Innocence lost---Voice found

I'm reading a book by Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are) and in it she discusses the concept of authenticity. It was one of those chapters I thought I was going to easily breeze over because I am many things that fall under the heading: IMPERFECT, but not being authentic doesn't happen to be one of them. Actually, many would say that I am authentic-to-a-fault.

Well, she describes authenticity as living out the difference of who I am VERSUS who I THINK I should be. For "fun" I decided to whip out my therapy-homework-journal and make a list of all the things I find myself thinking I should be...after the entire page was scribbled across and the accusation of many sighs as I belittled myself for NOT being this and NOT being that, I realized that I bathe myself in shame every.single.day.

DEEP CLEANSING BREATH (also therapy homework)

Here's what I have come to realize. I was a victim. I was a victim at a very young age for many years. I have spent my entire life trying to run from that fact. I have a hard time with victims. Especially ones who use it as an excuse. So at the ripe-old-age of seven, when one of the first traumatic incidents occurred, I made up my mind that I would use every bad thing that happened to me to help others.

Let's pause. I was seven.

Seven.

After one of my therapy sessions I had to pull my van over and cry in a parking lot. That day I was crying for the four year old little girl who pretty much said goodbye to having a Dad for the rest of her life. That day will forever be burned in my mind. I've done many foolish things to fill his void. The most dangerous lie I have allowed myself to believe is that I didn't need him anyway. That I had a Father in Heaven, which is true, but He designed parents to be there. Present. Parenting.

So yeah, I've grown up thinking that I didn't need others because I was all I needed...because that was the safest way to live, right?

So at seven, when my innocence got turned inside out...I unpacked the abandonment of my father and the wrong-doing-sin-against-innocence of my then step-father and made a very cozy hedge of protection that I didn't even fully comprehend how impenetrable and strong it actually was until about 4 weeks ago.

I am going to *attempt* to share my journey towards healing and wholehearted living. Maybe it's because I still struggle with the fact that me, heatherHeather, is solely worth fighting for. Maybe this is still a wall I am trying to avoid climbing over because I truly cannot see my value, and I am still living in the land of "hustling for worthiness" (another Brene Brown concept).

Maybe not, maybe I am finally making good on that promise I made to that sweet, innocent, terrified little girl while she was lying on her bathroom floor in the fetal position...head reeling, tummy twisted, being choked by anxiety...begging God to pour the blood of His Son around her and her mom and brother for protection...maybe I am cashing in all that pain...hoping and praying that my story will in fact help someone else.

I guess, in true life's fashion---only time will tell. Most likely it's a bit of both.

I will admit that giving a voice to that girl...is more empowering that any wall I have ever created in my mind.