i must first say that we just had a remarkable 10 day family "staycation". it was sheer bliss.
that is probably why today is feeling so IMPOSSIBLE.
i used to love the holidays. i still love the idea of them...but with a special needs child...especially one whom you often forget has special needs...holidays have begun to sting a little.
they are a time when the whole world gets together and eats delicious junk while my kiddos watch...and i am constantly having to justify the fact that...yes...just one bite does make a difference...so go eat your crap...gain your 10 pounds and LEAVE US ALONE!!
they are a time when families get together and then begins the small slaps in the face as you watch the other children in the family slowly surpass your child's maturity...(which only infuriates you that you notice...and further frustrates you that you give a damn...)just yesterday you were marveling at the "gift of autism" in that almost no other child has the impeccable manners of your son...just yesterday tears were spilling over your eyes because God has given you such an incredible blessing...to include autism...because your child has a real and living relationship with the King of the Universe...just yesterday...everything was perfect.
it's the sudden snap...that one startling meltdown...just one missing piece of the puzzle that can send a day, a week, or a month into a tail spin.
it's as simple as eating marshmellows (food dye) on vacation, daddy going back to work, the "flexing" of the schedule...and then there's the get-togethers...the extra play dates...
and in between being a good daughter, grand daughter, sister, wife, and friend...somewhere sandwiched in the midst of all of that...being the mom of a special needs child gets lost...lost to those who don't see behind the scenes...
so for this very moment...i am wallowing in a bit of self pity...please just indulge me by looking the other way...saying a prayer...giving me a hug...not saying a word.
in a few minutes i will be composed...we will leave our house...greet the world with our smiles and laughter...and continue letting almost all who know us believe that living with autism is actually easy.
for the other families with life-out-side-the-box...i am praying for you...as holidays can be so incredibly difficult for our little and not so little ones. and together i raise my voice with yours in a good-old-fashioned-holiday-scream!!
My Quivers
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
pregnancy test
so i bought a pregnancy test last night.
"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.
"they are," i reply.
but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.
and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.
i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.
well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.
and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.
he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.
i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).
sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.
i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.
so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?
just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.
i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.
"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.
"they are," i reply.
but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.
and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.
i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.
well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.
and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.
he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.
i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).
sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.
i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.
so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?
just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.
i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
bug man
why did i not discover sewing sooner? it seems my most favorite things i have found in my 30's: running, knitting, sewing, and gardening.
my hopes are that in ten years (or less) we will be able to homestead. even OA has agreed. i can just see our family happily pedaling for electricity and living off of the fat of the land...gfcfsf land...that is!
today j-bob finished reading his first Bible. we began reading it daily when school started. i am so incredibly blessed...as is mermaid...as she and i were the recipients of his reading!
i find myself questioning if i am doing enough, as more and more i realize i am very laid back in so many areas.
the other day the bug man showed up for a yearly inspection. he just rang the doorbell and asked if it was a good time...good time as any...i was reading a chapter book to the kiddos on the couch...it only dawned on me several minutes into my chapter...HE IS LOOKING EVERYWHERE! they look in closets, behind doors, inside cabinets...when's the last time i swept behind the door of my bathroom?? and didn't i let the kiddos fold AND put the towels away??
aye aye aye
well...what do i care? my momentary freak out session only lasted about a page...it was such a good book, he refused to interrupt us until after the chapter was finished. i realized he thought more of our family time than he did of our lack of perfection. it was nice...the inspection.
moral of the story: be kind to your bug man...he sees it ALL! oh, and don't refold or reorganize the closet after your kiddos fold and put away the towels...every time you open the door and one fall right into your arms...you'll just have to smile!
my hopes are that in ten years (or less) we will be able to homestead. even OA has agreed. i can just see our family happily pedaling for electricity and living off of the fat of the land...gfcfsf land...that is!
today j-bob finished reading his first Bible. we began reading it daily when school started. i am so incredibly blessed...as is mermaid...as she and i were the recipients of his reading!
i find myself questioning if i am doing enough, as more and more i realize i am very laid back in so many areas.
the other day the bug man showed up for a yearly inspection. he just rang the doorbell and asked if it was a good time...good time as any...i was reading a chapter book to the kiddos on the couch...it only dawned on me several minutes into my chapter...HE IS LOOKING EVERYWHERE! they look in closets, behind doors, inside cabinets...when's the last time i swept behind the door of my bathroom?? and didn't i let the kiddos fold AND put the towels away??
aye aye aye
well...what do i care? my momentary freak out session only lasted about a page...it was such a good book, he refused to interrupt us until after the chapter was finished. i realized he thought more of our family time than he did of our lack of perfection. it was nice...the inspection.
moral of the story: be kind to your bug man...he sees it ALL! oh, and don't refold or reorganize the closet after your kiddos fold and put away the towels...every time you open the door and one fall right into your arms...you'll just have to smile!
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