Letting Go...

"How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?"  Ann Voskamp

I have been wrestling for weeks with those exact feelings and thoughts.  This morning I woke up to a scream...it was my own...in my dreams...my heart pounding and I struggled to even catch my breath.  Anxiety.  I can feel the beginnings of a true panic attack coming on.  I gulp in air.  Close my eyes shut.  Try to steady my breathing and shove the rising panic back down...so deep that maybe this time...as I exhale...I'll breathe out all that's building up threatening to erupt...inside out.

I grab my phone 4:17 a.m.

I cannot go back to sleep.  I cannot lie in bed and pretend like today isn't going to happen. 

I grab my gym clothes in the dark and head to Spin class.  Maybe I can sweat the panic away.  The music blasts and the teacher says, "What do you want to be more of?"  I lower my head.  All I can think of is broken.  I clutch my towel to my lips and sob.  Thank God it's dark and no one can hear me.  The heaviness of my situation seems to pull the entire class down.  Like a black hole...I wish it would just swallow me up.  I am tired of being brave.  Sick of answering people's questions.  And mostly, cannot bear the idea of looking into his big brown eyes and saying "good-bye".

failed adoption

failed adoption

I have never been good at letting go.  I am being told this is for the safety of my family.  I am beating myself up because I can see the pain of our broken one, but I am struggling to see the fear and terror of my other one.  I should be relieved.  Life should get much simpler...for us.  But I know that it won't...for him.  He's fought his entire existence and finally found a family but is too broken and too damaged to relax into it.  My husband's words still ring in  my ears after I told him about "the incident":  After I went inside, I almost threw up at the idea of how lucky we are that Jaden is ok.  It sickens me to think of...what could have been.  Why can I not see that?  Is something wrong with me???  Am I so foolish to believe that my love is enough to keep him from really hurting someone?  And where is my line?  What is too much?  Bruises heal, I find myself thinking.  But, abandonment?  There's no band aid for that.  The wave of panic rushes again.

Trust Him, Heather.  That's what two of my most beloved friends living the exact.same.things.but.different. told me separately in emails last night.  Trust.Him.  It is the only thought that slows the surge of fear.

And I do-ish.  I am still begging for a miracle.  I cannot fathom how we can get this far...only to stop now...but I am submitting my fears, my control, and my need to defend myself to any and all who have no idea what a decision like this entails.  I pray they never do.  I humbly bow in brokenness and choke on the words of judgment I have spewed in complete and total ignorance.  I don't have a clue how I am going to survive packing his things...again...or summons the strength to say goodbye...again. 

I am in the midst of a tsunami inside my mind...I am hoping for the parting of the Red Sea...that something will change and he can stay...but...I am willingly submitting my inability to save.  Only God can do that.  I have to trust Him.  Sigh.  I can feel the fear crashing all around me. 

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."  C.S. Lewis