the more i seek You
the more i find You...
the more i find You...
the more i love You...
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heart beat...
my pastor's wife sings this song...i don't know who wrote it...i only know...the words haunt me.
her voice is unbelievable...really...really...amazing...
i can close my eyes and hear her voice...the words vibrate in my soul...how i long to lay back against Him and breathe...feel His heartbeat...my life...my current spiritual growth...it's been stagnant for years now...since motherhood...why have i stopped growing? it's unacceptable. i don't give a flying flip about religion...i'm not good at religion...and God doesn't require me to be good at it...what i want to be good at is having a real...exisiting...living...breathing...growing...relationship with Him.
motherhood should be the birth of greater spiritual awakening...but the reality is that motherhood brings so many more demands than one can ever prepare themselves for...it's draining...and the focus easily becomes the child. yet, God is supposed to be first...
i confess...often...my children have been my number one priority...i selfishly cling to them...as if they were mine to keep...but the reality is...they are only on loan to me...from Him...and scary is the day i put them first...and keep them there...i've done that in the past...God knocks those idols down...dare i put this in print...but i feared...knew somehow as i nannied for my little special needs angel...that God was preparing me to have a special needs child. i cannot shake the thought...what if God is preparing me to bury my son? how terrible...how could i even write that? but it's the truth...many many reasons have caused that gnawing fear to creep up the back of my mind...and tomorrow...i will be attending the funeral of an eleven year old boy.
do i trust God? really really trust Him? do i really want a deeper relationship with Him? deeper relationships usually get tested harder...require more...am i willing?
Lord, God...i give my children to You...yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
God if there is such comfort...please comfort johnette as she mourns the loss of her son and is forced to bury him...her son...tomorrow...how...how...can she even face the sunshine when she wakes...what does a mother wear to her child's funeral? my God, how can she even breathe? how long does she keep his room? his clothes? where is the handbook for handling such loss?
may she drink from the cup of Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat...
may she also feel the freedom to scream and beat her hands against Your sovereign chest...as You know, too...how it feels to watch Your son suffer...also knowing...You had the power to stop it...but for our sakes...didn't.
the more i seek You,
the more i find You,
the more i find You,
the more i love You!
My Quivers
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
WOW
thank you Sarah...i was led to Holy Experience this evening...my heart heavy...i think this is one of the most amazing things i have ever read in regards to bad things happening: God's Grace
my tribute
heart whispers
i long to go home...my journey so long
my life has been blessed
though, i am tired
i have served, without ceasing
i feel You calling
i know Your voice
so familiar, so soft, so beautiful
i worship You-true life-long worship
i have done so much, in Your name
touched so many lives, in Your name
busied myself, exhausted myself
given myself, in Your name
i have never questioned,
always listened,
always obeyed,
but this one time...
as a mother...
may i have just one more moment
to hold them
to kiss them
to say goodbye?
do they have to have such pain
can heaven's Love keep my heart from breaking
as i watch them suffer without me?
did i have to be torn so soon from their lives?
My God
My Father
just one more moment.
may i whisper to their hearts
as i did so often while i watched them sleep peacefully
when i was all they knew of love...
just one more moment.
may i sing them to sleep
kissing their cheeks softly
reassuring them mommy's there...
just one more moment.
may i look into their eyes
wipe their tears
and say good-bye...
though i question Your timing,
i know You hold all things so dear
in the palm of Your hand...
of the things in my life i have accomplished so far
Your children-my treasures
(the stolen moments You gave to me)
i beg You to hold, squeeze tightly their pain
whisper Your strength
until i can hold them again...
Today my church family suffered an incredible loss...a friend, a leader, and a mother: Renee Pack...Renee was in a fatal car accident and will be mourned until we meet her again. The tragedy also claimed an amazing eleven year old boy, Bryan Green, whose bright eyes and wide smile will be so dearly missed. I remember him, distinctly, from my first day visiting...helping his mom in the nursery...faithfully every Sunday...he was so good at calming Mermaid down with his puppet show or sweet and thoughtful tenderness. I cannot even begin his tribute, as I struggle with anger over mother's burying their young children. My heart cries out for these families...may all who read this blog pray for strength, peace, and comfort for those left behind.
i long to go home...my journey so long
my life has been blessed
though, i am tired
i have served, without ceasing
i feel You calling
i know Your voice
so familiar, so soft, so beautiful
i worship You-true life-long worship
i have done so much, in Your name
touched so many lives, in Your name
busied myself, exhausted myself
given myself, in Your name
i have never questioned,
always listened,
always obeyed,
but this one time...
as a mother...
may i have just one more moment
to hold them
to kiss them
to say goodbye?
do they have to have such pain
can heaven's Love keep my heart from breaking
as i watch them suffer without me?
did i have to be torn so soon from their lives?
My God
My Father
just one more moment.
may i whisper to their hearts
as i did so often while i watched them sleep peacefully
when i was all they knew of love...
just one more moment.
may i sing them to sleep
kissing their cheeks softly
reassuring them mommy's there...
just one more moment.
may i look into their eyes
wipe their tears
and say good-bye...
though i question Your timing,
i know You hold all things so dear
in the palm of Your hand...
of the things in my life i have accomplished so far
Your children-my treasures
(the stolen moments You gave to me)
i beg You to hold, squeeze tightly their pain
whisper Your strength
until i can hold them again...
Today my church family suffered an incredible loss...a friend, a leader, and a mother: Renee Pack...Renee was in a fatal car accident and will be mourned until we meet her again. The tragedy also claimed an amazing eleven year old boy, Bryan Green, whose bright eyes and wide smile will be so dearly missed. I remember him, distinctly, from my first day visiting...helping his mom in the nursery...faithfully every Sunday...he was so good at calming Mermaid down with his puppet show or sweet and thoughtful tenderness. I cannot even begin his tribute, as I struggle with anger over mother's burying their young children. My heart cries out for these families...may all who read this blog pray for strength, peace, and comfort for those left behind.
Friday, July 25, 2008
let it rain
you know when you can feel yourself slowly unraveling? i've kept it all together much longer than usual...i think the glue has been extreme irritability...but not this morning. God woke me up early...i felt my heart soften a bit.
sigh
as the OA pulled out of the driveway on his way to the doctor with both kids sick and screaming for me...it finally happened...no anger, no exhaustion, no bitterness...just good old fashioned tears...the streaming kind...which led me directly to my couch...which led my face to my hands and my heart to my God...
Lord, i know You are in control. please give us our light at the end of the tunnel, soon. or maybe this is the light...me in complete surrender? it's easier to surrender myself...much more difficult for me to surrender my family...still amazes me Your willingness to surrender Your Son. i probably would have opted for that smite button i imagine is tucked under Your throne!!
let it rain.
sigh
as the OA pulled out of the driveway on his way to the doctor with both kids sick and screaming for me...it finally happened...no anger, no exhaustion, no bitterness...just good old fashioned tears...the streaming kind...which led me directly to my couch...which led my face to my hands and my heart to my God...
Lord, i know You are in control. please give us our light at the end of the tunnel, soon. or maybe this is the light...me in complete surrender? it's easier to surrender myself...much more difficult for me to surrender my family...still amazes me Your willingness to surrender Your Son. i probably would have opted for that smite button i imagine is tucked under Your throne!!
let it rain.
Monday, July 21, 2008
grumble, grumble, gulp
if the words PMS or hormones offend you...dear reader...you may opt out of reading this entry...if you can hang with me...i promise to attempt to present a nice and neat hormone-free "moral of the story"...but it just can't be delivered without reference to PMS...
now...to the part about the grumbling...hmmm...so i am guessing many of my readers are female...as we seem to be the ones most interested in reading about other's days, thoughts, feelings, what have you...well...dear females...only you can relate to that hormonal explosion that makes every bra feel too tight...or too loose...or certain that men are the ones who started the whole bra thing anyway because they can't control themselves not to look at a perky...or less than perky sets of...well...one gets the picture.
the last few days have been full of me having to take my bra off while driving home in the heat, because i just couldn't stand ONE MORE FREAKING MINUTE OF THAT FEELING...regaining-composurish-sigh...needless to say on top of this hormone havoc i have become sick...it gets better...now the jay-man is sick...scary trip to the immediate care because his temp hit 104.8 while i was at work and had to get "the phone call"...sick...the car i've been driving doesn't have AC so while melting, and pms-ing, and being sick, and now rushing to the side of my sick baby boy....i begin to start the pity party dance in my head. i'm sticky (from the heat), unfocused, and miserable.
grumble...the weeks leading up to this past week have included many meetings that i have to do by myself as the OA is either working or caring for the kiddos...ladies...not sure if you're with me on this but even though my heart knows my husband is totally amazing...my head is constantly whispering: doesn't he realize that even though i don't get paid for this &%*$ i am still working...i don't get time away from the kids...i'm exhausted...he better not even THINK about getting some (you know...back rubs...dirty minds!) tonight...etc...etc...etc...
i have come home to a clean house, finished laundry, grocery shopping (hmmm...we'll call man-shopping grocery shopping this once for sake of appreciation!), a mowed yard...my goodness...i think he's even watered my garden a few times...how on earth can i still grumble...when i read through the Bible one year...i was so amazed that the Israelites kept taking God's faithfulness for granted...what is my problem...?
my problem is expectations...for a week...OA has had expectations of how much i would appreciate his extra help...i have fought that appreciation...because in my mind i think: well...now you know how it feels to be a woman...pretty damn exhausting isn't it!!?? now add some research and meetings with professionals...and see how sexy you feel at the end of the night...and then there's my expectations...i have expected the OA to breathlessly await my phone call after every meeting...dying to know what every detail was discussed...and then...i have expected him to be able to tell me what's the best choice for our kiddo...sigh...
my dear husband deserves an award...as he walked out the door today he casually said...(after a fierce game of chutes and ladders...fierce b/c he politely asked me to "kill the negative energy for just one day"...please...what...the nerve...and then i kept LOSING...landing on all the freaking chutes...dear Lord...i can't even catch a break in a kid's game...again the negative self-talk)...oh...he casually said...you haven't read my blog in a few days...have you?
oh well in all my spare ti....GULP...yep...one more slap in the face from my dearest Father in Heaven. OA does get it...he does see all i do...he can articulate (without my feeding him information in the background) issues with our son...actually...the things he articulated...i have begun to take for granted as i have gotten so wrapped up in "making the right decision" and "researching biomedical treatments"...
marriage is hard...parenting is harder...keeping a good marriage while parenting is the hardest. as women, the bitterness bug bites alot harder...and praying is great, listening to worship songs is great, reading my Bible is great...applying all the things He teaches me...hmmm...a bit more difficult...i honestly wonder how much of life i have missed out on by losing myself to worry...and grumbling?
these last few months have been very tough financially...but God always gets us through...it's taken alot more sacrifice on OA and my part...today, i had to choose between jay-bob's ketchup or milk to make my lattes...sad part...i haven't gone to the store because i don't trust myself to make the right decision HA! but his shots are sitting nicely in their brown protective bag in the refrigerator...times are tough...but my God is tougher...biomedical treatments aren't cheap but every time we run out of something...we loose a piece of our progress with our son...therefore...we can't afford to stop.
my daughter was outside playing in the mud today...she played for an hour...dug her trenches...dogs digging with her...she scooped the water into her hard dug-bowl of dirt...stirred the mud and then just started plopping it everywhere...breathless...happy...content...
jay-bob loved watching her: teach me mewrci...teach me...
sigh...do they even care that we don't have a wii or a nintendo ds yet? do they really notice that we've been to the stores less on our days off, instead being forced to stay home and watch old movies and play board games together? my most favorite memories from childhood were when my mom would have us dig through the couch cushions for change...once we found 300 pennies...we, my brother, my mom and myself...would go to the $1 movie...i cherish those days...days of carrying tube socks full of coins...days of hearing my mom crying in her room...instinctively i knew it was about money...i would bring her my tube sock thinking somehow it would be enough to make it all ok...
sigh...one grateful post from my honest OA...all led to breathing again. if only other wives, especially the ones of special needs kiddos, could be so blessed. thank you, my homey! once again...you are the better half!
now...to the part about the grumbling...hmmm...so i am guessing many of my readers are female...as we seem to be the ones most interested in reading about other's days, thoughts, feelings, what have you...well...dear females...only you can relate to that hormonal explosion that makes every bra feel too tight...or too loose...or certain that men are the ones who started the whole bra thing anyway because they can't control themselves not to look at a perky...or less than perky sets of...well...one gets the picture.
the last few days have been full of me having to take my bra off while driving home in the heat, because i just couldn't stand ONE MORE FREAKING MINUTE OF THAT FEELING...regaining-composurish-sigh...needless to say on top of this hormone havoc i have become sick...it gets better...now the jay-man is sick...scary trip to the immediate care because his temp hit 104.8 while i was at work and had to get "the phone call"...sick...the car i've been driving doesn't have AC so while melting, and pms-ing, and being sick, and now rushing to the side of my sick baby boy....i begin to start the pity party dance in my head. i'm sticky (from the heat), unfocused, and miserable.
grumble...the weeks leading up to this past week have included many meetings that i have to do by myself as the OA is either working or caring for the kiddos...ladies...not sure if you're with me on this but even though my heart knows my husband is totally amazing...my head is constantly whispering: doesn't he realize that even though i don't get paid for this &%*$ i am still working...i don't get time away from the kids...i'm exhausted...he better not even THINK about getting some (you know...back rubs...dirty minds!) tonight...etc...etc...etc...
i have come home to a clean house, finished laundry, grocery shopping (hmmm...we'll call man-shopping grocery shopping this once for sake of appreciation!), a mowed yard...my goodness...i think he's even watered my garden a few times...how on earth can i still grumble...when i read through the Bible one year...i was so amazed that the Israelites kept taking God's faithfulness for granted...what is my problem...?
my problem is expectations...for a week...OA has had expectations of how much i would appreciate his extra help...i have fought that appreciation...because in my mind i think: well...now you know how it feels to be a woman...pretty damn exhausting isn't it!!?? now add some research and meetings with professionals...and see how sexy you feel at the end of the night...and then there's my expectations...i have expected the OA to breathlessly await my phone call after every meeting...dying to know what every detail was discussed...and then...i have expected him to be able to tell me what's the best choice for our kiddo...sigh...
my dear husband deserves an award...as he walked out the door today he casually said...(after a fierce game of chutes and ladders...fierce b/c he politely asked me to "kill the negative energy for just one day"...please...what...the nerve...and then i kept LOSING...landing on all the freaking chutes...dear Lord...i can't even catch a break in a kid's game...again the negative self-talk)...oh...he casually said...you haven't read my blog in a few days...have you?
oh well in all my spare ti....GULP...yep...one more slap in the face from my dearest Father in Heaven. OA does get it...he does see all i do...he can articulate (without my feeding him information in the background) issues with our son...actually...the things he articulated...i have begun to take for granted as i have gotten so wrapped up in "making the right decision" and "researching biomedical treatments"...
marriage is hard...parenting is harder...keeping a good marriage while parenting is the hardest. as women, the bitterness bug bites alot harder...and praying is great, listening to worship songs is great, reading my Bible is great...applying all the things He teaches me...hmmm...a bit more difficult...i honestly wonder how much of life i have missed out on by losing myself to worry...and grumbling?
these last few months have been very tough financially...but God always gets us through...it's taken alot more sacrifice on OA and my part...today, i had to choose between jay-bob's ketchup or milk to make my lattes...sad part...i haven't gone to the store because i don't trust myself to make the right decision HA! but his shots are sitting nicely in their brown protective bag in the refrigerator...times are tough...but my God is tougher...biomedical treatments aren't cheap but every time we run out of something...we loose a piece of our progress with our son...therefore...we can't afford to stop.
my daughter was outside playing in the mud today...she played for an hour...dug her trenches...dogs digging with her...she scooped the water into her hard dug-bowl of dirt...stirred the mud and then just started plopping it everywhere...breathless...happy...content...
jay-bob loved watching her: teach me mewrci...teach me...
sigh...do they even care that we don't have a wii or a nintendo ds yet? do they really notice that we've been to the stores less on our days off, instead being forced to stay home and watch old movies and play board games together? my most favorite memories from childhood were when my mom would have us dig through the couch cushions for change...once we found 300 pennies...we, my brother, my mom and myself...would go to the $1 movie...i cherish those days...days of carrying tube socks full of coins...days of hearing my mom crying in her room...instinctively i knew it was about money...i would bring her my tube sock thinking somehow it would be enough to make it all ok...
sigh...one grateful post from my honest OA...all led to breathing again. if only other wives, especially the ones of special needs kiddos, could be so blessed. thank you, my homey! once again...you are the better half!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
this is why i love generation rescue
i receive age of autism's newsletters...and today's was no disappointment...i have been sitting on the sidelines sort of playing referee in reference to vaccinations...
oh heaven's...here she goes again...
yep...here i go again.
but this time, thanks to amanda peet's recent comments about parent's opting out of vaccinations being parasites...i am now joining the battle...and i am coming out swinging...this parasitic mommy is ready to suck the self-righteous-pharma-sell-out's blood. i'm pissed...i am more pissed about her ridiculous attempt at "apologizing" (link below). that wasn't an apology...it was another ploy at making the people who are on the fence about vaccinating hear her out one more time...
my mind is racing for a cool parasite t-shirt that educates our cause...hmm...any ideas?
oh...so the whole reason for the post...besides to ease my frustrated mind...check out this response HERE from generation rescue's co-founder...thank you JB for articulating and informing...keep up the good work...no good deed goes unnoticed.
you know...those of us who are lucky enough to "recover" our children enough to the point that are kiddos are just quirky and ignorant to "social norms"...how much heart-ache would be spared if there were less judgemental-in-the-box-thinkers out there. i mean really...i love jay-bob's differences...i celebrate them...until i go out in freaking public, and he does something that gains him rude stares...snide remarks...and raised eye-brows...if only more of us were socially inept. as a parasite, it is my plan to suck the Mercy and Grace so freely given and spew it right back into my children's lives...i kind of like being a parasite...at least i am capable of thinking for myself...
oh heaven's...here she goes again...
yep...here i go again.
but this time, thanks to amanda peet's recent comments about parent's opting out of vaccinations being parasites...i am now joining the battle...and i am coming out swinging...this parasitic mommy is ready to suck the self-righteous-pharma-sell-out's blood. i'm pissed...i am more pissed about her ridiculous attempt at "apologizing" (link below). that wasn't an apology...it was another ploy at making the people who are on the fence about vaccinating hear her out one more time...
my mind is racing for a cool parasite t-shirt that educates our cause...hmm...any ideas?
oh...so the whole reason for the post...besides to ease my frustrated mind...check out this response HERE from generation rescue's co-founder...thank you JB for articulating and informing...keep up the good work...no good deed goes unnoticed.
you know...those of us who are lucky enough to "recover" our children enough to the point that are kiddos are just quirky and ignorant to "social norms"...how much heart-ache would be spared if there were less judgemental-in-the-box-thinkers out there. i mean really...i love jay-bob's differences...i celebrate them...until i go out in freaking public, and he does something that gains him rude stares...snide remarks...and raised eye-brows...if only more of us were socially inept. as a parasite, it is my plan to suck the Mercy and Grace so freely given and spew it right back into my children's lives...i kind of like being a parasite...at least i am capable of thinking for myself...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
randomness
so...for the chelators out there...i need some information. please keep it simple as my brain is on total overload...we've had meeting after meeting with babysitting after babysitting in between. that doesn't include teaching at church, attending church, and waiting tables.
busy summer. very very busy. i am very very ready for summer to be over. sorry summer lovers...have i ever loved summer? i think it's when my seasonal affective disorder occurs. i love the beginning of summer and the end of summer...but i don't like the in between. i am a cozy sweat shirt and jeans kind of girl.
i am sure solar is ready to reach through the pc screen to slap some summer-loving-since into me...but she's pretty amazing at accepting me for me...i think we balance each other...which leads me to a thought i had today...all this babysitting...it's not for just anyone...it's for a single mother who has quickly become a granola sister. her son is jay-bob's best friend. these two boys are incredible...their friendship is quirky and unconventional...but it works for them. and mermaid has absolutely fallen in love with her daughter...she' 6 and will most likely become the future PETA president. mermaid has blossomed since the adorable-0 has entered our lives...all this to bring my original thought home...quite possibly...these friendships could continue on for their entire lives...we take these "play-dates" for granted...but solar and i have been friends since first grade...it amazes me...and what a friend solar is...
oh, how i miss you...again...when it comes to warm-fuzzies i am no good with words...i can only muster this: pa-kin head...don't make me pee my pa-aans...party at parkers...hooo....hooo...i don't know no jon...i don't know no jon...gonzo grape bubblegum...ok...i will stop at that...except i must add...i am the one who told you no boy just goes running with a girl multiple times without being in love with her!!
now go soak up some rays for me...i am melting in this heat...and can barely wait to bust out my fall clothes...hmmm...i am thinking a good sexi-mexi-texi margarita paired with a relaxing pedicure would probably change my mind...sigh...soon...very soon...i shall be a visiting!
busy summer. very very busy. i am very very ready for summer to be over. sorry summer lovers...have i ever loved summer? i think it's when my seasonal affective disorder occurs. i love the beginning of summer and the end of summer...but i don't like the in between. i am a cozy sweat shirt and jeans kind of girl.
i am sure solar is ready to reach through the pc screen to slap some summer-loving-since into me...but she's pretty amazing at accepting me for me...i think we balance each other...which leads me to a thought i had today...all this babysitting...it's not for just anyone...it's for a single mother who has quickly become a granola sister. her son is jay-bob's best friend. these two boys are incredible...their friendship is quirky and unconventional...but it works for them. and mermaid has absolutely fallen in love with her daughter...she' 6 and will most likely become the future PETA president. mermaid has blossomed since the adorable-0 has entered our lives...all this to bring my original thought home...quite possibly...these friendships could continue on for their entire lives...we take these "play-dates" for granted...but solar and i have been friends since first grade...it amazes me...and what a friend solar is...
oh, how i miss you...again...when it comes to warm-fuzzies i am no good with words...i can only muster this: pa-kin head...don't make me pee my pa-aans...party at parkers...hooo....hooo...i don't know no jon...i don't know no jon...gonzo grape bubblegum...ok...i will stop at that...except i must add...i am the one who told you no boy just goes running with a girl multiple times without being in love with her!!
now go soak up some rays for me...i am melting in this heat...and can barely wait to bust out my fall clothes...hmmm...i am thinking a good sexi-mexi-texi margarita paired with a relaxing pedicure would probably change my mind...sigh...soon...very soon...i shall be a visiting!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
should be sleeping
i should be sleeping but isn't this time of night when all the good little biomedical mommies get their work done?
i am angry...extremely angry...
i went to a parent's workshop for how to deal with meltdowns for kiddos on the spectrum. i sat beside a fellow mother whom is becoming one of my most treasured friends...we listened to a very informative presentation...i learned much...will post about that later...
but what struck me was the bitterness in the room. so many of us are going at this whole "autism" life differently. i noticed that defenses are at an all time high all the time. there were so many questions. so many answers. so many stories. too many children stuck in their own worlds.
i cannot even give this topic just words. i am crying. i am angry. not for jaden..he will be ok...regardless of how far our "recovery" takes us...he's already changed my life and brought so many amazing families into my life...but for the parents who have no hope. for the parents who listen to the "experts". for the parents who sit around and bitterly shake their heads in defeat...
i am mostly angry that every day some innocent baby is held down by their trusting parent:
it'll be ok...just one more prick...i promise...mommy is here...everything will be ok...i would whisper into his ear as i choked back my own tears...
i still see jaden's eyes...he hated his shots...hated them...screamed so long i would have to stay and nurse him before we could even check out...why didn't i trust my instinct? why didn't i heed God's yellow flag????
and then the foods we give our children...and the medicine...we are breeding autism, asthma, allergies, and adhd...my God...what have we done in the name of science?
i am so angry. why won't new mommy's listen...think outside the freaking box...
SSSSSCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMM
wish i could say this post was cathartic...that i feel better now...but it wasn't, and i still feel angry.
i am a mother to a son on the autistic spectrum. comfort only comes from Him. as does retribution...i wonder how God feels about all this? i trust that He is righteously angry...sigh...that gives me comfort...for the moment.
i am angry...extremely angry...
i went to a parent's workshop for how to deal with meltdowns for kiddos on the spectrum. i sat beside a fellow mother whom is becoming one of my most treasured friends...we listened to a very informative presentation...i learned much...will post about that later...
but what struck me was the bitterness in the room. so many of us are going at this whole "autism" life differently. i noticed that defenses are at an all time high all the time. there were so many questions. so many answers. so many stories. too many children stuck in their own worlds.
i cannot even give this topic just words. i am crying. i am angry. not for jaden..he will be ok...regardless of how far our "recovery" takes us...he's already changed my life and brought so many amazing families into my life...but for the parents who have no hope. for the parents who listen to the "experts". for the parents who sit around and bitterly shake their heads in defeat...
i am mostly angry that every day some innocent baby is held down by their trusting parent:
it'll be ok...just one more prick...i promise...mommy is here...everything will be ok...i would whisper into his ear as i choked back my own tears...
i still see jaden's eyes...he hated his shots...hated them...screamed so long i would have to stay and nurse him before we could even check out...why didn't i trust my instinct? why didn't i heed God's yellow flag????
and then the foods we give our children...and the medicine...we are breeding autism, asthma, allergies, and adhd...my God...what have we done in the name of science?
i am so angry. why won't new mommy's listen...think outside the freaking box...
SSSSSCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMMM
wish i could say this post was cathartic...that i feel better now...but it wasn't, and i still feel angry.
i am a mother to a son on the autistic spectrum. comfort only comes from Him. as does retribution...i wonder how God feels about all this? i trust that He is righteously angry...sigh...that gives me comfort...for the moment.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Sharing the Love
Thank you Betsy for honoring me with an award...and i can't think of one that touches me more than sharing the love!?
my friend van clan five is in the process of adopting an orphan from ethiopia...i would like to pass this award onto her...please visit her blog and purchase the best-spent-coffee-money (talk about guiltless pleasure!) bag o' beans...or bags...in efforts to help raise funds for their bundle of joy that awaits them. i can't think of a better family to be adopted into.
i am inspired...OA...well...foster parenting and adoption...those words don't quite elicit warm fuzzies (yet...as homeschooling and refusal to put the kiddos in daycare were never at the top of his list of things he preferred!!)...but i bet he will gladly let me buy some coffee!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
asthma and drugs
i found this article to be very very interesting. funny part is as i was skimming it, it mentions for the english majors to skip down to paragraph three...i laughed out loud...as i am incapable of comprehending quantitative information.
more and more i am finding reason to either exempt vaccinations altogether or at a very minimum do the slower schedule!! i am praying that the safer vaccination schedule will become the new "green"...every body's doing it...come on...don't you want a healthy child!?
jay-bob has had all vaccines but his four year old booster...which we have exempted. mermaid only had the first two rounds and the first was right on time...and the next was delayed due to her breathing issues...hmmm...since then i started researching the pros and cons of vaccines...i am still too scared to do any of them...safer schedule or not...for a little bit longer or ever.
spare me all the hideously scary stories of my children contracting some crazy disease please...they're posted on the walls of the health department and several doctors have tried to spook me into injecting my children with what i consider to be poison. i want to put my own pictures up on the health dept walls...ones of children on breathing machines and other of children hitting themselves in the head...or let's be honest...SIDS...many cases are of brain swelling due to a babies tiny bodies inability to process these harmful medications...sigh...do the research...
so...now that i am officially on my soap box...please check out this article.
i know i know...several will opt out of looking into this because their children had shots with no bad reactions...well...what about eczema...chronic ear or sinus infections...allergies...etc...i don't think vaccines are the single cause of all these things...but i do whole heartedly believe we are putting our children at risk by compromising their immune systems at such an early age. and then we pump them full of dairy, gluten, preservatives, additives, etc...
scream...sigh...scream
more and more i am finding reason to either exempt vaccinations altogether or at a very minimum do the slower schedule!! i am praying that the safer vaccination schedule will become the new "green"...every body's doing it...come on...don't you want a healthy child!?
jay-bob has had all vaccines but his four year old booster...which we have exempted. mermaid only had the first two rounds and the first was right on time...and the next was delayed due to her breathing issues...hmmm...since then i started researching the pros and cons of vaccines...i am still too scared to do any of them...safer schedule or not...for a little bit longer or ever.
spare me all the hideously scary stories of my children contracting some crazy disease please...they're posted on the walls of the health department and several doctors have tried to spook me into injecting my children with what i consider to be poison. i want to put my own pictures up on the health dept walls...ones of children on breathing machines and other of children hitting themselves in the head...or let's be honest...SIDS...many cases are of brain swelling due to a babies tiny bodies inability to process these harmful medications...sigh...do the research...
so...now that i am officially on my soap box...please check out this article.
i know i know...several will opt out of looking into this because their children had shots with no bad reactions...well...what about eczema...chronic ear or sinus infections...allergies...etc...i don't think vaccines are the single cause of all these things...but i do whole heartedly believe we are putting our children at risk by compromising their immune systems at such an early age. and then we pump them full of dairy, gluten, preservatives, additives, etc...
scream...sigh...scream
Monday, July 7, 2008
wild eyes
he was crouched down at the door as mermaid came running out...immediately...my mama-bear instinct kicked in...this boy...the look in his eyes...he looked like a caged wild animal...i grabbed the drinks and told OA to get the lids and straws...
i am asking myself: what are you so afraid of? it's two boys at the burger king play area...what's the big deal...well...the big deal is that my kids have been bullied a few too many times in public play areas...and i have left more than once b/c of a parent's refusal to parent their child...my neurosis has been in high gear the last few weeks as i have been allowing my jay-bob the room to be a five year old boy...which to my dismay has meant more independence...
anyhow. this boy. well there were two boys...one whom...i immediately realized...was just an overgrown boy...still very young for his body...his mind not caught up with his age...i relaxed as i watched him invade jay-bob's space...listened to him speak childishly...immediately i liked him...but the other boy...he scared me...his eyes were so wild...he didn't speak...repeated a few words...his stare was so intense...truly...he seemed like a wild animal trapped in a cage...i was drawn to him...as a mom...all defenses were up...i worried about what he may do to mermaid or jay-bob...but as a woman...a compassionate soul...i wanted to know his story...why the far-away-look?
they left very soon...their mom made a comment about jay-bob's boots...laughed that he was very napoleon dynamite...i thought i was going to have to restrain OA...he took it as an insult...but i thought it was pretty funny...i mean come on...thomas the train winter boots in the heat of july...what do you expect...i love that my kiddos are very unfashion-worthy...i believe they will inadvertently set trends! anyhow.
i cried as those boys walked away...i am tired of a world where children are trapped...in their own minds...in unloving families...in abusive situations...in neglect...i have wanted to save the over-populated world of hurting children since i was a child...
the last few weeks i have been a bit angry...i vacillate between the different emotions...and the latest one is anger...for another blog entry...but my heart is heavy...and i pray that my anger will be righteous...a righteous anger that pushes me...drives me...to do more than simply cry for those i see trapped...
i am asking myself: what are you so afraid of? it's two boys at the burger king play area...what's the big deal...well...the big deal is that my kids have been bullied a few too many times in public play areas...and i have left more than once b/c of a parent's refusal to parent their child...my neurosis has been in high gear the last few weeks as i have been allowing my jay-bob the room to be a five year old boy...which to my dismay has meant more independence...
anyhow. this boy. well there were two boys...one whom...i immediately realized...was just an overgrown boy...still very young for his body...his mind not caught up with his age...i relaxed as i watched him invade jay-bob's space...listened to him speak childishly...immediately i liked him...but the other boy...he scared me...his eyes were so wild...he didn't speak...repeated a few words...his stare was so intense...truly...he seemed like a wild animal trapped in a cage...i was drawn to him...as a mom...all defenses were up...i worried about what he may do to mermaid or jay-bob...but as a woman...a compassionate soul...i wanted to know his story...why the far-away-look?
they left very soon...their mom made a comment about jay-bob's boots...laughed that he was very napoleon dynamite...i thought i was going to have to restrain OA...he took it as an insult...but i thought it was pretty funny...i mean come on...thomas the train winter boots in the heat of july...what do you expect...i love that my kiddos are very unfashion-worthy...i believe they will inadvertently set trends! anyhow.
i cried as those boys walked away...i am tired of a world where children are trapped...in their own minds...in unloving families...in abusive situations...in neglect...i have wanted to save the over-populated world of hurting children since i was a child...
the last few weeks i have been a bit angry...i vacillate between the different emotions...and the latest one is anger...for another blog entry...but my heart is heavy...and i pray that my anger will be righteous...a righteous anger that pushes me...drives me...to do more than simply cry for those i see trapped...
Thursday, July 3, 2008
cabot farmer's market take two
tonight i sat down to my pc...leisurely checked my email...it's been a long day with the kiddos, and they are finally in bed...hmmm...a comment from a name i don't recognize...
immediately my stomach dropped, and i wanted to vomit...i have truly offended someone...and not only a someone...but a sister in Christ...
i can only hope you will forgive me, as i do get carried away with words...and i can only imagine that the last line of my prior...now forever deleted blog entry...did not stand out...in which i was referencing (or at least pathetically attempting to reference) how my kiddos change my perspective on things and people, and i was actually commenting that the ladies were simply real...and to me that is a compliment...
i have a tendency to become overly emotional...overly judgemental...and overly expectant...i appreciate that God through my little ones...slaps me in the face to show me the true heart of those around me...that is what my entry was supposed to convey...
i am sorry...eternally sorry...that the entry seemed more of an overly judgemental run of the mouth and as if i were trying to exploit my undisciplined children...i would never...ever exploit my son's autism...ever...or my merminator's need for complete and total attention from her mother at all times...for that matter...
anyhow...i just wanted to truly apologize...i forget that there are those who don't know me who read my words...or more rightly...that i should stick to only writing about those i truly know...with their permission...unless it's my husband and i am angry...(another pathetic attempt...feeling the need for some comedic relief)...i honestly have prayed for God to use my words to bless...never to hurt...clearly i have alot of learning left to do...
sigh...also...illustrates my extreme thankfulness for His Grace...as i need it on a daily basis!
immediately my stomach dropped, and i wanted to vomit...i have truly offended someone...and not only a someone...but a sister in Christ...
i can only hope you will forgive me, as i do get carried away with words...and i can only imagine that the last line of my prior...now forever deleted blog entry...did not stand out...in which i was referencing (or at least pathetically attempting to reference) how my kiddos change my perspective on things and people, and i was actually commenting that the ladies were simply real...and to me that is a compliment...
i have a tendency to become overly emotional...overly judgemental...and overly expectant...i appreciate that God through my little ones...slaps me in the face to show me the true heart of those around me...that is what my entry was supposed to convey...
i am sorry...eternally sorry...that the entry seemed more of an overly judgemental run of the mouth and as if i were trying to exploit my undisciplined children...i would never...ever exploit my son's autism...ever...or my merminator's need for complete and total attention from her mother at all times...for that matter...
anyhow...i just wanted to truly apologize...i forget that there are those who don't know me who read my words...or more rightly...that i should stick to only writing about those i truly know...with their permission...unless it's my husband and i am angry...(another pathetic attempt...feeling the need for some comedic relief)...i honestly have prayed for God to use my words to bless...never to hurt...clearly i have alot of learning left to do...
sigh...also...illustrates my extreme thankfulness for His Grace...as i need it on a daily basis!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
my opportunity...
i have been in a constant state of...turmoil...well not turmoil...but deliberation...for the last...well...honestly...31 years...but to narrow it down...few weeks...specifically about what should i do with my children...private preschool, public school, home school, charter or magnet school, go back to school myself, etc...
after settling down to the home school decision...the question became what curriculum...my word...talk about overwhelming...i mean...there are thousands of options out there...and everyone you meet has their favorite...of course...three favorites never match...and no family is ever exactly alike...so...the thoughts continued to whirl...
i stumbled across this poem in a Bible Study curriculum a friend gave me...
after settling down to the home school decision...the question became what curriculum...my word...talk about overwhelming...i mean...there are thousands of options out there...and everyone you meet has their favorite...of course...three favorites never match...and no family is ever exactly alike...so...the thoughts continued to whirl...
i stumbled across this poem in a Bible Study curriculum a friend gave me...
My Opportunity
Dear Lord, I do not ask
That Thou shouldst give me some high work of Thine,
Some noble calling, or some wondrous task;
Give me a little hand to hold in mine;
Give me a little child to point the way
Over the strange, sweet path that leads to Thee;
Give me a little voice to teach to pray;
Give me two shining eyes Thy face to see.
The only crown I ask, dear Lord, to wear is this:
That I may lead a little child.
I do not ask that I may ever stand
Among the wise, the worthy or the great;
I only ask that softly, hand in hand,
A child and I may enter at the gate.
Author Unknown
how amazingly convicting is that?? for me at least...just last night i was asking the OA: what is my purpose in life...and then i followed it up with: why can't i be satisfied that my purpose is to be a mother?? he responded: exactly, just think of where jay-bob would be without you...
(he gives me too much credit, but i always appreciate his respect!)...
is it today's society that does it? it being...selling us on the idea that motherhood is no longer enough? and if it is society...why in the world am i listening?? i am the granola...the mom who doesn't care if you don't wash your hands more than twice a day...the mom who sleeps in her clothes...and then wears the same shirt again...(cuts down on the mountains of laundry!)...who truly doesn't care if my t-shirt doesn't match my skirt...just as long as i am comfortable...who would much rather be playing red-light-green-light with the kids than sitting and pretending interest in adult-politically-correct-conversation...sigh...since when did i start caring what society dictated????
this poem...that's all i want...i want my kiddos to know His Love, His Mercy, His Faithfulness...
the kiddos are talking about Jesus non-stop these days...not because i am the great spiritual mom who spends hours studying scripture and so forth...i believe that they talk about Him, because i am the mom who falls down...often...and explains that the only way i can get back up...often...is by His Mercy...we keep it simple...as i believe Jesus did...to get to hear my children talk about God...in the most amazing and unpredictable ways...it helps to understand why God wants us to come to Him as a child...it also explains why Jesus would spend time with the kids...leaving the adults to their theological debates...
so as i am cleaning the house...meditating on my real purpose...i catch myself...snapping at my three year old for whining for the 50th time in a row: JUST GIVE ME ONE MINUTE...GOSH...STOP WHINING...
wow...i think Jesus just slapped me in the face...b/c my heart stopped at my own impatience...i prayed...(finished sweeping...i still have alot to learn)...and scooped the mermaid up in my arms: mommy is so incredibly sorry...we don't yell...and i yelled...and i was very very wrong...will you please forgive me?
mermaid's whimpered reply: you did yell mommy...that huwrt my feewings...but i fowrgive you...
sigh...man...so this is how it feels to lead a child softly hand in hand...humbled...by Him...or rather my own inadequacies...maybe this is why i question my purpose...as this is much more difficult...but oh...how rewarding...how fulfilling to have your three year old truly give her hurt "feewings" over to a God she only knows through a child's faith and love...
sigh...
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
can i get a do over?
well...i survived my morning with no coffee...the afternoon was nearly impossible...i could feel the grumpy bug biting...then my phone rang...my beautiful non-blog reading friend was asking what kind of a coffee i wanted...she was on her way to my house...and at the coffee shop...
drum roll...my reply: double shot mocha...no make it a milky way...who's working...oh, tyler...tell him to surprise me!! just make it two shots...
ok...i caved...but i figure...i couldn't hurt my dear friend's feelings!! besides...i just kicked the ambien habit this week...let's tackle one chemical dependency one chemical at a time...hmmm...speaking of coffee...
drum roll...my reply: double shot mocha...no make it a milky way...who's working...oh, tyler...tell him to surprise me!! just make it two shots...
ok...i caved...but i figure...i couldn't hurt my dear friend's feelings!! besides...i just kicked the ambien habit this week...let's tackle one chemical dependency one chemical at a time...hmmm...speaking of coffee...
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