What marathoner status means to me.

Well...sigh...it's over.

Never have I been so happy to say something was behind me in all my life.

This may end up highly cryptic and only meaningful to myself...but I have to release all of these thoughts whirling...whirling...whirling...in my head. My feet may have stopped running...but my mind has started a sprint that my emotions simply cannot keep up with any longer. I'll have to trust my fingers to get me where my legs have failed.

In true granola fashion, I'll not start at the beginning or end...but right in the middle...hoping the words will wind themselves around to one big happily ever after.

As I crossed the finish line I celebrated. I celebrated not because I was now one of the 1%, but because it was behind me...it...being the expectations...discussions...preparations...irritations...oh the irritations...my heart still quickens and I still want to slam my head into a car when I think of the many irritations (moving, illnesses, skipped runs, etc). I can say with much assurance that emotional disappointments and mental irritations can be the biggest wall one hits during 26.2 miles. My muscles fatigued, my feet hurt, my back ached...but my mind...oh my mind...always has...always will be...my biggest enemy.

As I crossed the finish line I searched. I searched for my husband. The one whose very presence calms me...anchors me...inspires me. He ran his first 5K that morning. All I could think about the last few hours( besides how bitterly disappointed I was becoming in what was shaping up to be a very boring and foot numbing run) was crossing the finish line so that my knight-in-a-lime-green-race-t-shirt could whisk me away from all the people...oh my...the people. I just wanted to get away from all the people. Crowds of people exhaust me more than running ever has.

As I crossed the finish line I learned. I learned that the expected sense of accomplishment of completing my marathon pales in comparison to the daily sense of accomplishment that I feel in the little moments of my life. I learned that I love my husband more than I ever imagined...that my children take my breath away more than any bucket list dream...that you can love something [running] so much that the expectations of what it will bring can rob it of all the joy...kill the moment...leave you empty...and very very very sore.

After crossing the finish line I realized. I realized that I have the best group of friends and family that any Granola could ever desire. I realized that some of my favorite moments during the race were the ones that I found myself utterly alone and very discouraged. It was in those moments that I reached out to the others around me who seemed to be in the same situation. It was in the moments that I felt totally empty that the act of reaching out to others was exactly what filled me up again...kindness of a stranger...unexpected act of compassion in a difficult situation.

After crossing the finish line I acknowledged. I acknowledged that maybe it was exactly what I had expected...it was hard...it was sacrifice...it was beyond all of my wildest imaginings. I acknowledged that my biggest hurdles to climb were my thoughts...my hurt feelings...my frustration. I am pretty sure I smeared them all on the streets of Memphis. I acknowledged that I will most likely never run that particular race again...for whatever reason...it was just too painful.

Now that I have crossed the finish line I can say that "marathoner status" has reminded me to simply look around...not too far back...not too far ahead...just right around. Look around...reach out...take it all in....the good and the bad...and keep putting one foot in front of the other...and to bring as many along with me as will come.

Everyone is a marathoner...whether they realize it or not.

mile one...one mile

as a part of our home schooling schedule, i have added biking, walking, or running to the start of every morning. i already aspire to do this with my running partner before the sun comes up, but i want it to become a part of my children's lives that is so natural, so reliable they never have to have an internal debate deliberating over the sleep vs exercise dilemma.

anyhow, on monday they decided that they wanted to run (go figure as my body still ached from saturday's run and then that morning's three miler). we looked up map my run for a one mile route at j-bob's request and started out on our way.

mermaid is steady, fluid, determined.

j-bob is sporadic, solid, prone to bursts that leave him tired.

they both warm my heart watching them run. i see long distance in mermaid's future and sprints or shot put in j-man's.

i see a passion and a preference for movement already...and opportunity for life lessons when the run gets hard.

as we are coming up the last hill at the end of our first mile, j-bob is slowing...growing tired. i am shouting encouragement from behind: don't you dare give up, just a little bit more, you've got this, you are so strong, work it son, mommy is so proud of you guys!!!

a white haired man with tan skin and a huge smile peaks his head from around his van as he begins to mow his yard and says: you must be the CRAZY mom on the block. the twinkle in his eye confirmed he appreciated my sentiments.

i replied: oh sir, you don't even know!!??

monday motivation aka voices in my head

this am as my alarm went off at 4:45 am...i reached for my phone to text my running partner...our monday ritual...usually each of us begging off in some form or fashion.

today as i went to text her, i heard a still small voice say, "don't think...just do." i obeyed...as still small voices with such authority usually don't speak to me before my morning coffee (even the voices in my head are scared of talking to me prior to caffeine).

i think my running partner initially wanted to duct tape the voice as she was really counting on my loud snoring voice to win out yet another monday morning! but we were rewarded with a "somewhat breeze", and a balmy 80 degrees, and great fellowship to start our week off to the right start!

moral of the story: don't remind your running partner of dunkin' donuts hazelnut coffee after having encouraged her to purchase a programmable coffee pot if you DON'T want her to have lovely sing-song voices beckoning her to rise on monday mornings.

i must say...we even scared some birds this morning as apparently they like to sleep in on monday mornings, too!

"don't think...just DO!"

most things in life i learned in...marathon training.

so today i had a long run. 12.56 miles to be exact...and when it is 90 degrees out by 6 am...one counts every single tenth of a mile!

last week we had to cut our 10 miler short to 9 because i was struggling so badly. it was an awful run. granted 4.5 were straight uphill...but still...it nearly brought me to tears. one bad run can haunt you...it amazes me how mentally...one awful run can negate all the other good runs.

so today i was very nervous. i hydrated for several days, took some b12 and iron supplements (both deplete with high mileage AND i am following vegan diet), and said some serious prayers.

at 4:30 my coffee pot started brewing dunkin' donuts hazelnut coffee...the smell alone makes me want to get out of bed...not to mention the silk dark chocolate almond milk that dances so smoothly with my insanely delicious coffee. my clothes were all laid out...i even had time to check my email. i couldn't bring myself to eat...iron pill or nerves...not sure...but not eating with a 12 miler on the horizon tends to make me nervous...so i grabbed a lara bar and a banana and headed out the door.

it is funny...the artillery required when training for a marathon...gone are the days of shoes, shorts, and shirt...today i had: hydration belt, extra hand-held water bottle, music, cliff shots, banana, water for afterward, towel for afterward, etc.

anyhow...i realized something today. last week's run...the bad one...i tried to do it all alone. i hung back from my running partners, listened to my music, prayed, suffered, hung back more trying to spare them my horrible negative energy, and suffered more. there are no words for that bad of a run. today...i stuck with my running partners. we prayed together. we carried eachother's burdens...each sharing some concerns, some blessings, some heartache, and some hope. when it got really tough...we prayed together again. today i learned that while God does call us to Him...and we can do it with Him alone...He blesses us with eachother...the body...and there is considerably less suffering when we just reach out and let others reach back...not hide our negative energy rather let those who love us...when we are easy and when we are difficult...help us along.

i see this everyday in the absolute blessings i have been given in my friends. but today...i really got it...it really sunk in.

and to top it all off...upon arriving home...my precious son...ran up and hugged me...wiped the sweat from my shirt off of his cheek...and asked me: how was your run, mom??

sigh...there are no words for that moment of thankfulness...according to the "definitions" he should be incapable of doing that...how blessed am i that he defines himself...not his diagnosis!

with tears in my eyes: awesome darling...awesome! and hey, j-bob, thanks for asking.

I love you, Charlotte Mason!!

Wow!! My second year of home schooling is upon us! I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed. Even more, I cannot believe the vast differences in my life brought about by home schooling. Yesterday public school teacher assignments came in. It was hard for me this year, because most likely Mermaid would have received J-Bob's angel of a teacher from his kindergarten year. Mermaid and I vacillated back and forth over whether she would in fact attend kindergarten this year. I knew she'd have an excellent teacher, and I hated the idea of robbing her from a kindergarten experience. To our surprise, OA put his foot down (see above statement about vast differences!!). In hindsight, I am so thankful. Mermaid isn't being robbed of anything. In fact, she had one of the most amazing early kindergarten experiences last year, and in an effort to not encourage her growing up too quickly, I am going to do a more focused gifted kindergarten again this year (she is so smart that we did a type of K last year just to keep her brain occupied).

Anyhow...all of this to lead up to this...some Charlotte Mason quotes on habit training. THIS ladies and gentlemen is why I home school. These values, ideals are the very reason my life home schooling is so much easier (almost hate to use that word...but let's face it...it is the truth) than my life before!

"The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days."

"The habits of the child produce the character of the man."

"Every day, every hour the parents are either passively or actively forming those habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character or conduct depend."

If you are interested in learning more check out Simply Charlotte Mason. They offer all kinds of free e-books! They just released a new one today!

let the storms roll in...

the mood outside is befitting the mood of my heart...it is an oddly bright morning with rolling thunder and a steady soft rain. it has the makings of a terrible storm, yet it seems promising...as if God is simply crying with me...holding my hand...washing my sadness away with His tender Love.

i had a dream...nightmare...of my childhood/adolescent monster. a monster that will apparently hide forever in my subconscious closet. this dream last night was different...it included my present...my OA...my beloved. it is unexplainable how utterly shocked i was to find the one whom i feel the safest with pitted against the one whom terrified me for so many years. i immediately went into protection mode...i didn't beg my monster to not hurt me...i begged my OA to walk away...not get involved...brush it off...please don't engage him...please don't hurt him...

i was begging OA not to hurt the monster.

somehow...this very small person is tied to such intense fear...that i assumed he could somehow find a way to hurt my OA and take him from me forever.

it's raining harder now.

my eyes are only half filled with tears...they are closed...i am listening to God wash away my fear. i am slowing my breathing...breathing Him in.

a big boom of rolling thunder.

i feel safe. i am in my own home. i am far removed from my monster. my children will never experience that kind of fear. i am so humbled by my life...where i am...what i have...what i have escaped.

still harder the rain comes.

and now the tears.

may my OA never come to rescue me in my dreams again...may i never have to see the two together...ever. may my dreams forever be protected from allowing my children to be brought into my nightmares. dear God...this is my desire...my humble begging request.

thank You for the rain.

i actually feel more sadness for my monster than i do for myself...i can only imagine what nightmares plague a man responsible for so much pain. i hear he is different now. may God rescue him from his regrets...his sins...thank You Lord for taking us ALL just as we are...newly made in You.

let it rain...open the floodgates of heaven...and let it rain.

just in case you were wondering:

• almond milk, agave nectar, and coffee have to be the welcoming drink at Heaven's gates...

• even meat eaters should only get about 7 to 9 oz of their protein from actual meat...

• kids enjoy cleaning with their mama...beside them enjoying it, too...and music makes it even more fun!

• i have a big pot of assorted soup beans simmering on the stove...makes me feel like a "real grown up"...

• on my night stand right now: scandalous freedom (highly recommend this book...not for the faint of heart...i'd say it's very much for those who struggle with legalism...but it's just as much for those who struggle with legalists), nutrition book for class, marathon book, running and fitness book, stitch 'n bitch (i have been dying for this book and the library finally had it on the shelf...it's a fun approach to knitting), and 101 designer one skein wonders (because when you are poor...you must learn to do more with less...one skein for the non-knitting readers...is basically one ball of yarn), oh and of course the ever present Charlotte Mason Companion (this is an amazing book for anyone who home schools...but especially for those of us doing the CM method).

• we dab lavender essential oil under mermaid's nose to calm her and to help her "nose work"...it's one of the first things she asks for in the morning and last thing she requests at night.

• i am shamefully addicted to spin class...i think about it way more than any normal person should...but we all know...i am far from normal!!

stop my beating heart

so today has been a whirl wind of emotions. bottom line: i hate money. money hates me. my son wants to get married to his cousin.

as i was driving and totally lost in thought i heard from the back seat:

mermaid: mama...j-bob just KISSED e-mo on the LIPS

(his precious sweaty face popped up between the front car seats wide-eyed-smiling)

j-bob: don't get me in trouble mama ((translation...don't be mad at me))

me: wait...what just happened? j...you kissed her on the lips...on purpose? like...you asked her to kiss you...you know we only kiss our friends and family on the cheek...right? were you kissing her like you would mermaid or me? because...you really should probably only kiss us on the cheek now, too ((translation...your sweet innocence could be misinterpreted by strangers))

j-bob: i was kissing her because i love her...like my sister...except...i love her like i wanna marry her

me: ((WHERE DID THIS COME FROM)) ((STUPID BARBIE MOVIES)) ((SHE BETTER SAY YES OR I'LL KICK HER OUT OF MY CAR)) ((WHY CAN'T HE STOP GROWING UP)) well...honey...let's just keep our kisses on the cheek from now on, ok?

mermaid: well, she can't marry you bc she is already gonna marry some other boy from school

e-mo: well, he said i had to be cat-woman or he wouldn't marry me and i don't like cat woman...i like super girl...i'll never be cat-woman...so maybe i won't marry him after all

me: ((ummm...did i time warp...these children are still 5, 5, and 7...right????))

j-bob: well...(undeniably most adorable and thoughtful grin spreading across his face)...i'll never ask you to be cat-woman...all i want you to be is a mom.

mermaid: well...j-bob...you cannot marry me OR e-mo...right, mom?

me: (looking in rear-view mirror at his sad face) well, technically not you because you are his sister...but...TECHNICALLY...yes...e-mo...because you guys are cousin by law...not blood...and the law is mostly concerned with blood...omg...why are we discussing this...you guys have at least 20 years of praying...and i promise...maybe then...you'll know who you are supposed to marry if you marry at all.

kids continue to discuss how super girl is so much better than cat-woman...and the boy from school is just plain wrong.

i return to my thoughts except this time instead of being irrepressibly stressed about money...i am lingering on the deep desire in my son's heart already. as long as i can remember j-bob has responded to the life-long question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" with: a dad. well...now this sweet sweet child not only wants to be a dad...he wants to MARRY a MOM. sigh. he wants a family. that's his dream. it warms my heart. so very few people prioritize that, especially as boys or men. his future wife...whomever she is...i think will be one of the most immensely blessed women. of course, i am partial. and proud. not pridefully proud...rather...hurt-my-heart-the-good-way-thankful-to-God-pride.

so...life...keep throwing your crap...keep trying to make me doubt my calling...to be a stay-at-home-home-schooling-mom. God likes the financial odds of living as a one-income family in today's world: impossible. i prefer those odds, too...because it's one of the few times i step out of the way realizing that other than being faithful with what's given...there's very little else that i can do.

i listen to the sweet girls playing dolls...and my sweet boy playing his DS...he's already over the whole marriage thing...back to girls being weird because they play "gurl stuff". back to me being the love of his precious little heart. i don't know how i'm gonna take it...the day some lucky girl walks away with my boy's heart in her hands...sigh. until then.

5 things

Well...this is some homework given by an amazing friend/sister when I was having a rather down day and a bit sick of all life's trials:

Find 5 things to thank God for that i wouldn't normally experience if it weren't for where i am right now...i chose autism.

1. Without autism...I would have most likely never discovered my incredible passion for running...which has revealed a strength and fortitude I did not realize I possessed.

2. Without autism...I would have never fully understood the power of food and chemicals to the human body.

3. Thanks to autism I see people differently...I use sensory goggles...I try to never take for granted those who struggle with social awkwardness.

4. Thanks to autism...I have learned to give up MY plans...learned to (mostly) rest in today's beauty...today's blessings...today's trials. I have learned to trust in a God who loves my child even more than I...and will always be with him...even when I cannot.

5. Autism has brought me into another world...a world of incredible children who have captured my heart...a world of like-minded moms fighting for the same thing...the life and mind of our babies...our boys and girls...our future men and women...moms who have turned out to be the most incredible friends that I could ever ask for. A world in which my non-conforming soul can soar...as my children are so out-side-the-box...it almost hurts...but in a mostly good way. A world that has brought my husband and I closer to each other than we ever dreamed.

Big sigh...I am feeling thankful. It has been a week's time since my emotional breakdown...what I needed most was to crawl in my Father's lap...and by His grace and mercy...He provided just such opportunity. May you all find joys in your trials...I cannot remember who I was before the diagnosis...and wouldn't trade places with her for all the money in the world.

Just for over achievement....

6. I am most thankful for the amazing-precious-most-innocent-minded-young-man who has captivated me with his life from day one...may I continue to learn love, sincerity, and joy from my sweet sweet son.

summer goals

In no particular order and this is so much more for me than anyone else (I have started this list seven different times on various scrap pieces of paper) I am posting my summer goals.

• Table manners
• Kids in the kitchen-kids help me prepare dinner every night
• daily exercise as a family
• family movie night
• one craft activity every afternoon with kiddos
• create a boredom busters jar
• continue with one hour of "school" each day
• tend to garden...learn to can!!
  
• J-Bob's food goals (eat seven new foods regularly by the end of summer)
• kids sleeping in their own beds through the night (yes they are seven and five...besides beyond picky eating this has been autism's biggest weapon against our family)
• stop using paper towels (use cloth napkins for hands and old rags and unmatched socks for cleaning)
• start making my own cleaning agents
• regularly scheduling date/prayer night with OA (weekly)
  
• post pictures of my creations before summer is OVER...hahaha...yeah right...no really...I want to show off...I must do this!
• finish kiddo's school planning for next year
• begin marathon training (build up to 30 miles a week)
  

It seems like I am forgetting some, but it feels so good to post this as it is accountability for me. I really cannot wait to start crossing those puppies off!

And as a side note, OA has given me 30 days of being GFCF. He is one week into it and ALREADY seeing positive results; most noticeably the little tiny bumps on his arm are disappearing. I cannot wait for the end of the month to do the challenge test. I am actually worried that his reaction might be quite severe.

I have had to add meat back into my diet...actually...I don't HAVE to do anything BUT...for the first time in seven years my entire family is eating the same way. Last night I had so much fun cooking one big dinner...gone are the days of separate meals. I have the rest of my life to be a vegan...for now...I am simply enjoying the fellowship of sharing a like-plated meal with my darling little family.

today

my morning started at 4:55 am to a text waking me out of a fitful sleep.

it included running, laughing, sweating, deep breathing, sharing, friendship.

the sun crept up so silently that i barely realized i was running from the dark into the lightened crisp morning air.

my family voted in the primaries. it was my first primary election.

i choked back the tears as my children hugged their daddy goodbye as he went to work, and we left for the library. my life is so blessed.

my children had to be peeled away from the books as they excitedly found so many to borrow that i could hardly lift the bag...the bag i sewed with transformers on it for J-Bob...the most favorite-of-favorite bags that i have ever owned.

we met friends in the park. our children were kind to each other and never even noticed the obvious difference in the quirky big boy who was too rough, too loud, too excited...i see such love in their lives. if only we could be like them.

i mowed the yard to surprise my OA who has done the dishes for me so many times this week...just because. my neighbor started the mower.

the kiddos congregated at another neighbor's house. they all played together. their ages were 5 to almost 13 and no one was unaccepted. it was beautiful to behold. my son started off in his too short handmade curious george jammy pants...and ended up in cool camo shorts. i never said a word. watching him figure out life is...beyond my words.

my daughter begged to be read a poetry book for girls...she has her mama's love for words...written...spoken...unspoken.

my husband came home and found his family lying in the dark on the trampoline watching for fireflies.

he started a fire in the fire pit, changed his clothes, and roasted marshmallows.

we ended the evening as a family...lying together...staring at the incredible night sky. the brilliance of the bright stars in the vastness of the dark sky.

my life...it warms my heart.

i am so very undeserving.

but i will so humbly accept and thankfully drink in every single moment of His incredible Mercy.

i only wish that i could offer such evenings to the many hurting and unloved children in this world...my prayers are always with them.

eternity...days like these...i glimpse His Love...His Tenderness...Him.

i love Him so much.

nothing a little bootie shakin and food dyes cannot solve

i confess, after posting my last blog entry i:

• let the kids watch sponge bob square pants (gasp...i know...he makes my brain hurt)
  

• busted out HAIRBO gummy bears (double gasp...i know...i know...i threw all caution to the wind with food dyes and high fructose corn syrup)

• blasted usher in my ears and shook "the bootie" while cleaning my house...oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh my gosh (i just love that song)

• smiled as my son...the one who was extra autistic today...took his outta the box thinking and had me tape his light saber and sword to his arms...so he "could practice his skills" outside

• taught my little shadow how to cook vegan spaghetti with spaghetti squash and gf garlic bread...divine.
  

• decided that my sweet little shadow...who was extra clingy today...is the perfect storm...the passion of her mommy coupled with the intensity of her daddy...and i am a better person because of her.

• smiled as my children...the ones who did not in fact get the memo...decorated our table with a white sheet, plates, "honeybuns" aka honey suckle flowers, and handmade cloth napkins...for their daddy...hahahaha...i love those non-memo-gettin-kiddos

• sighed a great big sigh of relief after dinner as OA swept said kiddos off into the other room which allowed me some TIME ALONE! (admit it...best gift ever)
  

• decided that i love that i hate overly commercialized holidays...they always end up being a great big reminder that my quirky family is in fact...quirky...but at the end of the day...be the day good or bad...i know that we are just the way God has ordained us to be. and that always makes me smile!

ba hum bug

sitting alone on yet another mother's day

my husband is out serving every other mother this day of days while his wife once again spends "her day" alone with their children.


it gets so old...being alone on holidays.

it gets even older...the over hyped expectation of each and every holiday. my kids never get the memos.

my son with autism only seems that much more autistic.

my daughter who loves me to the point of suffocation...only holds on that much tighter...leaving me barely able to breathe.

and everyone around us seems to be celebrating...matching...smiling...sending out the "this is so easy message"

today, my daughter is whining...extra loud.

today, my son is lost in his own world...glaring off into space and talking to himself. he is angry because it didn't go the way he wanted..."it" being life. and being my child, coupled with autism, he is beyond incapable of faking it.

so she pouts, and he glares, and i try to worship...and then the overly hungry family goes grocery shopping amidst the sea of happy mother's day flowers, cards, families.

blah

i just want my exhausted husband to come home. i need my anchor. the man who almost always immediately makes these kind of days better. the daddy the kiddos cannot stand to disappoint...autism...whining...what-have-you.

i just want tomorrow to come...so the pressures of being alone and living a far from "normal" life will leave my shoulders.

i just want to finally let go of all expectations.

i really just pray that my children know that i feel most celebrated when they are peacefully asleep, or during our unsolicited conversations about God, love, and all things important to their hearts, or the stolen moments away during a good long run.

run...that's the problem...i should've started my "holiday" out with a good long run...the special place where my feet meet the road and my heart meets my Creator. where i trample all of my expectations and sweat away the sorrow's of my soul.

sigh.

for every mother out there who ends up mostly alone on holidays, for every mom out there who has lost a child, for every woman who desperately longs to hold a baby in her arms yet cannot, for all the mommy's who secretly want to run away: i hate mother's day, too.

for the rest of you...ba hum bug! hehe...that actual made me smile!! ;)

yes it is five am

a few early am thoughts on four hours of sleep before a five am run:

my reflective vest is oh-so sexy

my dogs just looked at me like i was crazy for being outta bed already

coffee can never be too hot or too sweet at this hour

i am quite sure a bird just laughed at me

deep sigh

man...oh man...not even sure where to begin?

in my typical manner...i'll start in the middle...and spiral around...because that is the way my brain works.

i went on a run this morning. i stopped taking my medication for anxiety 7 days ago. i also gave up gluten for good...and meat for however long my body allows this go around.

it all started when mermaid questioned why eating other animals was ok...but not ok to eat her dog? well...i found that hard to explain...the hierarchy of animals...so we talked for awhile and it ended with her deciding not to eat meat. (that lasted less than 2 days). but that was all that it took for me to be re-ignited. more because i dusted off my old cookbooks that always brought me such joy...and less because i wanna save the animals...though...the idea of eating flesh has always gnawed at me a bit.

and all things said: granolachic...i began to do some research. i am quite convinced that the PROPER vegan diet is one of the healthiest ways for, at the very least, me to live.

so my run.

it was amazing...and i realized that i was thinking again...and i realized that my medication was a beautiful vacation from my over-active mind...but that all it did was suppress my thoughts...these thoughts...they were just silenced by the whir...whir...whir...of my neurotransmitters being re-uptaked or inhibited...what-have-you.

i really was so very happy. on my meds. maybe not even happy. but content. sigh.

why would i walk away from that?

but i was content just being...and i ceased doing. and i am by the very nature of my soul...a do-er.

during my run all i could think about was the fact that i have always been running...away...in circles...towards...up hills...in more circles...down hills...in more circles...i have done a lot of running in circles and away. but i always come back to where i started. i have given the demons of my past...the bad choices and sins of others more room in my life than necessary.

today on my run i resolved that i did not want to swallow a pill that squelched my spirit...i did not want to run away anymore...i wanted to run...but this time...full throttle...and over the very obstacles that try to pull me down. i am ready to knock those skeletons out of the closet and flat on their arses...for good.

today...i ran a new PR (personal record). it was the hardest run that i have accomplished thus far...and i gutted the last leg out...and the rest of the day...mostly sucked. and i went to reach for my pills...and i wanted to wash them down with a gulp of wine...but instead...i prayed...i apologized to my children...and i decided to write to whomever would listen.

and the rest of my days may include extreme moodiness...possible anxiety attacks...more apologies...reconciling my trust issues...leaning on His understanding and not my own...bouts of depression...lots of laughter...re-arranging the house to the point of insanity...knitting, sewing, reading, and writing (all of which were halted due to lack of interest while on the meds)...and lots and lots of running.

and in the end...i may be swallowing a pill again...but this time...if that is the answer He gives...it will not be because i am running away...it will be because that is the only way to run over.

early morning prayers

I keep coming back to this passage:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 6,7

This is my third week of getting up at 4:45 am to run with a friend(s) by 5. It has turned out to be some of my most favorite parts of my day. The best part being awake and exercised by 6 to spend some quiet time with God. The whole early morning with Him and exercise is so simple...that it is often written off...at least for me. Not to mention that I am now in a new season of life...my children are sleeping through (most of) the night. They are five and almost seven.

My prayers this morning are for God to continue to work in/through my family. It truly seems that He is preparing our hearts to possibly adopt. The kids and I are fully on board...OA...well...he will always be our reality compass...but he seems open...just not realizing it yet. This morning I was overwhelmed to pray that God prepare the child who may be brought into this family...and prepare us to receive him/her. This is an area that I want to not put my hands on...not manipulate the outcome...rather...fully trust and rely and listen.

I pray for my husband to continue to lead...and listen...and love us. He is turning into this incredible man...I cannot even describe the remarkable changes in his heart...it is all God. I am so thankful.

I pray that God would continue to be smack dab in the center of our home...our lives...our schooling. That my children would eternally seek Him. That this magical unexplainable love for Him...awe of Him...would never ever leave their hearts, minds, soul.

I don't even know what to pray in regards to autism anymore...J-bob just seems so perfect...in his imperfection. I forget we even live a special needs life. There are jabbing reminders everynow and then...but they bounce off...usually...because in the grand scheme of it all...he is in love with his saviour...and exhibits Light and Love like very few. He is so much in the world yet so not of the world...why would I ever pray to recover that? I am simply thankful that God has healed his body...that he is eating healthy foods...that his skin is clear and his immune system is working...that his mind and heart are with us. My eternal thanks.

For my daughter...my precious mirror of my soul. sigh. I am so thankful for the relationship that has grown between us...may it only deepen with time. I am thankful for the opportunities she gives me to see God and a daddy through fresh eyes. She is beyond a joy. My princess.

For my friends, family, neighbors, enemies...may God shine Light, Love, and Hope into their lives.

in His Precious Name.

Taking a break

Well, as if it is not obvious...I am having to take a blog break. My life is simply so very full right now. Full in a good way. Very good.

God is absolutely amazing. I am finally not closing my eyes...holding my breath...waiting for the good to disappear. He is good no matter what. My heart has always known that...but my head is just now wrapping itself around what that means. So on the good days and the bad days...I am standing firm on/in His goodness!

Thank you all for your faithful prayers. I will continue to drop in on your blogs! And I am hoping that come summer...I may have more "blog time"!

half marathon

oh wow...

i did it.

i had rsv...have rsv...my lungs are killing me...but i did it.

not alone...

with incredible friends and my brother ran it, too.

so tired and will post pics as i get them.

thanks for love and prayers!

unwell homeschooling mama's substitute

well...in no particular order of importance...i am thankful for these conveniences in my life as i am fighting an upper respiratory battle before my half marathon:

• right start math (kids begged to stretch math into twice the allotted time)

• amelia bedlia (jaden read half of the book without complaining!)

• wii (no explanation needed)

• crock pots (really makes me question my strong desire to homestead in the future...i mean really if i had to pedal for my own electricity today...we'd be using candles!)

• garden bath tub (hour of play for kids)

• Lego's (again...no explanation necessary)

• mr. popper's penguins (kids LOVE this story)

• books on CD (almost listened to complete story of THE LION, THE WITCH, and THE WARDROBE in the last two days)

• QUIET TIME!!!!

may this day never be forgotten

i woke at 5 am to the smell of coffee...OA conceded to the purchase of a programmable coffee maker. ahhh...the little things in life.

i went to the gym and ran my pathetic 2 miles in my only attempt to follow my half marathon training schedule...gotta love the taper (half marathon on sunday...so not ready)!

came home smiling from the few stolen moments with two lovely ladies...also gyming it way too early.

decided that i would bless OA, as yesterday was one big wonderful-husband-blessing-wife-moment after another. i love it when he cleans, cooks, and reads to our children! so the kiddos and i made him breakfast in bed, complete with hot sauce and diet dr. pepper (don't get me started)...they made him cards which prompted to my making a card...followed by a back massage. he said it was the "best morning ever".

i guess it's true...to raise a servant...you must be a servant.

my children decided to surprise the OA and i by making our bed for us. the duvet was upside down...which made it even more special.

they later decided that they wanted to serve me...they brought out our home-made jello and several glasses of water and mermaid insisted that i let her play with my hair (really, daughters are SO MUCH FUN!).

my son has eaten: breakfast sausage, rice cake with jelly, carrot sticks, jello, stove popped popcorn, pepperonis, and lasagna...all today. that is more than he used to eat in a combined year...variety wise.

my children, husband, and i are all bearing fruit for this season. i take the good days with the bad. today...well...it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. how i celebrate the moments with my precious family.

may your days find you equally as blessed.

as i type

OA is strumming his guitar...

Jay-Bob and Mermaid are putting on a dance show in the dark with a flash-light-spot-light...

We just finished having a family dance-a-thon in the living room...

My life and heart are so full...

If I could bottle this very moment of my life...I would.

I am quite sure this love I feel...is only a tiny glimpse of what our God feels for us.

deep contented sigh

oh wait...

good feeling gone...

OA thought it would be funny to put the hamsters in front of the dogs to make the kids "laugh". both children are now screaming and crying from fear of beloved hamster death.

seriously??

it's quite amazing what can transpire before one hits PUBLISH POST.

ahh...the joys of family-hood.

again...deep-contented-i-am-not-afraid-to-smack-my-husband-laughing-on-the-inside-SIGH.

My God-given wings...and learning to fly

Man...I am not quite sure where to begin? Knowing me it'll be somewhere in the middle.

Actually, I will start on a day in first grade: my first anxiety attack. I can still remember the fear. There was a storm and I was staring out big windows crying...sobbing...because I was afraid for my mom's life. Apparently, she felt in her soul that I needed her and came and got me. It was that intense...a cosmic cry for help that mother's (thank you Holy Spirit) feel.

Fast forward to one week ago. I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. How is one sound asleep woken with anxiety? I had been sick for three weeks prior to and decided at that moment I was going to the doctor in the morning.

I have tried: prayer, diet, exercise, knitting, sewing, writing, talking, breathing, more prayer, denial, acceptance.

My tipping point was the realization that I truly have dealt with the demons of my past and accepted and embraced my role a special needs mom. My marriage has been restored and my family has never been closer to God. Things are great. But I am full of anxiety. Seriously?

I struggle with the thoughts that I am a child of God who rests fully in His Protection. I have never once doubted that. As a child I would close my eyes and pictures His fiery angels holding hands around my bed...my house...my brother...my mom. He has brought us out of so much. Why would I ever need more than that knowledge to ease my mind?

I think the answer is near. I think that as my mind is learning to take flight, I will be more confident in putting those thoughts into words. Right now I am taking a very small pill every morning. For the first time in my life, I have been able to identify and dismiss a thought. In the past I have lost days of sleep ruminating over one thought which only intensified as I rebuked myself for knowing how stupid it was that I was unable to let it go.

Last night was my biggest test. It was my ten year anniversary. It was the most incredible day that I have ever spent with my husband. As I was falling asleep, my mind turned on me. The attack was swift and powerful. I have not had these memories of my former step father in many many years. For the first time, these memories did not cripple my mind...my relationship...me. I allowed myself to remember. I said my prayer of eternal thankfulness. I rolled over. I went to sleep.

I am taking these broken wings and learning to fly again.

God is still in control. I still have faith. I just needed to allow Him to give me a splint for a while. Before I know it, He will have me soaring on mended wings!

Introducing: my mama!!

Unfortunately I have to make this quick. So much has happened since my last blog entry...but now isn't the time for an update. Let's just say my entire house has almost been repainted! We are having a blast having OA home with us for a week, and I am soaking up every minute of him!

My mom started a blog. It is amazing!! Please take a minute to visit and comment! I will let her introduce her own story...let's just say...God has given her a key to unlock her life. It has been miraculous!

There is something beyond words between a mother and her daughter. I have never been more proud: Transparent Now

writer's block

i'm quite certain that it stems from lack of gluten, casein, or soy. i'm finally getting serious about my diet. too many "issues" have cropped up; the most significant one including blood. not gonna play around with intestinal bleeding. God has given my an answer of my strange illnesses. ridiculous for me to continue to ignore them so that i can indulge my cravings.

and when i say cravings...i mean: CRAVINGS.

my body is literally burning inside for something...anything...everything it cannot have. it is intense and relentless and irritating. but i am not going to succumb. and this time...when i finally make it over this volatile hill of flesh vs will power...i pray that i will not u-turn back into bad habits!

so say a prayer...more for my children and spouse! and much love on this lovely love weekend!

Great newly discovered blog!

The year of Jay-Bob's diagnosis I picked up knitting. There's something soothing about the clink-swish-clink-swish-yarn-between-my-fingers. I would get lost in knit and purl stitches...started sharing my time on the local book stores special needs section's floor with the local hobby stores...I would pace the aisles of yarn...touching them and dreaming of what they could become...breathing in all of their possibilities.

Looking back it is so obvious the appeal of transforming a ball of yarn into a beautiful project was so similar to having a child trapped in his own mind. The gentle art of transformation...or not so gentle in the world of autism. The last few years have amazed me.

Anyhow, Jay-man is getting better; we will always have certain hurdles to jump and quirky characteristics that will forever linger, but I am finding in my projects that are the hardest to complete, fraught with frustrating do-overs, and left with several scars of my inadequacies that only I the creator and fellow more experienced crafters will notice are by far my most favorite!

Mermaid must have sensed that I love challenges...HA...as her non-diagnosable issues led me to sewing! In all seriousness, I have stumbled upon MANY AMAZING new blogs. There's just something about creative women! There are several on my blog list; be sure to take some time and get acquainted! There's one that has stuck out the most, and she is fast approaching her goal of 400 followers. Please take a moment to view her blog: Noodlehead. But beware...you may end up asking for a sewing machine for Valentine's Day!!

running playlist

So I have been dying to post my running playlist here for others to enjoy and add suggestions...well...here it is:

oh wait...

nothing??

crap...what did I DO??

oh, that's right...I went and erased THE ENTIRE THING on accident whilst trying to post.

ARGH.

well...to be continued!!

In the mean time, what are your favorite songs to exercise to?

Snow Day...in pics

Imagine what I could do with a working camera and powerful lens...until then...I dream and capture best I can.

the name game

The kiddos are into that silly name-rhyme game in which one changes up the first sound of someone's name.

Mom-mom-bo-bom-banana-fana-bo-bom-me-mi-mo-mom-moooom

We cycle through every favorite person and pet imaginable in about a thirty minute time frame. Well, today Mermaid came running into the room breathless from going through her own list of favorite animals and excitedly exclaimed: Mom, Mom...do God!!!!!!

I paused. I was initially stuck in "grown up mind". I was worried that doing "God's name" would somehow be sacrilegious or wrong. I mean...He IS...the I AM. Am I really allowed to do His name to the name game song? Then I un-paused...realizing that my daughter is so in love with Him, that she cannot wait to add Him to her list of favorite people...I mean...He was mixed in there with the dogs...her most holy of holy. When we were finished she left...then she came running back in the room and further announced: Mom, Mom...do you think God is laughing?? Her smile was incredible. I asked her if she was happy thinking about Him and playing her favorite game with Him...she nodded gleefully..."well then, I bet He is!"

We do history starting from Genesis for our home school. Going through history...the Bible...is so profoundly exciting when you do it with your children. I have never experienced God like I am experiencing Him through the fresh unconditional eyes of my precious children. I look forward to reading my Bible in One Year Blog this year...whereas, last year, it was just something to accomplish (I didn't even get through Jan). God is a Hero, a knight in shining armor. His-tory is a beautiful love story...written for us...it's tragic, epic, life changing.

God-God-bo-bod-bana-fana-fo-fod-me-mi-mo-mod-GOOODDD

How I love Him so!!

you know you've almost been married 10 years when...

your mom calls and asks if she can watch the kiddos and you scream: YYYEEESSSSSS!!!!! before she can get her words out...AND...have the bags packed before she gets to the door to pick them up!

you opt to finish your next round of knit and purl stitches on the hat you are knitting instead of taking a shower and putting on makeup.

your date consists of subway, a cookie, and a trip to the liquor store for a bottle of wine.

you both goob out over the fact that for the first time in over four years you get to watch HOUSE on your own tv via the newly purchased cable!

after HOUSE you start knitting again while your darling OA finishes up doing the taxes.

he winks, pours you both one more glass of wine, and goes to take a bath...you blog...and smile...knowing most likely that you will both be snoring in about thirty minutes!!

i love this almost-decade. this last year of marriage has by far been my favorite.

deep warm snuggly sigh.

and i cannot lie...he is still very very HOT!

tired ramblings

I am off to bed, as I have a ten mile run ahead of me in the morning.

It has been an exceptionally fast week. I think the part that I want to remember the most about this week was today: OA and the kiddos walking into the school (unexpectedly) where I work part-time and me momentarily losing my breath.

My family literally takes my breath away. I am so unworthy of the blessings that I am given. May I breathe them in...and back out again...sharing as much of His Love with my fellow man as possible.

There is something about opening your heart up...especially when it is a Love of Choice...not a love of necessity or guilt or obligation. I am quite sure that is why He gave us Free Will.

Chosen Love...the kind of Love that stirs within.

Fencing

So tonight I took my kiddos to a fencing class. We were able to meet our very best friends who were also giving it a try. It's in a big church gymnasium of sorts; to be honest, I was floored at the amount of people who were interested in fencing.

As we were walking in, J-bob started doing some very weird-very serious stretching-pausing-stretching-facial-grimacing poses. I was immediately reminded of Napoleon Dynamite and didn't know whether I should burst into tears or peeling laughter. That boy of mine.

The class required alot of blocking out other sensory stimuli, lots of verbal multi-step commands, repetition, uncomfortable stances, and losing a fencing version of "Simon says". All in all...with only a very small heart breakingly disappointed reaction to getting out early on in the game...J-bob did beyond my expectations!!

Mermaid was adorable. The smallest, shyest, sweetest little princess...who may have very well fallen in love with the sport of fencing tonight. She was asking if it could become apart of our school routine. Oh, how I love home schooling.

I was instantly reminded of how young my "small packages" still are. They seem so grown up to me these days. I was very thankful for God's gift of tender reminders that my babies are still my babies...despite their every growing shoe size.

There was an incredible young man...I am guessing maybe twelve or a bit older...poor boy...stuck in the newbies group with us misfits...he gave me hope. He was chivalrous, kind, and down right enjoyable.

Big Warm Sigh.

I almost feel guilty...having such an incredible night while so many are suffering devastation in Haiti. May God wrap His arm of peace and love around them all this evening.

2010

Holy cow where has all of the time gone?

Well...my last post was a mommy meltdown pity party extraordinairre...and I promise it was almost immediately better the moment I prayed. But man-o-man-man can the holidays be daunting!!

I have completed my first semester of homeschooling and still have all of my hair. Actually, it has brought a peace to our lives beyond any explanation. I do believe that if you have continued issues homeschooling, then you need to evaluate your expectations versus methods. I am becoming quite the Charlotte Mason snob. That is for an entirely separate post, but the bottom line is my children are being introduced to a Real and Living God and the icing on the cake is that they are also being introduced to a real and living life of learning. The spark has been ignited...in just four short months; from here on out, I am simply responsible for fanning the flame. It is by far the most rewarding and exciting thing that I have ever done.

ANYHOO...just to update...OA is enjoying his job...and providing so nicely for our family who has learned the art of embracing quality time with eachother over consumerism and over provision.

I have taken on sewing in which I have fallen IN LOVE. I hope to post some pics, soon. In addition to pics...there are some INCREDIBLE sewing blogs out there...I mean...really...sewing chics are just plain cool! I also work three hours a day at Merci's old Montessori preschool...oh yeah, and I am training for another half marathon...oh yeah, and I am...learning to simplify! HA

Jay-bob is loving school. He has been heard saying the following: Can we go to the library? I love to read. Will you read _____ to me mommy? Math is so cool. I love God, and Jesus, and everyone in the whole entire world. ((that boy breaks my heart daily with his tenderness))

Mermaid is also loving school. Already reading...of course she does it all early. She just turned five years old. DEEP HEARTFELT SIGH. She has stolen my heart. She loves sewing, too. She sits with a box of scrap fabrics and pins and creates clothes for her Barbie and of course because she is my child Optimus Prime (transformer). She and I were looking at fabrics together on the computer and it was incredible her taste (sweet dainty roses and PINK) versus my taste (retro birds and anything BUT PINK). She started altering her taste to mine so we had to pause and have a mini-lesson on being true to ourselves and how it makes me appreciate who she is even more when she is different from me. ANOTHER DEEP SIGH.

2009 was incredibly educational for my family. We altered so much of our lives and really shifted into a new way of thinking. Our shift has been one that has created a family that is not only loving God...but obeying Him, too. It has been one of the most fullfilling decisions we have ever made. I do not fear 2010...I embrace all that it will bring...the good...the bad...and everything in between.