of information in the mail--- many of which had pictures of adorable third-world country babies posted all over it to which my adorable kiddos would beg of me to please bring home.  It would nearly rip my heart into pieces.  I finally just stopped asking.  I even stopped praying for it (well...mostly), resolving myself to the fact that it was not my husband's desire. He is usually always right when it comes to big life decisions. 

Periodically he would come home and bring up having my tubal reversed so that we could try to have more children.  Something inside him was stirring.  I love how subtle God can be.

Fast forward to a few months ago.  I posted the post:  Ummm...wow...it's already been a YEAR?

Apparently, my Hero read my post.  Apparently, he started to really pray and ask God what His will was for our family.  Apparently, he started talking about it and asking questions at work.  Apparently, his heart was slowly changing.  Apparently, he called his parents to let them know we were considering and would be taking first steps...which was when I realized:  this is really happening.

I immediately removed any and all distractions from my life and began to pour myself into God's word and several recommended books.  I can't really explain the eerie transformation that has occurred within my family in this very short time (or shall I say over the last three years).  There's a newness...or rather...an old familiarity to God being the very center of our lives and it is an amazing place to be.

I still say bad words, I still have bad thoughts, I still cling to every single drop of precious blood that He shed for my daily sins...but...I also savor the redemption and restoration He promises and offers.

By no means do we think that our future will be easy.  Actually, we are quite aware of just how close to hell parenting can bring us.  My only explanation lies in one afternoon's and one evening's events and a heart desperate for wanting to do His will.  I was watching my Hero build a huge stick fort in our backyard with the kiddos. I couldn't shake the gnawing realization that what we have should be shared with those who have not (kind of freaked me out reading nearly the same thoughts penned 3 years ago); and in the wee hours of a few evenings later, my Hero echoed those exact sentiments (I had not shared those thoughts with him).  We realized that God had written the same thing across each of our hearts.  So whether we are crazy, or sane, or terrified, or ecstatic or all of them in one, we are taking the plunge into the world of foster-adoption.

"If God has been generous with you, he will expect you to serve him well.  But if he has been more than generous, he will expect you to serve him even better."   Luke 12:48 CEV

"If you try to save your life, you will lose it.  But if you give it up for me, you will surely find it."  Matthew 10:39 CEV