my baby isn't a baby anymore

it is official...j-bob graduated kindergarten today...and he was FANTASTIC!

during the a video presentation he was asked:
what do you want to be when you grow up?

his response:
when i grow up...i wanna be a DAD!

he has far exceeded my expectations for this year...

where have the last five years gone?

i told OA today...j-bob is my first of everything...

mermaid is my last of everything...

childhood is fleeting and in so many other parts of the world...unheard of...

cherish it!

celebrate it!

painful memories

so my brother texted me the other night...he was having a dark day...which is unusual for him...
i, too, have been struggling the last few days...i am wondering if something monumentally yuck happened around this time of year when we were younger? eerily, there are definite triggers lurking around begging for the opportunity to smash down nicely built walls around the heart.

last night, i sat down with big tears chasing each other down my cheeks...i began to literally pour my feelings out to my husband. ironically in my house, when i get quiet...OA instantly knows something is bothering me...when i get distant...he never pushes (he did in the beginning...but has learned over time...that doesn't work)...he gives ample space...just sits quietly beside me...however many days it may take...and then when i am ready...i finally spill all of my haunting thoughts...the funny part is that i don't realize that i am being so quiet...so cynical...so distant...i don't realize how trapped i am in my mind...how i am drowning myself with memories...until that moment...usually with the help of a glass of wine...almost always sitting in the bath tub...as the hot water burns me back into reality...tears and sweat sting my face...the steam cleanses my thoughts...it all rushes out...emotions...memories...fears...hopes...

my confession last night: i am terrified of being happy. i am terrified of believing in Love. my life seems too good. i am too blessed. i don't deserve any of this. i am just waiting for God to rip someone i Love away from me.

in God's defense...i know in my heart He does not operate this way...it is my mind...the great tormentor of my life...that i am constantly battling negative thoughts back into submission.

and then there is my husband...never failing...never flinching...the calm in my storm...my strong emotions have not once made him blink...he is...the strongest man i know...and as terrified as i am to admit...the absolute love of my life...and the most astounding part is that it is such a quiet yet solid love...a love that is whispered daily into my life...a love that when i am not listening for properly...i fail to hear...solid, unwavering, soft, and strong.

for so many years i have mistaken the face of love...God whispers His Love...too many times it is unheard...my husband...my blessing in disguise...how eternally thankful i am for your undying faithfulness...may the roar of my Love and the whisper of your Love...cling tightly to the promises of His Love...

SUCCESS

so, j-bob ate FIVE big bites of his karina's mulligatawny soup at school today!!! this is a landmark moment in this house! of course, he got a toy...but that boy earned it! he requested that we not do soup again...but he liked it...so i suggested that we only have soup once a week...every thursday...he obliged...so...soup on thursdays...it is!

tonight i made: gfcfsf vegan (egg free) nut free karina's pizza...and it was FANTASTIC! OA was here to serve it up...we added galaxy's gfcfsf "cheese" which was actually quite tasty on the pizza...he said that j-bob was asking for another piece with the first bite in his mouth...AND...he promptly requested it for his lunch tomorrow...sigh...what a wonderful feeling...to see him so excited about food again!

i have to say that his willingness to try new foods always expands with consistency AND supplements. low zinc (which is seen frequently in ASD) is said to affect the taste of foods...very interesting! he is up to eating 2 carrot sticks a day in his lunch. we shall see what tomorrow holds...today...i am thankful.

Re-Post of one of my first: Light

just today i had the opportunity to serve a family of three...a father...a mother...and an adolescent daughter...with autism...and not just autism...cerebral palsy...you know...just for added measure...

i never would have guessed autism, until i looked down at the father's wrist and noticed his blue autism awareness bracelet...of course...immediately...there was much to talk about.

mostly i listened...briefly...i had the opportunity to look into the mother's eyes as she was tending to their daughter...in her eyes...i saw...nothing........emptiness.......

maybe it was her dark day...but maybe...as i listened to the father...maybe it was more than that...maybe she was so exhausted, so consumed, so needed for so many years with no relief in sight...maybe she really was empty...

my heart is aching...i am angry for her...at what point does a mother look up to heaven and scream: GIVE ME MY CHILD...THE CHILD I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF...THE CHILD I HAVE PRAYED FOR...GIVE ME MY CHILD...PLEASE...!!!???

i looked into her child's eyes twice...she looked back at me both times...her eyes were not empty...they were overflowing with so much expression...i still see those eyes...a burning contrast to her mothers...

sigh...it's so easy to become consumed...i pray for that mother to have the light turned back on in her eyes...that she would be able to see the life in her own daughter's eyes and gain a sense of peace and strength from the very one she is pouring her light into...

may more people reach out to the daughter...stop being afraid of discomfort in the differences...start seeing the light in the eyes of the voiceless...

God...forgive me...i am angry...angry for this family...angry for every family that recovery may not be a possibility...almost willing to sacrifice the obvious recoverability of my son for those less hopeful...i simply cannot imagine a future with no hope...how bleak...how desperate...no wonder there was no light in that mother's eyes...

if this exchange of glances leads to nothing more than the burning flames of my hope to ignite a small spark of hope in that mother's life...through prayer alone...may this moment not go unnoticed...unanswered...unlit

the gluten free goddess wins again!

ok...confession time...i have begun to LOATHE cooking...could it be that i love cheese and wheat so much that not cooking with these very items depress me? could it be that i am tired of measuring 100 different ingredients out in an effort to have a normal pancake? could it be that...i have grown lazy? gotten uncreative? bored with life?

hmmmm...maybe...but maybe it's just apart of my a-typical-mom-role that i constantly battle. i think it may be time to finally admit it: ...i am not the typical mom, and i do not mother typical children, and my husband is far from the typical man...SO...my quirky little family shall just have to learn to co-exist with the normal people in our own quirky little way...

which leads me to: THE gluten free goddess

she rocks it for all meals hypoallergenic...and...i do not wish food allergies upon anyone...but...as "luck" would have it...she cannot have EXACTLY what j-bob cannot have...so i almost never have to substitute! AND...she is a true vegan at heart...BUT...due to an injury a while back she had to add meat back into her diet...WHICH...i respect as i have had to do the same for myself if i want to continue running...UNTIL...i heal my body enough to do without all things carcass.

so...tonight...i made: Vegetarian Mulligatawny

it did not disappoint...by far...one of THE BEST soups i have ever had...i am so thankful for the gluten free goddess...my entire week's menus are planned around her recipes...i will attempt to post each night...tomorrow we shall have apricot glazed meatloaf...and she just posted a vegan version...wonder if i can fool OA??

baby steps granola...baby steps!

will i ever:

run regularly?

run a marathon?

graduate from college?

stay true to the diet that is so healing to my body?

make my kiddos sleep in their own beds?

read my Bible everyday?

have the Spiritual life i have always dreamed of?

go to Africa?

africa

so, i have been slowly falling in love with Africa for around a year or so...it all started with a book about a boy soldier...and has grown intensely from there.

a dear family the Vanclan from our church has recently returned from Ethiopia with two children they have adopted...fantastic story...i am excited to see the next chapter in their lives!

she has a link on how we can help malnourished children in Africa: urgent need.

i will be honest...i have dreamed of a new pair of running shoes...some flowers for my garden...a new pair of running shoes...one gets the picture...for mother's day...but...i simply cannot justify money being spent on me...we are awful about not tithing regularly...i believe in it...but honestly, it's not a good priority in our life (does God take visa??)...a sad reflection of our spiritual immaturity...but i write this blog to be real...and right now...i feel a strong conviction to at a minimum...sacrifice my mother's day gift in honor of a tiny baby...to help be the answer to some mom's fervent prayers...that maybe...He will magnify my small sacrifice to her soul...maybe she will understand His sacrifice, too...

it is time for my family to stop being baby Christians...whatever that means...God...please, take us to another level...i want so much more...not from You...rather...for You.