running away

there are days i feel i could run far, far away...

when i was young...i would dream of being a bird so that i could fly away from my problems...

today...well...i would just run.

i am tired of the paradox within my soul...50% wife and mother...50% everything but...yet all of my energy goes 150% into fighting the later and feeling guilty over ever wanting anything differently...

don't get me wrong...i love my husband and my children...wholeheartedly...i am terrific about breathing in every precious moment of childhood...

i need to get better at breathing in the precious moments of marriage...they are surrounding mine...i just have to open my eyes to see them.

but when i close my eyes...i am running.

and such is the battle in my soul...the paradox...tomorrow i will wake with eyes wide open...heart prepared for Love...i have a good husband...he has a good wife...life is simply draining...

don't even get me started on autism...my soul simply cannot handle that tonight...every time i think i have run far away from autism...it sneaks up behind and taps me on the shoulder...deepest sigh

tonight...i am going to close my eyes...and run...run to Him...and thank Him for every good and perfect gift He has given me...especially the ones that i struggle the most to see.

Love is....not...

I'm thinking of love...and what it is and is not...from the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 12 we get a good picture of what love is (and note...Paul is addressing a church, and its sins against fellow believers)...right before Paul describes love...he mentions that if he has not love, he is nothing...so what is Love?

I Corinthians 12:
4) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.
6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8) Love never fails....(emphasis mine)

therefore No-Love is:
impatient, unkind, envious, boastful, proud
rude, self-seeking, easily angered, unforgiving
delights in evil and unhappy with truth
destructive, does not trust, has no hope, and gives up
no love always fails...

I have recently been given the opportunity to believe that Love was where I accused there to be No-Love...that opportunity led me to throw myself before God and confess the sins of an angry heart...a heart that reacted in a fleshly way.

Today, I choose to react in Love...and my heart is burning with a righteous anger...where do I draw the line with myself in always believing in the good in others...always hoping that Love exists? I am holding firm to the promise that Love never fails...and if Love never fails then No-love always fails.

May God firmly grip in His Faithful and Loving Hands the kindness of my dear friend's soul. May those Hands also squeeze every ounce of Love from the other...I am believing it exists...I hope that I am right...but if I am wrong...I firmly believe the way of No-Love will always fail...and I refuse to walk that path...what a sad and lonely path it would be...

and without Love...i am nothing.

our half marathon

ok...hmmm...i am not sure where to start...i did tear up when i was able to answer the phone "father"...how wonderful that the only dad i know to be the truest father i have ever had called me first on my big day...i am sure that's the closest i have and will ever feel to being a "daddy's little girl"...sigh...ok...so we got a bit emotional as like every other moment together...the sistah and i always keep it real...and we share and share and share...


well...we get there and on our walk to the start line this couple was totally on our hineys...it was..IRRITATING...come on...no one's racing yet...no need to smell the toot still INSIDE my behind...back off people...so i mention that the only part of racing i don't like is...the people...julie laughed and said: only you!!


we celebrated that the port-a-potty line was short which meant we got there on time! we found my friend josh...julie put her bracelet on too tight...the panicked-deer-in-the-head-lights-look was fixated on her face until we located some scissors in a local breakfast place...shoosh...crisis averted...then we headed back to the port-a-potty...ummm...can i just say...never EVER look down...even accidentally like i did...that poo will forever be blazed in my mind...YUCK...sick still remembering...and due to poo in the brain...i freaked out and didn't get my shorts down properly...i think they wiped the potty free from all the misplaced pee as my bum was wet...NASTY...then my sensory issues kicked in...luckily there was this large man with a freaking razorback on his head...who the heck runs with a plastic razorback on their head?? only in arkansas...only in arkansas...


we start...i trip...HAHA...of course i trip...OH and have i mentioned that at my son's friend's birthday party at jumpzone the day before...a friend and i decide to race up the big dinosaur...i fall...of course i fall...and have a big bruise on the bottom of my foot...causing me to limp...yes...i said LIMP!!


i do vaguely remember glaring at the kenyans...only because they were an HOUR ahead of me...and that was only 15 mins into our run...and my freaking foot hurt...i thought i had a big bunched up sock...finally stopped to fix it around mile 4...NOPE...that's just the ibuprofen wearing off...

now is where i get fuzzy...tons of people...it felt like we were going in circles...and my foot hurt so badly...i thought i wouldn't be able to finish...we FINALLY hit mile 6...and that's when i hit my zone...i love that zone...my foot still hurt...but i knew we were half way finished...sistah is CRAZY in the beginning...i have to be satisfied staring at her cute tiny hiney 3/4 of the race as if i tried to keep up...i'd have no steam for the end...


so we keep hearing: great job, julie!
i finally took my head phones off and said, "wow, there is a julie somewhere beside us...because everyone keeps saying good job to her."
julie said, "i know; i hear it, too!"
then we realize...ummm...race virgins...our names are on our bibs!! HAHA..i loved that...only us...only us...but i also loved that God was clearly cheering on my sistah...He knew she despartely needed some love that day...and He always comes through in the coolest of ways...


between mile 5-7 i realized...as i had more space to breathe...i do love the people (just love them more when they aren't violating my personal space)...i love wondering what each person around me's story is...i especially love to see older and less-fit-looking people gut it out...they inspire me...and the older gentleman in front of us whose family hugged him half way through...i almost cried...how incredible...i love the swish-swish-swish sound of feet shuffling along the road...i love the grunts...the talking...the singing...the sweaty bodies...i love the older man who rippied his shirt off...only to half pull his pants down...revealing part of his bum...and he didn't give a RIP! the darting off to locate a tree or bin to pee behind...the over-the-top man who stopped and did push ups every five mins...oh the coming together of runners...


TYPICALLY, i only get competitive with myself...but the chic in mostly hot pink who kept jogging right in front of jule and me and then stopping to walk...we'd pass her...she'd jog in front of us again...and then stop to walk...each time causing us to have to separate...change our pace...etc...well...i decided then...i had to beat her...she was driving me CRAZY...!!


mile 10 nears...i am literally near tears...at this point...i'm run/limp/skipping through the pain in my foot...i tell julie to go on...i have to walk it out...she stops for a minute...we GU...and then she continues...i bowed my head and BEGGED God to sustain me...please...please..don't make me have to crawl over the finish line...i start running again...find julie...and push on...


then this wonderful sign up ahead reads: 12
OMG!! julie...we only have one more mile...(i am sure i screamed this to the top of my lungs)...LET'S GO...LET'S GO!!!!!! come on...let's finish strong...i haul arse...i mean...the shear adrenaline hit...everything we have been training for...i gave it all to that last mile...and then...WHAT THE!!??? you have to be freaking kidding me...that was the sign for the marathoners 12 mile mark...HELLO!!??


i was so angry that i said a word or two...ate a piece of candy...drank some gatorade...and just stood there...sistah could've killed me...and she started cramping so badly...i felt so bad for her...i just wanted us to get this over with...so i re-pep-talked us...come on...this is our last mile...we can do this...we can do this...we start running our last mile...she catches a cramp again...shoos me on...i think she prob just wanted me to SHUT UP so she could focus...


my foot was screaming: get this freaking over with...so, i gave that last mile my second best (not to mention hot pink girl passed me when i was drinking my gatorade)...


i almost freaking lost my mind when they handed out lipsticks and had mirrors half a mile before the finish line!!?? but really almost died when i realized girls were actually stopping, applying, and primping...are you freaking kidding me!!?? ummm...hello...if i'm not stopping for my sistah whose calves are locking up...you think i'm gonna stop to fix my darn hair??? oh for "goodness" sake!!?? though, i was so tempted to stop and to lecture these girls where real beauty comes from (it's NOT a tube of lipstick)...but i didn't...i just wanted to FINISH and i had to beat that chic!!


and finish we did (and i did pass hot pink pace killer)...and then we had a FANTASTIC time afterwards...just being...runners!

pics...we DID it!!

very very good article!!

my pastor in florida is also a fantastic healthy dude! he sends out emails with hints and information...i love this one...by far some of the best advice health-wise i have read!

his website is: weightless fitness

his email:

As a pastor I have people coming to me asking for prayer on a very regular basis. Often times those who are wanting prayer have just gotten bad news from their doctor and they are hoping that God will grant them a miraculous healing.

I believe that God can and sometimes does miraculously heal. Yet,more often than not as I pray for people, and ask God to give me guidance and words of encouragement, many times it seems that the LORD is saying, "They don't need a miracle, they need to begin to make some changes in their lifestyle. They need to learn how to eat properly and they need to start exercising. Their physical problem sand sickness are the result of reaping from what they have been sowing throughout their lifetime. They are perishing for a lack of knowledge."

We need to realize that not all physical problems are the result of poor choices but the truth is that many of them are. It's no secret that in many cases heart problems, diabetes and other physical problems are avoidable. Therefore I believe we should each do what we can to make the best decisions possible to avoid unnecessary illness and disease. The better we take care of our bodies, the better they will perform. If we neglect our bodies or simply fuel them improperly, we will physically begin to break down and fall apart in the same way that an automobile would break down if the recommended service guidelines were not followed.

When it comes to eating right, I'm beginning to discover that it's really not all that complicated. In fact, I believe that many people could improve their health (and decrease their waistline) by simply subtracting a few things from their diet.

Regardless of what your health issues may be, I believe that if you simply cut back on (or better yet, completely cut out) the following things you will become a healthier person.

1) Cut the white sugar. Sugar is doing more to destroy the health of Americans than just about anything else. Cola and other soft drinks are jam packed with sugar.

2)If the name of an ingredient ends with "ose" don't put it in your mouth. If you see the word fructose, it might as well read "super duper sugar." By the way, artificial sweeteners that end with "ose"aren't good for you either. Rather than using artificial sweeteners try using Stevia (a very sweet herb) or Xylitol (it's low glycemic and actually good for your teeth). Most health food stores carry both products.

3) Cut the white flour. Go for whole grains instead. White flour has virtually no nutritional value and it's quickly converted to sugar when you eat it.

4) Stay away from trans fats and anything that contains them. Trans fats will damage your circulatory system.

5) Don't touch anything that is hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated. Hydrogenated oils will eventually do a number on you.It's amazing how many off the shelf food products are filled with hydrogenated oils.

Following these five simple guidelines will make a great difference in your overall health. But realize, you cannot follow these guidelines until you actually begin to read the ingredients list on the food that you buy.

God has blessed you with a body and I believe He wants you to take care of it so that you can better serve Him and the people around you. Since we do reap from what we sow, please start sowing some healthy seeds today. You might just experience some truly miraculous results.

ahhhh...and cheese

to the cheese part...i must say...we have not one speck of cow's dairy in our fridge...well...except for the frozen yogurt that OA begged me to purchase...to which i must add...he spent the entire evening in the bathroom...HAHA...it's only taken nine wonderful years for him to admit he is lactose intolerant!! when we get him off of gluten...well...who knows?? i just want him to start exercising again...i married young for a reason: i want your hot hiney around as long as possible!!

geez...it was a glorious day...which started at church with mermaid's sunday school teacher saying as i signed them in (ready to give the whole lecture on food and what not)...she said: oh, i read your blog...but what's her name...i only know her as mermaid.

i almost cried...this huge flood of relief came over me...i could've kissed her...i walked away feeling so profoundly touched that i didn't have to even say a word..she already knew...more than knew...understood...my children...

what a blessing!! my whole day has been fantastic...and i think it's mostly due to the sweet wonderful words of a fellow servant in Him!

thank you, more than words will ever describe!!

is that static electricity or...

is my hair standing straight up on my head from me trying to pull it out!!??

aye-aye-aye

what a day...i'm pretty sure i am simply feeling sorry for myself...i ran TWELVE miles yesterday...it was...well...i can't lie...the hardest darn thing i have ever done physically.

and thank goodness i have girl friends...bc men are pretty much useless at celebrating personal bests that aren't their own...after a few hours of feeling bitter about that...i realized that they simply aren't genetically wired for such over-the-top affirmation...hence God's gift in girl friends!

and it also just so happens that my OA is quite exhausted from his recent work load/schedule. he is an amazingly hard worker...he never believes me...but sometimes i am a tad jealous that he gets to head off to work. this is the "slowest" my life has ever been...i'm only taking one on-line class this semester...i substitute at merm's pre-school...i cook...and i clean...and life is actually starting to get into a rhythm...my kiddos are thriving...sigh...and i should be soooooo happy.

i am so social...so used to craziness...this "routine" is almost stifling me....it's (routine) what i have been craving for years...or my whole life...and i finally get it...and yet it's all i can do to not run out and get a job...volunteer...take more classes...but then i look at my extremely happy kiddos' faces...they are thriving on the lesser chaos...the always having mommy around...the knowing what to expect at every turn...smaller-sigh...

my problem is nothing more than...i have earned money since i was 14...i'm pretty sure that i had two jobs at any given time throughout high school...i (wrongly) take offense to every stressful moment OA has over our tight budget...i feel like i am not doing enough...if only i could get paid to raise my children...sighsighsighsigh...

oh well...soon enough...i will look back on these years...as i already think it about their babyhood...and thank God and my husband for allowing me to have these amazing moments together with my (sometimes rude, stubborn, thankless...amazing, loving, precious) little children...drink these moments in granola...chip spilling...dog yelling...hair pulling and all!!