i must first say that we just had a remarkable 10 day family "staycation". it was sheer bliss.
that is probably why today is feeling so IMPOSSIBLE.
i used to love the holidays. i still love the idea of them...but with a special needs child...especially one whom you often forget has special needs...holidays have begun to sting a little.
they are a time when the whole world gets together and eats delicious junk while my kiddos watch...and i am constantly having to justify the fact that...yes...just one bite does make a difference...so go eat your crap...gain your 10 pounds and LEAVE US ALONE!!
they are a time when families get together and then begins the small slaps in the face as you watch the other children in the family slowly surpass your child's maturity...(which only infuriates you that you notice...and further frustrates you that you give a damn...)just yesterday you were marveling at the "gift of autism" in that almost no other child has the impeccable manners of your son...just yesterday tears were spilling over your eyes because God has given you such an incredible blessing...to include autism...because your child has a real and living relationship with the King of the Universe...just yesterday...everything was perfect.
it's the sudden snap...that one startling meltdown...just one missing piece of the puzzle that can send a day, a week, or a month into a tail spin.
it's as simple as eating marshmellows (food dye) on vacation, daddy going back to work, the "flexing" of the schedule...and then there's the get-togethers...the extra play dates...
and in between being a good daughter, grand daughter, sister, wife, and friend...somewhere sandwiched in the midst of all of that...being the mom of a special needs child gets lost...lost to those who don't see behind the scenes...
so for this very moment...i am wallowing in a bit of self pity...please just indulge me by looking the other way...saying a prayer...giving me a hug...not saying a word.
in a few minutes i will be composed...we will leave our house...greet the world with our smiles and laughter...and continue letting almost all who know us believe that living with autism is actually easy.
for the other families with life-out-side-the-box...i am praying for you...as holidays can be so incredibly difficult for our little and not so little ones. and together i raise my voice with yours in a good-old-fashioned-holiday-scream!!
My Quivers
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
pregnancy test
so i bought a pregnancy test last night.
"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.
"they are," i reply.
but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.
and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.
i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.
well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.
and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.
he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.
i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).
sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.
i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.
so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?
just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.
i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.
"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.
"they are," i reply.
but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.
and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.
i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.
well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.
and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.
he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.
i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).
sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.
i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.
so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?
just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.
i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
bug man
why did i not discover sewing sooner? it seems my most favorite things i have found in my 30's: running, knitting, sewing, and gardening.
my hopes are that in ten years (or less) we will be able to homestead. even OA has agreed. i can just see our family happily pedaling for electricity and living off of the fat of the land...gfcfsf land...that is!
today j-bob finished reading his first Bible. we began reading it daily when school started. i am so incredibly blessed...as is mermaid...as she and i were the recipients of his reading!
i find myself questioning if i am doing enough, as more and more i realize i am very laid back in so many areas.
the other day the bug man showed up for a yearly inspection. he just rang the doorbell and asked if it was a good time...good time as any...i was reading a chapter book to the kiddos on the couch...it only dawned on me several minutes into my chapter...HE IS LOOKING EVERYWHERE! they look in closets, behind doors, inside cabinets...when's the last time i swept behind the door of my bathroom?? and didn't i let the kiddos fold AND put the towels away??
aye aye aye
well...what do i care? my momentary freak out session only lasted about a page...it was such a good book, he refused to interrupt us until after the chapter was finished. i realized he thought more of our family time than he did of our lack of perfection. it was nice...the inspection.
moral of the story: be kind to your bug man...he sees it ALL! oh, and don't refold or reorganize the closet after your kiddos fold and put away the towels...every time you open the door and one fall right into your arms...you'll just have to smile!
my hopes are that in ten years (or less) we will be able to homestead. even OA has agreed. i can just see our family happily pedaling for electricity and living off of the fat of the land...gfcfsf land...that is!
today j-bob finished reading his first Bible. we began reading it daily when school started. i am so incredibly blessed...as is mermaid...as she and i were the recipients of his reading!
i find myself questioning if i am doing enough, as more and more i realize i am very laid back in so many areas.
the other day the bug man showed up for a yearly inspection. he just rang the doorbell and asked if it was a good time...good time as any...i was reading a chapter book to the kiddos on the couch...it only dawned on me several minutes into my chapter...HE IS LOOKING EVERYWHERE! they look in closets, behind doors, inside cabinets...when's the last time i swept behind the door of my bathroom?? and didn't i let the kiddos fold AND put the towels away??
aye aye aye
well...what do i care? my momentary freak out session only lasted about a page...it was such a good book, he refused to interrupt us until after the chapter was finished. i realized he thought more of our family time than he did of our lack of perfection. it was nice...the inspection.
moral of the story: be kind to your bug man...he sees it ALL! oh, and don't refold or reorganize the closet after your kiddos fold and put away the towels...every time you open the door and one fall right into your arms...you'll just have to smile!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
randomness
man...i am so behind in pictures...our camera is on the blitz...oh, if money grew on trees...or if God didn't call me to home school and we actually had what some refer to as: spending money!?
don't worry; i would not trade the time i have with my kiddos for all the spending money in the world...so please forgive my lack of cute pictures! i'll just have to make up for them with charm and wit! oops...well...i hope you just love me for me!
had to share a couple things:
mermaid: favorite books to carry to bed are her assortment of Bibles...every night she falls asleep with an open Bible in her lap...beautiful.
j-bob: has finally fallen in love with reading. he is reading everything. his favorites right now are curious george, froggy books, and this early reader series about a granpa telling anti-itch stories to his grand pup who has chicken pox.
family: OA bought Uno Attack, and we are having the best times playing this card game...even mermaid does well. i am quite sure we have played no less than 100 times since yesterday afternoon.
misc: my mom had the kiddos for an errand yesterday morning...she called to say they had done a U-turn to go to the pumpkin patch and would be a few minutes later than expected. the kiddos got to literally pick their own pumpkins off the stem...as i hung up the phone i realized how blessed i am to have a mom who is willing to pause her busy day to do a U-turn for a memory for her gi-babies. (and how much more blessed are my kiddos!)
God is good...i am drinking in this time of my life...i am quite sure it cannot get any better. my children are blossoming, and it is quite amazing observing their relationship with a real and living God unfold.
i am quite sure that OA is secretly, and not so secretly falling in love with our way of life. though it is different from most and financially uncomfortable...it is eternally blessed!
don't worry; i would not trade the time i have with my kiddos for all the spending money in the world...so please forgive my lack of cute pictures! i'll just have to make up for them with charm and wit! oops...well...i hope you just love me for me!
had to share a couple things:
mermaid: favorite books to carry to bed are her assortment of Bibles...every night she falls asleep with an open Bible in her lap...beautiful.
j-bob: has finally fallen in love with reading. he is reading everything. his favorites right now are curious george, froggy books, and this early reader series about a granpa telling anti-itch stories to his grand pup who has chicken pox.
family: OA bought Uno Attack, and we are having the best times playing this card game...even mermaid does well. i am quite sure we have played no less than 100 times since yesterday afternoon.
misc: my mom had the kiddos for an errand yesterday morning...she called to say they had done a U-turn to go to the pumpkin patch and would be a few minutes later than expected. the kiddos got to literally pick their own pumpkins off the stem...as i hung up the phone i realized how blessed i am to have a mom who is willing to pause her busy day to do a U-turn for a memory for her gi-babies. (and how much more blessed are my kiddos!)
God is good...i am drinking in this time of my life...i am quite sure it cannot get any better. my children are blossoming, and it is quite amazing observing their relationship with a real and living God unfold.
i am quite sure that OA is secretly, and not so secretly falling in love with our way of life. though it is different from most and financially uncomfortable...it is eternally blessed!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Reflections...redemption
This season of my life has included allot of reflection. It's rather odd how God uses your past to move you in your future. A word has finally taken hold of meaning...tangible meaning...in my heart: redeemed. I have always understood forgiveness and sanctification, but I am quite sure that until now I have never truly understood redemption. I guess I have always limited it...I have never struggled with God's Grace in redemption of my sin...but it never seemed to dawn on me that God can redeem more than my sin...He can redeem the sins of others that have scarred me. And by redeem I don't mean...just use for the good...I mean...REDEEM...only God's Grace and Mercy can make painful events of my past seem insignificant in light of the incredible blessings and gifts He has given me.
As I sit on my couch in front of a fire feeling exhausted from the week's demands, I sip my decaf green tea with raspberry emergen-C, and pray I am not getting sick. I feel so incredibly exhausted. Which brings me back to reflection.
By nature I do allot of reflecting, but this season of my life has been nothing much but. To prepare for my speech, I went back to the beginning of my blog entries. Oh how quickly I forget the days of anguishing over trying to figure out what's wrong with my child, to fighting and then receiving a diagnosis, to spending countless hours on the internet researching, and to only feeling connection with strangers on Yahoo forums. The diet, the supplements, the therapies, the entire year of kindergarten in public school and then Mermaid...the six months of complete hell watching her behavior escalate into a terrible frenzy spiraling out of control. And where did that leave my marriage? Lonely, isolated, bitter, exhausted, and on the back burner of priorities. We had children to fight for...who had time to fight for a marriage, too.
And where did that leave God? I think we were all clinging to Him separately...and it all finally fell back into place when I started reflecting on my past...my intimacy issues...which was kind of forced upon me by a cross-roads of sort in my marriage. Again...God's redemption...so incredible. We both decided from that day forward to bring God back into our marriage...FULLY. And once that decision had been made...God began to take me to places of reflection that I didn't think I ever needed to go...dangerous places...places my heart buried deep within. I have a story...don't we all...and some day...maybe I will share it...but for now...I simply sit...in total awe at His ability to redeem abandonment, abuse, and years of bad choices due to both.
I have lived so much of my life in fear and trembling...and for many years...for due reason...but as an adult...I still find myself looking over my shoulder...but I think I am finally moving past that. Into a new season...a season of trust...a season of redemption. If God can redeem my sins, all the more power He holds to redeem my heart.
As I sit on my couch in front of a fire feeling exhausted from the week's demands, I sip my decaf green tea with raspberry emergen-C, and pray I am not getting sick. I feel so incredibly exhausted. Which brings me back to reflection.
By nature I do allot of reflecting, but this season of my life has been nothing much but. To prepare for my speech, I went back to the beginning of my blog entries. Oh how quickly I forget the days of anguishing over trying to figure out what's wrong with my child, to fighting and then receiving a diagnosis, to spending countless hours on the internet researching, and to only feeling connection with strangers on Yahoo forums. The diet, the supplements, the therapies, the entire year of kindergarten in public school and then Mermaid...the six months of complete hell watching her behavior escalate into a terrible frenzy spiraling out of control. And where did that leave my marriage? Lonely, isolated, bitter, exhausted, and on the back burner of priorities. We had children to fight for...who had time to fight for a marriage, too.
And where did that leave God? I think we were all clinging to Him separately...and it all finally fell back into place when I started reflecting on my past...my intimacy issues...which was kind of forced upon me by a cross-roads of sort in my marriage. Again...God's redemption...so incredible. We both decided from that day forward to bring God back into our marriage...FULLY. And once that decision had been made...God began to take me to places of reflection that I didn't think I ever needed to go...dangerous places...places my heart buried deep within. I have a story...don't we all...and some day...maybe I will share it...but for now...I simply sit...in total awe at His ability to redeem abandonment, abuse, and years of bad choices due to both.
I have lived so much of my life in fear and trembling...and for many years...for due reason...but as an adult...I still find myself looking over my shoulder...but I think I am finally moving past that. Into a new season...a season of trust...a season of redemption. If God can redeem my sins, all the more power He holds to redeem my heart.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Please Pray
dum Dum DUM
Tomorrow I will be speaking as a parent's testimonial for a Sensory Processing Disorder Awareness conference. I am petrified as public speaking is not my forte. Just asking for all my faithful blog readers and dear friends to remember me around 2 pm tomorrow.
Big sigh...it is quite remarkable when you given the opportunity to be stretched and at the same time be used to be the hands and feet of God.
I so desperately need to update. My life is so full and so wonderful. I had to go back to my first blog entries to prepare for my "speech", and it was incredibly humbling for me to see how far God has brought my sweet little family.
I will try to post some pics from tomorrow if we get some! Thanks in advance for the prayers!!
Tomorrow I will be speaking as a parent's testimonial for a Sensory Processing Disorder Awareness conference. I am petrified as public speaking is not my forte. Just asking for all my faithful blog readers and dear friends to remember me around 2 pm tomorrow.
Big sigh...it is quite remarkable when you given the opportunity to be stretched and at the same time be used to be the hands and feet of God.
I so desperately need to update. My life is so full and so wonderful. I had to go back to my first blog entries to prepare for my "speech", and it was incredibly humbling for me to see how far God has brought my sweet little family.
I will try to post some pics from tomorrow if we get some! Thanks in advance for the prayers!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
husbands
I just have to take a moment. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Marriage with children requires a bit more. Marriage with a special needs child...just a bit more. And then there is marriage with a home schooling, college finishing, crazy wife who insists on learning to knit, sew, and garden at the age of 32! Well...where exactly does that leave the husband?
I can only tell you where it leaves my husband...right smack dab in the center of our hearts.
There is something about this tenth year we are nearing...I am finally "getting" it...love that is.
What did he do that was so darn special to warrant his own blog entry...the very first blog entry in a week...what was so earth rocking special that in lieu of indulging upon the much needed-illusive sleep has me choosing instead to peck away at my pc?
He did the dishes...
He did them "just because".
Just because I was coming home after the third "double play date" as J-Bob fondly refers to them...a third play date that was preceded by J-Bob's autism moment the day before of waking me at 4:30 am head banging my pillow because his beloved transformer toy would not TWANSFORWM!!! Preceded to me staying up until 1:00 AM trying to figure out my stupid anatomy and physiology and protein synthesis and stages of mitosis...ARGH...preceded to me re-vamping our school schedule and changing it all up...one gets the picture.
I was exhausted...my kiddos were exhausted...our third double playdate ended in me having a full blown mommy meltdown and leaving with the kiddos...ordering all of us to the table for immediate consumption of much needed food...and then placing everyone into a respective bed for much needed REST...but the brilliant light in this story was the reflection from not only having the dishwasher unloaded and re-loaded...but the counters were...SHINING!
He does this often...and he also keeps up with the laundry...and he also gives me insisted upon time alone...and he also works so hard for us so that we can live out my heart's desire: raising out of the box God loving kiddos...while falling in love with the man of my dreams all over again!!
Oh...and I almost never ever have to pump my own gas!! This my darlings...is how a crazy-hippie- chic ended up (happily) with a down-to-earth-jock!!
I can only tell you where it leaves my husband...right smack dab in the center of our hearts.
There is something about this tenth year we are nearing...I am finally "getting" it...love that is.
What did he do that was so darn special to warrant his own blog entry...the very first blog entry in a week...what was so earth rocking special that in lieu of indulging upon the much needed-illusive sleep has me choosing instead to peck away at my pc?
He did the dishes...
He did them "just because".
Just because I was coming home after the third "double play date" as J-Bob fondly refers to them...a third play date that was preceded by J-Bob's autism moment the day before of waking me at 4:30 am head banging my pillow because his beloved transformer toy would not TWANSFORWM!!! Preceded to me staying up until 1:00 AM trying to figure out my stupid anatomy and physiology and protein synthesis and stages of mitosis...ARGH...preceded to me re-vamping our school schedule and changing it all up...one gets the picture.
I was exhausted...my kiddos were exhausted...our third double playdate ended in me having a full blown mommy meltdown and leaving with the kiddos...ordering all of us to the table for immediate consumption of much needed food...and then placing everyone into a respective bed for much needed REST...but the brilliant light in this story was the reflection from not only having the dishwasher unloaded and re-loaded...but the counters were...SHINING!
He does this often...and he also keeps up with the laundry...and he also gives me insisted upon time alone...and he also works so hard for us so that we can live out my heart's desire: raising out of the box God loving kiddos...while falling in love with the man of my dreams all over again!!
Oh...and I almost never ever have to pump my own gas!! This my darlings...is how a crazy-hippie- chic ended up (happily) with a down-to-earth-jock!!
Monday, September 7, 2009
checking in!
hello all!
it was my dream to blog about the incredible home schooling events that are taking place daily in this house...BUT...i am sooooooooooooooo freaking busy!
i am doing school for kids, diet changes, school for me, Bible studies, family time, friend time...one gets the picture! my life is SCHEDULED to the max...and i LOVE IT!
i have never been so happy...i need to schedule a weekly blog in the mix...hmmm..note to self!
j-bob's rash is MUCH better. figured out it was a combination of too many sugar/starches in his diet, gluten cross contamination, and needing to be back on probiotics. i can say that the first week or so of fighting that yeast was very unpleasant, but my darling boy is rocking it out again! and a side benefit of no sugar/starches in this house is a reduction of 4 inches from my waist AND an even happier mermaid!
home schooling is...the biggest blessing since my husband and birth of my babies. i am enjoying every minute of it...even the tough ones. the character training and Godly hearts that are being cultivated (in the WHOLE family) is worth every less minute of alone time i could possibly dream of! it's even worth the running void that said less alone time has left in my schedule!
the kiddos, just last night, were voluntarily lying on an outstretched map trying to locate flags and countries from a prayer journal we are studying (brings awareness of other children's struggles in different countries). quite thrilling to see such genuine interest. if i do nothing right...it is my heart felt desire that these kiddos fall in love with knowledge, wisdom, and develop a deep, living relationship with our incredible Lord.
due to natural flow of the conversation, i did break it to the kiddos that there is in fact no REAL santa...mermaid grinned really big after the information set in and said: well...we still have JESUS!! j-bob wasn't sad at all, but he wondered how the presents were in the house on Christmas morning. i explained the details and his only complaint was that WE ate the COOKIES! i laughed so hard.
it is quite funny the productions we go through for the "sake of our children"...when all they care about is found in the most simplistic ways of living.
it was my dream to blog about the incredible home schooling events that are taking place daily in this house...BUT...i am sooooooooooooooo freaking busy!
i am doing school for kids, diet changes, school for me, Bible studies, family time, friend time...one gets the picture! my life is SCHEDULED to the max...and i LOVE IT!
i have never been so happy...i need to schedule a weekly blog in the mix...hmmm..note to self!
j-bob's rash is MUCH better. figured out it was a combination of too many sugar/starches in his diet, gluten cross contamination, and needing to be back on probiotics. i can say that the first week or so of fighting that yeast was very unpleasant, but my darling boy is rocking it out again! and a side benefit of no sugar/starches in this house is a reduction of 4 inches from my waist AND an even happier mermaid!
home schooling is...the biggest blessing since my husband and birth of my babies. i am enjoying every minute of it...even the tough ones. the character training and Godly hearts that are being cultivated (in the WHOLE family) is worth every less minute of alone time i could possibly dream of! it's even worth the running void that said less alone time has left in my schedule!
the kiddos, just last night, were voluntarily lying on an outstretched map trying to locate flags and countries from a prayer journal we are studying (brings awareness of other children's struggles in different countries). quite thrilling to see such genuine interest. if i do nothing right...it is my heart felt desire that these kiddos fall in love with knowledge, wisdom, and develop a deep, living relationship with our incredible Lord.
due to natural flow of the conversation, i did break it to the kiddos that there is in fact no REAL santa...mermaid grinned really big after the information set in and said: well...we still have JESUS!! j-bob wasn't sad at all, but he wondered how the presents were in the house on Christmas morning. i explained the details and his only complaint was that WE ate the COOKIES! i laughed so hard.
it is quite funny the productions we go through for the "sake of our children"...when all they care about is found in the most simplistic ways of living.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
research research research
well...this seems so simple, but i have finally put my mind around what i need to do in regard to j-bob's diet.
first we have eliminated all sugar and white starches and most grains (keeping quinao flour in back pocket as needed as i have such a sensory sensitive child). i tried to do some home made fruit and juice popsicles but they caused j-bob's rash to flare up (at least i think...he also dipped into his daddy's toothpaste, but at least it is gluten free). so we are back to the basics.
i am going to try coconut flour, but if i need to will use quinoa flour in small amounts to cover his chicken. also, i am going to make various meat "puffs" aka meat balls that have veggies grated into them. i have made a ketchup he can tolerate, and it has a small amount of honey. he also will be getting green apple, celery, carrot sticks, and tahini with a tad of honey as snack. one time a day he is allowed air popped pop corn. we shall see. this drastically reduces his starches. after 2 weeks i will slowly add other food or take away as needed. from what i am reading pear juice doesn't seem to hurt. i am going to try "popsicles" with pear juice, avocados, and coconut milk...may or may not succeed.
supplements...ahhhh...the biggie. i have started back kirkman's pro bio gold...it's a hefty probiotic. we are on 2 capsules a day (for a few weeks) to try to crowd out the bad stuff. i am going to add digestive enzymes, a butter oil/CLO oil capsule, and his daily vitamin and companion powder over the next month. these are the basics...according to all i have put together. there is literally dozens of other things he may need, but i am hoping and praying that God will let this list do most of the work. it's really quite amazing what i have been ignoring this last year. i am thankful his skin is so reactive as skin reactions are so tangible.
i am happy to go into detail or link research as needed...esp if you are interested in name brands. i will let you know some successful recipes as we find them. just know this...every single person should drastically reduce if not piratically eliminate all sugar...at least in the white form. honey, agave nectar, and raw are healthier choices, but i am learning that stevia and xylitol are even better.
first we have eliminated all sugar and white starches and most grains (keeping quinao flour in back pocket as needed as i have such a sensory sensitive child). i tried to do some home made fruit and juice popsicles but they caused j-bob's rash to flare up (at least i think...he also dipped into his daddy's toothpaste, but at least it is gluten free). so we are back to the basics.
i am going to try coconut flour, but if i need to will use quinoa flour in small amounts to cover his chicken. also, i am going to make various meat "puffs" aka meat balls that have veggies grated into them. i have made a ketchup he can tolerate, and it has a small amount of honey. he also will be getting green apple, celery, carrot sticks, and tahini with a tad of honey as snack. one time a day he is allowed air popped pop corn. we shall see. this drastically reduces his starches. after 2 weeks i will slowly add other food or take away as needed. from what i am reading pear juice doesn't seem to hurt. i am going to try "popsicles" with pear juice, avocados, and coconut milk...may or may not succeed.
supplements...ahhhh...the biggie. i have started back kirkman's pro bio gold...it's a hefty probiotic. we are on 2 capsules a day (for a few weeks) to try to crowd out the bad stuff. i am going to add digestive enzymes, a butter oil/CLO oil capsule, and his daily vitamin and companion powder over the next month. these are the basics...according to all i have put together. there is literally dozens of other things he may need, but i am hoping and praying that God will let this list do most of the work. it's really quite amazing what i have been ignoring this last year. i am thankful his skin is so reactive as skin reactions are so tangible.
i am happy to go into detail or link research as needed...esp if you are interested in name brands. i will let you know some successful recipes as we find them. just know this...every single person should drastically reduce if not piratically eliminate all sugar...at least in the white form. honey, agave nectar, and raw are healthier choices, but i am learning that stevia and xylitol are even better.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Some Good Books
i have read 10 or more books this summer.
Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller was a fantastic memoir. i have fallen in love with the way she writes! her memoir not only exposes her life but also exposes the beauty of africa yet the ugliness of war.
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver was another incredible novel about africa...well...a family in africa...it was beyond good...i also fell in love with kingsolver's ability to tell a tale!
Someone Knows My Name by Lawrence Hill was so good that i could barely put it down. something about this book gripped me immediately and spoke to my soul. it's about a little girl being ripped away from her family in africa and being brought back to US as a slave. i was even able to convince OA to read it!
i have read so many good books that i can barely express the goodness of each one, let alone remember what they were, without locating my list! i think that each summer i am going to challenge myself to complete my own summer reading program! maybe i can inspire my kiddos...mermaid already sits at the book shelf lovingly...and she is never far from a huge stack of books!
celiac disease
so i posted about jaden's rash. a dear blog reader took the time to post a comment back which has led me to really dig deep into some research again. i have run across the term dermatitis herpetiformis before when looking into jaden's rashes. i don't know why i have been so lax about his celiac genetic marker from our DAN! visit...just because his blood test came back negative (and when have i EVER needed a blood test to confirm something for me??)...which...his blood tests from the DAN! did confirm the deficiencies that are so typical for celiac disease!! sigh...we have been using all kinds of toothpastes, soaps...well...he gets special soap but we use other in the same tub without proper cleaning, hair gels from my husand's head, play dough, etc. bottom line...i have been more focused on his brain reaction to foods and less focused on his gut reaction...which...is the foundation of all the other problems.
on the same note...i have gone back and forth on my diet...allowing other's comments to allow me to believe that i am simply crazy and without a proper diagnosis i could never be celiac myself...well...all i can say is: PHOOEY on that!!
j-bob has the genetic marker from someone. i have nearly every symptom to include the most recent blood in stool (sorry, too much information) which had gone away for the first time once i started the kiddos diet! it may not be celiac disease...but there is a DEF gluten sensitivity in this house...SO...i will be combing this house for ALL THINGS SAID GLUTEN!! if nothing else, if nothing else i am hoping j-bob's skin will continue to improve AND if my monthly visitor can become more of a friend and less of a crippling painful ghost that haunts...OH BABY!!
please see kat's blog for a great introduction on celiac.
on the same note...i have gone back and forth on my diet...allowing other's comments to allow me to believe that i am simply crazy and without a proper diagnosis i could never be celiac myself...well...all i can say is: PHOOEY on that!!
j-bob has the genetic marker from someone. i have nearly every symptom to include the most recent blood in stool (sorry, too much information) which had gone away for the first time once i started the kiddos diet! it may not be celiac disease...but there is a DEF gluten sensitivity in this house...SO...i will be combing this house for ALL THINGS SAID GLUTEN!! if nothing else, if nothing else i am hoping j-bob's skin will continue to improve AND if my monthly visitor can become more of a friend and less of a crippling painful ghost that haunts...OH BABY!!
please see kat's blog for a great introduction on celiac.
Monday, August 17, 2009
splitting head ache...amazing day
oh...i have the worst head ache i have ever had. it could be from the 3 day lack of all things said: sugar.
or even psuedo-sugar...OR...it could be bc OA ran out and bought the store's worth of sugar free jello and hard candy! i don't do aspartame...but i have today...and i think it's going to kill me faster than my diet!
but i am liking this south beach life style...i wish it never had the term "diet" associated with it...as i would've given it a look sooner!! it's really an amazing detox/healthy living way of life. OA is actually eating veggies...well...sort of. i am wishing i had written down my ingredients to my "bean" dinner tonight...as they were fantastic, AND my darling husband ate all kinds of veggies (i was not allowed to tell him what was in it...HA)!!
anyhow...this may all be incoherent as my head really feels like it's in a vice grip, but i wanted to remember this day. it was our first "official" day of school. we started several weeks ago and then i decided to stop being so type A and let the precious kiddos have their last week of summer break. today was fantastic...it really was...amazing. my kids are singing their memory verses randomly...for fun...and they are remembering them, too! they are enjoying learning...i am enjoying watching them learn. it's all so surreal. really. and then the friends we have and are making in this process is just...a God send. we met said friends at the "duck" pond close to our house. the kiddos got to feed the ducks...actually only two ducks and a gaggle of geese...did you know geese hissed when scared/irritated? well...you do now!
we followed up the feeding of ducks with a walk to the park area...and followed that up with a lego play date for the boys in j-bob's room...mermaid was in rarest of rare forms...very very talkative and extremely un-shy!
i need to post our new diet regime for the kiddos...but needless to say...with the exception of the gfcfsf turkey dogs (that have chemicals...argh...only bc i cannot afford the others) she hasn't had one single chemical in her precious little body. i checked my feingold diet list, and she's pretty much on feingold stage one except those turkey dogs...she did have a head ache this am...and she ate curry chicken last night which had bell peppers and spices that aren't allowed in feingold stage one due to their being high in salicylates...and i am curious to see if she has another head ache in the am...as our meal had several spices not allowed in stage one. ALSO, thanks to a dear blog reader i may have figured out j-bob's rash...we are combing the house/current food items for hidden sources of gluten...i have also pulled alot of his "comfort" starch/sugar foods...and started him back on his probiotic. his skin is considerably better and his eye contact is coming back...alot less crying spells...but really that doesn't make sense as i would expect the yeast die off would cause a worse-before-better kind of reaction. i doubled his probiotic tonight...we shall see what tomorrow holds...maybe it's been hidden gluten this whole time? and maybe it was cross contamination from his beloved: ruffles...aka...stripey chips!
ok...enough rambling...sorry...tonight's post was more for me than anything...helps me sort out my thoughts to see them...thank you for indulging my head-ache-induced-rambling!!
or even psuedo-sugar...OR...it could be bc OA ran out and bought the store's worth of sugar free jello and hard candy! i don't do aspartame...but i have today...and i think it's going to kill me faster than my diet!
but i am liking this south beach life style...i wish it never had the term "diet" associated with it...as i would've given it a look sooner!! it's really an amazing detox/healthy living way of life. OA is actually eating veggies...well...sort of. i am wishing i had written down my ingredients to my "bean" dinner tonight...as they were fantastic, AND my darling husband ate all kinds of veggies (i was not allowed to tell him what was in it...HA)!!
anyhow...this may all be incoherent as my head really feels like it's in a vice grip, but i wanted to remember this day. it was our first "official" day of school. we started several weeks ago and then i decided to stop being so type A and let the precious kiddos have their last week of summer break. today was fantastic...it really was...amazing. my kids are singing their memory verses randomly...for fun...and they are remembering them, too! they are enjoying learning...i am enjoying watching them learn. it's all so surreal. really. and then the friends we have and are making in this process is just...a God send. we met said friends at the "duck" pond close to our house. the kiddos got to feed the ducks...actually only two ducks and a gaggle of geese...did you know geese hissed when scared/irritated? well...you do now!
we followed up the feeding of ducks with a walk to the park area...and followed that up with a lego play date for the boys in j-bob's room...mermaid was in rarest of rare forms...very very talkative and extremely un-shy!
i need to post our new diet regime for the kiddos...but needless to say...with the exception of the gfcfsf turkey dogs (that have chemicals...argh...only bc i cannot afford the others) she hasn't had one single chemical in her precious little body. i checked my feingold diet list, and she's pretty much on feingold stage one except those turkey dogs...she did have a head ache this am...and she ate curry chicken last night which had bell peppers and spices that aren't allowed in feingold stage one due to their being high in salicylates...and i am curious to see if she has another head ache in the am...as our meal had several spices not allowed in stage one. ALSO, thanks to a dear blog reader i may have figured out j-bob's rash...we are combing the house/current food items for hidden sources of gluten...i have also pulled alot of his "comfort" starch/sugar foods...and started him back on his probiotic. his skin is considerably better and his eye contact is coming back...alot less crying spells...but really that doesn't make sense as i would expect the yeast die off would cause a worse-before-better kind of reaction. i doubled his probiotic tonight...we shall see what tomorrow holds...maybe it's been hidden gluten this whole time? and maybe it was cross contamination from his beloved: ruffles...aka...stripey chips!
ok...enough rambling...sorry...tonight's post was more for me than anything...helps me sort out my thoughts to see them...thank you for indulging my head-ache-induced-rambling!!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
R.I.P. "frig-ity" the frog
deep sigh...i lost a frog...the first to grow all four legs...i fondly referred to him as: frig-ity.
i was much more distraught over this find than the kiddos.
we still have 3 tadpoles...one of which is sprouting his second set of legs...i am wondering if i should have supplied some crickets or something...which...i am not sure if i am capable of doing?
anyhow.
my darling son has had some regression issues...i have been trying to ignore them all summer. it started with this wicked rash which has grown into wicked sores...it's terrible. it has culminated with his weepiness, lack of eye contact, peripheral stemming, need of mommy as an anchor, etc. i initially thought he was just really loving me...as he started needing me to hold him more...but i have noticed that he is needing more than cuddles...he is using my arms to squeeze him (sensory input), my hands to bang.bang.bang. (more sensory input), my body as a trampoline (even more sensory input). he is hiding under covers in tears...red cheeked and splotchy faced...his eyes have dark circles. i cannot deny...my son is regressing.
just one month ago i commented: he is as recovered as he needs to be.
wrong.
the funny thing...the human body...it's fragile...and what seems like a summer of fun and innocent indulgence has led up to: regression.
but my God is big...bigger than autism. and my son is in there...and he isn't trapped...and i'll be damned if he becomes that way due to my laziness!
that being said...we start a very strict diet tomorrow. south beach stage one for the grown ups...and little to no un-necessary carbs and NO SUGAR for the kiddos...we will all be miserable for the sake of healing...but in one to two weeks...i am betting we feel better than ever!!!
oh, gotta go...the doorbell is ringing...it's the pizza delivery man!! HAHA...OA and i are having a farewell party to carbs and crappy eating!! *sheepish grinning sigh*
i was much more distraught over this find than the kiddos.
we still have 3 tadpoles...one of which is sprouting his second set of legs...i am wondering if i should have supplied some crickets or something...which...i am not sure if i am capable of doing?
anyhow.
my darling son has had some regression issues...i have been trying to ignore them all summer. it started with this wicked rash which has grown into wicked sores...it's terrible. it has culminated with his weepiness, lack of eye contact, peripheral stemming, need of mommy as an anchor, etc. i initially thought he was just really loving me...as he started needing me to hold him more...but i have noticed that he is needing more than cuddles...he is using my arms to squeeze him (sensory input), my hands to bang.bang.bang. (more sensory input), my body as a trampoline (even more sensory input). he is hiding under covers in tears...red cheeked and splotchy faced...his eyes have dark circles. i cannot deny...my son is regressing.
just one month ago i commented: he is as recovered as he needs to be.
wrong.
the funny thing...the human body...it's fragile...and what seems like a summer of fun and innocent indulgence has led up to: regression.
but my God is big...bigger than autism. and my son is in there...and he isn't trapped...and i'll be damned if he becomes that way due to my laziness!
that being said...we start a very strict diet tomorrow. south beach stage one for the grown ups...and little to no un-necessary carbs and NO SUGAR for the kiddos...we will all be miserable for the sake of healing...but in one to two weeks...i am betting we feel better than ever!!!
oh, gotta go...the doorbell is ringing...it's the pizza delivery man!! HAHA...OA and i are having a farewell party to carbs and crappy eating!! *sheepish grinning sigh*
Sunday, August 9, 2009
nothing like God fueled determination!
sorry this is a repeat if you read our running blog...
ok...first of all...i needed last night more than i realized. i love my sistah living in conway simply bc it affords more time with her beloved kiddos...but i didn't realize what a hole it has left in my running shoes/heart!!
i have begun homeschooling, and my husband works crazy hours...which has left my running and healthy eating sitting on the side of the road waving at me for several weeks.
last night sole sistah came over with the indians...our children had sooooo much fun...there was very little girl time to be had between the running sistahs...but the two mamas in us were smiling over our half-spoken-constantly-interrupted-pseudo-conversations while we soaked up our kiddos happiness via osmosis...and did i mention there was vegan gumbo??
SO...not only did i drink my 80 oz of water and eat my healthy running fuel, i also spent QT with my sole sistah...whom i have missed dearly.
this morning i woke refreshed...i wanted to go to church...but my dear hubby has worked late everday this week, and i knew that he would be incoherent for most of it...rather than be irritated by the situation...i decided to do my devotional and go for a much needed run which is usually my best time of worship anyhow! my mind told me: I WILL DO 8 MILES...IF IT KILLED ME...and then i prayed for God to bless me with the ability to accomplish this goal.
long story short...i ran (sprinting the last 1/4 mile) for 80 mins...got home...mapmyrun'd my distance...WHAT?! are you KIDDING ME?? 6.5 miles?? seriously...not even 7?? so i took a deep breath...downed some much needed water...had my kids rub me for good luck...and headed out the door to finish my 8. i felt like i was running under water...my whole body hurt...but God is good and a nice fog settled over me so that it felt like i was being gently kissed by a cloud.
i did 2 miles...i am embarrassed to say it took 26 mins...but...that's the truth...came in...re-mapped it...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? i had messed up the first time...and ended up running 8.9 miles...HAHAHA!! hooray. i had many epiphanies...i am worried this post is too long to list any...but hey...as it stands...i am currently only a feature writer on this blog of ours!
my biggest epiphany was this: forgiveness comes easier to me than trust...i have been working thru this for a while...actually...since God blessed me with my dearest sistah. our runs...led me to the heart (literally) of my "issues"...i desperately love my husband...another epiphany on a past run...but today i realized that it is God's job to tear down the walls of our heart...not ours...not our spouses...not the people in our past who hurt us...simply God's...but after He tears them down...it is our job to let Him keep us from re-building them...because just one brick a day or a week can add up pretty quickly. it's been almost 10 years of marriage for me to fully embrace the fact that my husband loves me...dearly...and he isn't going to abandon me...ever. it has taken nearly 10 years for me to realize that he loves me intensely just because i am me...and he likes me just the way i am...it's all so simple...isn't love supposed to be much more complex than that? i don't think so! just like a few simple slower steps of walking within a long run balances the muscles nicely...some more ying to the yang...life isn't meant to be a task we accomplish...rather...to be a journey we slowly enjoy. as believers...we already know the ending...so why not celebrate the middle!?
and believe it or not...marriage...love...motherhood...friendship...and running...these are all things that may be tough...but can still be thoroughly enjoyed!!
ok...first of all...i needed last night more than i realized. i love my sistah living in conway simply bc it affords more time with her beloved kiddos...but i didn't realize what a hole it has left in my running shoes/heart!!
i have begun homeschooling, and my husband works crazy hours...which has left my running and healthy eating sitting on the side of the road waving at me for several weeks.
last night sole sistah came over with the indians...our children had sooooo much fun...there was very little girl time to be had between the running sistahs...but the two mamas in us were smiling over our half-spoken-constantly-interrupted-pseudo-conversations while we soaked up our kiddos happiness via osmosis...and did i mention there was vegan gumbo??
SO...not only did i drink my 80 oz of water and eat my healthy running fuel, i also spent QT with my sole sistah...whom i have missed dearly.
this morning i woke refreshed...i wanted to go to church...but my dear hubby has worked late everday this week, and i knew that he would be incoherent for most of it...rather than be irritated by the situation...i decided to do my devotional and go for a much needed run which is usually my best time of worship anyhow! my mind told me: I WILL DO 8 MILES...IF IT KILLED ME...and then i prayed for God to bless me with the ability to accomplish this goal.
long story short...i ran (sprinting the last 1/4 mile) for 80 mins...got home...mapmyrun'd my distance...WHAT?! are you KIDDING ME?? 6.5 miles?? seriously...not even 7?? so i took a deep breath...downed some much needed water...had my kids rub me for good luck...and headed out the door to finish my 8. i felt like i was running under water...my whole body hurt...but God is good and a nice fog settled over me so that it felt like i was being gently kissed by a cloud.
i did 2 miles...i am embarrassed to say it took 26 mins...but...that's the truth...came in...re-mapped it...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? i had messed up the first time...and ended up running 8.9 miles...HAHAHA!! hooray. i had many epiphanies...i am worried this post is too long to list any...but hey...as it stands...i am currently only a feature writer on this blog of ours!
my biggest epiphany was this: forgiveness comes easier to me than trust...i have been working thru this for a while...actually...since God blessed me with my dearest sistah. our runs...led me to the heart (literally) of my "issues"...i desperately love my husband...another epiphany on a past run...but today i realized that it is God's job to tear down the walls of our heart...not ours...not our spouses...not the people in our past who hurt us...simply God's...but after He tears them down...it is our job to let Him keep us from re-building them...because just one brick a day or a week can add up pretty quickly. it's been almost 10 years of marriage for me to fully embrace the fact that my husband loves me...dearly...and he isn't going to abandon me...ever. it has taken nearly 10 years for me to realize that he loves me intensely just because i am me...and he likes me just the way i am...it's all so simple...isn't love supposed to be much more complex than that? i don't think so! just like a few simple slower steps of walking within a long run balances the muscles nicely...some more ying to the yang...life isn't meant to be a task we accomplish...rather...to be a journey we slowly enjoy. as believers...we already know the ending...so why not celebrate the middle!?
and believe it or not...marriage...love...motherhood...friendship...and running...these are all things that may be tough...but can still be thoroughly enjoyed!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
tadpoles and food cravings
today we met our home school social group at the local park. it was instantly wonderful. it ended with some of the children wading through the small creek and collecting tadpoles in my coffee mug! we borrowed my mom's aquarium that has been absent of life for several months. my hippie skirt was privy to old fish juice, creek water, tadpole sloshing, and mud...i was as much in Heaven as the kiddos! we gathered some rocks and greenery from the creek and purchased some spring water. j-bob's room is home to our latest additions. i cannot remember what the kiddos named them...but i seem to recall they were all star wars related! i am thinking we have four little tadpoles...here's to our first exciting science lab!! i am trying to follow Charlotte Mason's philosophy of education...that's for an entirely different blog post...i HIGHLY recommend anyone with children to read: For the Children's Sake. it was incredible and has given me words to the lifestyle i dream of...well...besides homesteading or mission work in africa...anyhoo...i haven't been running...OH...and did i mention that i have two...yes...TWO...half marathons back to back in oct. GEEZ...how do i get myself into these things. if i survive those...i plan to run my first full marathon in dec. we shall see...right now i can barely pull off 3 successful miles. it is quite possibly the fact that i am eating my weight's worth of...anything starchy...sugary...junkish...my fridge is spilling over with fruits and veggies...and all i can dream of is spicy curry and delectable cheese dip...what is WRONG WITH ME!!?? i have even allowed my children to eat skittles...several times...and i do mean several...this summer. my evil friend: red40 aka "the devil"...yes...those adorable rainbow colored fruity flavored circles are gfcfsf but NOT free of dyes...sigh. i can only be so perfect. i plan to start a detox...soon. i have gone far out of control...speaking of out of control...has anyone tried the new snickers dark:
AYE AYE AYE!! how's a granola supposed to heal her body....when such temptations flirt with me at the grocery aisle checkout!?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
so sorry!! massive catch up post!
ok...every night i get the kiddos settled, flip on the pc, research curriculum, and then nod off to sleep. i dream of blogging...remember how life used to be way back when autism was my only worry! HA
don't let me fool you...I AM IN HEAVEN! we started our school by choice a few weeks ago. i wanted to have it "down" before i added in my on-line classes. i will confess...i am a bit nervous about my stress level when i add in those classes! BUT...i believe God will get me through it all.
i can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family has been called to home schooling. it fits, it works, it is so much fun. i have yet to throw myself across the bed and scream into the covers...so...we shall see!! i think it's easier for us because we are a family that doesn't like...deadlines? or more like...agendas...we just like to flow with life. don't get me wrong, i am very focused on our routine and accomplishing our goals...just not forcefully!
so blah blah blah...i shall have more to post...i promise to work blogging back into my routine. it is essential as it is my only "baby book"...i secretly covet/hate all of you gifted scrappers...!
update on j-bob's diet...he has done fantastic this summer. we have back-slidden a bit the last month, and it reflects in his unwillingness to eat the new foods. though, i have phased him into "baked" chicken nuggets as opposed to "fried"! that's a huge step. i have been terrible about supplements. it's more of a money thing. denial is so wonderful. but he is doing so well that sometimes i just try to think it's not that important. lately i have been convicted that i need to get back on my biomedical bandwagon. that wagon usually leaves me with bags under my eyes and hooked up to a coffee drip as i stop sleeping from so much research. i describe it as going under and then coming up for air...i have been up for air for several months now...time to dig deep again.
speaking of coming up for air...i hope my next post will be a list of all the books that i have read this summer. it has been an amazing thing...reading for pleasure!! kindof like when your kids are older, and you finally feel pretty again (relatively speaking anyway) and have sex for pleasure (with your spouse...mind you!!) instead of "because it's the wifely thing to do!". feels so...indulgent...reading that is! i need to make a list. i have many great reads to recommend!!
i have so many running epiphanies, thoughts to share, secrets to divulge...i am making breakthroughs from my past...i guess one could say this last month has been truly revealing...i am very excited about what God has for my present. i hope that i have the courage to share it all with you...my dearest blog readers. this blog saw me through one of the toughest...loneliest times of my life...i hope that i can be as dedicated and open as i step into a new phase. the phase of hope and trust. we shall see....we shall see.
don't let me fool you...I AM IN HEAVEN! we started our school by choice a few weeks ago. i wanted to have it "down" before i added in my on-line classes. i will confess...i am a bit nervous about my stress level when i add in those classes! BUT...i believe God will get me through it all.
i can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family has been called to home schooling. it fits, it works, it is so much fun. i have yet to throw myself across the bed and scream into the covers...so...we shall see!! i think it's easier for us because we are a family that doesn't like...deadlines? or more like...agendas...we just like to flow with life. don't get me wrong, i am very focused on our routine and accomplishing our goals...just not forcefully!
so blah blah blah...i shall have more to post...i promise to work blogging back into my routine. it is essential as it is my only "baby book"...i secretly covet/hate all of you gifted scrappers...!
update on j-bob's diet...he has done fantastic this summer. we have back-slidden a bit the last month, and it reflects in his unwillingness to eat the new foods. though, i have phased him into "baked" chicken nuggets as opposed to "fried"! that's a huge step. i have been terrible about supplements. it's more of a money thing. denial is so wonderful. but he is doing so well that sometimes i just try to think it's not that important. lately i have been convicted that i need to get back on my biomedical bandwagon. that wagon usually leaves me with bags under my eyes and hooked up to a coffee drip as i stop sleeping from so much research. i describe it as going under and then coming up for air...i have been up for air for several months now...time to dig deep again.
speaking of coming up for air...i hope my next post will be a list of all the books that i have read this summer. it has been an amazing thing...reading for pleasure!! kindof like when your kids are older, and you finally feel pretty again (relatively speaking anyway) and have sex for pleasure (with your spouse...mind you!!) instead of "because it's the wifely thing to do!". feels so...indulgent...reading that is! i need to make a list. i have many great reads to recommend!!
i have so many running epiphanies, thoughts to share, secrets to divulge...i am making breakthroughs from my past...i guess one could say this last month has been truly revealing...i am very excited about what God has for my present. i hope that i have the courage to share it all with you...my dearest blog readers. this blog saw me through one of the toughest...loneliest times of my life...i hope that i can be as dedicated and open as i step into a new phase. the phase of hope and trust. we shall see....we shall see.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
true thoughts of a person who hasn't run in forever!
just a few thoughts that actually passed my thru my mind on my run today...i will warn all...i am with hormones!
i started my run cursing myself for forgetting to buy tampons at three different stores yesterday...prayed that what i had would suffice...or i was going to be like that chic who won the marathon and started her period half way through...which...i must say...ROCKS...!
then my thoughts went to a dear friend who has likened me to a drug...she says that i make people feel better...and tonight i figured i was more like a black hole...ready to suck the life out of anyone who got near.
then i realized that having such a "gregarious" personality can be...exhausting...and dang it...who is my drug???
then i imagined a married couple driving by me and the wife saying, "dear, isn't that the girl we see running all of the time?" his reply, "why, yes, yes it is!" she says, "darling, isn't she getting...ummm...FATTER!?" and he nods his head in dismay and agrees.
then i thought of sistah...i cursed her for being so freaking healthy...always eating properly (i have inhaled candy bars and msg chips this week...my goodness...bad eating is so tasty)...i dreamed of throwing my shoe at her 7 mile running arse and then running over her with her bike...i was laughing in my head at this point...as we all know i love her dearly...but DANG...she was making me feel inadequate...then i felt God tap me on the shoulder and say: she'd probably give anything to throw one of your kids at you and then run over you with your hot sexy husband...(bitter divorce and has to split time with kiddos up in weeks) so i quickly apologized to sistah and God and said a prayer for her instead.
then my thoughts started looking up...half way through the run...i realized...i am ENJOYING this again!! not only was i enjoying it...i was actually running faster...away from negative thought girl...towards...happy again...drug induced feeling girl...i like being people's drug. it's a gift that God has given me...but when i feel really empty...i need to learn to ask to be filled back up...and only expect God to be the one to do so.
and then i thought of the jones's...how sad i was for those trying to keep up with them...how the jones's really just needed to downsize their house...get rid of half the sheee-crap they own...and just try to keep up with me!
because at the end of this run...all i can do is think of my precious son and the way he dances to the last song on my playlist: that's not my name.
and as i sprinted up the pseudo-hill near my house, i thanked God for the times that i can run...and the friend's and family that i am surrounded with...and the fact that i need to focus on each blessing that i have been given and stop worrying that i am probably the slowest runner in the world...who secretly loves to eat junk food...who has to remain a closet vegan that eats meat with her family everyday.
but mostly that at the end of every run...it is the closest i feel to God...and that...is all i need.
i started my run cursing myself for forgetting to buy tampons at three different stores yesterday...prayed that what i had would suffice...or i was going to be like that chic who won the marathon and started her period half way through...which...i must say...ROCKS...!
then my thoughts went to a dear friend who has likened me to a drug...she says that i make people feel better...and tonight i figured i was more like a black hole...ready to suck the life out of anyone who got near.
then i realized that having such a "gregarious" personality can be...exhausting...and dang it...who is my drug???
then i imagined a married couple driving by me and the wife saying, "dear, isn't that the girl we see running all of the time?" his reply, "why, yes, yes it is!" she says, "darling, isn't she getting...ummm...FATTER!?" and he nods his head in dismay and agrees.
then i thought of sistah...i cursed her for being so freaking healthy...always eating properly (i have inhaled candy bars and msg chips this week...my goodness...bad eating is so tasty)...i dreamed of throwing my shoe at her 7 mile running arse and then running over her with her bike...i was laughing in my head at this point...as we all know i love her dearly...but DANG...she was making me feel inadequate...then i felt God tap me on the shoulder and say: she'd probably give anything to throw one of your kids at you and then run over you with your hot sexy husband...(bitter divorce and has to split time with kiddos up in weeks) so i quickly apologized to sistah and God and said a prayer for her instead.
then my thoughts started looking up...half way through the run...i realized...i am ENJOYING this again!! not only was i enjoying it...i was actually running faster...away from negative thought girl...towards...happy again...drug induced feeling girl...i like being people's drug. it's a gift that God has given me...but when i feel really empty...i need to learn to ask to be filled back up...and only expect God to be the one to do so.
and then i thought of the jones's...how sad i was for those trying to keep up with them...how the jones's really just needed to downsize their house...get rid of half the sheee-crap they own...and just try to keep up with me!
because at the end of this run...all i can do is think of my precious son and the way he dances to the last song on my playlist: that's not my name.
and as i sprinted up the pseudo-hill near my house, i thanked God for the times that i can run...and the friend's and family that i am surrounded with...and the fact that i need to focus on each blessing that i have been given and stop worrying that i am probably the slowest runner in the world...who secretly loves to eat junk food...who has to remain a closet vegan that eats meat with her family everyday.
but mostly that at the end of every run...it is the closest i feel to God...and that...is all i need.
Friday, July 10, 2009
listening to God...brown paper bag
so...i am realizing more and more...how i have only been half listening to God for many years now...probably because the cries and screams of infants and toddlers coupled with the extreme lack of sleep...drowned out most every one's voice. i will never forget sitting (more like-slumping over) a table at a woman's conference after having j-bob. we were supposed to "get to know" each other. the other ladies were dressed nicely, fresh make-up, smiles. i was still wearing yesterday's clothes in which i had slept in...probably had make-up from the following week smudged here and there...and my face was far from smiling a real smile. i just wanted: SLEEP. this sweet unsuspecting lady turned and looked at me went on and on about how often she did devotionals and which ones she did...
then asked: so where/when do you do your devotionals?? (insert her big perky well intentioned grin)
me: (insert my guilt-ridden-blushing-shocked-face)...ummm...on the toilet...?
i mean really moms...there are seasons in our life...and my good friend who happened to also be the wife of a preacher...my preacher...well...he is far from a "preacher"...more like an amazing teacher of the Word...ANYHOW...i confided to her one morning that i was failing miserably as a mom because i never read my Bible. she looked at me with the kindest eyes and reminded me to stop worrying...spend as much time with God as i could...and that doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a "scheduled" devotional...
today...i get what she was saying. those early years (and here is where the brown paper bag comes in...for me to breathe in...because...I AM PAST THOSE YEARS...BIGGEST-SOB-SIGH-SNOT-BUBBLE-SOB...and onto a new season with my kiddos) i learned more about the Heart and Grace and Mercy of God than i have my entire life. being a mom is exhausting...takes you to the brink...and then some...and without God...would have left me sucking my thumb in the fetal position with the covers pulled up over my head.
but because of God...i have been shown so much about what unconditional love, patience, prayer, faith, and trust really and truly look like. i am pretty sure all of those things are personified in the heart and eyes of my precious kiddos. and because of those precious kiddos...and the daddy i have lusted, loved, hated, cursed, loved, and once again lusted (yes marriage is a whole separate blog!), the most amazing daddy i have ever seen...working together through all things said: family.
if you are a new mom...hold tight to these years...you will soon miss sleepless nights...crying with your infant bc you cannot soothe them...diapers...BREASTFEEDING...the way those precious angels latch on...and you...YOU...are giving them all they need to survive...it's so incredible...being a mom...and as much as i desperately cherish those memories...i am excited about (yet brown bag is still close by) what God has for this season. the season of questions, recovery, personality, and learning.
*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh
then asked: so where/when do you do your devotionals?? (insert her big perky well intentioned grin)
me: (insert my guilt-ridden-blushing-shocked-face)...ummm...on the toilet...?
i mean really moms...there are seasons in our life...and my good friend who happened to also be the wife of a preacher...my preacher...well...he is far from a "preacher"...more like an amazing teacher of the Word...ANYHOW...i confided to her one morning that i was failing miserably as a mom because i never read my Bible. she looked at me with the kindest eyes and reminded me to stop worrying...spend as much time with God as i could...and that doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a "scheduled" devotional...
today...i get what she was saying. those early years (and here is where the brown paper bag comes in...for me to breathe in...because...I AM PAST THOSE YEARS...BIGGEST-SOB-SIGH-SNOT-BUBBLE-SOB...and onto a new season with my kiddos) i learned more about the Heart and Grace and Mercy of God than i have my entire life. being a mom is exhausting...takes you to the brink...and then some...and without God...would have left me sucking my thumb in the fetal position with the covers pulled up over my head.
but because of God...i have been shown so much about what unconditional love, patience, prayer, faith, and trust really and truly look like. i am pretty sure all of those things are personified in the heart and eyes of my precious kiddos. and because of those precious kiddos...and the daddy i have lusted, loved, hated, cursed, loved, and once again lusted (yes marriage is a whole separate blog!), the most amazing daddy i have ever seen...working together through all things said: family.
if you are a new mom...hold tight to these years...you will soon miss sleepless nights...crying with your infant bc you cannot soothe them...diapers...BREASTFEEDING...the way those precious angels latch on...and you...YOU...are giving them all they need to survive...it's so incredible...being a mom...and as much as i desperately cherish those memories...i am excited about (yet brown bag is still close by) what God has for this season. the season of questions, recovery, personality, and learning.
*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh
Monday, July 6, 2009
have i told all but my dear blog readers???
ummm...NO...i am not pregnant!!
BUT...OA has agreed to let me home school for a trial year. it is something i have dreamed of since before j-bob was born. the desire comes and goes. last year i felt i "had to" because of j-man's issues (but God said NO)...but this year...i simply "get to" bc...that little boy is as recovered as he needs to be...
i am not going to stop helping him along, and i will never stop researching.
BUT...i am satisfied. i love his quirkiness. i only pray God honors the quirky behavior, exceptionally innocent heart, and protects him from evil people.
so back to home schooling (HS)...i felt God tugging again...i began praying...enlisted all of my HS praying moms...and way before i ever expected...OA agreed!!!???
i am going to change my major and finish my degree online in Health Science Education and Promotion. quite fitting actually...only irritated that i did not change it sooner...my major change request sheet is rather embarrassing...but this just feels right. i have invested too much time and money not to finish...and am trusting in God that i will be able to use it, without having to stop homeschooling!!
we have had a rockin summer! it's already flying by too fast. i am reading some books about charlotte mason...if you have never read about her...do so...even if you don't teach or home school...specifically i am reading: For The Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.
that's about it for now...too much to read...but you can now expect this to be a site of biomedical, gardening, gfcfsf...etc etc free, running, AND home schooling!!!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
from my running blog...
i have been so busy...i am running...consistently...just not blogging...consistently.
i love running in the heat...the amount of sweat that pours off my body is liberating! i am tempted to be a real feminist and demand the right to run without a shirt...but after nursing two babies...i will sit on that a bit longer...don't wanna be slapped in the face with my own body parts while running!
this post is more something that's worked itself out in between church and runs...
well...i still cannot find the words...they come during worship...which happens during church and runs...HA...and they leave my mind when i finally have the opportunity to pour them into cyberspace...
it's mostly about love, tragedy, fear, hope, and deliverance.
don't ask me how...but through running...i have finally learned how to make love, conquer fears, overcome tragedy, hope to hope, and have found eternal deliverance...my runs...are more than lacing up my sneakers...God uses the time of running to untie the very tightest of knots hidden deep in my heart. i am so thankful for His Grace...and Love...and creation of movement...that what He puts in motion...no man can stop!
i love running in the heat...the amount of sweat that pours off my body is liberating! i am tempted to be a real feminist and demand the right to run without a shirt...but after nursing two babies...i will sit on that a bit longer...don't wanna be slapped in the face with my own body parts while running!
this post is more something that's worked itself out in between church and runs...
well...i still cannot find the words...they come during worship...which happens during church and runs...HA...and they leave my mind when i finally have the opportunity to pour them into cyberspace...
it's mostly about love, tragedy, fear, hope, and deliverance.
don't ask me how...but through running...i have finally learned how to make love, conquer fears, overcome tragedy, hope to hope, and have found eternal deliverance...my runs...are more than lacing up my sneakers...God uses the time of running to untie the very tightest of knots hidden deep in my heart. i am so thankful for His Grace...and Love...and creation of movement...that what He puts in motion...no man can stop!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
can i have some celery, PLEASE??
that's what my SON said this morning!!?? he loves celery!! the changes in this house this summer have been incredible!
miraculous...blessed.
we eat 3 meals at the table (i think that in and of itself is a huge reason he-we all is-are doing better).
i am cooking all kinds of things for the whole family, and we have established that he must take 6 bites of whatever i present each meal in order to earn his BIG TOY at the end of the summer.
there is no battle. the rules are clear. it's his choice to earn a happy face or not. the happy faces add up!! (NOTE: those with kiddos who have serious sensory issues...this has been a solid year of desensitizing!! this is NOT a first step!! the first step is to remove all pressure!)
mermaid has been HAPPY in the mornings!!
oh, did i mention that i have slept through the night for over a week...OVER A WEEK...for the first time in six years!!?? God is slapping me with good stuff...and i am loving it!
my mini-boot-camp-home-school started this week. i am watching 2 kiddos (exact age and gender of my kiddos!!) for a friend who just got a job. it's working out nicely, and it will be good to make some side money!! but it is keeping me very busy!! will try to post some summer pics tomorrow!
OH...and i have had great success with my menu for the week...i will try to post that, also!
miraculous...blessed.
we eat 3 meals at the table (i think that in and of itself is a huge reason he-we all is-are doing better).
i am cooking all kinds of things for the whole family, and we have established that he must take 6 bites of whatever i present each meal in order to earn his BIG TOY at the end of the summer.
there is no battle. the rules are clear. it's his choice to earn a happy face or not. the happy faces add up!! (NOTE: those with kiddos who have serious sensory issues...this has been a solid year of desensitizing!! this is NOT a first step!! the first step is to remove all pressure!)
mermaid has been HAPPY in the mornings!!
oh, did i mention that i have slept through the night for over a week...OVER A WEEK...for the first time in six years!!?? God is slapping me with good stuff...and i am loving it!
my mini-boot-camp-home-school started this week. i am watching 2 kiddos (exact age and gender of my kiddos!!) for a friend who just got a job. it's working out nicely, and it will be good to make some side money!! but it is keeping me very busy!! will try to post some summer pics tomorrow!
OH...and i have had great success with my menu for the week...i will try to post that, also!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
the amazing adventures of dietgirl
my friend loaned the book: the amazing adventures of dietgirl to me.
it was a great read...i recommend it to ANYONE who has ever struggled with their body image/weight. it's fantastic insight to the thoughts we torture ourselves with...we who hate our bodies.
i have decided that tonight...i am laying to rest my horrible thoughts of my body...i have yet to purchase a swimming suit and take my darling kiddos to the pool...beyond my backyard kiddie pool. it doesn't help that i have been running for almost a year...and am still at the same weight i started???? but it's not about the number on the scale...haven't i blogged this before? what's my problem?
my problem is lack of self-discipline and consistency. i am an extremest. i am extremely devoted or extremely back-slidden. this personality flaw seeps into every area of my life. for once, i am living a balanced life. my house is mostly clean, my dinners have been primarily healthy and home cooked, my Bible has actually been read, we have had family devotionals almost everyday for over a week, our budget is actually...mostly on paper!!, OA and i are clicking, i am trusting that he loves me...that i am love-able...and even bigger...i am trusting that i love him! it's downright scary...balance.
but my family is flourishing...obtaining balance is far more rewarding than my magical number on the scale (which...i must brag...i almost never weigh anymore!!)...stupid scales...tonight...i am forcing myself to admit: i love how strong i feel when i run. i love the way the salty sweat stings my eyes causing me to have to do a weird-finger-flick-eye-squint movement during my run. i owe it to my body to cherish its ability to carry me onward...instead of constantly cursing its imperfections...do i want to lose my upper-bum? yes...but in due time darlings...in due time...right now...i'd just like to celebrate that i have considerably less bum cheeks than 2 years ago!! along with the opportunity of savoring every single minute of each and every moment!
it was a great read...i recommend it to ANYONE who has ever struggled with their body image/weight. it's fantastic insight to the thoughts we torture ourselves with...we who hate our bodies.
i have decided that tonight...i am laying to rest my horrible thoughts of my body...i have yet to purchase a swimming suit and take my darling kiddos to the pool...beyond my backyard kiddie pool. it doesn't help that i have been running for almost a year...and am still at the same weight i started???? but it's not about the number on the scale...haven't i blogged this before? what's my problem?
my problem is lack of self-discipline and consistency. i am an extremest. i am extremely devoted or extremely back-slidden. this personality flaw seeps into every area of my life. for once, i am living a balanced life. my house is mostly clean, my dinners have been primarily healthy and home cooked, my Bible has actually been read, we have had family devotionals almost everyday for over a week, our budget is actually...mostly on paper!!, OA and i are clicking, i am trusting that he loves me...that i am love-able...and even bigger...i am trusting that i love him! it's downright scary...balance.
but my family is flourishing...obtaining balance is far more rewarding than my magical number on the scale (which...i must brag...i almost never weigh anymore!!)...stupid scales...tonight...i am forcing myself to admit: i love how strong i feel when i run. i love the way the salty sweat stings my eyes causing me to have to do a weird-finger-flick-eye-squint movement during my run. i owe it to my body to cherish its ability to carry me onward...instead of constantly cursing its imperfections...do i want to lose my upper-bum? yes...but in due time darlings...in due time...right now...i'd just like to celebrate that i have considerably less bum cheeks than 2 years ago!! along with the opportunity of savoring every single minute of each and every moment!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
scones, blueberries, watermelon...OH MY!
this morning i made chocolate chip scones via bob's red mill's sorghum flour package. the recipe called for currants, but i subbed choc chips. they were pretty good. i am excited to tweak it with some more fillers.
j-bob and mermaid both turned their noses up at first...stinkers...but i got creative...did some silly voice and gave the food personality...yep...we played with our food...but when it was all said and done...mermaid had almost cleared her entire plate, and j-bob had eaten over half his scone, one blueberry (only gagged once), and two bites of watermelon!!
that ladies and gentlemen, is a miracle (and yes...God can send you hard work in the form of biomedical and special diets...as His miracle). had you told me one year ago...much less a year and a half ago when i had to answer what j-bob ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and the answer to all three meals was: pancakes with zucchini and chicken puree...(yuck)...that my baby boy would be eating scones, blueberries, watermelon, carrot sticks, etc...i would have burst into tears at the very idea.
i still marvel at how far we have come as a family...balance...it is such a nice feeling...talk about a miracle!
j-bob and mermaid both turned their noses up at first...stinkers...but i got creative...did some silly voice and gave the food personality...yep...we played with our food...but when it was all said and done...mermaid had almost cleared her entire plate, and j-bob had eaten over half his scone, one blueberry (only gagged once), and two bites of watermelon!!
that ladies and gentlemen, is a miracle (and yes...God can send you hard work in the form of biomedical and special diets...as His miracle). had you told me one year ago...much less a year and a half ago when i had to answer what j-bob ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and the answer to all three meals was: pancakes with zucchini and chicken puree...(yuck)...that my baby boy would be eating scones, blueberries, watermelon, carrot sticks, etc...i would have burst into tears at the very idea.
i still marvel at how far we have come as a family...balance...it is such a nice feeling...talk about a miracle!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Foster parenting
Isn't it a bit selfish to have a family with so much love and not to share it?
Sigh...I cannot sleep. I have so many things blazing trails through my mind; I even picked up my knitting needles again, 1/4 of a scarf and 5 mg of melatonin later, and here I am at 12:30 am typing away.
Maybe my mind will slow down if i get some words out?
Sigh...so I have warned OA since we were newly weds that I would someday be a foster parent. I think he thought I was joking. I am going to attend a class...sadly it's not until July. Doesn't God know that I like to get things done once my mind is made up (haha...no really)? We most likely won't foster parent anytime soon, but I would love to be a respite care person or an emergency call family...if God and OA are willing...sigh.
Do I put too much on my plate? It's the first week of finding a life of balance, and here I am begging to home school full time and become a foster parent...OR...is my heart finally sitting still before our Lord...and hearing His Love...I want to whisper that Love everywhere I go.
I am hoping to figure out a way to record the kiddos' prayers. They are PRECIOUS. I think they are really getting it...better than most of us adults. J-bob asks God to hold his hand and ends every prayer with: and I love mommy, daddy, merwci, and God, and Jesus, and evewrybody in the whole entiwre wuwrld.
He is very non-discriminatory with his love. I must remember to blog about our conversation of loving everyone...even bad guys...sigh...hold tight these moments...they are so precious!
Sigh...I cannot sleep. I have so many things blazing trails through my mind; I even picked up my knitting needles again, 1/4 of a scarf and 5 mg of melatonin later, and here I am at 12:30 am typing away.
Maybe my mind will slow down if i get some words out?
Sigh...so I have warned OA since we were newly weds that I would someday be a foster parent. I think he thought I was joking. I am going to attend a class...sadly it's not until July. Doesn't God know that I like to get things done once my mind is made up (haha...no really)? We most likely won't foster parent anytime soon, but I would love to be a respite care person or an emergency call family...if God and OA are willing...sigh.
Do I put too much on my plate? It's the first week of finding a life of balance, and here I am begging to home school full time and become a foster parent...OR...is my heart finally sitting still before our Lord...and hearing His Love...I want to whisper that Love everywhere I go.
I am hoping to figure out a way to record the kiddos' prayers. They are PRECIOUS. I think they are really getting it...better than most of us adults. J-bob asks God to hold his hand and ends every prayer with: and I love mommy, daddy, merwci, and God, and Jesus, and evewrybody in the whole entiwre wuwrld.
He is very non-discriminatory with his love. I must remember to blog about our conversation of loving everyone...even bad guys...sigh...hold tight these moments...they are so precious!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
day 8...magical day
oh where do i begin?? the other night i decided: enough...
so i picked up a women of faith study guide that has been collecting dust for 3 years now...living a life of balance...something i crave...tired of simply craving and ready to put into action...didn't you guys know...june is the new january as far as resolutions...at least in this house.
food:
- the best smoothie: half hemp/half vanilla rice/frozen banana/few frozen peach slices/splash of agave nectar/dab of cinnamon. it was DELICIOUS...even the OA ate some!!
- leftover chicken enchilladas...again...GFgoddess never fails me! some fruit and carrot sticks.
- dinner consisted of grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and homemade french fries (sweet and regular)
- onto another smoothie for my snack...i am sure there are SEVERAL handfuls of stripey chips shoved here and there...but you know...a girls gotta live...and those chips...well...they are this home's comfort food!
- i ran a run tonight that kicked my bum so hard...i had to muster all the fight within myself and kick it's bum right back...it ended in a draw...sadly...it took me 49 mins to run/walk 4 miles but i realized as i had visions of how i could safely maneuver my body into a position that would allow me to drink my own bum sweat...(i was THAT thirsty!!)...that i had seriously not hydrated myself and then proceeded to run a hilly route in some serious heat...ahh...it was terribly wonderful!
- as mentioned...i have started a study guide...i hope it is as good as i know it will be...already putting my heart in the right place...in His Word.
- we started our first "home school" day today...it began with a family devotional...the best part was listening to the kiddos and seeing how that one family devotional can play itself out throughout the day...constantly turning our minds/hearts to God in little ways...i loved it...
- as earlier stated we started our first home school day today. it went so well. mermaid actually read a book to me...i have a feeling she will be reading by the end of this summer. j-bob's reading seems to have lost some "umph" since the last 3 weeks of school were pretty much a joke...no fault of the teacher...just a million things squeezed into the last month of school...anyhow...i am focusing on that...the kiddos did more than i expected...and the best part is that it was all pretty laid back/satisfying!
- we ended the evening with reading poems from my favorite children's author: shel silverstein. oh the memories...and they wouldn't let me stop...dear God...please give my children a love for words...and stories...and books...and dare i ask...poetry...sigh
Monday, June 8, 2009
day 5, 6, 7...oh who really cares!!??
so sick granola = derailed granola...
well...i can say the run with my sole sistah AND my british love...was divine! i begged for them to walk in the beginning and then i guess the tylenol kicked in, and i ended up sprinting...boom boom pow by black eyed peas always gets me going!!
i'm not in the mood for fat reduction talk...tonight i simply want to ask for prayer. prayer that i will not let the best of mermaid's behavior get to me...that i will not yell at her when at my wit's end...that i can calmly, kindly, lovingly, yet FIRMLY discipline her when needed. i don't beat my children...but occasionally...i think my words might as well...and i always apologize...but...i am tired of my behavior. don't get me wrong...i am far from abusive...but...i am not acting like the Godly mother that i should. i owe Him more than that...and my children...esp my daughter.
6 months ago i had thoughts so terrible no mother would admit to...so God has delivered us from more than anyone will ever know...whatever was going on with merminator...it made autism look simple...piece of cake...gfcfsf of course...it's a hard road...when you don't relate/enjoy your child...a very hard road. sigh...more moms need to admit to those moments...and then fight like hell to make them go away.
i cannot believe for one minute that i allow bitterness towards our special diet...i cannot believe for one minute that strangers would question when they have no idea about...i cannot believe for one minute that more and more parents with children who are struggling with extreme anger and behavior problems aren't being told: look at their diet!!!!
sigh...day 7 of fat reduction...i want more than reduced fat molecules...i want bigger spiritual muscles...much bigger relationship with Him...and a huge zapper...so that every time i put something that has gluten, casein, or soy near my mouth...it would electrocute me...as i do believe my not watching what i eat severely affects my not watching what i say or how i say it...deepest sigh...how thankful am i to serve a Merciful and Gracious yet Sovereign God!
well...i can say the run with my sole sistah AND my british love...was divine! i begged for them to walk in the beginning and then i guess the tylenol kicked in, and i ended up sprinting...boom boom pow by black eyed peas always gets me going!!
i'm not in the mood for fat reduction talk...tonight i simply want to ask for prayer. prayer that i will not let the best of mermaid's behavior get to me...that i will not yell at her when at my wit's end...that i can calmly, kindly, lovingly, yet FIRMLY discipline her when needed. i don't beat my children...but occasionally...i think my words might as well...and i always apologize...but...i am tired of my behavior. don't get me wrong...i am far from abusive...but...i am not acting like the Godly mother that i should. i owe Him more than that...and my children...esp my daughter.
6 months ago i had thoughts so terrible no mother would admit to...so God has delivered us from more than anyone will ever know...whatever was going on with merminator...it made autism look simple...piece of cake...gfcfsf of course...it's a hard road...when you don't relate/enjoy your child...a very hard road. sigh...more moms need to admit to those moments...and then fight like hell to make them go away.
i cannot believe for one minute that i allow bitterness towards our special diet...i cannot believe for one minute that strangers would question when they have no idea about...i cannot believe for one minute that more and more parents with children who are struggling with extreme anger and behavior problems aren't being told: look at their diet!!!!
sigh...day 7 of fat reduction...i want more than reduced fat molecules...i want bigger spiritual muscles...much bigger relationship with Him...and a huge zapper...so that every time i put something that has gluten, casein, or soy near my mouth...it would electrocute me...as i do believe my not watching what i eat severely affects my not watching what i say or how i say it...deepest sigh...how thankful am i to serve a Merciful and Gracious yet Sovereign God!
Friday, June 5, 2009
day 4...sickly
so the eating part is easy: watermelon, handfuls of stripey chips, ummmmm...a couple of left over potatoes and a few bites of roast...lots of fluids...and now i am forcing a hemp, black cherry, emergen-C, OJ smoothie...
yeppers...i've finally caught the fever that my little ones have so lovingly shared with their mama!
so i didn't run today, but i did completely clean and reorganized the kiddos room. they requested that i move their furniture around (prob bc i do it so often-great therapy for j-bob!!). we got rid of many many toys. i am big on down-sizing. no room for "stuff". i hate it...i have gotten pretty good at only keeping the necessities. every 3 months i go through this "nesting" and get rid of more things. poor OA. last week i re-did the living room and moved our room around. it's my thing...my thing i do...have done...will always do...i think it lends itself to my moving no less than 20 times in the same city before i was 20!
so today i am eating very little, drinking much, and not doing any exercise.
i plan on homeschooling the kiddos through the summer...yes, i'm back on that again. i will remind everyone...it's a dream i have dreamed since j-bob was in utero...but i am so scared to pull j-man from the very place he has bloomed...i mean...BLOOMED. so we shall give it a go this summer...mainly bc his teacher suggested we keep up a tight schedule and not rest on his reading and hand writing. she doesn't want him to lose ground. i love her. she has rocked our lives...sigh. oh...and the other dream i have dreamed is finishing school...deeper sigh...so what's a granola mama to do when her dreams collide? i rest on my husband...but i think dear OA is ready for some financial assistance...peace...get ahead. i owe that to him...we have scraped for the last 6 years...in my defense...i worked...and i mean WORKED...until we came to AR...i brought the j-bob to work then opened my own home daycare when mermaid was 3 weeks old...that's an entirely different blog topic...let's just say...i don't remember much of mermaid's birth until last year!
tomorrow...i run with my sistah...fever or no fever!
yeppers...i've finally caught the fever that my little ones have so lovingly shared with their mama!
so i didn't run today, but i did completely clean and reorganized the kiddos room. they requested that i move their furniture around (prob bc i do it so often-great therapy for j-bob!!). we got rid of many many toys. i am big on down-sizing. no room for "stuff". i hate it...i have gotten pretty good at only keeping the necessities. every 3 months i go through this "nesting" and get rid of more things. poor OA. last week i re-did the living room and moved our room around. it's my thing...my thing i do...have done...will always do...i think it lends itself to my moving no less than 20 times in the same city before i was 20!
so today i am eating very little, drinking much, and not doing any exercise.
i plan on homeschooling the kiddos through the summer...yes, i'm back on that again. i will remind everyone...it's a dream i have dreamed since j-bob was in utero...but i am so scared to pull j-man from the very place he has bloomed...i mean...BLOOMED. so we shall give it a go this summer...mainly bc his teacher suggested we keep up a tight schedule and not rest on his reading and hand writing. she doesn't want him to lose ground. i love her. she has rocked our lives...sigh. oh...and the other dream i have dreamed is finishing school...deeper sigh...so what's a granola mama to do when her dreams collide? i rest on my husband...but i think dear OA is ready for some financial assistance...peace...get ahead. i owe that to him...we have scraped for the last 6 years...in my defense...i worked...and i mean WORKED...until we came to AR...i brought the j-bob to work then opened my own home daycare when mermaid was 3 weeks old...that's an entirely different blog topic...let's just say...i don't remember much of mermaid's birth until last year!
tomorrow...i run with my sistah...fever or no fever!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
day 3...confessions
can i just say...barely audible...i am soo sore!!!! so very sore...it hurts to...breathe! who knew a 20 sec plank...no that was not a typo...i said second...not minute!!
today started off nicely with a hemp smoothie...can i just say...i don't care how granola you are...it takes a bit of...tweaking...to like hemp milk...but when a sistah can't have soy...
which leads me to my next confession...i had a soy latte...i had been 2 and 1/2 days coffee free...yesterday was a killer in the fake energy level...but the burning of my skin to the point of near tears...a lesson in why i have to give up soy...altogether...sigh.
i hate to confess that i...the very bad derailed vegan...ate 3 of those mini burgers from burger king...YIKES...i am embarrassed to say it...we are regulars at BK...talk about confessions...they are the only fast food that has gfcf french fries and burger patties...and it's the granola mama treat when i am feeling like being a bad granola mama...(and sometimes...when i am really feeling rebellious...i throw away paper and plastic...shhhhh...you'll only hear that once!)
ok...so for tonight's dinner...the kiddos are having sweet potato french fries and mermaid will also have slice of turkey...i...i am not even sort of hungry...my skin burns...my head hurts...and i feel like cow carcass...i guess i am what i eat...but is BK really qualified as cow meat? so lots of water...and OA is away thumping up the perfect watermelon (and i am telling on him...he bought himself a frozen pizza and candy!! that man is some kinda addicted to chemicals...i think he is rebelling his wife)!
as for exercise...AYE AYE AYE...we are going to do push ups, plank, and general ab stuff...that should be fun...seeing as it hurts to pee or tie my shoes!!!
tomorrow...i plan to get my run in! wish me luck!!
today started off nicely with a hemp smoothie...can i just say...i don't care how granola you are...it takes a bit of...tweaking...to like hemp milk...but when a sistah can't have soy...
which leads me to my next confession...i had a soy latte...i had been 2 and 1/2 days coffee free...yesterday was a killer in the fake energy level...but the burning of my skin to the point of near tears...a lesson in why i have to give up soy...altogether...sigh.
i hate to confess that i...the very bad derailed vegan...ate 3 of those mini burgers from burger king...YIKES...i am embarrassed to say it...we are regulars at BK...talk about confessions...they are the only fast food that has gfcf french fries and burger patties...and it's the granola mama treat when i am feeling like being a bad granola mama...(and sometimes...when i am really feeling rebellious...i throw away paper and plastic...shhhhh...you'll only hear that once!)
ok...so for tonight's dinner...the kiddos are having sweet potato french fries and mermaid will also have slice of turkey...i...i am not even sort of hungry...my skin burns...my head hurts...and i feel like cow carcass...i guess i am what i eat...but is BK really qualified as cow meat? so lots of water...and OA is away thumping up the perfect watermelon (and i am telling on him...he bought himself a frozen pizza and candy!! that man is some kinda addicted to chemicals...i think he is rebelling his wife)!
as for exercise...AYE AYE AYE...we are going to do push ups, plank, and general ab stuff...that should be fun...seeing as it hurts to pee or tie my shoes!!!
tomorrow...i plan to get my run in! wish me luck!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
day 2 of fat reduction
ok...i must confess something from yesterday's blog post...as i was falling asleep the horrible images of incredibly delish coconut ice cream came a dancin' in my head...so add that to the "snack" area of yesterday's eatings.
today...i started my morning off by making pancakes (on the same griddle nanny gave the OA and i for our wedding!!), getting a roast/potatoes/carrots in the crock pot, making j-bob's last lunch of the year (for school anyhow), getting j-man ready and off to school, throwing on non-bum-eating shorts and going for a quick 3 miler in the horrid humidity to honor national running day.
sheesh...that was all before 9 am. then i had to run said last lunch by the school as the j-meister forgot it at home...and off to substitute at my daughter's rocking montessori preschool...which she could not go-with as she was still running fever...
home by 1:30...just in time for OA to pass the baton of child-rearing off to me...which included j-bob's friend who is staying for a sleepover! the first sleepover of our career...i am not sure who is having more fun: mermaid or j-bob!? i have never heard so much laughter!! i am sitting in amazement...from the sheer bliss of his interaction (the friend is actually demanding for HIM to play a video game while j wants to play...!!??), his fantastic report card to include a high level reading status, and the incredible vast amount of ground that has been covered by my entire family this very year.
six months ago...i would've predicted that OA and i would have never made it this far...and if we did...we would never be happy...but it is totally incredible when you step outside yourself and allow God to take over...it has been a rough yet rewarding year. i wonder what the summer holds...?
as for fat reduction: 3 mile run...few bites of j's sugar-bread pancake, smoothie, 2 tiny gfcf cookies, apple and pb, and chuck roast/pots/carrots that would make a cow slap a vegetarian it was so good!! i have to admit...for about 30 mins...i was happy my body required that i eat meat again...i am quite sure this cow was happy to give her life...well...i can't go that far...it causes me to tear up and have anxiety over cow-death...geez...i had to go there...now i have the after-taste of carcass and fear in my throat...
my body is extremely sore!! extremely!! and during my run i decided...the problem with my weight-non-loss issues is that it's always been about the number on the scale...i'm over that...today...i just want to feel good...about the bum, the thigh-rubbing aunties (anne lamott...so have to read her books!), and my upper bum (2nd set of cheeks)...and lower bum (3rd set of cheeks)...today...i dreamed of making fergie jealous...HAHA...hey every granola has her dreams...mine include organic garden, endless access to flowers for my yard, recovery of all ASD, and a body like fergies...i mean...do you expect me to be deep all the time??
today...i started my morning off by making pancakes (on the same griddle nanny gave the OA and i for our wedding!!), getting a roast/potatoes/carrots in the crock pot, making j-bob's last lunch of the year (for school anyhow), getting j-man ready and off to school, throwing on non-bum-eating shorts and going for a quick 3 miler in the horrid humidity to honor national running day.
sheesh...that was all before 9 am. then i had to run said last lunch by the school as the j-meister forgot it at home...and off to substitute at my daughter's rocking montessori preschool...which she could not go-with as she was still running fever...
home by 1:30...just in time for OA to pass the baton of child-rearing off to me...which included j-bob's friend who is staying for a sleepover! the first sleepover of our career...i am not sure who is having more fun: mermaid or j-bob!? i have never heard so much laughter!! i am sitting in amazement...from the sheer bliss of his interaction (the friend is actually demanding for HIM to play a video game while j wants to play...!!??), his fantastic report card to include a high level reading status, and the incredible vast amount of ground that has been covered by my entire family this very year.
six months ago...i would've predicted that OA and i would have never made it this far...and if we did...we would never be happy...but it is totally incredible when you step outside yourself and allow God to take over...it has been a rough yet rewarding year. i wonder what the summer holds...?
as for fat reduction: 3 mile run...few bites of j's sugar-bread pancake, smoothie, 2 tiny gfcf cookies, apple and pb, and chuck roast/pots/carrots that would make a cow slap a vegetarian it was so good!! i have to admit...for about 30 mins...i was happy my body required that i eat meat again...i am quite sure this cow was happy to give her life...well...i can't go that far...it causes me to tear up and have anxiety over cow-death...geez...i had to go there...now i have the after-taste of carcass and fear in my throat...
my body is extremely sore!! extremely!! and during my run i decided...the problem with my weight-non-loss issues is that it's always been about the number on the scale...i'm over that...today...i just want to feel good...about the bum, the thigh-rubbing aunties (anne lamott...so have to read her books!), and my upper bum (2nd set of cheeks)...and lower bum (3rd set of cheeks)...today...i dreamed of making fergie jealous...HAHA...hey every granola has her dreams...mine include organic garden, endless access to flowers for my yard, recovery of all ASD, and a body like fergies...i mean...do you expect me to be deep all the time??
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
day 1 of fat reduction
so tonight i decided (after my thighs rubbed against themselves in the heat) that enough is enough!!
i have been going at this health business backwards...only doing one part of the equation at a time...again...enough is enough...it is time that i:
a) stick to gfcfsf with my kiddos
b) include resistance training
c) run regularly
d) stop cheating every other day!
SO...today after catching myself five different times popping j-bob's stripey chips aka ruffles into my mouth...i made myself a smoothie...ate leftover homemade curry rice (that ROCKED, might i add)...and made a semi-vegan lasagna. not sure of the snacks...will make more mental notes of that tomorrow...i am way behind in my water consumption...i have to be honest...this time of year lends itself to gf beer and margaritas and after spending days upon summer days with the kiddos...it's tempting to start partaking around noon!!
BUT...not this granola...this summer i am taking my body back from years of abuse. it is time for me to get healthy and STAY healthy...i am sick every single month...it's pathetic...and it is all about my diet (eating offending foods)...i know this bc j-bob used to be sick all of the time and is rarely sick 2 years into his diet!! mermaid and i have alot of ground to catch up on...
i tried to go for a run, but my shorts apparently were not intended for running...too short and my bum kept trying to eat them...so i humbly walked home about 4 blocks from where i started...BUT...OA and i did some resistance training which is what i would like to start doing every tues and thurs. we did: squats, lunges, push-ups, crunches, and some other crazy leg-tummy thing. we finished strong with a 20 sec plank...OH HOW PATHETIC...but we have to start somewhere, right?!
i am hoping that in 6 weeks i will see results and my plank will be at least one min!! oh, also that the next time my bum decides it's hungry and wants to eat my shorts...i won't be so humiliated by the "cheekiness" of it all...and continue running...shaking my bum eating loving shorts the entire time!!
now off for the second glass of water for the day...aye aye aye!
i have been going at this health business backwards...only doing one part of the equation at a time...again...enough is enough...it is time that i:
a) stick to gfcfsf with my kiddos
b) include resistance training
c) run regularly
d) stop cheating every other day!
SO...today after catching myself five different times popping j-bob's stripey chips aka ruffles into my mouth...i made myself a smoothie...ate leftover homemade curry rice (that ROCKED, might i add)...and made a semi-vegan lasagna. not sure of the snacks...will make more mental notes of that tomorrow...i am way behind in my water consumption...i have to be honest...this time of year lends itself to gf beer and margaritas and after spending days upon summer days with the kiddos...it's tempting to start partaking around noon!!
BUT...not this granola...this summer i am taking my body back from years of abuse. it is time for me to get healthy and STAY healthy...i am sick every single month...it's pathetic...and it is all about my diet (eating offending foods)...i know this bc j-bob used to be sick all of the time and is rarely sick 2 years into his diet!! mermaid and i have alot of ground to catch up on...
i tried to go for a run, but my shorts apparently were not intended for running...too short and my bum kept trying to eat them...so i humbly walked home about 4 blocks from where i started...BUT...OA and i did some resistance training which is what i would like to start doing every tues and thurs. we did: squats, lunges, push-ups, crunches, and some other crazy leg-tummy thing. we finished strong with a 20 sec plank...OH HOW PATHETIC...but we have to start somewhere, right?!
i am hoping that in 6 weeks i will see results and my plank will be at least one min!! oh, also that the next time my bum decides it's hungry and wants to eat my shorts...i won't be so humiliated by the "cheekiness" of it all...and continue running...shaking my bum eating loving shorts the entire time!!
now off for the second glass of water for the day...aye aye aye!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
my baby isn't a baby anymore
it is official...j-bob graduated kindergarten today...and he was FANTASTIC!
during the a video presentation he was asked:
what do you want to be when you grow up?
his response:
when i grow up...i wanna be a DAD!
he has far exceeded my expectations for this year...
where have the last five years gone?
i told OA today...j-bob is my first of everything...
mermaid is my last of everything...
childhood is fleeting and in so many other parts of the world...unheard of...
cherish it!
celebrate it!
during the a video presentation he was asked:
what do you want to be when you grow up?
his response:
when i grow up...i wanna be a DAD!
he has far exceeded my expectations for this year...
where have the last five years gone?
i told OA today...j-bob is my first of everything...
mermaid is my last of everything...
childhood is fleeting and in so many other parts of the world...unheard of...
cherish it!
celebrate it!
Monday, May 18, 2009
painful memories
so my brother texted me the other night...he was having a dark day...which is unusual for him...
i, too, have been struggling the last few days...i am wondering if something monumentally yuck happened around this time of year when we were younger? eerily, there are definite triggers lurking around begging for the opportunity to smash down nicely built walls around the heart.
last night, i sat down with big tears chasing each other down my cheeks...i began to literally pour my feelings out to my husband. ironically in my house, when i get quiet...OA instantly knows something is bothering me...when i get distant...he never pushes (he did in the beginning...but has learned over time...that doesn't work)...he gives ample space...just sits quietly beside me...however many days it may take...and then when i am ready...i finally spill all of my haunting thoughts...the funny part is that i don't realize that i am being so quiet...so cynical...so distant...i don't realize how trapped i am in my mind...how i am drowning myself with memories...until that moment...usually with the help of a glass of wine...almost always sitting in the bath tub...as the hot water burns me back into reality...tears and sweat sting my face...the steam cleanses my thoughts...it all rushes out...emotions...memories...fears...hopes...
my confession last night: i am terrified of being happy. i am terrified of believing in Love. my life seems too good. i am too blessed. i don't deserve any of this. i am just waiting for God to rip someone i Love away from me.
in God's defense...i know in my heart He does not operate this way...it is my mind...the great tormentor of my life...that i am constantly battling negative thoughts back into submission.
and then there is my husband...never failing...never flinching...the calm in my storm...my strong emotions have not once made him blink...he is...the strongest man i know...and as terrified as i am to admit...the absolute love of my life...and the most astounding part is that it is such a quiet yet solid love...a love that is whispered daily into my life...a love that when i am not listening for properly...i fail to hear...solid, unwavering, soft, and strong.
for so many years i have mistaken the face of love...God whispers His Love...too many times it is unheard...my husband...my blessing in disguise...how eternally thankful i am for your undying faithfulness...may the roar of my Love and the whisper of your Love...cling tightly to the promises of His Love...
i, too, have been struggling the last few days...i am wondering if something monumentally yuck happened around this time of year when we were younger? eerily, there are definite triggers lurking around begging for the opportunity to smash down nicely built walls around the heart.
last night, i sat down with big tears chasing each other down my cheeks...i began to literally pour my feelings out to my husband. ironically in my house, when i get quiet...OA instantly knows something is bothering me...when i get distant...he never pushes (he did in the beginning...but has learned over time...that doesn't work)...he gives ample space...just sits quietly beside me...however many days it may take...and then when i am ready...i finally spill all of my haunting thoughts...the funny part is that i don't realize that i am being so quiet...so cynical...so distant...i don't realize how trapped i am in my mind...how i am drowning myself with memories...until that moment...usually with the help of a glass of wine...almost always sitting in the bath tub...as the hot water burns me back into reality...tears and sweat sting my face...the steam cleanses my thoughts...it all rushes out...emotions...memories...fears...hopes...
my confession last night: i am terrified of being happy. i am terrified of believing in Love. my life seems too good. i am too blessed. i don't deserve any of this. i am just waiting for God to rip someone i Love away from me.
in God's defense...i know in my heart He does not operate this way...it is my mind...the great tormentor of my life...that i am constantly battling negative thoughts back into submission.
and then there is my husband...never failing...never flinching...the calm in my storm...my strong emotions have not once made him blink...he is...the strongest man i know...and as terrified as i am to admit...the absolute love of my life...and the most astounding part is that it is such a quiet yet solid love...a love that is whispered daily into my life...a love that when i am not listening for properly...i fail to hear...solid, unwavering, soft, and strong.
for so many years i have mistaken the face of love...God whispers His Love...too many times it is unheard...my husband...my blessing in disguise...how eternally thankful i am for your undying faithfulness...may the roar of my Love and the whisper of your Love...cling tightly to the promises of His Love...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
SUCCESS
so, j-bob ate FIVE big bites of his karina's mulligatawny soup at school today!!! this is a landmark moment in this house! of course, he got a toy...but that boy earned it! he requested that we not do soup again...but he liked it...so i suggested that we only have soup once a week...every thursday...he obliged...so...soup on thursdays...it is!
tonight i made: gfcfsf vegan (egg free) nut free karina's pizza...and it was FANTASTIC! OA was here to serve it up...we added galaxy's gfcfsf "cheese" which was actually quite tasty on the pizza...he said that j-bob was asking for another piece with the first bite in his mouth...AND...he promptly requested it for his lunch tomorrow...sigh...what a wonderful feeling...to see him so excited about food again!
i have to say that his willingness to try new foods always expands with consistency AND supplements. low zinc (which is seen frequently in ASD) is said to affect the taste of foods...very interesting! he is up to eating 2 carrot sticks a day in his lunch. we shall see what tomorrow holds...today...i am thankful.
tonight i made: gfcfsf vegan (egg free) nut free karina's pizza...and it was FANTASTIC! OA was here to serve it up...we added galaxy's gfcfsf "cheese" which was actually quite tasty on the pizza...he said that j-bob was asking for another piece with the first bite in his mouth...AND...he promptly requested it for his lunch tomorrow...sigh...what a wonderful feeling...to see him so excited about food again!
i have to say that his willingness to try new foods always expands with consistency AND supplements. low zinc (which is seen frequently in ASD) is said to affect the taste of foods...very interesting! he is up to eating 2 carrot sticks a day in his lunch. we shall see what tomorrow holds...today...i am thankful.
Re-Post of one of my first: Light
just today i had the opportunity to serve a family of three...a father...a mother...and an adolescent daughter...with autism...and not just autism...cerebral palsy...you know...just for added measure...
i never would have guessed autism, until i looked down at the father's wrist and noticed his blue autism awareness bracelet...of course...immediately...there was much to talk about.
mostly i listened...briefly...i had the opportunity to look into the mother's eyes as she was tending to their daughter...in her eyes...i saw...nothing........emptiness.......
maybe it was her dark day...but maybe...as i listened to the father...maybe it was more than that...maybe she was so exhausted, so consumed, so needed for so many years with no relief in sight...maybe she really was empty...
my heart is aching...i am angry for her...at what point does a mother look up to heaven and scream: GIVE ME MY CHILD...THE CHILD I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF...THE CHILD I HAVE PRAYED FOR...GIVE ME MY CHILD...PLEASE...!!!???
i looked into her child's eyes twice...she looked back at me both times...her eyes were not empty...they were overflowing with so much expression...i still see those eyes...a burning contrast to her mothers...
sigh...it's so easy to become consumed...i pray for that mother to have the light turned back on in her eyes...that she would be able to see the life in her own daughter's eyes and gain a sense of peace and strength from the very one she is pouring her light into...
may more people reach out to the daughter...stop being afraid of discomfort in the differences...start seeing the light in the eyes of the voiceless...
God...forgive me...i am angry...angry for this family...angry for every family that recovery may not be a possibility...almost willing to sacrifice the obvious recoverability of my son for those less hopeful...i simply cannot imagine a future with no hope...how bleak...how desperate...no wonder there was no light in that mother's eyes...
if this exchange of glances leads to nothing more than the burning flames of my hope to ignite a small spark of hope in that mother's life...through prayer alone...may this moment not go unnoticed...unanswered...unlit
i never would have guessed autism, until i looked down at the father's wrist and noticed his blue autism awareness bracelet...of course...immediately...there was much to talk about.
mostly i listened...briefly...i had the opportunity to look into the mother's eyes as she was tending to their daughter...in her eyes...i saw...nothing........emptiness.......
maybe it was her dark day...but maybe...as i listened to the father...maybe it was more than that...maybe she was so exhausted, so consumed, so needed for so many years with no relief in sight...maybe she really was empty...
my heart is aching...i am angry for her...at what point does a mother look up to heaven and scream: GIVE ME MY CHILD...THE CHILD I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF...THE CHILD I HAVE PRAYED FOR...GIVE ME MY CHILD...PLEASE...!!!???
i looked into her child's eyes twice...she looked back at me both times...her eyes were not empty...they were overflowing with so much expression...i still see those eyes...a burning contrast to her mothers...
sigh...it's so easy to become consumed...i pray for that mother to have the light turned back on in her eyes...that she would be able to see the life in her own daughter's eyes and gain a sense of peace and strength from the very one she is pouring her light into...
may more people reach out to the daughter...stop being afraid of discomfort in the differences...start seeing the light in the eyes of the voiceless...
God...forgive me...i am angry...angry for this family...angry for every family that recovery may not be a possibility...almost willing to sacrifice the obvious recoverability of my son for those less hopeful...i simply cannot imagine a future with no hope...how bleak...how desperate...no wonder there was no light in that mother's eyes...
if this exchange of glances leads to nothing more than the burning flames of my hope to ignite a small spark of hope in that mother's life...through prayer alone...may this moment not go unnoticed...unanswered...unlit
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
the gluten free goddess wins again!
ok...confession time...i have begun to LOATHE cooking...could it be that i love cheese and wheat so much that not cooking with these very items depress me? could it be that i am tired of measuring 100 different ingredients out in an effort to have a normal pancake? could it be that...i have grown lazy? gotten uncreative? bored with life?
hmmmm...maybe...but maybe it's just apart of my a-typical-mom-role that i constantly battle. i think it may be time to finally admit it: ...i am not the typical mom, and i do not mother typical children, and my husband is far from the typical man...SO...my quirky little family shall just have to learn to co-exist with the normal people in our own quirky little way...
which leads me to: THE gluten free goddess
she rocks it for all meals hypoallergenic...and...i do not wish food allergies upon anyone...but...as "luck" would have it...she cannot have EXACTLY what j-bob cannot have...so i almost never have to substitute! AND...she is a true vegan at heart...BUT...due to an injury a while back she had to add meat back into her diet...WHICH...i respect as i have had to do the same for myself if i want to continue running...UNTIL...i heal my body enough to do without all things carcass.
so...tonight...i made: Vegetarian Mulligatawny
it did not disappoint...by far...one of THE BEST soups i have ever had...i am so thankful for the gluten free goddess...my entire week's menus are planned around her recipes...i will attempt to post each night...tomorrow we shall have apricot glazed meatloaf...and she just posted a vegan version...wonder if i can fool OA??
baby steps granola...baby steps!
hmmmm...maybe...but maybe it's just apart of my a-typical-mom-role that i constantly battle. i think it may be time to finally admit it: ...i am not the typical mom, and i do not mother typical children, and my husband is far from the typical man...SO...my quirky little family shall just have to learn to co-exist with the normal people in our own quirky little way...
which leads me to: THE gluten free goddess
she rocks it for all meals hypoallergenic...and...i do not wish food allergies upon anyone...but...as "luck" would have it...she cannot have EXACTLY what j-bob cannot have...so i almost never have to substitute! AND...she is a true vegan at heart...BUT...due to an injury a while back she had to add meat back into her diet...WHICH...i respect as i have had to do the same for myself if i want to continue running...UNTIL...i heal my body enough to do without all things carcass.
so...tonight...i made: Vegetarian Mulligatawny
it did not disappoint...by far...one of THE BEST soups i have ever had...i am so thankful for the gluten free goddess...my entire week's menus are planned around her recipes...i will attempt to post each night...tomorrow we shall have apricot glazed meatloaf...and she just posted a vegan version...wonder if i can fool OA??
baby steps granola...baby steps!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
will i ever:
run regularly?
run a marathon?
graduate from college?
stay true to the diet that is so healing to my body?
make my kiddos sleep in their own beds?
read my Bible everyday?
have the Spiritual life i have always dreamed of?
go to Africa?
run a marathon?
graduate from college?
stay true to the diet that is so healing to my body?
make my kiddos sleep in their own beds?
read my Bible everyday?
have the Spiritual life i have always dreamed of?
go to Africa?
Monday, May 4, 2009
africa
so, i have been slowly falling in love with Africa for around a year or so...it all started with a book about a boy soldier...and has grown intensely from there.
a dear family the Vanclan from our church has recently returned from Ethiopia with two children they have adopted...fantastic story...i am excited to see the next chapter in their lives!
she has a link on how we can help malnourished children in Africa: urgent need.
i will be honest...i have dreamed of a new pair of running shoes...some flowers for my garden...a new pair of running shoes...one gets the picture...for mother's day...but...i simply cannot justify money being spent on me...we are awful about not tithing regularly...i believe in it...but honestly, it's not a good priority in our life (does God take visa??)...a sad reflection of our spiritual immaturity...but i write this blog to be real...and right now...i feel a strong conviction to at a minimum...sacrifice my mother's day gift in honor of a tiny baby...to help be the answer to some mom's fervent prayers...that maybe...He will magnify my small sacrifice to her soul...maybe she will understand His sacrifice, too...
it is time for my family to stop being baby Christians...whatever that means...God...please, take us to another level...i want so much more...not from You...rather...for You.
a dear family the Vanclan from our church has recently returned from Ethiopia with two children they have adopted...fantastic story...i am excited to see the next chapter in their lives!
she has a link on how we can help malnourished children in Africa: urgent need.
i will be honest...i have dreamed of a new pair of running shoes...some flowers for my garden...a new pair of running shoes...one gets the picture...for mother's day...but...i simply cannot justify money being spent on me...we are awful about not tithing regularly...i believe in it...but honestly, it's not a good priority in our life (does God take visa??)...a sad reflection of our spiritual immaturity...but i write this blog to be real...and right now...i feel a strong conviction to at a minimum...sacrifice my mother's day gift in honor of a tiny baby...to help be the answer to some mom's fervent prayers...that maybe...He will magnify my small sacrifice to her soul...maybe she will understand His sacrifice, too...
it is time for my family to stop being baby Christians...whatever that means...God...please, take us to another level...i want so much more...not from You...rather...for You.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
ignorance vs stupidity
ok...it's been a while since i have had a "rant"...let's blame this on the antibiotics, shall we??
today, someone actually made the comment to me: oh, please tell me you aren't one of those moms...don't do that (gfcfsf diet) to your children!
i took a deep breath...put on my advocate cap...briefly explained why i do that to my children...i have gotten so good at the spiel that i don't even get angry anymore...until later...it's always hours upon hours after the comments...they wake me up...get stuck in my mind...over and over and over...until the extreme exhaustion of the day is long forgotten, and instead i find myself typing away on my pc...cleansing my brain...purging it of the rude-thoughtless comments of others...
it's been a long road...the hardest part is over: defending why i am taking milk (the beloved gift from the greedy dairy industry...america's golden white honey...for-goodness-sake-get-a-grip-people) out of my son's diet...even the "warnings" on the boxes of rice milk telling me to seek medical approval before giving my less-than-five-year-old rice milk is accusing...grandparents, husband, doctors, friends...no one immediately jumps on board the "diet-train"...
it's a huge decision that most mom's sadly make alone...clinging to the fact that...we have prayed no less than a thousand prayers for God to PLEASE help us figure out what is wrong with our child...a prayer that is answered in the strangest of ways...allergies...sensitivities...removal of coveted foods...
slowly and surely...the doubters see change...develop relationships for the first time...become believers...never acknowledging a day when they questioned...denying a day they never believed...
FINALLY...the exhausted mother...the mother who had to turn to yahoo forums for three months so that she could feel accepted SOMEWHERE...so she could gain her identity back...rally support...from strangers...finally...she has peace...not because the doubters are now iron-clad-believers...RATHER...because...if only this one time...she listened to that still small voice of God...and believed Him...over everyone else...and He honored His Promise to her...
it's been nearly two years now that we have been gfcfsf...egg free...dye free...nut/legume free...and my son is recovered enough from the autistic spectrum...anymore will be icing on the cake...gfcfsf icing of course...not only is my son's body and mind healing...he has led my daughter's unknown/undiagnosed "issues" to the land of forgotten difficulty...he has led my body to a brighter journey...i have considerably less anxiety/depression...my skin doesn't burn for "no reason"...my tummy issues...years of tummy issues are no longer present...my skin is clear...my eyes sparkle again, and the dull-hazy-exhaustion from the first three months of going gfcfsf are replaced with a vibrant glow of hope...love of running...movement...worship...health.
so when the random strangers...or even friends...or fellow church family...ignorantly decided to give their two-cents on my family's "quirky diet"...i have to take a deep breath...remember there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity (ignorance is not knowing...stupidity is deciding to speak anyway...) and remember that God put my family on this path, and i thank Him every single day...esp on the days my children (four and five years old) GLADLY turn down fistfuls of M&M candy...scoffing that they are full of "kemicals mommy"...now that's a moment i love to justify!
today, someone actually made the comment to me: oh, please tell me you aren't one of those moms...don't do that (gfcfsf diet) to your children!
i took a deep breath...put on my advocate cap...briefly explained why i do that to my children...i have gotten so good at the spiel that i don't even get angry anymore...until later...it's always hours upon hours after the comments...they wake me up...get stuck in my mind...over and over and over...until the extreme exhaustion of the day is long forgotten, and instead i find myself typing away on my pc...cleansing my brain...purging it of the rude-thoughtless comments of others...
it's been a long road...the hardest part is over: defending why i am taking milk (the beloved gift from the greedy dairy industry...america's golden white honey...for-goodness-sake-get-a-grip-people) out of my son's diet...even the "warnings" on the boxes of rice milk telling me to seek medical approval before giving my less-than-five-year-old rice milk is accusing...grandparents, husband, doctors, friends...no one immediately jumps on board the "diet-train"...
it's a huge decision that most mom's sadly make alone...clinging to the fact that...we have prayed no less than a thousand prayers for God to PLEASE help us figure out what is wrong with our child...a prayer that is answered in the strangest of ways...allergies...sensitivities...removal of coveted foods...
slowly and surely...the doubters see change...develop relationships for the first time...become believers...never acknowledging a day when they questioned...denying a day they never believed...
FINALLY...the exhausted mother...the mother who had to turn to yahoo forums for three months so that she could feel accepted SOMEWHERE...so she could gain her identity back...rally support...from strangers...finally...she has peace...not because the doubters are now iron-clad-believers...RATHER...because...if only this one time...she listened to that still small voice of God...and believed Him...over everyone else...and He honored His Promise to her...
it's been nearly two years now that we have been gfcfsf...egg free...dye free...nut/legume free...and my son is recovered enough from the autistic spectrum...anymore will be icing on the cake...gfcfsf icing of course...not only is my son's body and mind healing...he has led my daughter's unknown/undiagnosed "issues" to the land of forgotten difficulty...he has led my body to a brighter journey...i have considerably less anxiety/depression...my skin doesn't burn for "no reason"...my tummy issues...years of tummy issues are no longer present...my skin is clear...my eyes sparkle again, and the dull-hazy-exhaustion from the first three months of going gfcfsf are replaced with a vibrant glow of hope...love of running...movement...worship...health.
so when the random strangers...or even friends...or fellow church family...ignorantly decided to give their two-cents on my family's "quirky diet"...i have to take a deep breath...remember there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity (ignorance is not knowing...stupidity is deciding to speak anyway...) and remember that God put my family on this path, and i thank Him every single day...esp on the days my children (four and five years old) GLADLY turn down fistfuls of M&M candy...scoffing that they are full of "kemicals mommy"...now that's a moment i love to justify!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
strep throat
I HATE STREP THROAT!!
i haven't run in over a week...my body feels like a train hit...i would take a pic of the back of my throat for sympathy...but will not go that far...
i have taken every natural known remedy for strep known to man...this case is not budging...so it's off to antibiotic land...land of the upset stomach, body aches, and hurting skin...all of the above are still better than strep...i could even smell my strep breath this am...argh
ok...just wanted to keep my dear blog readers current...have the pics of the darling mermaid helping prepare the vegan gumbo...will try to post that tomorrow...it's the whole typing out the recipe...aye aye aye.
OH...j-bob's shirts turned out nicely and we had 3 people show up to run for TEAM JADEN...which was a blessing as i had to walk due to: strep throat...there's always next year...right!?
i haven't run in over a week...my body feels like a train hit...i would take a pic of the back of my throat for sympathy...but will not go that far...
i have taken every natural known remedy for strep known to man...this case is not budging...so it's off to antibiotic land...land of the upset stomach, body aches, and hurting skin...all of the above are still better than strep...i could even smell my strep breath this am...argh
ok...just wanted to keep my dear blog readers current...have the pics of the darling mermaid helping prepare the vegan gumbo...will try to post that tomorrow...it's the whole typing out the recipe...aye aye aye.
OH...j-bob's shirts turned out nicely and we had 3 people show up to run for TEAM JADEN...which was a blessing as i had to walk due to: strep throat...there's always next year...right!?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
oh baby!!
i have so many things to update!! my camera needs to be plugged in first...
this is my to-do list of blog post goals for this week:
my new square foot garden...which i have some successful seedlings coming up!!
mermaid cooking vegan gumbo...which i am eating now...and it is DELISH!!
my inspiration run...wow...so amazing...the mother who put that together is a dream mom! in a nut shell...26.2 miles to every school in cabot school district to teach kids about healthy choices...i only did 12-13 miles of it...but it was the fastest i have ever done!!
my having to eat flesh again...and drink gatorade...and worrying that my heart is beating too efficiently...as in...it's soooo slow!! but...i'm told..that's normal for: runners!! (oh, am i one of those??)
j-bob's weird regression...esp with his skin...and the rocking and hand sucking...and is he actually hand posturing? is that the word? not sure...BUT...he is being out of this world lovey...so i am taking the two steps back with a thankful heart that his connection to the world is still very much in tact...actually...i cannot remember him ever being so needy of affection in his life? all a big puzzle...one day at a time!
and last but not least: I HAVE BEEN CAFFEINE FREE FOR ONE WEEK!!!!
this is my to-do list of blog post goals for this week:
my new square foot garden...which i have some successful seedlings coming up!!
mermaid cooking vegan gumbo...which i am eating now...and it is DELISH!!
my inspiration run...wow...so amazing...the mother who put that together is a dream mom! in a nut shell...26.2 miles to every school in cabot school district to teach kids about healthy choices...i only did 12-13 miles of it...but it was the fastest i have ever done!!
my having to eat flesh again...and drink gatorade...and worrying that my heart is beating too efficiently...as in...it's soooo slow!! but...i'm told..that's normal for: runners!! (oh, am i one of those??)
j-bob's weird regression...esp with his skin...and the rocking and hand sucking...and is he actually hand posturing? is that the word? not sure...BUT...he is being out of this world lovey...so i am taking the two steps back with a thankful heart that his connection to the world is still very much in tact...actually...i cannot remember him ever being so needy of affection in his life? all a big puzzle...one day at a time!
and last but not least: I HAVE BEEN CAFFEINE FREE FOR ONE WEEK!!!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Redefining Autism
so i have designed a t-shirt for the Autism Awareness Run in LR on April 18th...
it's very simple, and i am hoping that the people i am wanting to use can breathe life into the idea! i am really excited about it...i'll "unveil" the final product...who knows...maybe i can get an extra one and actually do a give-away!!??
so my book is called: A Child's Journey Out of Autism....by Leeann Whiffen
i like it...it's a very good look at what families go through...i don't identify with Leeann nearly as much as i did Jenny McCarthy...BUT...for those of you who tend to keep things in and not show emotion...she's the mom for you...
i will leave you with this "video" of her son...it took my breath away...beware...it's very REAL...ok so i cannot figure out how to make the you tube video come up...here is the link...please follow...it's less than 2 minutes!
Clay Whiffen
it's very simple, and i am hoping that the people i am wanting to use can breathe life into the idea! i am really excited about it...i'll "unveil" the final product...who knows...maybe i can get an extra one and actually do a give-away!!??
so my book is called: A Child's Journey Out of Autism....by Leeann Whiffen
i like it...it's a very good look at what families go through...i don't identify with Leeann nearly as much as i did Jenny McCarthy...BUT...for those of you who tend to keep things in and not show emotion...she's the mom for you...
i will leave you with this "video" of her son...it took my breath away...beware...it's very REAL...ok so i cannot figure out how to make the you tube video come up...here is the link...please follow...it's less than 2 minutes!
Clay Whiffen
Thursday, April 2, 2009
100 miles in 30 days
map my run has all kinds of fantastic things going on...one of which is a goal challenge to...you guessed it...run 100 miles in 30 days...they claim that only adds up to about 3.3 miles a day!
well...i joined it...it's the greatest thing i have done thus far to get me to run daily! now i see what the sistah has been talking about all this time...routine running...wow...who knew??
so i did a 2 miler for speed work...it was great...except that i looked reDONKulous running sprints...oh the joy of self-imposed humility!
that didn't count towards my challenge as i joined the next day in which i ran 3, and then yesterday i ran another 3 in 31 minutes...YAY for me!...and then today i did a quick 2 in the rain...had to cut my intended 4 short as thunder began booming, and though i would love to die running...i didn't feel today was quite the day...
today as i ran in the rain my heart was pounding, and i was struggling for every single breath...i began to pray...more like worship...as i thought of every amazing thing i could think to call my God...and i also realized how thankful i was to have finally found my medium of worship: i wish i could sing...aspire to play an instrument...am too adhd to really still myself during worship...
ironically...i guess keeping in line with the whole paradox that is my life...it is thru movement that i can finally still my mind enough to focus solely on His Goodness...solely, soully, what-have-you. i am blessed beyond measure...and if that wasn't enough...my dearest husband...the man i literally dreamed of...did the dishes, folded, hung, and PUT AWAY three loads of laundry...why? because he wanted...to simply bless me...and bless me he did!
sigh...my heart is full of Love today...may it overflow...spill out...and drown the souls around me yearning for such that is Love.
well...i joined it...it's the greatest thing i have done thus far to get me to run daily! now i see what the sistah has been talking about all this time...routine running...wow...who knew??
so i did a 2 miler for speed work...it was great...except that i looked reDONKulous running sprints...oh the joy of self-imposed humility!
that didn't count towards my challenge as i joined the next day in which i ran 3, and then yesterday i ran another 3 in 31 minutes...YAY for me!...and then today i did a quick 2 in the rain...had to cut my intended 4 short as thunder began booming, and though i would love to die running...i didn't feel today was quite the day...
today as i ran in the rain my heart was pounding, and i was struggling for every single breath...i began to pray...more like worship...as i thought of every amazing thing i could think to call my God...and i also realized how thankful i was to have finally found my medium of worship: i wish i could sing...aspire to play an instrument...am too adhd to really still myself during worship...
ironically...i guess keeping in line with the whole paradox that is my life...it is thru movement that i can finally still my mind enough to focus solely on His Goodness...solely, soully, what-have-you. i am blessed beyond measure...and if that wasn't enough...my dearest husband...the man i literally dreamed of...did the dishes, folded, hung, and PUT AWAY three loads of laundry...why? because he wanted...to simply bless me...and bless me he did!
sigh...my heart is full of Love today...may it overflow...spill out...and drown the souls around me yearning for such that is Love.
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