Jericho

One of my most favorite Bible guys is Joshua.  I think I have always cherished his bravery and courage and all the awesome words af such used with him: 
    
     Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
     for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

I love that when he went to spy out the Israelites' new land, he and Caleb were the ONLY two not terrified of the "giants" and tried to convince the others to not be afraid and to trust in their LORD--- the very LORD who parted the Red Sea and did so many other great miracles for them on a near daily basis.  It comes as no surprise me that he was the one God chose to have the Israelites walk around the whole city of Jericho 13 times. 

Last night we visited what I hope will be our new church family (we have been searching for such for 7 years).  With upcoming adoption of not one, but two children and not babies, but a teenager and a child in between my bio-children's ages, I have never been more certain in all my life that we need a like-minded body of believers to run to for accountability, edification, and prayer through this next season.  Just preparing these last few months with all the paperwork upon paperwork upon paperwork and readying our home (a major overhaul...I will have to post some before, during, after shots) for the what-seems-will-never-come-home-study (the watched pot never boils, right?) has brought me to worn-down places that only my children's toddler hoods and Autism have ever brought me...which...seems fitting because aren't the rough parts of pregnancy foreshadowing of the never-dreamed-of rough parts of parenthood that no amount of love, patience, books, and advice can prepare?

CHURCH...oh yeah...the guest speaker spoke of the destruction of Jericho and brought up MANY great points but the part that resonated with my soul and caused those rebellious tears to fall was his point on how if the Israelites would have thought, "we've done this for x amount of days now or x amount of circles now and nothing has happened...I'm not doing it anymore," then the walls (bc God gave them SPECIFIC instructions) would NOT have fallen down.  Let that sit with you for a moment.  When we disobey or give up after He has clearly given us an instruction...walls don't fall.  God can use someone (or something) else, clearly, but I don't ever want to miss out on what He has for those given walls on that given day.

I feel like I am marching around a city with my husband and two biological children that holds one room with my two heart children hidden inside.  A city that is about to be destroyed.  I'm sure the Israelites were focused on God's decree and that Jericho was their promised land, but they, at least some, had to also be focused on the promise they had made to Rahab about not harming anyone in her home lest their blood be on God's chosen people.  I am clinging to the time after time after time of God's incredible undeserved Grace being revealed in His word and through His promises.  I am quite sure had I been marching around that city, I'd have been chanting in my mind:  You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down, You parted...over and over and over again...just as I am today: You parted the Red Sea;You can bring my children to me faster than our broken state's department system allows...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring my children to me  faster than stacked paperwork or misplaced finger prints, or unhappy, unsaved.....one gets the idea.

So I try my best to not watch the pot.  And despite the fact that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to have these two children whose lives have already been knitted into our own, in my arms and under my protective care, I am continue to march on and constantly surrender the need to know what the next step will bring and chanting my mantra to Him..over and over and over.

All of this has painted such a beautiful picture of His adoption of us in my mind.  These children have no idea we exist.  They have no idea how hard we are already fighting for them on our knees and with our patience, our endurance, and our love for those who are proving difficult to love...people (and a system) they have had to be subjected to most of their lives.  They have no idea the hours I have spent researching different avenues for their future and how much sleep we've lost readying this home for their arrival...an arrival we anticipate with such tender joy and excitement.  An arrival they may fight, fear, or try to flee.  Oh how I do this to our Lord and Saviour.  He prepared the way before me (all of us)...before I ever even existed.  Why did it take so long for me to accept (not fear) His love?  How can I question a Love so Pure, so Sacrificial? 

May every time my children seek to reject me despite all I have and will always do for them be a gentle reminder of all the ways I have rejected Him despite all He has and will always do for me.  May it give me a Grace that is reflective of all the Grace I have been given.  May I continue to lay down my life and my needs (especially for control) in an act of blood-stained-sacrifice that pales in comparison to His blood-stained-sacrifice for me...for all of us.

May I always be strong and courageous, be not afraid,  and not become discouraged.  May I always focus my heart firmly on the promise that LORD my God will be with me wherever I go and may that be all the control I ever need to have til the day I stand (rather fall on my face) before Him.

 

God is moving...

One night long before we went to training, MY HUSBAND (the man who said we'd NEVER adopt...yeah...that one) prayed that God would soften our hearts toward His Complete Will, even if that meant adopting an older child. 

I have to be completely honest.  I dreamed of cloth diapering, wooden nesting blocks, making my own baby food, and enjoying all of the precious moments of infancy and toddler hood that autism robbed from my family.  I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to throw my arms around this man's neck or strangle him.  He just opened THAT door...a door I had my foot lightly in front of...because...I wanted a baby.

Several weeks later during our 30 hour state training, that same man, MY HUSBAND (yes, still same the man who said we'd NEVER adopt) was whispering in my ear that he was thinking we needed to consider adopting kids aged 6-11.  I nodded my head in agreement and at the same time picked my jaw up off the floor and figured maybe he was actually SERIOUS about this??? 

At one point during above mentioned training in reference to a sibling group, I literally blurted out:  oh my goodness, please just give those precious babies to me?!?!?!  The trainer held my gaze for a moment, but I had a million reasons (fears/arguments/etc) why we couldn't actually adopt those specific kiddos.  The eldest child's age for one did not fit neatly into my Hero's 6-11 category...and a female???

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I have learned:  don't ask God to lead and then try to tell Him where that destination should be.  And can I just tell you how beautiful it is to walk in obedience behind Him?  All those fears that crippled us in the beginning have just melted away.  I can barely breathe with how much love I have for children I have never met and know almost nothing about.  It's so much like pregnancy...God starts them out as a tiny seed and they grow and grow and time, love, patience, and faith allows all that naturally follows to manifest into a beautiful relationship between parents and children.  They are born of His love spilling into our lives and the overflow from all that He is beckons us to so much more than we could ever hope for or imagine for ourselves.

My prayer is that in time (note all the waiting I have been lamenting...it's a never ending wait...adoption pregnancies) we will be introducing the newest members of our family.  I have no answers right now just faith, love, hope, a whole lot of thankfulness, and a stack of s-l-o-w-l-y learned patience.

 

Waiting

I'm knee deep in adoption books.  Reading about the "trials" of adopting an older child leave my mind spinning.  The OA and I looked at each other in the middle of our 30 hour training and literally thanked God for autism.  I cannot imagine a better boot camp for laying aside all parental expectations and living each moment both good and bad to it's fullest knowing that life is but a series of moments and as fast as one comes on it is soon to be replaced with another.

Since OA and I have decided to adopt, I have stress fractured my foot causing me to be still for over 6 weeks and then to take things VERY slowly as I regain my foot's strength, and I am now under the influence of 3 prescriptions for a wicked kidney infection that has stalled all of my plans to ready my home while I continue to wait for news or at least a call saying our Home Study can be scheduled.  I cannot decide if Satan is trying to bind that which God has planned for good OR if God is trying to bind my incessant need to know what's next and teach me once again to wait for His perfect timing.

And the series of moments continues.

How on earth do I sit still and wait patiently for children who have been waiting for only God knows how long to simply have a forever family?? 

With every second of the clock that ticks away, I feel like it's one more second that has gone by that I haven't been able to let them know that they are so loved and so desired and so being fought for (even if it is "only" on my knees through prayer).  That they have a Dad, a Mom, a brother, and a sister who cannot wait to share their lives and that from this day forward they will never ever have to do this life and it's endless series of moments alone again.  EVER.

I can't wait for them to build trust in us so that we can subsequently introduce them to their Real and Living Father...may they be able to see Him for who He really is...a God who promises GOOD even to THEM.  

So with every single ticking moment I surrender all my hope, fear, frustrations, and impatience to He who also promises to restore all that the locusts have devoured.  I know that my wait, the kind I can only do flat on my face, is not in vain because He is busy fighting the battles for our family.

How can my heart be so committed to something that it has never met or even knows about??

My only explanation is:  FAITH.  And my oh my have I learned so much about His Heart for His Children in this time of wait.

Sigh