labeling

labeling...hmmm...the big one.

if you have been reading my blogs from the beginning...you realize...i am quick to discuss things that many other people may typically shy away from.

i am not ashamed of money problems, not shaving (regularly that is), potty issues, PMS, etc. i think it may be one thing i got from my father...if i can shock you...and your shock is good...i'll just keep it coming...until the shock factor is over...and then i am bored. but not everything is about shock factor...i love real-ness. real people, real feelings, real life. and when you are keeping it real...you simply have to lay that stinky old pride aside.

ok...so in my quest for keeping it real...or more accurately...my inability to be fake (maybe i am a bit on the spectrum myself!)...i find myself constantly saying: yeah, my son, he's on the autistic spectrum...

and then the shock comes over the person's face...and they say something like: really, he doesn't look autistic (always well-intentioned...but kind of sends me over the edge depending on my mood)!?

then i fumble based on the person's knowledge or lack thereof to accurately describe in 1 minute or less what i mean by "on the spectrum", and then i try to add more accurately to what i mean by j-bob specifically...blah blah blah...then i sit and wonder...WHY DO I DO THAT TO MYSELF AND MY SON!!??

well, i have asked myself that question many times. i don't believe that labels should define anyone. i didn't seek a label for my son in an effort to have excuses for him...rather...the label brought greater knowledge and greater understanding to his behavior. it led me to therapies and biomedical treatments that i otherwise would have been ignorant. the label has also brought my family into a world that only other ASD families can belong. and in that community we have found a powerful sense of love and belonging...

i never want to hide j-bob behind a label...nor do i want to hide as a family behind his diagnosis.

rather, i remind myself...i have been thrown into the roll of an advocate. in order to be a successful advocate...others must understand what i am advocating. i truly believe that j-man touches lives...beyond my comprehension. i love that every person whose life he touches will undeniably walk away from their preconceived notions about autism...that they will think differently...maybe even advocate themselves...on behalf of a little boy in glasses with the amazing eyelashes and contagious smile...yep...he's on the spectrum...and it's not slowing him down at all...honestly, the social quirkiness that he still has coupled with his sensory issues are nothing, NOTHING compared to the hidden food sensitivities and absorption issues that plagued him most of his life...his DAN! said on our first meeting: i am not concerned with what his label is...i am concerned with healing his body...until his body is working properly...therapy and other services will not be nearly as effective.

she was right! i cannot imagine living life pre-biomedical intervention! yet, i look forward to living life post-autism. honestly, today...i wouldn't change a thing. i love the child i have...and as long as he is not trapped in pain...i am happy for him to obsess over mario bros...i will talk pokemon all day...i am very thankful for the long-term payoff those thomas the trains have brought our lives! my son is as pure as any five year old boy can be...his innocence hurts my heart...he is nothing short of precious...my precious son with autism...truly...since the biomedical/therapies...i find my "special needs" child far easier to raise than my "neuro-typical" child...of course is there anything "NT" about females??!!

oh, my mermaid...i am not quite sure how "NT" that little girl is...talk about someone who will undeniably shake the world...and watch out world...don't you dare even consider bullying her "big bruda"!! she was two years old sticking her finger in two other older girls faces shouting: NONO! because they were picking on j-bob...i still laugh...yet another stellar moment from a fast-food playground area...ahh...the playground of life...anyone else ever beg: please let me off this merry-go-round!?

unless the merry-go-round included these two precious angels who i am honored to call my children...childhood...with a few one hundred sighs...it is gone...

sigh...

update

wow...feels like forever.

the family has never been so busy! my latest and happiest for me news: i, too, am back in school!

the crazy part is that i started this week off at a school that i secretly very much did not want to be in attendance. it was my second choice...doing what was best for the fam...yadayadayada!

the end of my week included registering late for UALR's SPEECH PATH PROGRAM! yep, God really worked a number...when i am not so tired, i will dish the details...but until then just know...God honors all. At least, He honored my humbled obedience to Him.

i am very very very thankful. humbled, blessed, grateful.

hope all of my beloved readers are finding themselves well. life is so short...may my life be a simple reflection of the moments of Grace.

teasing and worms...

ok, as for the worms...the other night the Oversized Asian was sitting on the couch...the frap-meister jumped up beside him, stretched out, and her booty was pointing towards OA...i kid you not...aforementioned worm tried to high five my husband. all i can say is i have never seen a grown former-state-champion-wrestler-police-officer-scary-mexican-looking-asian-dude EVER freak out so bad...i am still laughing.

as you can guess, the "worm" situation has now been taken care of...OA even made the phone call to the vet himself...i am horrible, as i refuse to take any responsibility for the animals in this house...well...let me take that back...i make sure they have food and water...other than that...finances and pets are the OA's responsibility...i have taken the high road on those two issues! and i don't care what OA says...dare he try and comment...i DO NOT like frappy...only parker and our fish: sushi. only on some occasions will i sort of maybe just a little give fraps some love...rare...

now...teasing...the grim part of my story. jay-bob seems to like school. it's frustrating to me...the control-freak-neurotic-mom to not know EVERYTHING that happened at school. well, my five year old who hasn't been able to touch a video game ALL DAY!! isn't about to spill the beans on his whole day...not to mention..those "wh" questions are a bit overwhelming for him. so i take the stories as i can get them. tonight, in the bath...once again...the prodding...i got:
well, that one boy...he was teasing me...(mumble mumble)...he say i thwree...well...i tease him back...and then he keep teasing me...so he huwrt my fweelings...that make me sad...

ok...i want a full description. is it wrong of me to trip this child on his way into class tomorrow? i mean...he does know who he's dealing with right? i high-fived a "butt-worm" last week! i am not scared of a little five year old!

ok, so i am scared of little five year olds...scared that they will make my adorable unselfconscious little clean slate of a precious child a bitter insecure self conscious quirky kid. i went with the whole: we don't tease others because they are teasing us routine, followed by: make sure you tell the teacher when someone is mean to you, adding: well, hey buddy, let's focus on the good part of today...who was really nice to you? without skipping a beat he said: ty and that othewr gurwl...

let's be honest...if i made a list of every time either of my kiddos said someone was teasing them(b/c in their child's world...me making them take a bath before bed "hurwts theiwr fweelings") i'd be pretty busy...i am betting this little boy wasn't doing anything esp hurtful. but you can bet...i'll know tomorrow exactly where he sits! and i just may have the old frap-meister pay him a visit! nothing like some "butt-worms" to gain the respect of a peer...!

we survived!!

i am glad my first attempt to access my blog was unsuccessful this morning. we had a rough start to the day, as jay-bob NEVER likes to go anywhere in the mornings...unless it's his best friend's house...BUT...once we got there...he did wonderful.

my sorrow really hit me as i dropped the mermaid off at preschool. i could feel her anxiety as she realized that her brother...aka security blanket...was not there...i think for the first time in her very grown up little preschool life...she was actually only a three year old today...the feeling was foreign to her...and it was foreign and heart wrenching for me to see that discomfort. that being said...upon picking her up...she was full of life and self-confidence.

my heart is thanking my God...it's hard to trust...but the pay-off is always so rewarding! let me not get carried away with myself...i cried...the neurotic-mommy-who-never-wants-to-let-go is throwing one hell of a temper tantrum right now...but the God-trusting-mommy-desperately-trying-to-make-right-decisions is breathing deep breaths satisfied with today's results.

of course, as always in our lives, we have had to throw expectations out the windows...i can't dress my son for cuteness...we resorted on the fourth try...to a simple soft t-shirt with soft t-shirt shorts...screw MY wishes to send him in a matching outfit...AND...the pictures will have to be of his second day of school, as we were so consumed with not being more than 30 mins late due to a clothes melt-down...that i forgot to put the memory stick back in my camera...as i was also up very late finishing a social story for the j-man in the event that he got to missing us too much...SO...eventually i will learn to embrace my family's uniqueness DURING the unique moment and not have to rely on my ability to reflect and learn later.

sometimes i feel that it would be much easier on ME to home school as it seems like a safer haven...for me and my children. i pray God opens that door in the future...though...i believe jay-man has a specific calling on his life...and me sharing him with the world may just be God's will...

simple-sigh

one step at a time...

need a laugh

i am wishing for the ability to sit down at the pc...pound away a few letters...and have divine inspiration for humor...hmmm....

well...it's alluding me right now. i am feeling the need to share a bit about: me.

i am unfocused, i talk too much, i think too much...and i over-share.

that being said...my little brown dog, whom i have only just started to like...the very little brown dog that is the direct reason for me giving up vegetarianism...as i felt hypocritical of not eating meat out of compassion, yet i was having horrific thoughts of torturing this dog...anyhow...this aforementioned dog jumped up on MY bed...this dog is also the LOVE of the merminator's life...hence the reason she's still in the family...focus...as she jumped up on my bed i noticed something wiggling around what i lovingly refer to as her: winking sphincter.

ummm...i pulled up her tail...OMG...yes...ther was something white and thin wriggling out of (or into??!!) her mid-wink...i freaked out...immediately locked both dogs outside (sorry to parker my darling other brown dog)...jumped on the internet and started researching worms.

my poor violated children...i couldn't find a flashlight...as the internet says to check their booties in the dark for worms...ARGH...i am totally creeped out...so i lit a candle and attempted the "worm check"...all i could think about was: what will i do if there is a worm there? am i going to burn their poor biscuits peering for worms? dear Lord, the things i find myself doing as a mother. etc...

thankfully, no worms detected...though mermaid had a "red ring" which (for the record) is an indicator of yeast overgrowth...so that confirms my suspicion to start the probiotics on her...anyhow...i am mortified...i am mostly sure that our good deed a few years ago which included rescuing two puppies who were infested with worms...is coming back to reward us...according to my research...short of cementing your backyard...if there's been eggs lain...it's very difficult to fully rid of the worms...

this topic immediately transports me to a yummy pizza place in which my good friend solar began to describe the life cycles of worms over what should have been a good slice of pizza...i have been fearful of worms ever since...

so, do you think the OA will freak out if he wakes up, and i have a candle in my hand: just checking dear...go back to sleep...

the very idea...i am laughing...ahhh...just what i was looking for...a good laugh...

hey, this is a blog for realness...and all who love me...love EVERYTHING about me...as before long...they will know mostly all...in detail...

i'll save the story about my dear departed border collie for another day of oversharing...besides...i have to go get some scotch tape...

the final verdict

soooooooooooooo......jaden starts public school august 19, 2008...

WHAT!!??? what about all those reasons and signs from God??????

well...here's the bottom line...i am pretty sure i have been guilty...for at least the whole summer...of manipulating the "signs" to read what i wanted them to read. i, granolachic-extraordinaire, am hereby officially fessing up to the utmost of neurosis: i don't want my babies to grow up...i don't trust my babies with anyone...and the clincher...i realized that this whole time...i don't think i have been trusting my babies with...God.

yep, hard to believe, i am sure.

for countless reasons that i am not going to bore my faithful reader with...i believe (the un-twisted version) that God is asking me to trust Him...trust Him in my son's new teacher...trust Him in my son's abilities...trust Him in my son's disabilities...simply...trust Him.

i will add...my anxiety is kind of reaching an all time high...but i refuse to let satan tap into my obvious weakness...and i am believing that God will also relieve my high state of anxiety...as that is not true trust...it's trust with an addendum...with some..."but remembers" and "don't forgets"...sigh...sigh...sigh...

don't you think God laughs at our memos...

ah...but doesn't He relish in our complete surrender?!

slow-inhale-slower-exhale-anxiety-releasing-God-trusting-sigh

update on feeding issues

i just wanted to mention that the jay-man is officially eating "chicken french fries"...i take chicken breasts and cut them into bite-sized pieces then toss them in a zip lock bag of quinoa flour with some tapioca starch mixed...add some salt, pepper, and various other gluten free spices that sound good at the time...shake shake shake...fry...freeze...yummy! i cannot reheat them in the microwave as they become hard...so i put them on my pampered chef stone on 350 for 10 mins...and HE EATS THEM!!

one chicken breast has 35g of protein!! i have worried so much about his protein intake or lack thereof...THANK YOU GOD...thank you chicken...i buy the most natural ones i can find...i still struggle with the whole meat thing...but hey...when your kiddo only eats a variety of...i think we're up to like 10 things!!??

pancakes (of course with one veggie and one fruit puree added)
waffles (see above...)
muffins (the whole thing!!)
sweet potato french fries (with lots of organic gluten free ketchup)
skin on! potato french fries
carrot and squash fries
veggie chips and stripey chips aka ruffles
frutabu (when we can afford it...freaking $5 for a box with like 6)
chicken nuggets
apple slice (very small bite...but hey...it's a fruit)
carrot slice (see above note)
vegan cheese dip
chocolate shake
home-made cheese free pizza
tortilla pizzas

OMG...that's 15 things, and i know i have to be forgetting something! this is only due to the diet...i truly truly believe that j-bob's pickiness was due to
a) addiction to gluten and casein
b) zinc deficiency (strongly affects the way food tastes)
c) negative reaction to all the offending foods...caused him to fear food

well...let me add...my very wise friend says success with our kiddos is like a three-legged stool...there's the diet, the supplements, and the therapies that all work together towards the betterment of our children's success. well...our kiddo's stools are probably more like the 10-legged stools...but one gets the idea! the diet allows the body to stop attacking itself, the supplements allow the body to function properly or more properly, and the therapies educate towards proper behavior techniques and/or modifications.

i am feeling quite thankful tonight. i think i am going to start a little information session on the different supplements we use, and why we use them...i believe we are using the most basic and scaled down approach bio medically speaking. our DAN (dr betsy hendricks) is very systematic and thorough...i appreciate that from a financial standpoint and also a non-overwhelming standpoint. we are due to see her again...actually...i am pretty sure we should have done our follow up months ago...but you know the drill...all in due time!

i must add...i think we can all benefit from evaluating our diets and removing what's causing negative reactions, supplementing our ridiculously lacking american diets, and supporting our bodies ability to function better, and if i have said it once...i have said it a thousand times...there's not a person in the over stimulating fast paced society that wouldn't benefit from some OT's sensory processing sessions!!!

Many thanks!

ok...i seem to have a blog reader who has secretly blessed my family and what a total surprise! at church on sunday, a friend walks up and says: don't think i am crazy...but do you go by the name granola or something?

my friend handed me an envelope with money and the words "granola chick and family" lovingly written across...WOW...

let me just tell you, dear anonymous friend, that morning the OA and i nervously wrote our tithe check..."this'll hurt us" OA said and then added, "but i want to do it"...i sighed...God always provides...

well...we just ran out of the j-man's companion powder (very important supplement!)...and now...i am going to take that incredible blessing from God and purchase another one tomorrow...without even one single worry...without even having to juggle my grocery list...without even truly knowing who generously blessed my family...i have my suspicions...as God immediately laid a fellow sister on my heart...but regardless...from the bottom of our empty supplement bottle...to the top of our overflowing hearts...THANK YOU!!

OH...and on the topic of generosity...an amazing mother has put together a site: Lend4Health. Please check it out. I know that as soon as possible, the OA and i will be "lending" a few $$ to this amazing idea! though, i'd prefer to have my payback in the recovery of the child...not the actual cash! thank you again, dear friend, whomever you are...i believe you have planted a seed towards recovery for the j-man! Oh, how exciting when we reap the rewards of faithfulness and giving! thank you thank you thank you...praise Him praise Him praise Him (i know you would rather have Him be praised than you be thanked...!)

thanks and praise...in Him...deep-cleansing-thankful-sighs!

really long...more for me than anything.

ok...i am pretty sure i have driven everyone in my life crazy vacillating back and forth...homeschool...public school...school online...etc...etc...and then go through the whole thing again...SO...i am asking for some opinions...here's the deal:

*j-bob is a five year old boy...NOTE...just turned five at the end of may
*j is on the autistic spectrum...NOTE...quite simply translates...he needs a bit more maturing and specific accommodations
*we have been given a huge opportunity with a family therapy and social group...both in LR...NOTE...LR is 30 mins away from where i live and would require being checked out of school early
*we loose OT services if we choose to home school
*we have a friend willing to loan us some headphones in order for us to continue audio listening therapy...NOTE...this is a huge benefit (one of them) from OT
*i get to spend another year with my kiddo if i home school...NOTE...i am extremely worried that j cannot yet handle a full day five days a week away from home
*j asks every single day to play with friends...and is excited about the possibility of school...NOTE...he equates school with the cool play ground...
*i need to make $xxxx a month in order for us to make ends meet...to include the extremely important diet, supplements, and shots that we have had incredible results with...NOTE...i have just been offered a job that would give me that amt...almost to the penny...but would require me putting j in school...i would get to keep mermaid with me...but she would actually be in the next room...and i wouldn't get to be with her...and i would ultimately be working 45 hours...this includes breaks but bottom line...i would be away from our home from 745 am til 6 pm mon-fri...
*the OA actually put his foot down the other day...said j-bob needed more time to mature...that nothing was worth sacrificing his potentially "struggling" through school...NOTE...he also added how crazy our lives have been and that we all desp need a set schedule...homeschooling would not offer that schedule as i would have to wait tables around the OA's schedule...we are both beside our selves trying to make this decision...
*we have prayed and prayed and prayed...it seems every other minute the things that God is telling us seem to change...but God isn't like that...which means...we have no idea what He is telling us...or maybe we do...and we just refuse to see it??? i honestly...honestly...am not sure what i should do..in light of the recent tragedies...my anxiety tendencies have escalated...i cannot even fathom putting my son in school...(i had just started getting excited about it!)...but i also feel like my dear husband has killed himself and we have killed our credit keeping me at home...is it time for me to step up to the plate and start sacrificing for the sake of our financial freedom????

there's much more...but i think that's enough...please...please...if you have any advice...feel free to comment away!! i have to make my decision by monday morning (on the job offer)...OH...and school freaking starts soon...HA!

thank you all for lending your ears!!

ok...so as i re-read this...i feel myself wondering...do i not trust God to provide the $$ if i choose to home school...my heart wants to keep my son one more year...am i being selfish? or is this God's will? it's so hard to decipher these things as a neurotic mom!!?? yet, since the beginning of my quest of deciding...God has planted someone in every corner to mention: they have yet to ever meet a mom who regretted giving their child one more year to mature...sigh...i am pretty sure i have my answer...i think i have known all along...satan just keeps throwing out very tempting offers to sidetrack me...i must say...they have all been very very very enticing...how scary it is...to get easily tricked! how important it is...to stay in His Guidance!

ok. i'll think God's telling me something else by morning...HA...i keep coming back to this...and i am reading a book about trusting God...i feel like this job offer can be viewed several ways...a total blessing as these times are tough...but also as a test...an opportunity for me to take it all into my own hands and make it work out $$ on paper. He's always always provided those supplements! crazy ways...ways of generosity...which forced me to lower my pride and accept blessing from others...pride is such a ridiculous thing...OH WELL...enough already...good night...i have half a glass of wine and a really good book on seeking God's will to read...

love you all...thank you for your prayers these last few days...if my days have been so dark...i can only imagine the grief of the family members...may God draw near in the dark hours of the night...how the heart cries out in that midnight hour...

peace, love, blessings!

poorness

dare i say...i am sort of enjoying being poor...i can't say when was the last time i bought myself a new article of clothing...and i am pretty sure OA and i have sold darn near just about everything we had that was "spare" in our house. which works for me...as i am trying to prepare the OA for tent living at that great hippie commune i have picked out...JOKE (unless you know of a great one?)!

anyhow, why the poorness? OA has a good job...i am qualified to do so much...hmmm...well...we are actually living without credit cards for the first time in our nearly 9 years of marriage! we have succeeded in being credit card free for six months now. to further our "crunch", i have not been able to work as much as i should...i mean...in all honesty...i could pay someone to raise our children...but we have chosen to "trim the fat" off our lives instead...with gas prices so high...it's harder to figure out what to trim...as the only "luxury" we still have are our cell phones...and i consider them to be more of a necessity than a luxury...

SO, tonight i cleaned and organized my kitchen...for those who don't know...white vinegar is a great cheap and chemical free way to clean one's home! i am sure OA is going to come home and wonder why our house smells like a big pickle...but i kind of like it...it smells clean, green, and cheap!! i also took a white sheet and draped it over our very craft-worn and sticker-loved table, put my dollar store children's place mats on top, cut some mint that had flowered from my garden, and placed it in a recycled glass milk jar...poorness has never felt so beautiful!

more and more i realize...i don't (altogether) care that i will never have a better homes and gardens look...i can admire their homes...but still be thankful for my own...and pottery barn?? well...pottery barn "ain't got nothin'" on my kiddo's beautifully painted pics lovingly taped to the windows of my home. when i look around my house...i used to see what i didn't have...dreamed of what i should have...but now...i am just thankful that what i see is a home...decorated in love, laughter, tears, yells, hopes, spills, disappointments, God's love and mercy, and mostly my home is a place of safety and security for the kiddos...may it always be so!

oh...and let's be honest...it helps that my husband is still WAY HOT!! hey, i can't be deep all the time!!?? what's a poor girl to do...?!?