A few weeks ago I found myself waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to meet some great friends to embark on a 50K trail hike that included summiting the "hard" side of Pinnacle Mountain. Have I ever mentioned that I am afraid of heights? We trained by climbing that mountain 3 times before race day. The first time I was truly scared, and if it's possible to "climb" up on all fours---I accomplished it. The second time should've been easier, but I wasn't mentally prepared because we decided to tack it impromptu-like to the end of our training hike. It was the worst climb of them all as I was certain I would plummet to my death and leave 5 children and a gorgeous husband to do the rest of their lives without me.
By the 4th climb on the day of the race, I was half way up the mountain before I realized that I was actually OFF all fours and looked more like an adult than a toddler making my way to the top. I had learned a few things: just look directly at the step in front of me, breathe through the fear, listen to the beauty around me (friends), stop occasionally and encourage someone either above or below me. It was that simple. It was only when I looked down or around that I got really scared and my mind would take over and threaten to do more harm to me than falling all the way down that mountain.
That is the most beautiful analogy (for me) to apply to my walk as a foster mother. Yesterday we went back to court after last court's shocking turn of events that allowed us to keep the children for two more months. I had fully invested into the letting go process. I had processed most of my grief and prepared the children in ways I knew paled in comparison to most. I was broken and ready. My clenched fists had been pried open and were willingly limp before Him. And then He placed them right back.
Since then, I have not tried to tighten my own grip as I have come to learn that it is not worth a fraction of the unnecessary pain or fear of having to release my hold. And yet, it's been 2 of the most beautiful months we have ever had. Peaceful, joyful, natural, and calm (amidst the chaos of life with 5 kids). I was taking my training and applying it: only look at the day at hand, breathe, listen to the beauty and blessing of family and friends, and pause to encourage someone else throughout the day. Of course fuel (time with Him) and training (living out Him) were an integral part of reaching the finish line tangibly and comparatively.
So here I kneel humbly before Him with the knowledge that in just two short bonus months He has allowed me to see extra joy and peace in my foster children's lives. He has helped my sweet toddler sleep all the way through the night (after 17 months of screaming nightmares). In the last 2 nights alone, she has gone to sleep without needing to pretzel-wrap her arms and legs around me for security and her older brother has climbed into my lap more times recently than all the months combined...so if God wants to give us all 3 more weeks of this...this beautiful, blessing of being a foster family...I'll take it..even though it means more waiting.
I'm breathing deep and focusing my brain on doing what brings peace as opposed to terror. I am thanking Him for all the things He has consistently provided at just the right time. And though I am truly terrified of what awaits the top of this mountain, I know--that I know---that I know that God is good all the time and it will be beautiful even in the pain.
