heart lens

i'm so glad that i am not God...that it is not my job to judge the heart of man.


my husband learned as a former police officer that there are three sides to every story: side a, side b, and the truth.


the truth always seems so elusive, so tainted by emotions, thoughts, feelings, justice.

sigh-the-big-sigh

i wish i could wave a magic wand...if i only had one wish...i am pretty sure it would be for Love.

simple Love...and with that Love...for the proper heart lens...for everyone...

and on a similar note...

i have been struggling personally with my own Love-simple-Love issues.

it dawned on me the other day that a heart can move on...but a soul...i think they tend to cling to one another.

for years i have feared that i have serious intimacy issues...that my poor husband has been slighted...not given every inch of my heart...and then it hit me...

he doesn't need every inch of my heart...the problem with the world's idea of love is that it is all encompassing...breath-taking...everything you need...and what i have for my husband is simple and has boundaries...not like the kind of boundaries that a fence provides but the kind that a meaningful relationship with God provides. my husband allows me the freedom to be exactly who i am...he's comfortable with my idiosyncrasies...he doesn't control...anything about me...and visa versa...

for someone like me...that's a big deal...i'm so prone to emotions, highs, lows that constant feels foreign...terrifying...a bit off kilter...which leaves me questioning the unquestionable...does he really love me? do i really love him? and the simple answer is yes.

our hearts are reserved to be sold out and exclusive for one person only: God...the rest of it is to be shared with all the other precious people we meet on this journey called life.

i find comfort in that.

i am not robbing my husband of some crazy piece of my heart...rather...i am sharing it...wholeheartedly...with all the passion and craziness one granola chic can muster!

chocolate kisses

if i died tomorrow...and seeing as how i haven't run and am fighting off strep throat with every natural remedy i know...death is at the top of my mind...or rather...i feel like death is knocking on my door...or throat...or head...well...one gets the picture.

OH, focus...so if i died tomorrow...i would die content. despite the fact that i will never be satisfied AND i always question...well...everything...i am still content.

my sweet little daughter...and i never thought i would be able to say those words: sweet and daughter...just leaned over the doggie gate with a face smeared with chocolate (enjoy life allergen free of course) and kissed me on the cheek. forget fairy tale endings...step aside i-do kisses...that hypoallergenic chocolate covered smooch has to be the most amazingly sweet kiss i have ever received...it makes my heart so swollen with thankfulness my chest hurts...but the words that followed: mommy, i love you...you are the bestest...

and then my heart stops...

ahh...my heart has stopped and my cheek is tingling...

this my dear blog readers...is one of those beautiful moments in parenthood.

got nothing

i've got nothing...well...except writer's block...hmm...and runner's block...

it could be that i have had dairy and gluten for two days straight...

or is it that my kiddos/husband have been sick for ONE MONTH combined...

or possibly that i haven't ran in FOREVER!?

geez...and the half marathon is in 28 days...

i'm kindof freaking out...what if i cannot finish? i struggled...and i mean struggled for a few miles the other day...it's as if my mind and body are crying mutiny...refusing to do any more running...

well...they have another thing coming...because starting tomorrow...this butt is getting back in gear...sick kids or no sick kids!

now...i'm off to breathe into a paper bag...pretty sure with gluten comes anxiety...i've said this before...now i know for a fact it's true for this granola...no bread is worth this feeling!!

heart smiles

borrowing this one from my running blog...thank you for the prayers!!


my dearly loved...yet...often much taken for granted husband aka oversized asian (OA)...well...today he suggested a walk together.

it was a beautiful day...yesterday was, too, but my heart only felt the blue from the blueness in the sky...it wasn't feeling the sunshine through.

God hears those desperate pleas for tiny pauses of life's realities...nearly nine years of marriage...lots of ups and downs...can leave a sistah...esp an over-thinking-sistah...questioning if she made the right choices way back when.

then her hardworking OA puts on some shorts, a running shirt, tennis shoes, and grabs up his i-pod...all for her...well...as we all know...running is not something you do for someone else...it may start off that way...but once those feet hit the pavement...the heart starts pumping...the sweat washes away years of stress...the soul longs for more.

and this soul simply melted as it ran side by side its lover's soul...

and then we walked...and i couldn't resist but to reach out...and grab his hand...my heart smiled.

if words could only explain how simple it is to touch a woman's soul,and how the impact of a simple act of love and kindness has allowed my heart to smile once again.

the blues

yeah, i got em.

they are every where...even in the big beautiful blue sky...except the sky can smile through the clouds when it's blue.

i lit some candles and prayed for people other than myself.

i watched house...it def didn't help...as cuddy is faced with the same question i always struggle with: can I be a mother...aka...mommy...AND...a professional.

i know many who can...but i am not many...my heart is (usually) with my children. but while my heart is very much in love...there are those days that bring even the best of moms to her knees...i question...and then my dearest well-intentioned husband says something to the effect of: yeah right, you want to be home all the time...

and i crumble...because...he's right. i can't find my balance.

or rather...i can't keep my balance. though i am beginning to think that's just the way God likes me to be...a bit off balance...so i will learn to reach out, take His hand, and rely on Him.

sigh...do my children have to keep growing up soooo fast?