red 40 aka the devil

i just deleted the longest rant against chemical food dyes...i am too passionate about this to just rant...so i am going to do more hard nosed research in hopes that my extra efforts will convince several if not all of my faithful blog readers...all five of you...lol...to jump on my "down with red 40 and BHT" bandwagon...

i pick on those two the most (red40 and BHT) because they seem to be in dadgum near everything we government-has-our-best-interests-at-heart americans feed our children...

may it be noted that BHT is a derivative of petroleum oil...maybe we could get gas prices down if we weren't serving it in all our non-organic boxed cereal (thank you stcroixdayz for that comment)...

may it further be noted that i am not anti-government...i have simply come to the realization that it's my responsibility to educate myself not the governments...my public school education...well...sigh...let's just save that for another blog...

may it further be further noted i am not all together against public schools...just against the government creating a mandatory day care that requires a five year old to submit to a full-time job's schedule...

wow...i sound exceptionally cynical tonight...i think it's the red40 from my tribute last bowl of ice cream...

ok...so this turned into another rant...considerably less informative than the previous...but i am too tired to start again...dadgum red40...

memorial day

i was thinking about how today was supposed to be a holiday and like every think else...i included...many many amercicans have forgotten why it is a holiday...not every holiday should be about beer, cookouts, and time off...

i googled memorial day...i wish wish wish i had done this before today...as the OA, kiddos, and i would be visiting a local memorial grave site instead of playing candy land and sprinklers (nothing wrong with either...i simply want my kids to appreciate the reason we are allowed the freedom to have such an amazing family life)...

the site i chose to read about validated my feelings today...i signed the petition...if you feel the same...please take a moment to sign it, too!

restore the traditional day of observance for memorial day

i also want to take a moment to thank solar...for dedicating this part of her journey to helping our veterans...and for opening my eyes to their joys and pains of life...may they not be in vain!

feeding therapy take two

ok...it's time for me to get serious...we had a "feeding therapy" appointment with a new professional phd yesterday...i don't get my hopes up anymore as far as professionals are concerned and quite frankly...i believe that i can do most of it better...even my dear husband has made comments believing that i am the best therapist jay-bob could ever hope for...BUT...yesterday...we had a marvelous experience...not only did the therapist obviously love children...she affirmed my choice of montessori education...the gfcf diet...and possibly...drum roll please...homeschooling...WOW...i mean really that almost never happens...

back to the subject...she got me back on track...from this day forward ALL meals (within reason) must be at the table...to include me...not me doing the dishes or continuing to cook...or blogging...but me...the mother...modeling appropriate behavior for my son...

we were supposed to be desensitizing him visually to new foods by adding one new food to his plate per meal...we started with frozen blueberries...he didn't have to eat them...just allow them on his plate..."what's the big deal?"...well...it's a very very big deal for him to have ANYTHING new on his plate...just his body language speaks volumes...he can barely keep his body facing the plate with a new food...anyhow...we had gotten through this important step...and then everyone got sick a few months back...and guess what?? we stopped it all together....

so, now as we are supposed to be starting the next step: plate to face...we are actually re-starting step one...sigh...today it was a TOTAL melt-down over me putting a cherry on his plate (subdivided plate...i must add)...so we prepped (verbal warning ahead of time...best thing ever for ALL children...umm...and me, too!) him for lunch and allowed him to choose what "new" food he wanted...he chose an apple...kind of cheating b/c he has actually been licking and taking very small bites of apple...BUT...beggars can't be choosers...

the therapist modeled sticking out her tongue and allowing the food to sit on her tongue for 3-5 seconds...that's it...that's all he has to do...umm...laughish sigh...THAT'S IT?? really?? well...it didn't go so good at first...but i believe that after one week of being consistent...we'll be cruising right along...

so, now i am being held accountable for not only sitting at the table for every meal and snack...but for also cooking every meal and snack...and not just cooking them all...but making sure they are all gfcfsf...egg free...nut free...for the whole family...b/c why model eating something he can't eat?...and beyond this i need to include...variety...i mean...doesn't this feeding therapist understand...this is america...and really...unless it's processed...fast...and convenient...it's foreign...

so, i am back to pouring over hypo-allergenic recipes...then tweaking them...as it stands jay-bob now eats:
pancakes/waffles
vegan cheese dip
ruffles aka stripey chips
sweet potato french fries
regular french fries
darifree chocolate milk (new)
fruit-a-bu (new)
pizza
home-made darifree ice cream (new)

he would love to eat pretzels, poptarts, and goldfish crackers...but i have yet to find any that he doesn't react to...for the record...we did a "challenge" to the diet a month or so ago...that evening we did the time-out hold twice...he tried to bite me...we both sat on the floor sobbing as the OA stared at us in dis-belief...OA and i wondered how we ever did life like that in the past...AND...thought it was normal??? so...as far as the gfcfsf diet goes...we are true believers...

tomorrow i will post why red 40 is the devil...which it is a chemical...and it's a chemical that's in dang near everything on the wal-mart shelf...and it's a chemical that is not beneficial to anyone...so STOP GIVING IT TO OUR CHILDREN (fda...come on...this is 2008)!!

honestly, too many vaccines, too much processed foods, too much tv, and too much convenience...we are setting our future generation up for disaster...it's terrifying to me...and it's all out of ignorance...i am thankful my son is on the autistic spectrum...it's slowly bringing our whole family out of the ignorant brain fog we've been forcing ourselves into...mainly...due to lack of self-discipline...

it stops today!

ps dr phil can still kiss my arse...sorry...old bitterness issues coming back to haunt...sigh...well...i never said i was perfect...!

age of autism

recently a kind blog reader mentioned the site: age of autism

it is very informative...sometimes it's hard to know which autism site to read...anything that TACA (talk about curing autism) or generation rescue is affiliated with...i have positive feelings towards...anyhow...i am very glad i spent time on this site...

the following essay is one of the most powerful and touching things i have ever read...there are many reasons it speaks to me so loudly...it's worth the few minutes to read...even if your child is no where on the spectrum...i salute this father...and tomorrow...i will be putting my running shoes back on...i, too, want to run for all those incredible reasons..."all progress matters"...

www.ageofautism.com/2008/05/taking-it-to-th.html

check it out...but make sure you have a tissue handy...thank you dean fulton...well said...i raise my glass to yours!

cheers!!

purple sunglasses

i am so tired...but will not sleep until i have posted my mermaid story...it all has to be equal, right? b/c when they are 22 and reading this...you know there will be tally marks by who i wrote about more often...therefore...my guilt ridden brain will not allow sweet slumber to incur until i have rectified my injustice...

the mermaid has been in full force lately...despite the recent heat wave...she insists on wearing long "soft" pants with everything...usually one of her two polka dotted dresses or some mis-matched t-shirt that is most likely the home of many stains...to top this off...she insists on having her "glasses" like her brother...only...her glasses are extremely large purple sunglasses with silver butterflies painted on them...

do to my ridiculous notion that i could re-create an adorable hair-cut (as i cut her first adorable cut)...my mom had to take her to the local wal-mart beauty shop to fix what my mom describes to the beautician as: ummm...i don't know...i thing she let the dogs chew it off...

well...this incident led to a shocking discovery...mermaid is beautiful no matter what length her hair is...BIG SHOCKER...

shhh...don't tell anyone...i miss her beautiful little girl-girlish long tendrils...then i remember that her fear of brushes made the tendrils more a rat's nest...and i love LOVE love how easy her short bob that even jenny mccarthy would envy is...

did i mention that she's utterly obsessed with her brother? just yesterday, she noticed the jay-man was shirtless...so guess what...she looks at me...takes off her shirt: i jus wanna be naked wike ja-din mommy...

wish everyone knew phonetics so i could further detail her incredible southern draw...ummm...really it's way more like...country gal...i mean really country...sometimes we call her a country girl...she throws her head up and says: i not crunchy...i a guwl... (girl)

our relationship is getting much more full filling...i have been paying closer attention to what her behavior is telling me...usually it's some weird sensory thing...or some weird sleep/food issue...or some weird female attempt to gain attention...sigh...she just wants all of my attention...ALL of it...God love her very soul...

she's a little jon...i prayed for a little jon...should have remembered the severe disdain my dear loving husband has for most authority...he likes to be right...and usually is...he wears the pants...well....now he and merci wear them together...sigh...it's so funny listening to him "handle" her...neither are ever willing to back down...it usually ends in some compromise that makes both of them walk away feeling triumphant...sigh-chuckle-laughrealhard-sigh...gasp...dear God...i am in big trouble...i have failed to mention...she's only THREE!!!!

pictures

so...i dream of sending birthday cards, calling family and friends, letting the kiddos chat with their very loved cousins weekly...but i don't...

honestly, i rarely know what day of the week it is lately...i am missing appointments...rescheduling therapies...praying that i can at least remember when it's Wednesday...as i teach the preschool class...

so...here is my attempt at saving face...some catching up if you will...i am in the process of importing 240 pictures...no that wasn't a typo...my dear son...almost five years old...sigh...for real...i really just sighed out loud...the-mom-in-denial-that-kids-grow-up-sigh...oh...i just did it again...really...i may have to start medicating myself...i am really not ready for my babies to not be babies...OH...and they already aren't babies...how thankful i am that my husband came home at two am in the morning while i was still pregnant with jaybob and woke me up to tell me that he felt like God was letting him know that he would do whatever it took for me to not have to send my bundle of joy to daycare (no judgement here on daycares...simply...i have dreamed of being a mom my whole life). i love my husband...because he truly has stood by that...and he works so hard...and he is such an amazing father...deeper sigh...i am so blessed!

ok ok...back to the subject...my dear son...has a real gift for photography...we've tried buying him the kid cameras, but they simply aren't good enough for him...he always ends up using mine anyway...so i just taught him to be careful...and hand over my camera at request...well...look what he took:

i am not kidding...he took this...his eye is amazing...don't get me wrong...there are plenty of fuzzy pictures...and most of his pictures consist of pokemon figurines and various other interests...brown blankie for one...but this one...it's amazing...

now...i will begin immediately hydrating myself as my skin is clearly in need...not to mention maybe this year i will stick with my new year's resolution of at least every other night washing my face before bed...sorry solar...i know you are cringing right now...you did in fact teach me better than that...i just have to go with the old stand by that's saved me a lot lately...i am hippie...what can i say...i don't have a high priority on hygiene...

anyhow...at least my husband is gorgeous...keeps the eyes off me...but my son...i feel his love in this picture...his appreciation...his devotion to his daddy and mommy...he does love us so much...and it's so pure...so innocent:

i sorry mommy...i will not bweak your heawrt anymore...i not be angwy anymore...

mommy...i wuv you...daddy...i wuv you...

at least 50 times a day...you always know when he is having fun...you get serenaded with this admission of love over and over...

so...lately i have been drinking in alot of what i do have...celebrating the little joys of life...i don't care what day of the week it is...i love my family...mermaid's story will be told tomorrow...she is as intensely amazing as ever...purple sunglasses...brother loving little girl...sighsighsighsigh...

did i mention...

i did in fact knit both blankets the kiddos are laying on in their picture to the right!!

sad part is...i haven't knitted much of anything lately...

i am now thinking i am 99.9 % sure i am going to home school...the pioneer woman has given me much hope...it's one of those things...since my first child's birth i have been wrestling with the idea...back and forth...back and forth...i see positives in many different avenues of education...i see negatives in them all too...but i strongly believe God sent me a caution light with Jaybob and his vaccinations...and i didn't trust my listening ear at the time...it's the same with homeschooling...many many caution lights...i don't want to ignore Him this time...i want to finally learn a lesson the first time...

note: i do not believe all vaccinations are the devil...i DO believe that we are giving too many too soon...and the whole world thinks it's cool to be green...why don't they jump on the green our vaccines bandwagon, too.

if you have a baby...please PLEASE...visit www.generationrescue.org and read about a safer vaccination schedule for your child...i know in my heart that jaybob's immune system simply wasn't able to handle the vaccines i held him down to receive...sigh...

so, the knitting needles may grow dustier and dustier...though...i will still long for them...and don't think you can escape the gift of: the scarf!! i believe i owe my good friend solar one in gold and rhinestone!!

my goodness...is that snakeskin around the edges????

i doth tease...i love my wallet...and i think of my good friend every time i open it...though...it does make me long for a bedazzler!

ummmm...has jon seen this yet??

so, i have a little problem...as a kid i moved frequently...i blame that for my manic need to rearrange my house every six months...problem is...i am OCD...so it takes many-a-many-a-many-a trial runs to finally set on the "just right" feel...my husband has taken to "grounding" me from moving furniture to different places...

WELL...it's been a while...it must be noted that i have...in all good efforts...been too busy...side tracked...overwhelmed with life...what have you...to notice...that i have in fact not changed my house around in at least...4-6 months...!!??

SO, as soon as OA walked out the door to go to work...the kiddos and i get busy on this:

oops...well...ummm...oh, crap...he's gonna kill me...

i had to laugh...i managed to get my love seat through the side room...past the kitchen...hoisted up above my head...and well...dad gummit...STUCK IN THE GARAGE DOORWAY...

i can hear OA now: only you, honey, only you...you just couldn't wait til i got home could you...

NO, i couldn't because in my need for immediate change my mind has been formulating all kinds of new plans for our living room...today...this moment...i want SIMPLICITY...i want it out...gone...done away with...if the OA didn't object so strongly...we would have no couches at all...rather throw pillows to lounge on the floors together as a family...and the poor kids...i am tired of the hundreds of unplayed with toys collecting dust on the shelves...they are going to...we are going to stop being the american consumers and start harvesting our own food...riding bikes everywhere...pedaling for our own electricity...

Ok...sorry...back to reality...now you see why God had me marry a preppy jock...sigh...God love him...i guess i will settle for removing the love seat...and getting rid of several unplayed with toys...sighier sigh...i do want a garden, though...not giving up that hippie dream! (organic of course!!)

OH, so what happened to that pesky little problem i had...my friend st.croixdayz just so happened to text me and ask what i was doing...LOL...you'll never guess...i was right...he never guessed...he promptly came to my rescue (he's going into the marines..he's a rescuer by nature...just a scarier buffer type)...after politely not laughing in my face...

he quietly asked: has jon seen this???

to my surprise he had the love seat removed from my doorway in less than 10 minutes...i asked him what in the world did he do (it had been there for 4 hours)...

he quietly responded: just thought outside the box...so, heather...how did you get that in there anyway...?

well: i, too, thought outside the box...seems it works a little better for some than it does for others...

boogers

there are moments...sheer blissful moments...when one has the great opportunity to experience a "fit of laughter"...i just experienced such a moment while reading the much talked about Pioneer Woman's blog entry on boogers...

i needed that...

i want that mountain!

i will explain more of this later...when i have my Bible handy...but for now...i must simply say:

i want that mountain!!!!

sometimes in life we lose our dreams...
sometimes life gives them back...
sometimes...those very dreams...hurt...test...challenge...

i am a dreamer who stopped dreaming for a few years...as my dreams have returned...my heart aches...i want more for my children than words will ever express...

just becuase the waves are crashing, and i can feel the wind whipping my face...doesn't mean i cannot have peace through my Lord...peace is not the absence of trials...rather the realization that our God is bigger than any storm...(para phrases from my pastor paul)

i have come very close to breaking...but in Him...i am lifting my head up...and declaring...

I WANT THAT MOUNTAIN!!

weary soul

i am tired
beyond words
my soul is weary
yet i cannot cry
i am so tired of talking and reading and researching
i am tired of ignorance
does anyone think before they ask questions
do they realize this is my life, my child, my children?
awareness is so hard to advocate when you have no sleep
when it's your reality
your wound
two boys at church turn five this month
jaden turns five, too
five...expectations are inevitable at this age...

finally the tears...i haven't been able to really cry for weeks
i feel empty. numb.

we had to leave church on sunday because jaden wanted to play trains instead of listening to the lesson.
really, do i even have to educate a sunday school teacher on flexibility and creativity...??
instead we leave...the family ritual...always leaving for a melt down.

what does a mommy melt down look like??
tired eyes, weary soul, complete withdraw...
my brain is cluttered with diet interventions, supplement schedules, shot administrations, therapy appointments, school placement, work, kids, marriage...sigh...my poor marriage...i feel incapable of focusing on marital involvement...and i feel like i am drifting away...my incredible husband keeps swimming after me...pulling me out of the water i am drowning in...how long til he grows weary...weary of always having to pull me back????
it's overwhelming the things i still have to learn...the battles i still have to fight...the love i still have to give...sigh...
my soul is so weary,
i am crying out...LORD...please...still my heart...still my mind...give me peace...peace in my soul...
for once in my life...i am tired of talking...