as i type

OA is strumming his guitar...

Jay-Bob and Mermaid are putting on a dance show in the dark with a flash-light-spot-light...

We just finished having a family dance-a-thon in the living room...

My life and heart are so full...

If I could bottle this very moment of my life...I would.

I am quite sure this love I feel...is only a tiny glimpse of what our God feels for us.

deep contented sigh

oh wait...

good feeling gone...

OA thought it would be funny to put the hamsters in front of the dogs to make the kids "laugh". both children are now screaming and crying from fear of beloved hamster death.

seriously??

it's quite amazing what can transpire before one hits PUBLISH POST.

ahh...the joys of family-hood.

again...deep-contented-i-am-not-afraid-to-smack-my-husband-laughing-on-the-inside-SIGH.

My God-given wings...and learning to fly

Man...I am not quite sure where to begin? Knowing me it'll be somewhere in the middle.

Actually, I will start on a day in first grade: my first anxiety attack. I can still remember the fear. There was a storm and I was staring out big windows crying...sobbing...because I was afraid for my mom's life. Apparently, she felt in her soul that I needed her and came and got me. It was that intense...a cosmic cry for help that mother's (thank you Holy Spirit) feel.

Fast forward to one week ago. I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. How is one sound asleep woken with anxiety? I had been sick for three weeks prior to and decided at that moment I was going to the doctor in the morning.

I have tried: prayer, diet, exercise, knitting, sewing, writing, talking, breathing, more prayer, denial, acceptance.

My tipping point was the realization that I truly have dealt with the demons of my past and accepted and embraced my role a special needs mom. My marriage has been restored and my family has never been closer to God. Things are great. But I am full of anxiety. Seriously?

I struggle with the thoughts that I am a child of God who rests fully in His Protection. I have never once doubted that. As a child I would close my eyes and pictures His fiery angels holding hands around my bed...my house...my brother...my mom. He has brought us out of so much. Why would I ever need more than that knowledge to ease my mind?

I think the answer is near. I think that as my mind is learning to take flight, I will be more confident in putting those thoughts into words. Right now I am taking a very small pill every morning. For the first time in my life, I have been able to identify and dismiss a thought. In the past I have lost days of sleep ruminating over one thought which only intensified as I rebuked myself for knowing how stupid it was that I was unable to let it go.

Last night was my biggest test. It was my ten year anniversary. It was the most incredible day that I have ever spent with my husband. As I was falling asleep, my mind turned on me. The attack was swift and powerful. I have not had these memories of my former step father in many many years. For the first time, these memories did not cripple my mind...my relationship...me. I allowed myself to remember. I said my prayer of eternal thankfulness. I rolled over. I went to sleep.

I am taking these broken wings and learning to fly again.

God is still in control. I still have faith. I just needed to allow Him to give me a splint for a while. Before I know it, He will have me soaring on mended wings!

Introducing: my mama!!

Unfortunately I have to make this quick. So much has happened since my last blog entry...but now isn't the time for an update. Let's just say my entire house has almost been repainted! We are having a blast having OA home with us for a week, and I am soaking up every minute of him!

My mom started a blog. It is amazing!! Please take a minute to visit and comment! I will let her introduce her own story...let's just say...God has given her a key to unlock her life. It has been miraculous!

There is something beyond words between a mother and her daughter. I have never been more proud: Transparent Now

writer's block

i'm quite certain that it stems from lack of gluten, casein, or soy. i'm finally getting serious about my diet. too many "issues" have cropped up; the most significant one including blood. not gonna play around with intestinal bleeding. God has given my an answer of my strange illnesses. ridiculous for me to continue to ignore them so that i can indulge my cravings.

and when i say cravings...i mean: CRAVINGS.

my body is literally burning inside for something...anything...everything it cannot have. it is intense and relentless and irritating. but i am not going to succumb. and this time...when i finally make it over this volatile hill of flesh vs will power...i pray that i will not u-turn back into bad habits!

so say a prayer...more for my children and spouse! and much love on this lovely love weekend!

Great newly discovered blog!

The year of Jay-Bob's diagnosis I picked up knitting. There's something soothing about the clink-swish-clink-swish-yarn-between-my-fingers. I would get lost in knit and purl stitches...started sharing my time on the local book stores special needs section's floor with the local hobby stores...I would pace the aisles of yarn...touching them and dreaming of what they could become...breathing in all of their possibilities.

Looking back it is so obvious the appeal of transforming a ball of yarn into a beautiful project was so similar to having a child trapped in his own mind. The gentle art of transformation...or not so gentle in the world of autism. The last few years have amazed me.

Anyhow, Jay-man is getting better; we will always have certain hurdles to jump and quirky characteristics that will forever linger, but I am finding in my projects that are the hardest to complete, fraught with frustrating do-overs, and left with several scars of my inadequacies that only I the creator and fellow more experienced crafters will notice are by far my most favorite!

Mermaid must have sensed that I love challenges...HA...as her non-diagnosable issues led me to sewing! In all seriousness, I have stumbled upon MANY AMAZING new blogs. There's just something about creative women! There are several on my blog list; be sure to take some time and get acquainted! There's one that has stuck out the most, and she is fast approaching her goal of 400 followers. Please take a moment to view her blog: Noodlehead. But beware...you may end up asking for a sewing machine for Valentine's Day!!

running playlist

So I have been dying to post my running playlist here for others to enjoy and add suggestions...well...here it is:

oh wait...

nothing??

crap...what did I DO??

oh, that's right...I went and erased THE ENTIRE THING on accident whilst trying to post.

ARGH.

well...to be continued!!

In the mean time, what are your favorite songs to exercise to?