glorious snot!

ahh...thanksgiving...typically it's my favorite holiday...this year i started off less in the mood...not the thankful part...just that it's so hard to gear up for feasting when all the gluten and casein makes a sister sick...i have been cheating more lately which has explained my crazy mood swings and terrible cramps...

all these years i thought it was girl pains...NOPE...gluten...sigh...well...that should be easy enough to fix...except that I LOVE FOOD!

BUT...my small family headed out t-day to wally world...grabbed a few things...i came home and prepared a huge salad, fruit salad, some hummus, chips, salsa, veggie tray, and the BEST dang turkey chili i have ever made! we had a late dinner and topped it off with a fabulous gfcfsfef chocolate cake...mermaid had it all over her and didn't even care!!

of course, in between, the OA had his traditional-non-traditional gyoza, and i made him an oreo ice cream cake...and bought him a cheese ball with wheat thins...oh the gluten-casein torture...of course i caved...could explain my glorious snot! OH...and i may have had the best double shot latte complete with cow's milk...EVER...so it turned out to be quite a remarkably low-key thanksgiving...OA and i agreed we preferred the simplicity of it...wish we could've zapped our family in FL over...they appreciate simple...sigh...we do miss them so...there are few times in my life that i would like to re-visit...the evenings laughing on our screened in back porch playing games and darts...man...talk about alive...the best part is...we knew it...those moments are so cherished...

today j-man, mermaid, and i are all sick...i have never thought i would nearly burst into tears of thanks over soft tissue...the granola in me is happy to use a shirt sleeve or a paper towel...but the liquid waterfall of my nose said: ENOUGH! and my sexy husband rescued me with some benedryl and kleenex!

so off to apply a thick layer of diaper rash ointment on my nostrils and surrounding area...ahh...sweet relief!

fartleks, tooth fairies, and thanksgiving

so, i love that i get to say: i fartlek'd today...and watch the expressions on people's faces...i saw a runner's t-shirt that said "who fartlek'd?"...gotta have it! it's a running technique btw...i was going to move on (topically) but i figured some would lose sight of all i had remaining to post dying to know what a fartlek was...

j-bob last his first tooth...it happened while i was in dallas...OA blogged pics and story...how great that he did that for me...we didn't tell j-man that it was the tooth fairy...but he told me on the phone that someone left money under his pillow, and he "sinks it wuz the toof fairy"...oh well...ya win some ya lose some...

i have to update on mermaid...i have been very concerned that she may have been showing some freaky signs of bi-polar...way too early for such a diagnosis...but...i have my concerns...anyhow...i think...THANK YOU JESUS...i may have finally figured it all out...i'll know next week...as she was showing some signs of episodic behavior but that may have been coincidental...i started her back on singulair...the pink stuff with phenylalnine...well...she'd get better for a while but then (i think) after those chemicals started building up...she'd react...SO...i'd take her off...the detox from chemicals would make her seem better...BUT...the problems of not getting adequate oxygen would spiral into bad behavior again...SO...our DAN! prescribed a white red 40 and phenylalanine free version of sigulair...thank you walgreens for being the only place to carry it!!...we are into the second week...still good behavior...this is to include me leaving and us going off of routine with the holidays...i even let her eat skittles the other day as a special treat...and she was (mostly) amazingly behaved!! the whole on-again-off-again with the singulair was an accident, and i am only guessing on all this...it's just the only thing i can pin-point as being the consistent possibility...again...if she spirals out of control again next week...i'll know more...or less...i shall say...but tonight...i am simply thankful that it's been almost two weeks of no two hour meltdowns...

i look back at the last year of my life...i kinda have to laugh...really, Lord??...but much like my training...when the long run finally comes to an end...and the entire time i have to keep turning off those negative self-talks i like to shout inside my head...i take a many exhausted deep breaths...wow...that wasn't so bad...i can do this...really...i can...and i think i may learn to like it in the end (or die trying)...this is why paul (from the Bible) refers to running the good race...life is one big race...sometimes i am so focused on just finishing that i forget that i am loving...and hating every single blessed minute of it!

if jon and i do nothing else right in this life...thank You Lord...for the childhood we are giving our children...that every childhood could be so cherished...our children are growing up faster than i ever imagined...my son spends 50% less time in my face...sigh...he wants to ride the school bus for crying out loud...my heart is in a vice grip...how thankful am i to have the tough decision to make of once again...slowing down my own school...to enjoy the rapidly fleeting moments of childhood with my beloved angels...how can i ever think i have nothing to be thankful for...!!??

and have you seen my husband!!?? a granola can only be so deep...give me a break...you'd melt too for that crooked smile and big dimple!

wounds

i have come to dallas for a long over-due time of rest...i have had more time to think in the last two days than i have had in the last five years...

i have just realized that i have wounds from my past...wounds i didn't realize i still had...ironically, i scar very easily...the deeper the wound the bigger the scar tissue...i think they are called keloids...i am pretty sure my heart has many, too...the things from childhood...the smallest...the biggest...things...can be so wounding.

over the years, i have minimized my wounds...and instead i have begun taking on the wounds of those hurting around me...gladly assuming their scars...i guess it's been a way of hiding from my own.

until yesterday...i am pretty sure i have never been completely vulnerable to my husband...nine years of marriage...two beautiful children...and still not complete vulnerability...we make a damn good team...we are the best of friends...great lovers...but still...why can i not surrender my heart...

the same reason i fear God...fear that He is going to rip the rug right out from under me...because i have too much scar tissue...this trip...i am surrendering myself...i can trust my God, and i can trust my husband...i have got to stop hiding...i bleed my heart dry...leaving it empty...protected...safe...strong...

He promises i am strong when i am weak...i choose my strength to come from my vulnerability...i choose not to walk away...not to hide...not to be afraid...anymore.

i choose to trust...i choose to have a mind-blowing God-centered marriage...and i know when i get back...i am coming back to a man who is also choosing to change...a man i can trust...a man who does in fact love me...very very much...

a man who is not responsible for what happened in my past, a man who would never hurt me, a man who would never leave me, and a man who has promised to protect me...and our children...forever.

there are mistakes in our lives...and i am thankful these for mistakes...they remind me of Mercy, they remind me of Grace, and they bring me to my knees...it is there...i am fully surrendered...it is there...i feel healing...it is there...the pain goes away...

new running blog

ok...so remember the whole gonna slow down...take things off my plate...

well...i have started a separate blog to chronicle my training for the little rock half (or whole if you are crazy) marathon...

due to the personal things i may relate...i am setting it up as a subscribe only...or whatever it is...i think you have to get permission to read it...no offense taken if you are not interested in reading about my shin splints and miles and miles of pain...but solar is joining me on my masochistic quest to train for a half marathon...so i thought it'd be great to share our misery together...

misery does love company!

granola chics run

enjoy!!

don't sweat the small stuff

well...i have made a huge decision...esp for this type A, perfectionistic granola...if there is such a thing...no wonder i have issues...those traits don't easily co-exist with one another...

anyhow...i am slowing down. there is a project option in one of my classes...if you don't do them...your highest earn-able grade is a C...just typing that makes my heart beat faster, breathing shorter, and i am quite sure i just talked myself out of a mini-panic attack...a C...really...am i going to allow myself to take a C!?

well, yes...i am...i consider it therapy for one...who the heck cares about a freaking C...well besides other type A's...can i tell you...dear readers what i HAVE earned this semester?? A's on all tests (well i made an 88 on one test that i didn't study for and was sick while taking), papers, and assignments...yes...in addition to sending my less than one year's ASD diagnosed son to kindergarten...in addition to starting a new diet and therapies for my daughter...in addition to the one hundred other ridiculous/wonderfully rewarding things i sign myself up for EVERYDAY!? i think a C won't keep me from Heaven...which...is my ultimate goal anyhow...not to mention spending the precious and amazing moments of childhood with my rug-rats...and squeezing all the sexy love out of my man...and loving the incredible friends God has blessed me with...that's what counts...

today...i am slowing down...(my mom will read this...laugh...and say...uh huh...and for how long!?) well...the idea is not to stop...just start constantly evaluating my choices...BEFORE...i make them...i am learning...i am great at making objective and well-thought decisions with the big stuff...it's in all the: sure, i'll do it...oh, ok...i don't mind to do that...and why don't you let me....

so can i get some reminders when i get my grades at the end of the semester? OA is supportive, relieved, but a tad nervous that the reality of a C will send me straight over the edge...autism, merminator, marriage, financial difficulties...nothing i can't handle (in His Mercy)...but a freaking C...oh my...maybe i should start working on that project after all...

realities of motherhood

there are moments when motherhood is so inexplicably amazing...moments when you are capable of wrapping your mind around the sacrifice, the new identity, the sheer brilliance of childhood...

and then there are other moments...the ones no one prepares you for...sitting outside a classroom listening to people dissect your child's abilities, watching your daughter fight to breathe, the worry, the concern, the desperation...the love that is so intense...yet so ultimately helpless...

last night and today have been such moments for me...do i blog them? do i let other's into the desperate moments of my soul...what if there is one other mom who needs to know that there are days...hours...minutes...that you want to give up, run away, scream...

self-pity...today i pitied myself...even said a curse word in the direction of Heaven...but what brings me through these moments...how do i keep from giving up?

the caring friend who didn't blink a judging eye as she watched me throw the word in frustration at God...the friend who instead acted as the hands and feet of my Saviour and helped my little girl calm down...at least a bit...

my mom...who knows that sound in my voice means i am rapidly coming unraveled...who drops it all to come and give me a much needed night of re-grouping...my mom who worries for me just as i worry for mermaid...it must never get easier...

my mother-in-law who so intuitively knows over the miles that her family was hurting...who listens, who loves, who understands despite the distance...

my God...who isn't changed by the anger i expressed...who instead forgives, understands, heals...

i pitied myself for a moment...and yet...i know, i trust, i believe...

i. will. survive. this.

we. will. survive. this. together.

miracles and trials

well first things first...

saturday, in the midst of frenzied cleaning...the mermaid starting asking some tough questions...they got my attention, so i slowed what i was doing and answered them...

my almost four year old daughter was curious about how Jesus felt about men who don't like Him or are mean to Him...i explained that it breaks Jesus' heart, but He still loves them...that's why He came...because we all make bad choices sometime...anyhow...Heaven was addressed (again by her questioning)...she said she wanted to go to Heaven and live with Jesus...so we prayed for Jesus to come and live in her heart forever...

it was incredible...right in the middle of a busy saturday afternoon full of chores and checklists...my baby girl asked Jesus into her heart...how thankful i am to have been apart of that decision....

you know...just relating that story makes the financial pressures of today seem so insignificant...how thankful i am for my children...and for my amazing husband who constantly sacrifices for the sake of "recovering" our children...and who so unnecessarily carries the financial burden on his shoulders...may God bless him and reveal to him that he can cast that burden somewhere else...that we aren't suffering as a family...rather...working together and leaning on Him...sigh...i woke up this morning thinking i had so little when in fact...i have so much...

my big decision is continuing school next semester...we are officially down to one car as of today...and my going to school has placed a tremendous financial burden on my family...am i wrong...rushing...not listening to God...should i be focused on the sacrifice of today for the blessing of tomorrow...finishing school would nearly double our income...do i really want to work...am i supposed to be satisfied with near poorness...figuring out how to make it as a stay-at-home-mom...sigh...is God asking me to quit school one more time?? or am i just not trusting He will provide me with the means to finish...sigh, sigh, sigh.

i have struggled with this since giving birth...can mommies be professionals AND mommies...i know it happens everyday...but my personality isn't very good at balance...HA...just thinking of me being balanced makes me laugh...kindof an all-or-nothing girl...oh well...right now i just need to pray for God to help me get back and forth to UALR for one more month...i have worked way too hard to not finish this semester...blessings...focus on my blessings...they are many...many indeed...

sigh...

so i am a bit down today...for reason i won't express...as i can't even discuss politics for one second...SSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!

wow...i needed that...ok...so here's an old post...needed some inspiration for week two...and i also want to focus on what i can control...not what i cannot...

MOTION:

last summer (or two summers ago...who knows) i caught myself glaring at a hot mom on the beach while we were on vacation...not only did i split my capris (my fat-pants-capris) on that trip...i also had a good friend ask me if i was four months pregnant...AND not one time (in beautiful FWB, FL!!??) did i put on a bathing suit...

This was my second summer to not take my kids swimming past the kiddy pool in our back yard...RIDICULOUS! i took every energy and fat burning pill...i did weight watchers...i thought it had to be my thyroid...(or the 30 year mark for my body with two kids)...

it all started to change when i gave up meat for almost 6 months...as healthy as i think being a vegetarian is...i don't think vegetarianism was the answer as much as having to stop and think about EVERYTHING i put into my mouth...not to mention...vegetarian diets aren't usually embraced by the fast food *chemical* chains we were frequenting all too often...

and then i discovered: running...or in my case 'junning'...as it's way more of a jog than a run...the key to running? good tunes...good shoes...hydration...will power...

i love running...i love how i feel after i have done just one more song longer than i thought i could...i love pushing myself...the alone time i have with my thoughts and my God...He speaks to me when i run...sometimes i can run long and sometimes i have to be satisfied with just walking...sometimes i look at my goal...the end of the street...i demand myself to keep my eyes firmly fixed on my goal...other times i only allow myself to look one foot in front of the other....one step at a time...you can do this...don't stop...don't give up...one more step...

always...i am sad that it's over...always...i am a better person for doing it...always...i teach my kiddos that feeling good is an active choice...we have to choose to be happy...we have to choose to be healthy...we have to choose to refuse a mediocre life...

i will never again be the one who glares at a mom because she is healthy enough to wear a bathing suit and play with her children on the beach...i will not settle for what my 31 year old body tries to tell me is acceptable...God has blessed me with the ability to be in motion...with the ability to teach my daughter how to have a positive self-image...how not to hate her body for the things she can control and how important it is to have an outlet...a release for more than the way it makes me look...rather the way it makes me feel....the time it gives me to think...clear the clutter of my thoughts...enjoy God's creations...it's powerful...it's exhilarating...

it's EXHAUSTING...let's be honest...i feel every dang muscle in my out of shape body...BUT I LOVE IT!! bunions and all!!!!