hope...there is hope...

so...i have worried about j-bob's future...is he going to resent not being able to eat pizza with his friends? how on earth can teenage-hood occur WITHOUT cheese dip?? will he ever fall in love, and if so will she be willing to endure cooking all of his special foods?

well...tonight i found a website: glutenfreesoyfreevegan

the author is a college student...oh my...there is hope...and how wonderful for me (not that i should matter)...if he happens upon a passionate foodie soul. he actually asked me the other day:

J: mommy? who will i marry?

M: ummm...well...honey...whomever God has you fall in love with

J: well...mommy...what if she says yes?

M: that's great...then you have chosen the right girl...

J: well...mommy...what if she says no...will i come home and live with you again?

M: well...if she says no...she's missing out...and yes...you can most def come home and live with me...but if you start asking God now to help you ask the right one...then maybe she won't say no.

J: so i'll be a daddy too...like you and daddy?

M: sigh...oh baby...mommy is NOT ready for you to grow up...

J: well mommy...i like anakin, r2d2, and obewankenobe

M: (thank God...much more comfortable with this kindof conversation) oh darlin'...i love you so much!!

note to self...we are NOT watching whatever movie it was that prompted this conversation...i am thinking it was beethoven 2...not sure...but will be screening EVERYTHING from here on out!

2nd note to self...if you would have promised me last year that this year my son would be capable of such back and forth...thought filled conversation...i would have burst into tears...screw the fact that he has to see things on tv to grasp their meanings...i will take every single amazing cotton pickin precious little thought that child shares with me!

sincerest-most-heartfelt-thankfulest-SIGH-ever...

slacker

i apologize for the lack of posting this last month or more...

i played around this am with new templates...i guess the blog gods want it to stay this way, because i can't change it to anything else...i liked this background alot...but it seems so dark and dreary...kind of debbie downerish...

so i am exhausted...wanted you to know...i made three A's and one C!!!

i got through this semester of my life...it's been THE most challenging thing i have ever done...not the school part...the marriage, motherhood, and money part. with the fear of totally over-sharing...all i can say is...i can't believe jon and i have survived. by the Grace of God...we have survived...we are stronger today than we've ever been...but it's taken some serious prayer, self-assessment, and love...and change...we have both been willing to open up...and change.

i have always wanted an out-of-the-box life...i have gotten it...i love it...i am thankful for it...and it breaks me every day...and broken is exactly how i hope to stay.

just a bit melancholy this evening...thank you all dear readers...this little blog (much like my running) has become free therapy...and a place of kindred friendships...the prayers you have said have helped hold my family together...

so i hope to have some light-hearted humor next post...beware...i haven't ranted of worms or bras in sometime...speaking of bras...HOW IN THE WORLD...is mine still on...the conservative liberal in me is mentally burning a stack of under wire satan bras right now!

sigh...i feel better already!

borrowed from my other blog

today i ran a 5-K with my friend...the jingle bell run by the rivermarket in little rock, ar...it was great fun...here's my post:

this was not a good race for Type A's as without a moment's notice...the race began...i stood there...people not even sort of organized thinking: what the...are you kidding me!!??

i did in fact have terror in my eyes as we could barely move much less run...my sistah (being the laid back chicca that she is) calmly took my hand and guided us through a maze of crazies: dogs, elfs, santas, hood ornament trophy wives...seriously...they were worse than the random dog poo in the road...i am so thankful i have a sole sistah who truly wants to run from within...some women today had makeup so thick, hair so perfected, and bodies so thin...i wondered if they even recognized who they were anymore...

anyhow...i have to say my new best friend is "cliff"...the few times i have eaten him prior to running...have been the best runs...BUT...i knew something was wrong when i kept having to glance over my shoulder to locate my friend...the blood donor...there was one point when i got pretty worried as my sistah DOESN'T STOP...EVER...i thought i was going to have to trip her and throw her skinny arse over my shoulders to finish the race...i learned today that my dear friend is STUBBORN...let's just say...i don't recommend giving a pint of blood and then running a race...though...i am so glad that we had to slow down...

there was a lady ahead of us...she was steadily hanging in there...she wasn't the smallest or the youngest...but man...she was tough...i wanted to cheer her on, but didn't want to seem patronizing...i didn't want to pass her, either...i was proud of her...it was very clear to me that she was taking her life back over...she ended up beating us...it was wonderful!

but there is a more vivid memory for me...one that has nicely haunted me all day...the race's course was a down and back...we made a loop around a block so we were able to watch everyone that was well ahead of us and also see the faces of those we were in front of...as i was taking in all the faces, feeling the music through my body, the sun on my face, and enjoying the faint jingle-jingle-jingle...i noticed that there was a mom pushing her child in a special wheel chair...they were last...only the police escorts followed them...i am sure my heart almost exploded and my breathing paused...any mom willing to bring her special needs child to a 5K is not a mom asking for pity...so i did not allow pity to pulse through my mind...instead...admiration...inspiration...i want to push someone who cannot physically do it themselves...i want them to have those moments...outside...people...life...what a race...

i am so glad my neurotic sidekick made us do this...life is in fact...good...sigh!

autism

i just read another mom's post...my heart is bleeding with pain for her thoughts, fears, worries, everyday concerns...we take so much for granted...

if you have a child capable of looking you in the eyes, and hugging you, and understanding their needs...

if you know the sound of: i wuv you, mama...

my God...do you need anything else...?

one year ago i realized my son was on the autistic spectrum...i don't know if that's when i stopped breathing...or finally started living...i will forever be thankful for my love of research...i think i have read more books this year than my entire life combined...

is jaden recovered? no.

is he better than he was a year ago? my God, yes.

does he have friends? incredible ones.

does he have a long journey ahead? who doesn't?

will he be ok? i believe!

has he already changed lives? undoubtedly!

do i still have mind-numbing attacks of panic and worry? all the time...but i am learning they are not just over autism...mermaid's behavior had no definition...no biomedical protocol...i guess i am at least thankful for some things 'autism'...actually...many things 'autism'...i celebrate my son's uniqueness...i just want his brain to be unclouded and his body to be healthy.

have i stopped comparing him to others? sigh...that's the hardest part ever...i just have to constantly tell myself...let it go...you wanted an out-of-the-box child...celebrate him...just the way he is today...if he never recovers beyond what he has today...be am thankful for every single step he's worked so hard for...

he's a fighter...my little boy...not so little anymore...double sigh...what does his future hold?

to all of the other mom's out there...hold on...

hold on to the small steps
hold on to your God
hold on to your other children
hold on to your husband
hold on to the friends and family that support you
hold on to the generosity of others
hold on to your hopes, your dreams, your faith
just hold on

don't stop living...your children need a whole mother...don't let autism rob more than your child's mind! this has been the hardest year of my entire life...and when there is nothing more for me to do...i just keep holding on...