autism awareness month

Why do strangers assume i am rude
can they not see my smiling eyes?
can they not hear my silent voice

whispering
calling
begging:

do not judge me...i am not a bad child...
i want to express myself properly...

do you think i like hearing noises no one else can hear?
fixating on a sound
(drip, drip, drip)
searing my brain with frustration-I CANNOT HANDLE IT-

i cover my ears...it doesn't help...
(drip, drip, drip)
my head begins to shake...i clinch my ears harder...
(drip, drip, drip)
doesn't anyone else hear that sound??!!

Finally, i scream and scream-at last-
(relief)
my own scream drowns the unrelenting sound....

my voice...no longer silent...

why do they stare?
do they not understand?
will they ever understand?
if only i could silently scream...


********************************************************************************

april is autism awareness month...let's spend this month loving those with differences a little more...and judging those who cannot communicate to society's standards a little less...

sometimes...i think the jay-miester has a better world than many...as he typically doesn't realize when others are ridiculing him...as his diet and supplements coupled with his therapies begin to recover him...his heart has begun to pick up on the mean-ness of others a bit more often...his compassion is always sincere...a bit over the top at times...but never manufactured...when he experiences a social injustice lately...he pulls his hands into his chest...clinches his fists...his body shakes with frustration: i am soooo angrwy...uuurrrhhhhh....

i love his honesty...his inability to fake his way through life...it's quite refreshing...again...let's spend this month embracing the uniqueness of others...individualtiy...isn't that what our society screams for?

Journal entry

I picked up one of my four half-filled journals i have started and never kept up over the years...i flipped to this:

It's springtime-spring stirs up so many feelings. i guess it wakes up the inner parts of my heart.

Letting go...not something that can be taught or learned...simply a process that occurs
over time...letting go of past hurts, fears, loved ones, bitterness and resentment, cherished
moments lost to time...

Holding on...an instinct we're born with...an emotion so strong the words actually reach up
...grip your heart...cling...my children cling to me as i cling to them...as we all cling to God...

Why is letting go so hard and hanging on so easy?

Can i teach my children to cling to what is pure and let go of what is evil? to protect them from
themselves????

*************************************************************************************

i am sure i know what prompted this entry...it's funny...because just today as i started my run...i had to re-direct my mind...to this day...i have to be careful what music i listen to as certain songs will instantly transport my mind back to the past...i was a very different person...with very different dreams...sometimes...on a rare occasion...that person tries to hijack my thoughts...i hate those moments...i feel guilty for those moments...i love my life...wouldn't change anything...YET...i pray my children learn to make good choices...funny...today the mermaid was playing with her babies, and i heard her say: we need to make good choices...was that a good choice?

how i pray those words never leave my children's thoughts...regret...it's an ugly, ugly feeling...

glimpse

there are moments of good things...great things...that make you keep holding on...pressing forward...for more of those moments...this morning was one such moment...our friends were playing the worship set at church...they played Michael W. Smith's Let It Rain's opening...

when we miscarried...my mom was actually a bit concerned because i was "handling it all too well"...(clearly very little time around me reflects that i am on the emotional end of the spectrum)...i was sad...disappointed...but strong...until i got in my car...something about my car is cathartic for me...always has been...long drives are the best alone time with yourself and with God...anyhow...i would listen to that song...and cry...huge...unrelenting...God-why-me...tears...

so hearing that song when my life is blessed with two of the most beautiful children i have ever laid my eyes on...with a husband, equally beautiful and strong, worshipping beside me...i was overwhelmed with thankfulness...my mind stilled...my heart quieted...my eyes saw nothing...but Him...for a moment...just a brief moment...i got a glimpse of His goodness...a real glimpse of Him...and as soon as my mind realized that this is the intimacy i have been struggling for...SNAP...i lost focus...lost my glimpse...but it was beautiful...

my life...sigh...so amazingly...incredibly...unbelievably blessed...deeper sigh...there were moments...years ago...in my car...late at night...i would scream and beat my fits in anger...i just knew i would be alone the rest of my life...throwing my heart carelessly at those who always threw it back...broken...used...hardended...sometimes i worry that there's not as much of my heart to give to the OA...because i gave so much of it away in the past...but then i have these moments...and today i can't remember the pain...can't remember the anger...can't fathom the loneliness...i truly have more than i ever dreamed of for myself...

this morning...my glimpse...intimacy with Him...it's not so scary...leaves me wanting more...and then...it rained all day...

THE BLOG

ok...so i really have to confess...i am hopelessly in love with "the blog"...i don't even think in self-talk thoughts any longer...it's all in blog...i catch myself...esp on my 30 minute drive to work...summarizing all my thoughts in blogger layout...it's getting bad...i think my husband is starting to feel jealous...

that's not the worst of it all...not only is my brain in constant blog-motion...i am running to the pc to check my favorite blogs for their latest posts (i tried to explain the blog phenomenon to OA: it's your favorite book that you never want to end with a new chapter constantly being added)...and if there are no new posts...i trickle onto other's favorite blogs...

and then there's the ultimate: BLOG COMMENTS...it's like waiting for the phone call after a first date...i pull up my blog...my heart's out-pour...my inner-most private thoughts...thrown into cyber space for all to see...judge...comment...

my pulse quickens as i watch the loading bar at the bottom...
now my heart is racing...as my familar pics begin staring back at me....
thump.
thump.
thump...
sigh...no comments...

and then ten minutes later...(you know...because maybe someone is up and reading at 1 am in the morning)...YYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! there's a comment...my heart is literally skipping with glee...they love me...love my thoughts...i am touching people's lives...oh such joy...as the blog comment...

my knitting needles are getting a bit frusterated...feeling a tad left out...they require so much more...the constant clicking of their give.give.give mentality...sigh...but my blog...it requires nothing more than the touch of a few buttons...oh blog...where have you been all my life!?

Dreamers

i am a dreamer...

my closets are cleaner than my toilets...

my three year old likes coffee...

my four year old loves pokemon...

and my grown husband cherishes his xbox 360...

one day i will learn to play my purple guitar...

i will never measure up to my own expectations...

i will only find peace in Him...

i will run a marathon before i die...

i will travel to Africa and fight for those less fortunate...

my house will always be dustier than it should...

but my floors will be swept five times...

mermaid loves to dance...

jay-bob loves to play...

their daddy hung the moon...

i am blessed...

motion

last summer (or two summers ago...who knows) i caught myself glaring at a hot mom on the beach while we were on vacation...not only did i split my capris (my fat-pants-capris) on that trip...i also had a good friend ask me if i was four months pregnant...AND not one time (in beautiful FWB, FL!!??) did i put on a bathing suit...

This was my second summer to not take my kids swimming past the kiddy pool in our back yard...RIDICULOUS! i took every energy and fat burning pill...i did weight watchers...i thought it had to be my thyroid...(or the 30 year mark for my body with two kids)...

it all started to change when i gave up meat for almost 6 months...as healthy as i think being a vegetarian is...i don't think vegetarianism was the answer as much as having to stop and think about EVERYTHING i put into my mouth...not to mention...vegetarian diets aren't usually embraced by the fast food *chemical* chains we were frequenting all too often...

and then i discovered: running...or in my case 'junning'...as it's way more of a jog than a run...the key to running? good tunes...good shoes...hydration...will power...

i love running...i love how i feel after i have done just one more song longer than i thought i could...i love pushing myself...the alone time i have with my thoughts and my God...He speaks to me when i run...sometimes i can run long and sometimes i have to be satisfied with just walking...sometimes i look at my goal...the end of the street...i demand myself to keep my eyes firmly fixed on my goal...other times i only allow myself to look one foot in front of the other....one step at a time...you can do this...don't stop...don't give up...one more step...

always...i am sad that it's over...always...i am a better person for doing it...always...i teach my kiddos that feeling good is an active choice...we have to choose to be happy...we have to choose to be healthy...we have to choose to refuse a mediocre life...

i will never again be the one who glares at a mom because she is healthy enough to wear a bathing suit and play with her children on the beach...i will not settle for what my 31 year old body tries to tell me is acceptable...God has blessed me with the ability to be in motion...with the ability to teach my daughter how to have a positive self-image...how not to hate her body for the things she can control and how important it is to have an outlet...a release for more than the way it makes me look...rather the way it makes me feel....the time it gives me to think...clear the clutter of my thoughts...enjoy God's creations...it's powerful...it's exhilarating...

it's EXHAUSTING...let's be honest...i feel every dang muscle in my out of shape body...BUT I LOVE IT!! bunions and all!!!!

The Merminator

the estrogen pool (my description of female gatherings) is usually a bit too deep for me to swim in...for instance...during a women's retreat one weekend we were sitting around a breakfast table...me (on not enough sleep) and a round table full of unknown females...the unknown females were discussing their children...the discussion was about style...the unknown moms were discussing their expectations for their individual child's style...of course blue hair and black clothes were not on their list of hopes...

i put my coffee cup down and pretty much blurted out..."well...my worst fear is that my child will want to sport a short hair cut and a polo shirt..." the looks on their faces were worth the energy it took to speak before finishing my entire cup of coffee...but really...i am terrified of having a preppy child...oh, the Oversized Asian is praying for it...but we all know mama prayers are pretty powerful...

as i was saying...the Merminator...well...this child...she is so impossible to define...even now...as i am typing...chills are up and down my spine...i think God is going to have me put my patience where my mouth is...even now...i don't regret not wanting polo cladden children...if my husband would let me...i would have blue tipped hair and facial piercings...don't worry...it will never happen...i am married to a man who wants to hide my tie-dyed shirts...

ANYHOW...my daughter is a free spirit...i am so thankful God knew how much i really needed a daughter...she challenges me on everything...EVERYTHING...she's the only three year old, i am sure, that knows the phrase: your incessant whining is making mommy's brain hurt...PLEASE...for the love of all that's holy...PLEASE STOP WHINING!!

YET, there are those stolen moments...when she plays with my hair...kisses my face...dances like a total goof...trips over her own feet, and her brothers, and mine...mentions God...tells me i am her best friend and that when she grows up she wants to have straight hair like mommy...

sigh...she is so beautiful...so head strong...so fiercely intense...deeper sigh...i have a feeling PDD is going to be one of the easiest parts of my journey through motherhood...it's so scary to teach the importance of being an individual and then to try and step out of said individuals way to do so...i think i need to give my daughter more room to be who she already is...do a little more listening and a little less deep sighing...maybe she wants to look at me and say: mommy...your incessant sighing is making my brain hurt...PLEASE...just hush and play with me...

well...if she had her wishes i would just hold her all day...deepest sigh...all too soon i am sure that i will regret that i didn't...

non-cheese sally's cheese dip

ok...drum roll please...for everyone who has ever gone vegan or gfcf...giving up cheese dip has to be one of the most ridiculous requests EVER!

i stumbled across a GREAT blog: gluten free goddess

she has won my heart eternally...i have recently shared at least five or more "uncheese" cheese dip meals with my dear cheese dip loving children...oversized asian has his own set of sensory issues because he can't bring himself to try it due to the veggie content...sigh...it's our love of ice cream and pizza cuisines that hold our tastes together...

anyhow...my best friend (Sybil)...i feel foolish for saying that at the age of 31...but she is an amazingly dear friend that i have had the privilege of being "BFF's" with since FIRST GRADE!! that's another blog that must go down in blog history...ANYHOW..it's a wonder we had girlish figures in high school because i bet we feasted on Mrs. Sally's cheese dip tri-weekly...the other days of the week were for McDonald's and rotel...FOCUS...sorry...so the other day i was making the gluten free goddess's mac and cheese recipe and BAM...it dawned on me...Sally's cheese dip...i got to thinking and BAM...we have before us my creation of...

NON-CHEESE SALLY'S CHEESE DIP

4 T olive oil

5 T Sweet White Rice Flour

whisk together over med-med high heat like you were making gravy

SLOWLY add 2ish cups of desired milk alternative

continue whisking...

add 1 Cup pureed butternut squash

let simmer whisking as needed

(turn heat down to med)

add chili powder

cumin

garlic salt

paprika

some jalapeno juice

**get creative...i bet even adding rotel may be good...need to check it's gluten-freeness**

it thickens as it cooks...you can always create a thicker sauce by adding more flour in the beginning...or thin it by adding more milk...

i will try to post a picture if we ever have enough leftover...truly this has been a blessing in our house! even NT kids not on a special diet can benefit from this (Mermaid loves it!) as it's a great sneaky way to get squash into a child's body!! next, i am going to try white cheese dip by adding pureed cauliflower and green chilies to the mixture...will post results! please, if anyone tries this or other variations...post results!!

i wonder if the jay-bob would actually eat meat if i added it...hmmm...then there's the whole "moo-morning" shout we give to the local cows as we pass by them in their pastures...sigh...i always hope they accept my heartfelt "moo-pology" for every family member i may have eaten in the past...i have neurotic guilt issues over eating flesh...anyhow...yet another blog...happy non-cheese dipping my friends...

closure

Closure...so often we avoid this very important part of the healing process...at least...for me...it's healing...i am one who will toss and turn for days (not hours...endless days and nights) struggling internally if i am in conflict with another...it tortures my soul. i talk to the person...they talk back(all in my mind...i often think i could be certifiable)...and until i can actually have the conversation...i have no peace.

there are people in this life, on our journeys, who hurt us beyond words...years pass...nightmares come and go...memories...well...i don't have too many memories...i don't know if my mind doesn't hold on to memories...or if it's a very well reheresed defense mechanism of my soul...anyhow...

people...bad people...who are broken...have seen bad things, done bad things, and hold onto their bad memories...the memories of things we do to hurt others, i think, have to sting much much more...regret...regrets make me my stomach ache, my heart cringe, and my soul sick...

i had the opportunity to see and speak with my childhood bad memory yesterday...i walked over to his table...he introduced me to his family (my family's replacement...how i hope we were a good learning curve for them...), we exchanged plesantries...i hugged him...i looked right into my former step father's eyes...

i am pretty sure...i saw...pangs of regret...i walked away...i moved on...it is over...

i have had the good fortune to meet other people after their life change...after they met God...after their family's pain had been inflicted...and they are amazing people...humbled by Grace and Mercy...and i wish i could speak to their families and share what a blessing they are...i cannot put my mind around who they used to be...

i think that has helped me the most...the realization that people can change...i have to live with occassional nightmares...but they are infrequent...i don't have to live with the bitterness and resentment of an unforgiving heart...i am thankful...thankful that forgiveness comes almost too easily for me...thankful that i am naive, still...despite my past...thankful that my husband will never put his hands on me or my children...thankful that my children will only know a stable and loving home...thankful that my mom, my brother, and myself survived...more than survived...have been blessed in abundance...overcome...moved on.

closure...

chicken licking

what do you get when you cross a pokemon movie with a highly motivated four and a half year old with HUGE sensory defensiveness........CHICKEN LICKING!!!!!

hey, licking a chicken breast is a HUGE step in this house for mr jay-bob...HUGE...i screamed with excitement as i watched it on my phone (oversized asian texted a video to me while i was still at church...he stayed home with the kiddos because they were way too tired..anyhow).

my dearest son touched, held, brought a chicken breast to his dear sensitive little lips and licked!! did i mention that this was HUGE!!??

my son's an official chicken licker...i am a chicken licker's mother...i rather like the sound of that...never mind i am suedo-vegetarian...let's just get through these days of chicken licking before i begin the plight of the de-beaked chicken saga...it's really horrible...if you have never researched it...and if you like good feelings of your son licking a chicken...don't think about the de-beaking process of that particular chicken's life...or non life...i think our chicken, our licked chicken, is actually a bit satisfied with her life...or non life...i mean...she actually got licked by a boy who has never in his life been able to even cast his eyes on the seared flesh of a dead bird...ok...ok...sorry...tonight...for all said purposes...CHICKEN LICKIN' IS GOOD!

Dx-Day

"if you have any questions, feel free to circle it"

i didn't circle anything...i read the report...it was a good report...well it was an accurate report...it was a necessary report...and it was a report that many many moms would happily receive.

i smiled...joked...asked thoughtful behavior-ish questions...i only shed two tears at the end...only two...i brushed them off my cheek...took my signature sigh...and smiled again.

my life is so blessed...even now as the tears are rushing down my face...i know that my life is so very blessed...

i wrote this poem the same year jay-bob was born...diagnosis...no diagnosis...nothing will ever rob me of the joy i feel everytime i look at one of my children...joy and pain...can you have one without the other?

Mirror Image

When I look at you I see

a reflection of our love staring back at me.

Your soft eyes shine with a happiness only God can explain...

I pray that He protects you and keeps you from pain.

May Angels dance around your heart and sing you to sleep.

Your life is so precious, in my arms may I keep!

Our ears waited expectantly for your laugh (sounds so dear)

What was our life like before you were here...

The cherished touch your little hands bring and

the big slobbery wet kisses all over our faces,

The messes, the spills, in all the wrong places...

Sleepless nights, lots of prayers, cries waking the night,

Grew our hearts, blessed our life, made regrets all seem right...

Thank you God for this angel You have allowed us to borrow,

May he know You,

and love You,

and keep You

in all his tomorrows!

hyb 2003

deep sigh

when i was a little girl, maybe four years old, i would lie awake at night and search out my window for a star...because wishes were granted at night on stars...and i had many wishes...two of them remained constant...i wished for a doll...i wished for my dad.

at the age of five, somehow, i knew that the only dad i would ever know is God. i think that's what has made it hard for me to really wrap my mind around His Greatness...i am overwhelmed with His Mercy...i feel His Comfort...but the Power and the Beauty...what does one know of such things at five?

i cannot still my mind long enough to really worship the way i want to worship...it pains me...i love Him, appreciate Him, adore Him...i want to FEEL HIM! it's the intimacy i struggle with...it invades many other areas of my life...the word "intimacy" makes my tummy cringe a bit.

i cannot teach what i do not know...i do not know God intimately...am i holding back? i have tried my whole life to not let my past or my childhood become an excuse for my present...i know what i am scared of...i am terrified to trust...so afraid that the minute i completely surrender all that is precious to me (irony is He is the giver of all good things) that they will be ripped away.

how could i view the God who saved my family from the pits of hell as someone who would rip all that i hold dear away from me?

you think you have worked through so much until you hold your children in your arms...all the pain comes back in waves...the fear...how?...how?...can i protect them...sigh...then the hardest realization hits...they aren't mine...i am only borrowing them from Heaven...bigger sigh...and then thankfulness and trust set in...most times...

i guess He knocks down the walls...stupid me builds them back up...how thankful i am that He never gets tired!

an old friend kept a quote above his pc...the closer i get to God, the greater i see my sin...i don't remember who said that...but it sure is true...maybe that's why i struggle with intimacy...deep sigh