my morning started at 4:55 am to a text waking me out of a fitful sleep.
it included running, laughing, sweating, deep breathing, sharing, friendship.
the sun crept up so silently that i barely realized i was running from the dark into the lightened crisp morning air.
my family voted in the primaries. it was my first primary election.
i choked back the tears as my children hugged their daddy goodbye as he went to work, and we left for the library. my life is so blessed.
my children had to be peeled away from the books as they excitedly found so many to borrow that i could hardly lift the bag...the bag i sewed with transformers on it for J-Bob...the most favorite-of-favorite bags that i have ever owned.
we met friends in the park. our children were kind to each other and never even noticed the obvious difference in the quirky big boy who was too rough, too loud, too excited...i see such love in their lives. if only we could be like them.
i mowed the yard to surprise my OA who has done the dishes for me so many times this week...just because. my neighbor started the mower.
the kiddos congregated at another neighbor's house. they all played together. their ages were 5 to almost 13 and no one was unaccepted. it was beautiful to behold. my son started off in his too short handmade curious george jammy pants...and ended up in cool camo shorts. i never said a word. watching him figure out life is...beyond my words.
my daughter begged to be read a poetry book for girls...she has her mama's love for words...written...spoken...unspoken.
my husband came home and found his family lying in the dark on the trampoline watching for fireflies.
he started a fire in the fire pit, changed his clothes, and roasted marshmallows.
we ended the evening as a family...lying together...staring at the incredible night sky. the brilliance of the bright stars in the vastness of the dark sky.
my life...it warms my heart.
i am so very undeserving.
but i will so humbly accept and thankfully drink in every single moment of His incredible Mercy.
i only wish that i could offer such evenings to the many hurting and unloved children in this world...my prayers are always with them.
eternity...days like these...i glimpse His Love...His Tenderness...Him.
i love Him so much.
My Quivers
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
nothing a little bootie shakin and food dyes cannot solve
i confess, after posting my last blog entry i:
- let the kids watch sponge bob square pants (gasp...i know...he makes my brain hurt)
- busted out HAIRBO gummy bears (double gasp...i know...i know...i threw all caution to the wind with food dyes and high fructose corn syrup)
- blasted usher in my ears and shook "the bootie" while cleaning my house...oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh my gosh (i just love that song)
- smiled as my son...the one who was extra autistic today...took his outta the box thinking and had me tape his light saber and sword to his arms...so he "could practice his skills" outside
- taught my little shadow how to cook vegan spaghetti with spaghetti squash and gf garlic bread...divine.
- decided that my sweet little shadow...who was extra clingy today...is the perfect storm...the passion of her mommy coupled with the intensity of her daddy...and i am a better person because of her.
- smiled as my children...the ones who did not in fact get the memo...decorated our table with a white sheet, plates, "honeybuns" aka honey suckle flowers, and handmade cloth napkins...for their daddy...hahahaha...i love those non-memo-gettin-kiddos
- sighed a great big sigh of relief after dinner as OA swept said kiddos off into the other room which allowed me some TIME ALONE! (admit it...best gift ever)
- decided that i love that i hate overly commercialized holidays...they always end up being a great big reminder that my quirky family is in fact...quirky...but at the end of the day...be the day good or bad...i know that we are just the way God has ordained us to be. and that always makes me smile!
ba hum bug
sitting alone on yet another mother's day
my husband is out serving every other mother this day of days while his wife once again spends "her day" alone with their children.
it gets so old...being alone on holidays.
it gets even older...the over hyped expectation of each and every holiday. my kids never get the memos.
my son with autism only seems that much more autistic.
my daughter who loves me to the point of suffocation...only holds on that much tighter...leaving me barely able to breathe.
and everyone around us seems to be celebrating...matching...smiling...sending out the "this is so easy message"
today, my daughter is whining...extra loud.
today, my son is lost in his own world...glaring off into space and talking to himself. he is angry because it didn't go the way he wanted..."it" being life. and being my child, coupled with autism, he is beyond incapable of faking it.
so she pouts, and he glares, and i try to worship...and then the overly hungry family goes grocery shopping amidst the sea of happy mother's day flowers, cards, families.
blah
i just want my exhausted husband to come home. i need my anchor. the man who almost always immediately makes these kind of days better. the daddy the kiddos cannot stand to disappoint...autism...whining...what-have-you.
i just want tomorrow to come...so the pressures of being alone and living a far from "normal" life will leave my shoulders.
i just want to finally let go of all expectations.
i really just pray that my children know that i feel most celebrated when they are peacefully asleep, or during our unsolicited conversations about God, love, and all things important to their hearts, or the stolen moments away during a good long run.
run...that's the problem...i should've started my "holiday" out with a good long run...the special place where my feet meet the road and my heart meets my Creator. where i trample all of my expectations and sweat away the sorrow's of my soul.
sigh.
for every mother out there who ends up mostly alone on holidays, for every mom out there who has lost a child, for every woman who desperately longs to hold a baby in her arms yet cannot, for all the mommy's who secretly want to run away: i hate mother's day, too.
for the rest of you...ba hum bug! hehe...that actual made me smile!! ;)
my husband is out serving every other mother this day of days while his wife once again spends "her day" alone with their children.
it gets so old...being alone on holidays.
it gets even older...the over hyped expectation of each and every holiday. my kids never get the memos.
my son with autism only seems that much more autistic.
my daughter who loves me to the point of suffocation...only holds on that much tighter...leaving me barely able to breathe.
and everyone around us seems to be celebrating...matching...smiling...sending out the "this is so easy message"
today, my daughter is whining...extra loud.
today, my son is lost in his own world...glaring off into space and talking to himself. he is angry because it didn't go the way he wanted..."it" being life. and being my child, coupled with autism, he is beyond incapable of faking it.
so she pouts, and he glares, and i try to worship...and then the overly hungry family goes grocery shopping amidst the sea of happy mother's day flowers, cards, families.
blah
i just want my exhausted husband to come home. i need my anchor. the man who almost always immediately makes these kind of days better. the daddy the kiddos cannot stand to disappoint...autism...whining...what-have-you.
i just want tomorrow to come...so the pressures of being alone and living a far from "normal" life will leave my shoulders.
i just want to finally let go of all expectations.
i really just pray that my children know that i feel most celebrated when they are peacefully asleep, or during our unsolicited conversations about God, love, and all things important to their hearts, or the stolen moments away during a good long run.
run...that's the problem...i should've started my "holiday" out with a good long run...the special place where my feet meet the road and my heart meets my Creator. where i trample all of my expectations and sweat away the sorrow's of my soul.
sigh.
for every mother out there who ends up mostly alone on holidays, for every mom out there who has lost a child, for every woman who desperately longs to hold a baby in her arms yet cannot, for all the mommy's who secretly want to run away: i hate mother's day, too.
for the rest of you...ba hum bug! hehe...that actual made me smile!! ;)
Monday, May 3, 2010
yes it is five am
a few early am thoughts on four hours of sleep before a five am run:
my reflective vest is oh-so sexy
my dogs just looked at me like i was crazy for being outta bed already
coffee can never be too hot or too sweet at this hour
i am quite sure a bird just laughed at me
my reflective vest is oh-so sexy
my dogs just looked at me like i was crazy for being outta bed already
coffee can never be too hot or too sweet at this hour
i am quite sure a bird just laughed at me
Sunday, May 2, 2010
deep sigh
man...oh man...not even sure where to begin?
in my typical manner...i'll start in the middle...and spiral around...because that is the way my brain works.
i went on a run this morning. i stopped taking my medication for anxiety 7 days ago. i also gave up gluten for good...and meat for however long my body allows this go around.
it all started when mermaid questioned why eating other animals was ok...but not ok to eat her dog? well...i found that hard to explain...the hierarchy of animals...so we talked for awhile and it ended with her deciding not to eat meat. (that lasted less than 2 days). but that was all that it took for me to be re-ignited. more because i dusted off my old cookbooks that always brought me such joy...and less because i wanna save the animals...though...the idea of eating flesh has always gnawed at me a bit.
and all things said: granolachic...i began to do some research. i am quite convinced that the PROPER vegan diet is one of the healthiest ways for, at the very least, me to live.
so my run.
it was amazing...and i realized that i was thinking again...and i realized that my medication was a beautiful vacation from my over-active mind...but that all it did was suppress my thoughts...these thoughts...they were just silenced by the whir...whir...whir...of my neurotransmitters being re-uptaked or inhibited...what-have-you.
i really was so very happy. on my meds. maybe not even happy. but content. sigh.
why would i walk away from that?
but i was content just being...and i ceased doing. and i am by the very nature of my soul...a do-er.
during my run all i could think about was the fact that i have always been running...away...in circles...towards...up hills...in more circles...down hills...in more circles...i have done a lot of running in circles and away. but i always come back to where i started. i have given the demons of my past...the bad choices and sins of others more room in my life than necessary.
today on my run i resolved that i did not want to swallow a pill that squelched my spirit...i did not want to run away anymore...i wanted to run...but this time...full throttle...and over the very obstacles that try to pull me down. i am ready to knock those skeletons out of the closet and flat on their arses...for good.
today...i ran a new PR (personal record). it was the hardest run that i have accomplished thus far...and i gutted the last leg out...and the rest of the day...mostly sucked. and i went to reach for my pills...and i wanted to wash them down with a gulp of wine...but instead...i prayed...i apologized to my children...and i decided to write to whomever would listen.
and the rest of my days may include extreme moodiness...possible anxiety attacks...more apologies...reconciling my trust issues...leaning on His understanding and not my own...bouts of depression...lots of laughter...re-arranging the house to the point of insanity...knitting, sewing, reading, and writing (all of which were halted due to lack of interest while on the meds)...and lots and lots of running.
and in the end...i may be swallowing a pill again...but this time...if that is the answer He gives...it will not be because i am running away...it will be because that is the only way to run over.
in my typical manner...i'll start in the middle...and spiral around...because that is the way my brain works.
i went on a run this morning. i stopped taking my medication for anxiety 7 days ago. i also gave up gluten for good...and meat for however long my body allows this go around.
it all started when mermaid questioned why eating other animals was ok...but not ok to eat her dog? well...i found that hard to explain...the hierarchy of animals...so we talked for awhile and it ended with her deciding not to eat meat. (that lasted less than 2 days). but that was all that it took for me to be re-ignited. more because i dusted off my old cookbooks that always brought me such joy...and less because i wanna save the animals...though...the idea of eating flesh has always gnawed at me a bit.
and all things said: granolachic...i began to do some research. i am quite convinced that the PROPER vegan diet is one of the healthiest ways for, at the very least, me to live.
so my run.
it was amazing...and i realized that i was thinking again...and i realized that my medication was a beautiful vacation from my over-active mind...but that all it did was suppress my thoughts...these thoughts...they were just silenced by the whir...whir...whir...of my neurotransmitters being re-uptaked or inhibited...what-have-you.
i really was so very happy. on my meds. maybe not even happy. but content. sigh.
why would i walk away from that?
but i was content just being...and i ceased doing. and i am by the very nature of my soul...a do-er.
during my run all i could think about was the fact that i have always been running...away...in circles...towards...up hills...in more circles...down hills...in more circles...i have done a lot of running in circles and away. but i always come back to where i started. i have given the demons of my past...the bad choices and sins of others more room in my life than necessary.
today on my run i resolved that i did not want to swallow a pill that squelched my spirit...i did not want to run away anymore...i wanted to run...but this time...full throttle...and over the very obstacles that try to pull me down. i am ready to knock those skeletons out of the closet and flat on their arses...for good.
today...i ran a new PR (personal record). it was the hardest run that i have accomplished thus far...and i gutted the last leg out...and the rest of the day...mostly sucked. and i went to reach for my pills...and i wanted to wash them down with a gulp of wine...but instead...i prayed...i apologized to my children...and i decided to write to whomever would listen.
and the rest of my days may include extreme moodiness...possible anxiety attacks...more apologies...reconciling my trust issues...leaning on His understanding and not my own...bouts of depression...lots of laughter...re-arranging the house to the point of insanity...knitting, sewing, reading, and writing (all of which were halted due to lack of interest while on the meds)...and lots and lots of running.
and in the end...i may be swallowing a pill again...but this time...if that is the answer He gives...it will not be because i am running away...it will be because that is the only way to run over.
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