true thoughts of a person who hasn't run in forever!

just a few thoughts that actually passed my thru my mind on my run today...i will warn all...i am with hormones!

i started my run cursing myself for forgetting to buy tampons at three different stores yesterday...prayed that what i had would suffice...or i was going to be like that chic who won the marathon and started her period half way through...which...i must say...ROCKS...!

then my thoughts went to a dear friend who has likened me to a drug...she says that i make people feel better...and tonight i figured i was more like a black hole...ready to suck the life out of anyone who got near.

then i realized that having such a "gregarious" personality can be...exhausting...and dang it...who is my drug???

then i imagined a married couple driving by me and the wife saying, "dear, isn't that the girl we see running all of the time?" his reply, "why, yes, yes it is!" she says, "darling, isn't she getting...ummm...FATTER!?" and he nods his head in dismay and agrees.

then i thought of sistah...i cursed her for being so freaking healthy...always eating properly (i have inhaled candy bars and msg chips this week...my goodness...bad eating is so tasty)...i dreamed of throwing my shoe at her 7 mile running arse and then running over her with her bike...i was laughing in my head at this point...as we all know i love her dearly...but DANG...she was making me feel inadequate...then i felt God tap me on the shoulder and say: she'd probably give anything to throw one of your kids at you and then run over you with your hot sexy husband...(bitter divorce and has to split time with kiddos up in weeks) so i quickly apologized to sistah and God and said a prayer for her instead.

then my thoughts started looking up...half way through the run...i realized...i am ENJOYING this again!! not only was i enjoying it...i was actually running faster...away from negative thought girl...towards...happy again...drug induced feeling girl...i like being people's drug. it's a gift that God has given me...but when i feel really empty...i need to learn to ask to be filled back up...and only expect God to be the one to do so.

and then i thought of the jones's...how sad i was for those trying to keep up with them...how the jones's really just needed to downsize their house...get rid of half the sheee-crap they own...and just try to keep up with me!

because at the end of this run...all i can do is think of my precious son and the way he dances to the last song on my playlist: that's not my name.

and as i sprinted up the pseudo-hill near my house, i thanked God for the times that i can run...and the friend's and family that i am surrounded with...and the fact that i need to focus on each blessing that i have been given and stop worrying that i am probably the slowest runner in the world...who secretly loves to eat junk food...who has to remain a closet vegan that eats meat with her family everyday.

but mostly that at the end of every run...it is the closest i feel to God...and that...is all i need.

listening to God...brown paper bag

so...i am realizing more and more...how i have only been half listening to God for many years now...probably because the cries and screams of infants and toddlers coupled with the extreme lack of sleep...drowned out most every one's voice. i will never forget sitting (more like-slumping over) a table at a woman's conference after having j-bob. we were supposed to "get to know" each other. the other ladies were dressed nicely, fresh make-up, smiles. i was still wearing yesterday's clothes in which i had slept in...probably had make-up from the following week smudged here and there...and my face was far from smiling a real smile. i just wanted: SLEEP. this sweet unsuspecting lady turned and looked at me went on and on about how often she did devotionals and which ones she did...

then asked: so where/when do you do your devotionals?? (insert her big perky well intentioned grin)

me: (insert my guilt-ridden-blushing-shocked-face)...ummm...on the toilet...?

i mean really moms...there are seasons in our life...and my good friend who happened to also be the wife of a preacher...my preacher...well...he is far from a "preacher"...more like an amazing teacher of the Word...ANYHOW...i confided to her one morning that i was failing miserably as a mom because i never read my Bible. she looked at me with the kindest eyes and reminded me to stop worrying...spend as much time with God as i could...and that doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a "scheduled" devotional...

today...i get what she was saying. those early years (and here is where the brown paper bag comes in...for me to breathe in...because...I AM PAST THOSE YEARS...BIGGEST-SOB-SIGH-SNOT-BUBBLE-SOB...and onto a new season with my kiddos) i learned more about the Heart and Grace and Mercy of God than i have my entire life. being a mom is exhausting...takes you to the brink...and then some...and without God...would have left me sucking my thumb in the fetal position with the covers pulled up over my head.

but because of God...i have been shown so much about what unconditional love, patience, prayer, faith, and trust really and truly look like. i am pretty sure all of those things are personified in the heart and eyes of my precious kiddos. and because of those precious kiddos...and the daddy i have lusted, loved, hated, cursed, loved, and once again lusted (yes marriage is a whole separate blog!), the most amazing daddy i have ever seen...working together through all things said: family.

if you are a new mom...hold tight to these years...you will soon miss sleepless nights...crying with your infant bc you cannot soothe them...diapers...BREASTFEEDING...the way those precious angels latch on...and you...YOU...are giving them all they need to survive...it's so incredible...being a mom...and as much as i desperately cherish those memories...i am excited about (yet brown bag is still close by) what God has for this season. the season of questions, recovery, personality, and learning.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh

have i told all but my dear blog readers???

ummm...NO...i am not pregnant!!

BUT...OA has agreed to let me home school for a trial year. it is something i have dreamed of since before j-bob was born. the desire comes and goes. last year i felt i "had to" because of j-man's issues (but God said NO)...but this year...i simply "get to" bc...that little boy is as recovered as he needs to be...

i am not going to stop helping him along, and i will never stop researching.

BUT...i am satisfied. i love his quirkiness. i only pray God honors the quirky behavior, exceptionally innocent heart, and protects him from evil people.

so back to home schooling (HS)...i felt God tugging again...i began praying...enlisted all of my HS praying moms...and way before i ever expected...OA agreed!!!???

i am going to change my major and finish my degree online in Health Science Education and Promotion. quite fitting actually...only irritated that i did not change it sooner...my major change request sheet is rather embarrassing...but this just feels right. i have invested too much time and money not to finish...and am trusting in God that i will be able to use it, without having to stop homeschooling!!

we have had a rockin summer! it's already flying by too fast. i am reading some books about charlotte mason...if you have never read about her...do so...even if you don't teach or home school...specifically i am reading: For The Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.

that's about it for now...too much to read...but you can now expect this to be a site of biomedical, gardening, gfcfsf...etc etc free, running, AND home schooling!!!!!