Psalm 139

i love this psalm...today i have an hour to myself...my house is empty...messy...and the dishes need to be done...but there are those mornings...if you listen hard enough...you can hear Him calling you...beckoning:

sit down, spend some time with Me...

God amazes me...i have no profound thoughts today...just a thankful spirit...after all these years...when i am finding myself desperately needing meaningful attention...i realize...once again...He's been waiting for me to slow down...and give Him meaningful attention...

those people...who have it together...i think those are the ones who truly stop and simply breathe His Love in...

sigh...maybe that's my way of breathing His Love out...

i am ready for my passionate love affair...i am ready to experience true intimacy with Him.

past hurts...present heals

today my little brother was "officially" sworn in as a lawyer...sigh...i have too many thoughts...feelings...emotions...memories...to even begin a proper introduction to my little brother...

i have always been fiercely protective of him...years ago...i wrote this poem...

begging to stay-
never knowing as we
pulled away i would soon
forget the touch of a daddy's hand,
the comfort in his protection...

instead, learning to fear
those very things

father traded in for step
leaving daddy to be such a
sacred word

kisses of innocence replaced
by acts of lust
hands that held me traded for
hands that hurt-
me and my family
(such a small unit)
founded on fear

so small as i watched my
mother's life damaged
heard her screams-surrounded with my own-
knowing so young
i would not have a youth
seeing my brother destroyed at
the hands of a jealous man
attempting to beat all
recognition of my dad from him.

my little brother...
whom i would live to
protect and nurture.
my seed of happiness planted in a soil
of instability
growing into a man
a future father
who will not run away
from responsibility,
who will not beat and destroy
his family
who will not molest his child's innocence.
instead,
who will be harvested into a Father.

today is a happy day...not sure why my mind brought me to these past words...feelings...emotions...

i think...we have to remember where we've been...to really appreciate where we are...

today...i have an amazing family...my brother is an amazing father...husband...man...and my mom is safe...happy...loved...

i am sure God has a reason for me to share such incredibly personal history...just know...who ever it is that needs to read this...God is big...very very big...He saves, protects, and loves...call on Him...He will answer you...i promise...my family's life...we've overcome...by His Grace and His Mercy...

our past may hurt...but our present can heal...through His Love and Tenderness...we never suffer alone...He can turns our sorrow into dancing...we just have to listen for His music!!

Oh, God...I love and thank You!!

random five

1. i have changed my first random thought six times...
2. i used to hate nose-pickers...lately...finding myself "scratching the ole nose" a bit too much...
3. in high school, i watched my girl 100,000 times...cried every time...
4. have always loved will smith...used to live for monday nights...anticipated the commercial call
from solar every time...
5. growing up...i would close my eyes and picture angels holding hands around my bed...protecting me...if i was really scared...i would pray for them to encircle my whole house...fiery angels...beautiful...yet fierce! (i've always been a bit scrared of storms!)

The 3 B's

1 boredom
2 beer
3 bronzer

so, tonight...i came home...the OA had to leave for work...the kiddos were playing nicely...obviously tired...early bed time for them...i had a Bosco's brewed beer off the tap in my fridge...beautiful evening...so i innocently poured a beer...i cannot resist a beer in the early summer evening...

i think...hmmm....didn't i see my bronzing cream from last summer under the sink this morning...YES...i just said last summer...not only was it a train wreck that i cried over for a week last year...i kept it...i guess...for moments just like tonight...sigh...as i began applying this...orange foam...that i purchased from the local wal-mart store...my phone rang...

it's solar...funny...i was just laughing in my head at how she would disown me for such shenanigans...she wanted a lecture on how i would give anything to be bored...

hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm...i had to laugh...well, i begin: i just put last year's nasty orange foam all over my body...i am having a beer...and the kiddos are almost ready to go to bed...

i would love to have given the whole...you-really-need-to-have-a-kid-lecture...but i just couldn't...the kiddos were too well behaved...boredom did in fact set in this lovely summer evening...NOW...if solar lived closer...we could be bored together...i am guessing instead of applying nasty orange foam in streaky ADD fashion...we would instead...sip some wine...and she would hold me down and pluck my true granola chic eyebrows...

sigh...i miss being bored with solar...back then...boredom had us in the best shape of our lives...i actually was not the proud owner of "upper butt" (my definition of back fat)...as she had my "upper butt" working out everyday...

oh well..the OA came home early...i will spare you all the fourth b...bow-chicka-bowbow...JOKE!

but really...i must go...and for all you who were wondering...the fourth b: blogging!!

don't dish it out if you cannot take it...

and for me the dishing would be in the form of advice...

about food, chemicals in food, hidden sensitivities to food, sensory issues, behavioral issues...and...drum roll please...not settling for a mediocre life...

the last...mediocrocrity...something i have feared most my life...what sets the mediocre person apart from the non-mediocre? i believe it's simple: perspective and passion

the ability to have the proper perspective of thankfulness and love...and then the passion to act on each of these...there are many things i am passionate about...many...and not just sort-of-passionate...no...i am the OVER-THE-TOP-IN-YOUR-FACE-PASSIONATE...problem is...that kind of passion gets exhausting and overwhelming when it pulls me into....hmmm...i would guess no less than 10 different directions...so as i just caught myself telling a perfect stranger in a blog comment...to basically...live every moment...more than live...experience...experience life...i had to stop...take a deep inventoried breath...and ask: do i do that? really...really experience life?

i hope so...i want to make every moment count...by doing that i have to slow the dreamer in me down a bit and speed the perfectionist waiting til every aspect of every detail is properly aligned with the cosmos up...feed the flesh a little less...and the spirit a little more...love everyone i meet...i mean really really loving them...stopping my thoughts...listening to their long stories...not from politness..rather..real interest...realize that where i am today...right now...this very second...is where He wants me to be...in His amazing Grace and Mercy...sigh...it's when i do these things...i feel fulfilled...

do i still want to run a marathon and have an orphanage in africa someday...learn to sew hippie skirts...knit pokemon toys for my kiddos...rescue every unloved child...re-beak every de-beaked chicken...(and thank the one who graciously gave her life for the jay-man to lick)...sigh...sigh...sigh...sigh...

i want it all...but today...i am a wife...a mother...a daughter...a sister...a friend...in hick-ville usa...traveling only as far as the nearest wal-mart store requires...sigh...and the scary part is...i like it...sometimes i am not sure...am i experiencing life...or is life experiencing me?

i hope it's both...

hunger strike...pause?

i just deleted a page of rabbit chasing...let me get right to the point...

jay-bob asked for bread...my homemade GFCFSF...egg free...nut free...bread!!!!

since being sick...he has regressed to only wanting sweet potato french fries...even pancakes have been a battlefield lately...SO...when his little wheels went a turnin in his precious little mind and his angelic mouth formed the words: i want sandwich pwease mommy...

i skipped to the kitchen...pulled out the bread machine...three hours later...yummy bread...and that was the easy part...

now...

the battle of cutting the perfect slice...it can't be broken...have crumbs...too big...too small...the wrong color...hmmmm...every time i think i have thought of it all...i would be banished back into the kitchen to "twy again..."

so i am learning...(five wrong slices later)...i bring the cutting board and my santuko knife along side...show me...and in his sweet little ways...he demonstrated with his fingers how he wanted it cut...OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH...that!!?? never would have guessed that one...must have been how daddy did it that last time...sigh...note to self...start leaving picture diagrams of new foods eaten...

so Dr. Phil...i hate to impart this bit of information to you...you were wrong that day that everyone of my family and friends happened to have your show on picky eaters vomiting (oops, i meant to say airing) on their televisions...not every child is just being stubborn and controlling...i love the illustration i read in Just Take A Bite...the author has the parent go to the store and get something that is not pleasing in thought to eat...she relates that feeling...the not wanting to look at it...the rapid heart beat...the feeling sick...over eating what we don't like or are unfamiliar with...that's how our kiddos with food sensory issues feel EVERYTIME a new food is introduced...

oh, sorry...there's that darn rabbit trail again...bottom line...does this mean we are gaining lost ground?? i sure hope so...it's devastating to the motherly ego when one's beloved child refuses to touch her very hard...make betty crocker swoon with envy...many hours searched on the internet...delectable dish...(of course, i have had to pass many a said dish on to the dogs myself...come on fellow hyper-allergenic chefs....let's be truthful about these things before we go to posting them...or publishing them...)! my favorite part of it all...the mermaid (much like mikey...she'll eat anything!): mommy...mommy...i want mine just like jaden's!!

sigh...ok...so it takes me an hour for pre-meal-presentation...but that just gives me an excuse to leave the dishes in the sink a little longer...i mean...really...who works that hard on a slice of bread and then doesn't stick around to watch the two second devouring process...i love the initial exchange of glances the OA and i have...both wondering...holding our breath...merci following suit...watching...all eyes on jay-bob...is he...will he....YYYEEESSS!!! he's eating!!!!

for all the nervousness i feel before that first bite...i wonder...does it even compare to jay-bob's own...

what does autism look like?

i think that there is some confusion on what autism looks like...like cancer...it can take many forms and manifest itself in several ways...not everyone with cancer looses all their hair...not everyone with cancer has their breasts removed...not everyone with cancer dies...and not everyone with cancer lives...some have cancer alone...and some have several other diseases to fight additionally...

PDD...pervasive development disorder...in a nutshell...strictly my non-scientific interpretation that anyone can understand...there are several social and language difficulties that tip the scale into quirky-land...this is my son...OFTEN...these kiddos slip through the cracks...more than 100 times i found myself saying: he's a poster child for adhd...but i don't think it's adhd...OR...i would say...well...he's alot like an autistic child BUT...i mean...he's definitely not autistic...specifically...jaden has many sensory issues, very self-limiting diet, difficulty making eye contact, troubles with transitions, hard time reading social cues, and a tendency to shut down or melt down...BUT...i must add his memory and computer skills are insanely brilliant!

it's argued in some circles that ADD/ADHD and SPD (sensory processing disorder) all fall some where on the spectrum...i tend to agree with this school of thought...hence the term spectrum disorders...

there is also asperger's syndrome...truly amazing children...i love aspie children...they always tell you the most incredible things...though...they do sense their *differences* at times...that part hurts me...their minds are brilliant...they simply think and relate to social situations differently...again these are my very basic interpretations...

also, there is HFA...high functioning autism...many argue that HFA and PDD and even Aspergers are all the same...there is classic autism...verbal and non verbal...ASD...autism spectrum disorder) manifests itself differently in each child...some rock, some flap, some cry, some may talk, some may never talk...but they all think, they all feel...if anything...feel in surround sound...if that makes sense...and they all need love and acceptance!

so several times, as someone notices my awareness bracelet or asks why my son's on a special diet, i get the shocked look and hesitant remark:

oh, wow...he doesn't...i mean...he doesn't look autistic...
my response: why? because he's not banging his head on the wall and flapping his hands?
their response: well, yeah...

this response usually brings about a chuckle...really...and when they say something about RAIN MAN i almost have to excuse myself...of course...these people are not being mean...they are not stupid by any means...simply ignorant to what the face of autism looks like...

of course, today as we were running late for speech therapy...the jayman had a semi-gonna-lose-it-moment before walking out the door...his "string pants" (his sweat pants with a draw string) were touching the tops of his shoes which happened to be new, so i am guessing they (new shoes)were sending new sensory input to his feet...i quickly grabbed a pair of scissors and snipped the bottoms of his pants off...well...let's just say...they were a tad bit too short...AND...absolutely did not match the pokemon tshirt with a hole in the back from cutting the tag out a different day...BUT...we were too late to change...SO...we went as is...as i was watching my glasses-wearing-capried-sweat-pant-sporting-holy-t-shirt-loving-non-matching little boy run to greet his therapist...i had to laugh...maybe this...is what the face of autism looks like...and it couldn't be more beautiful!!

THEN i glanced over at the mermaid...brown, pink, and white polka dot soft dress WITH green, yellow, orange, and red striped soft pants...hhmmmmmmm...i guess this is just what a granola family looks like...hey, the best part is...someone from church held up a toddler pageant dress and said...don't you just LOVE this...i laughed...i was just thankful she hadn't noticed my apathetic philosophy of having "well dressed" children...but i must say...we will be clothes shopping before school starts...

Tag game...take two

I was tagged by Betsy to play
Rules:1. Write your own six-word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog (include a visual illustration if you’d like)

(ok but let's just remember...you did ask for this!)

Are their sphincters winking at us?!

sorry...couldn't resist...

sad part of it all...my brother and i spent an hour on the phone trying to come up with some great greeting card sayings for this picture of my two pups while he was still in law school...

Tag game...take 1

Neurotic: enter at your own risk!

I was tagged by Betsy to play
Rules:1. Write your own six-word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog (include a visual illustration if you’d like).
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post.
4. Tag five more blogs with links.
5. Leave comment on the tagged blogs with invitation to play.

I’m tagging these five (or two...who's really counting) bloggers:
solar powered

stcroixboyz

ummm...well...i would have to steal from solar...so i better keep it at two...

Letting go

today i went to jaden's OT (occupational therapy) appointment...we had to miss two weeks due to spring break and illness...today isn't our usual day...but my son needed some sensory let down that only his amazing and brilliant Ms. Darlene can accomplish...i watched him through the window...i usually don't have the opportunity to do that...but today i did...his regression was painfully obvious...*too tired to insert signature sigh*

for every parent who has never had to sit behind a hidden mirror and watch...just watch their child stumble through seemingly simple tasks for evaluations or therapies...God has blessed you...kiss your child tonight...thank your God for sparing you such helplessness...but for those who have...i feel your pain...in the most profound way i can describe: it sucks!

you want to help, answer, accommodate, save...but you can't...you can only watch...pray...trust...cry...

then the meeting...the meeting to prepare me for the meeting...as i listened to them explain lots of things out of my league of understanding (i have, until today, assumed i would home school)...i started crying...just yesterday it seems like i was celebrating that my son could sit, crawl, and walk before most of his peers...didn't that speech path at church come running to me when he repeated ball and did the sign for it at such a young age...what the hell am i doing here listening to my children bicker in the corner while these ladies were preparing me...pitying me!?...for the decisions i have to make by...friday...

am i sad that my son is on the special education list...requires accommodations to get through a school day...or is it that my son is growing up...screw special ed...screw autism...screw pity...i want my baby...to stay my baby...i am so completely unprepared for my son to leave me for 35 hours a week...that's a full time job...thanks feminists of yesterday...thank you for setting the stage for five year olds to be required to work a full time freaking job...i cringe at sending my son off to public school for 35 hours a week...cringe...but...my other option? lose services...and after losing two weeks of OT and watching him regress in ways that shatter my heart...i simply cannot justify my fear of sending him to school...some lucky woman will have the privilege of breathing my precious child's air all day...five days a week....*i am beyond sighing right now*

if anyone reading this dares to reply: well, they have to grow up sometime...i will probably ban you from my blog...not that any of my amazing readers would ever be so cruel...clearing throat...dear husband...i love you anyways...but really...you aren't allowed to read my blog for one week...

so, as my lips can barely whisper my thoughts, feelings, emotions that the last six months of my life have stirred...my fingers scream the words my soul is feeling...the last few weeks have been painful lessons of accepting help from others...i cannot do it all...all by myself...i think that is the answer God is giving me for this moment...for the time being...i need to allow others...who are trained in such matters...to help my son...as he learns to help himself...

biggest-most-hugest-most-deepest-most-heartfelt sigh ever...

i tell my kids every day...it's so hard for mommy to watch you get so big so fast...
but mommy...we want to be big...
i know...i know...but it's still hard...mommy just loves you so much...
we wuv you too mommy...

i am pretty sure...looking back...it was the mommy letting go who was crying in that office today...not the mommy shocked about special services talk...i still remember the day my mom dropped me off for my first day of school...i met a girl who would become one of my dearest, most cherished, most needed friends of my entire life...a friend who...just today...i thanked God for...as there is no way i could have made it through the many hurdles of life without her!

i started tonight's blog sad, isolated, unsure...i am walking away with hope, with assurance, and with such incredible thankfulness for my friends and family...sigh...

little tidbit...an old preacher of mine once said that he believes that sighs are "mini prayers" to God...so the next time you cannot find the words...sigh sigh away...

collective family deep sigh

There are times, i must confess...i have thought: i can do this (life) all by myself

and then the kiddos get sick, OA picks up five consecutive 12 hour shifts, and BAM...my previous blog is a direct result of day 3...and by today (day 4) i have been downright certifiable...

The OA must have sensed that the kiddo's lives were at stake, because he showed up early...like 6 glorious hours early...i am pretty sure time paused during the moment he arrived...a collective family deep sigh...

Upon walking in the door, he turns to me and hands me a crumpled $10 bill:

here, i figure you can go somewhere and get a coffee or something...

(umm...i consider this foreplay...doth not tease!)

i guiltily try to hide my coffee cup from earlier:

ummm...i am so sorry...i had to have one to make it through today... (solar informed me this has a name...financial infidelity...for a later post)

he smiles (have i ever mention i married him solely based on "the dimple"!?):

i figure you can go get another one...

ok. i am sure some are wondering...seriously...this is a big deal?...you are a granola...BUT...the reality is that the OA has worked close to 60 hours in five days AND money is a wee bit tight in this here neck-o-the-woods...i mean...really...the last few days it's been:

ummm....well kiddos...you can have eggs or pancakes...or water...

(sometimes it really pays to have a picky eater!!)

don't get me wrong...it's almost been fun being this *poor*...it always amazes me how well the OA and i work together to accomplish our goals...we're a great team...and today watching him nap (or pass out from exhaustion)...i realized how stabilizing he is for our family...we simply needed him home...breathing our air...being our rock...

he may not discuss existential philosophies or write me poetry every day...but man...he brings peace into my life-an incomprehensible calm-that i honestly lose when he is gone...

i needed these last few dark days...and yes...they were incredibly dark...but they have brought such a desperate realization of how much i need my husband...when you've had your heart broken...the real kind of broken...there is a certain kind of love...of trust...that's hard to experience again...

8 years of a great marriage and two really dark days later-i realize-i can go through life without my husband, but i truly need him beside me to experience it fully...

marrying the man of your dreams:

is nothing like watching him be the father of your dreams!

warning: no warm fuzzies ahead!!

i haven't been able to run in about a week now...my inability to refrain from cursing almost every passerby in my mind is proof enough that i clearly need a good run...a sprint...anything that allows me to get out of this house long enough to clear my thoughts...

jay-bob started running a fever 7 days ago...flu b...his sister followed suit a few days after him...two bottles of motrin and tylenol later...here we are...now jay-bob has a secondary sinus infection and merminator: who knows!?

at least 10 times today i have kept myself from slamming my head repeatedly into my car steering wheel...screamish sigh...just make the crying stop...please...

i was spooning chunks of starbucks java chip ice cream into my mouth at 5:30 am while typing an email to mucinex inquiring if their product was gluten/casein free...screw it...i'll suffer the consequences later if it's not...well...jay-bob will...screamier-screamish sigh

after my dear son kicked me in the chest during a melt down in the car upon arriving at the doctor's office (let's just say the nose-picking flu test is not a sensory child's friend)...i collected all my patience and took my two little snotty nosed angels into the office and prayed jaden would be able to pull himself together long enough to get through the next few hours...

on the car ride home merminator set in full force...she's the family's perfect storm...calmly brewing on the inside sending everything in her path reeling from the howling cry's destruction...i realized...i am falling apart...it's only taken 7 sleepless worry filled nights (you know more sleep deprived and worrisome than the usual) to bring me to this point...empty...weary...

i asked my pediatrician if jay's antibiotic could come in a pill as he refuses liquid medication:
of course, he replied...then added...you're so lucky...

walking through kroger, merminator was apparently socially wronged by her brother who was walking...you know...just walking...and that started her howl...i ignored her as i approached the counter of the pharmacy...i got three irritated quick glances up...finally someone asked (without looking at me) if they could help me...

"pick up for bush"...they fumbled...are you sure you dropped it off?...(the howl is getting to them...i am still ignoring)...finally they figured things out...the old lady at the counter says (very baby voice)...ahh...is someone unhappy today?...

my mumbled reply...she's always unhappy...

now the let's-judge-the-bad-mommy-who-clearly-needs-therapy-looks flew across their faces...they asked me if i am sure my son can swallow the pills...i mumbled yes...more questioning me...i said..."he refuses liquid medication...he likes to swallow a pill instead"...the old lady glanced back over and said:
well, aren't you so lucky...

yeah, i am so lucky. so lucky i want to run from my life right now...so lucky that due to one week's flu virus coupled with last week's dietary infraction my son has probably lost 50% of what he's worked so hard to gain...so lucky that my daughter...despite my every effort...never seems to be happy...of course, until today...i have allowed myself to believe my well intentioned family that it's got to me my fault somehow (my interpretation of course)...i spend too much energy on jaden...i need to give her more attention...i need to stop giving her so much attention...she needs structure...she needs freedom...she needs a spanking...she needs me to stop babying her....SCREAMIest SCREAMISH SIGH EVER...

i don't know what she needs...but i do know that she doesn't need a mom snapping at her for not being happy...how does that help anything...not to mention...jay-bob...has honestly required very little of my affection...leaving my arms to almost always be available for mermaid...i am so tired of feeling guilty about my every motherly decision...sometimes...despite my every attempt to choose happiness...it alludes me...

sometimes i have to remind myself that even a good mom gets tired...wants to scream...speaks rudely to her children...sobs into her imperfect hands...

but i further remind myself that a good mom also...picks herself up...calls a friend who never judges...says a prayer...apologizes to her children explaining that we all make mistakes and that's why God is so amazing...takes a deep breath...and pushes on...