hope...there is hope...

so...i have worried about j-bob's future...is he going to resent not being able to eat pizza with his friends? how on earth can teenage-hood occur WITHOUT cheese dip?? will he ever fall in love, and if so will she be willing to endure cooking all of his special foods?

well...tonight i found a website: glutenfreesoyfreevegan

the author is a college student...oh my...there is hope...and how wonderful for me (not that i should matter)...if he happens upon a passionate foodie soul. he actually asked me the other day:

J: mommy? who will i marry?

M: ummm...well...honey...whomever God has you fall in love with

J: well...mommy...what if she says yes?

M: that's great...then you have chosen the right girl...

J: well...mommy...what if she says no...will i come home and live with you again?

M: well...if she says no...she's missing out...and yes...you can most def come home and live with me...but if you start asking God now to help you ask the right one...then maybe she won't say no.

J: so i'll be a daddy too...like you and daddy?

M: sigh...oh baby...mommy is NOT ready for you to grow up...

J: well mommy...i like anakin, r2d2, and obewankenobe

M: (thank God...much more comfortable with this kindof conversation) oh darlin'...i love you so much!!

note to self...we are NOT watching whatever movie it was that prompted this conversation...i am thinking it was beethoven 2...not sure...but will be screening EVERYTHING from here on out!

2nd note to self...if you would have promised me last year that this year my son would be capable of such back and forth...thought filled conversation...i would have burst into tears...screw the fact that he has to see things on tv to grasp their meanings...i will take every single amazing cotton pickin precious little thought that child shares with me!

sincerest-most-heartfelt-thankfulest-SIGH-ever...

slacker

i apologize for the lack of posting this last month or more...

i played around this am with new templates...i guess the blog gods want it to stay this way, because i can't change it to anything else...i liked this background alot...but it seems so dark and dreary...kind of debbie downerish...

so i am exhausted...wanted you to know...i made three A's and one C!!!

i got through this semester of my life...it's been THE most challenging thing i have ever done...not the school part...the marriage, motherhood, and money part. with the fear of totally over-sharing...all i can say is...i can't believe jon and i have survived. by the Grace of God...we have survived...we are stronger today than we've ever been...but it's taken some serious prayer, self-assessment, and love...and change...we have both been willing to open up...and change.

i have always wanted an out-of-the-box life...i have gotten it...i love it...i am thankful for it...and it breaks me every day...and broken is exactly how i hope to stay.

just a bit melancholy this evening...thank you all dear readers...this little blog (much like my running) has become free therapy...and a place of kindred friendships...the prayers you have said have helped hold my family together...

so i hope to have some light-hearted humor next post...beware...i haven't ranted of worms or bras in sometime...speaking of bras...HOW IN THE WORLD...is mine still on...the conservative liberal in me is mentally burning a stack of under wire satan bras right now!

sigh...i feel better already!

borrowed from my other blog

today i ran a 5-K with my friend...the jingle bell run by the rivermarket in little rock, ar...it was great fun...here's my post:

this was not a good race for Type A's as without a moment's notice...the race began...i stood there...people not even sort of organized thinking: what the...are you kidding me!!??

i did in fact have terror in my eyes as we could barely move much less run...my sistah (being the laid back chicca that she is) calmly took my hand and guided us through a maze of crazies: dogs, elfs, santas, hood ornament trophy wives...seriously...they were worse than the random dog poo in the road...i am so thankful i have a sole sistah who truly wants to run from within...some women today had makeup so thick, hair so perfected, and bodies so thin...i wondered if they even recognized who they were anymore...

anyhow...i have to say my new best friend is "cliff"...the few times i have eaten him prior to running...have been the best runs...BUT...i knew something was wrong when i kept having to glance over my shoulder to locate my friend...the blood donor...there was one point when i got pretty worried as my sistah DOESN'T STOP...EVER...i thought i was going to have to trip her and throw her skinny arse over my shoulders to finish the race...i learned today that my dear friend is STUBBORN...let's just say...i don't recommend giving a pint of blood and then running a race...though...i am so glad that we had to slow down...

there was a lady ahead of us...she was steadily hanging in there...she wasn't the smallest or the youngest...but man...she was tough...i wanted to cheer her on, but didn't want to seem patronizing...i didn't want to pass her, either...i was proud of her...it was very clear to me that she was taking her life back over...she ended up beating us...it was wonderful!

but there is a more vivid memory for me...one that has nicely haunted me all day...the race's course was a down and back...we made a loop around a block so we were able to watch everyone that was well ahead of us and also see the faces of those we were in front of...as i was taking in all the faces, feeling the music through my body, the sun on my face, and enjoying the faint jingle-jingle-jingle...i noticed that there was a mom pushing her child in a special wheel chair...they were last...only the police escorts followed them...i am sure my heart almost exploded and my breathing paused...any mom willing to bring her special needs child to a 5K is not a mom asking for pity...so i did not allow pity to pulse through my mind...instead...admiration...inspiration...i want to push someone who cannot physically do it themselves...i want them to have those moments...outside...people...life...what a race...

i am so glad my neurotic sidekick made us do this...life is in fact...good...sigh!

autism

i just read another mom's post...my heart is bleeding with pain for her thoughts, fears, worries, everyday concerns...we take so much for granted...

if you have a child capable of looking you in the eyes, and hugging you, and understanding their needs...

if you know the sound of: i wuv you, mama...

my God...do you need anything else...?

one year ago i realized my son was on the autistic spectrum...i don't know if that's when i stopped breathing...or finally started living...i will forever be thankful for my love of research...i think i have read more books this year than my entire life combined...

is jaden recovered? no.

is he better than he was a year ago? my God, yes.

does he have friends? incredible ones.

does he have a long journey ahead? who doesn't?

will he be ok? i believe!

has he already changed lives? undoubtedly!

do i still have mind-numbing attacks of panic and worry? all the time...but i am learning they are not just over autism...mermaid's behavior had no definition...no biomedical protocol...i guess i am at least thankful for some things 'autism'...actually...many things 'autism'...i celebrate my son's uniqueness...i just want his brain to be unclouded and his body to be healthy.

have i stopped comparing him to others? sigh...that's the hardest part ever...i just have to constantly tell myself...let it go...you wanted an out-of-the-box child...celebrate him...just the way he is today...if he never recovers beyond what he has today...be am thankful for every single step he's worked so hard for...

he's a fighter...my little boy...not so little anymore...double sigh...what does his future hold?

to all of the other mom's out there...hold on...

hold on to the small steps
hold on to your God
hold on to your other children
hold on to your husband
hold on to the friends and family that support you
hold on to the generosity of others
hold on to your hopes, your dreams, your faith
just hold on

don't stop living...your children need a whole mother...don't let autism rob more than your child's mind! this has been the hardest year of my entire life...and when there is nothing more for me to do...i just keep holding on...

glorious snot!

ahh...thanksgiving...typically it's my favorite holiday...this year i started off less in the mood...not the thankful part...just that it's so hard to gear up for feasting when all the gluten and casein makes a sister sick...i have been cheating more lately which has explained my crazy mood swings and terrible cramps...

all these years i thought it was girl pains...NOPE...gluten...sigh...well...that should be easy enough to fix...except that I LOVE FOOD!

BUT...my small family headed out t-day to wally world...grabbed a few things...i came home and prepared a huge salad, fruit salad, some hummus, chips, salsa, veggie tray, and the BEST dang turkey chili i have ever made! we had a late dinner and topped it off with a fabulous gfcfsfef chocolate cake...mermaid had it all over her and didn't even care!!

of course, in between, the OA had his traditional-non-traditional gyoza, and i made him an oreo ice cream cake...and bought him a cheese ball with wheat thins...oh the gluten-casein torture...of course i caved...could explain my glorious snot! OH...and i may have had the best double shot latte complete with cow's milk...EVER...so it turned out to be quite a remarkably low-key thanksgiving...OA and i agreed we preferred the simplicity of it...wish we could've zapped our family in FL over...they appreciate simple...sigh...we do miss them so...there are few times in my life that i would like to re-visit...the evenings laughing on our screened in back porch playing games and darts...man...talk about alive...the best part is...we knew it...those moments are so cherished...

today j-man, mermaid, and i are all sick...i have never thought i would nearly burst into tears of thanks over soft tissue...the granola in me is happy to use a shirt sleeve or a paper towel...but the liquid waterfall of my nose said: ENOUGH! and my sexy husband rescued me with some benedryl and kleenex!

so off to apply a thick layer of diaper rash ointment on my nostrils and surrounding area...ahh...sweet relief!

fartleks, tooth fairies, and thanksgiving

so, i love that i get to say: i fartlek'd today...and watch the expressions on people's faces...i saw a runner's t-shirt that said "who fartlek'd?"...gotta have it! it's a running technique btw...i was going to move on (topically) but i figured some would lose sight of all i had remaining to post dying to know what a fartlek was...

j-bob last his first tooth...it happened while i was in dallas...OA blogged pics and story...how great that he did that for me...we didn't tell j-man that it was the tooth fairy...but he told me on the phone that someone left money under his pillow, and he "sinks it wuz the toof fairy"...oh well...ya win some ya lose some...

i have to update on mermaid...i have been very concerned that she may have been showing some freaky signs of bi-polar...way too early for such a diagnosis...but...i have my concerns...anyhow...i think...THANK YOU JESUS...i may have finally figured it all out...i'll know next week...as she was showing some signs of episodic behavior but that may have been coincidental...i started her back on singulair...the pink stuff with phenylalnine...well...she'd get better for a while but then (i think) after those chemicals started building up...she'd react...SO...i'd take her off...the detox from chemicals would make her seem better...BUT...the problems of not getting adequate oxygen would spiral into bad behavior again...SO...our DAN! prescribed a white red 40 and phenylalanine free version of sigulair...thank you walgreens for being the only place to carry it!!...we are into the second week...still good behavior...this is to include me leaving and us going off of routine with the holidays...i even let her eat skittles the other day as a special treat...and she was (mostly) amazingly behaved!! the whole on-again-off-again with the singulair was an accident, and i am only guessing on all this...it's just the only thing i can pin-point as being the consistent possibility...again...if she spirals out of control again next week...i'll know more...or less...i shall say...but tonight...i am simply thankful that it's been almost two weeks of no two hour meltdowns...

i look back at the last year of my life...i kinda have to laugh...really, Lord??...but much like my training...when the long run finally comes to an end...and the entire time i have to keep turning off those negative self-talks i like to shout inside my head...i take a many exhausted deep breaths...wow...that wasn't so bad...i can do this...really...i can...and i think i may learn to like it in the end (or die trying)...this is why paul (from the Bible) refers to running the good race...life is one big race...sometimes i am so focused on just finishing that i forget that i am loving...and hating every single blessed minute of it!

if jon and i do nothing else right in this life...thank You Lord...for the childhood we are giving our children...that every childhood could be so cherished...our children are growing up faster than i ever imagined...my son spends 50% less time in my face...sigh...he wants to ride the school bus for crying out loud...my heart is in a vice grip...how thankful am i to have the tough decision to make of once again...slowing down my own school...to enjoy the rapidly fleeting moments of childhood with my beloved angels...how can i ever think i have nothing to be thankful for...!!??

and have you seen my husband!!?? a granola can only be so deep...give me a break...you'd melt too for that crooked smile and big dimple!

wounds

i have come to dallas for a long over-due time of rest...i have had more time to think in the last two days than i have had in the last five years...

i have just realized that i have wounds from my past...wounds i didn't realize i still had...ironically, i scar very easily...the deeper the wound the bigger the scar tissue...i think they are called keloids...i am pretty sure my heart has many, too...the things from childhood...the smallest...the biggest...things...can be so wounding.

over the years, i have minimized my wounds...and instead i have begun taking on the wounds of those hurting around me...gladly assuming their scars...i guess it's been a way of hiding from my own.

until yesterday...i am pretty sure i have never been completely vulnerable to my husband...nine years of marriage...two beautiful children...and still not complete vulnerability...we make a damn good team...we are the best of friends...great lovers...but still...why can i not surrender my heart...

the same reason i fear God...fear that He is going to rip the rug right out from under me...because i have too much scar tissue...this trip...i am surrendering myself...i can trust my God, and i can trust my husband...i have got to stop hiding...i bleed my heart dry...leaving it empty...protected...safe...strong...

He promises i am strong when i am weak...i choose my strength to come from my vulnerability...i choose not to walk away...not to hide...not to be afraid...anymore.

i choose to trust...i choose to have a mind-blowing God-centered marriage...and i know when i get back...i am coming back to a man who is also choosing to change...a man i can trust...a man who does in fact love me...very very much...

a man who is not responsible for what happened in my past, a man who would never hurt me, a man who would never leave me, and a man who has promised to protect me...and our children...forever.

there are mistakes in our lives...and i am thankful these for mistakes...they remind me of Mercy, they remind me of Grace, and they bring me to my knees...it is there...i am fully surrendered...it is there...i feel healing...it is there...the pain goes away...

new running blog

ok...so remember the whole gonna slow down...take things off my plate...

well...i have started a separate blog to chronicle my training for the little rock half (or whole if you are crazy) marathon...

due to the personal things i may relate...i am setting it up as a subscribe only...or whatever it is...i think you have to get permission to read it...no offense taken if you are not interested in reading about my shin splints and miles and miles of pain...but solar is joining me on my masochistic quest to train for a half marathon...so i thought it'd be great to share our misery together...

misery does love company!

granola chics run

enjoy!!

don't sweat the small stuff

well...i have made a huge decision...esp for this type A, perfectionistic granola...if there is such a thing...no wonder i have issues...those traits don't easily co-exist with one another...

anyhow...i am slowing down. there is a project option in one of my classes...if you don't do them...your highest earn-able grade is a C...just typing that makes my heart beat faster, breathing shorter, and i am quite sure i just talked myself out of a mini-panic attack...a C...really...am i going to allow myself to take a C!?

well, yes...i am...i consider it therapy for one...who the heck cares about a freaking C...well besides other type A's...can i tell you...dear readers what i HAVE earned this semester?? A's on all tests (well i made an 88 on one test that i didn't study for and was sick while taking), papers, and assignments...yes...in addition to sending my less than one year's ASD diagnosed son to kindergarten...in addition to starting a new diet and therapies for my daughter...in addition to the one hundred other ridiculous/wonderfully rewarding things i sign myself up for EVERYDAY!? i think a C won't keep me from Heaven...which...is my ultimate goal anyhow...not to mention spending the precious and amazing moments of childhood with my rug-rats...and squeezing all the sexy love out of my man...and loving the incredible friends God has blessed me with...that's what counts...

today...i am slowing down...(my mom will read this...laugh...and say...uh huh...and for how long!?) well...the idea is not to stop...just start constantly evaluating my choices...BEFORE...i make them...i am learning...i am great at making objective and well-thought decisions with the big stuff...it's in all the: sure, i'll do it...oh, ok...i don't mind to do that...and why don't you let me....

so can i get some reminders when i get my grades at the end of the semester? OA is supportive, relieved, but a tad nervous that the reality of a C will send me straight over the edge...autism, merminator, marriage, financial difficulties...nothing i can't handle (in His Mercy)...but a freaking C...oh my...maybe i should start working on that project after all...

realities of motherhood

there are moments when motherhood is so inexplicably amazing...moments when you are capable of wrapping your mind around the sacrifice, the new identity, the sheer brilliance of childhood...

and then there are other moments...the ones no one prepares you for...sitting outside a classroom listening to people dissect your child's abilities, watching your daughter fight to breathe, the worry, the concern, the desperation...the love that is so intense...yet so ultimately helpless...

last night and today have been such moments for me...do i blog them? do i let other's into the desperate moments of my soul...what if there is one other mom who needs to know that there are days...hours...minutes...that you want to give up, run away, scream...

self-pity...today i pitied myself...even said a curse word in the direction of Heaven...but what brings me through these moments...how do i keep from giving up?

the caring friend who didn't blink a judging eye as she watched me throw the word in frustration at God...the friend who instead acted as the hands and feet of my Saviour and helped my little girl calm down...at least a bit...

my mom...who knows that sound in my voice means i am rapidly coming unraveled...who drops it all to come and give me a much needed night of re-grouping...my mom who worries for me just as i worry for mermaid...it must never get easier...

my mother-in-law who so intuitively knows over the miles that her family was hurting...who listens, who loves, who understands despite the distance...

my God...who isn't changed by the anger i expressed...who instead forgives, understands, heals...

i pitied myself for a moment...and yet...i know, i trust, i believe...

i. will. survive. this.

we. will. survive. this. together.

miracles and trials

well first things first...

saturday, in the midst of frenzied cleaning...the mermaid starting asking some tough questions...they got my attention, so i slowed what i was doing and answered them...

my almost four year old daughter was curious about how Jesus felt about men who don't like Him or are mean to Him...i explained that it breaks Jesus' heart, but He still loves them...that's why He came...because we all make bad choices sometime...anyhow...Heaven was addressed (again by her questioning)...she said she wanted to go to Heaven and live with Jesus...so we prayed for Jesus to come and live in her heart forever...

it was incredible...right in the middle of a busy saturday afternoon full of chores and checklists...my baby girl asked Jesus into her heart...how thankful i am to have been apart of that decision....

you know...just relating that story makes the financial pressures of today seem so insignificant...how thankful i am for my children...and for my amazing husband who constantly sacrifices for the sake of "recovering" our children...and who so unnecessarily carries the financial burden on his shoulders...may God bless him and reveal to him that he can cast that burden somewhere else...that we aren't suffering as a family...rather...working together and leaning on Him...sigh...i woke up this morning thinking i had so little when in fact...i have so much...

my big decision is continuing school next semester...we are officially down to one car as of today...and my going to school has placed a tremendous financial burden on my family...am i wrong...rushing...not listening to God...should i be focused on the sacrifice of today for the blessing of tomorrow...finishing school would nearly double our income...do i really want to work...am i supposed to be satisfied with near poorness...figuring out how to make it as a stay-at-home-mom...sigh...is God asking me to quit school one more time?? or am i just not trusting He will provide me with the means to finish...sigh, sigh, sigh.

i have struggled with this since giving birth...can mommies be professionals AND mommies...i know it happens everyday...but my personality isn't very good at balance...HA...just thinking of me being balanced makes me laugh...kindof an all-or-nothing girl...oh well...right now i just need to pray for God to help me get back and forth to UALR for one more month...i have worked way too hard to not finish this semester...blessings...focus on my blessings...they are many...many indeed...

sigh...

so i am a bit down today...for reason i won't express...as i can't even discuss politics for one second...SSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!

wow...i needed that...ok...so here's an old post...needed some inspiration for week two...and i also want to focus on what i can control...not what i cannot...

MOTION:

last summer (or two summers ago...who knows) i caught myself glaring at a hot mom on the beach while we were on vacation...not only did i split my capris (my fat-pants-capris) on that trip...i also had a good friend ask me if i was four months pregnant...AND not one time (in beautiful FWB, FL!!??) did i put on a bathing suit...

This was my second summer to not take my kids swimming past the kiddy pool in our back yard...RIDICULOUS! i took every energy and fat burning pill...i did weight watchers...i thought it had to be my thyroid...(or the 30 year mark for my body with two kids)...

it all started to change when i gave up meat for almost 6 months...as healthy as i think being a vegetarian is...i don't think vegetarianism was the answer as much as having to stop and think about EVERYTHING i put into my mouth...not to mention...vegetarian diets aren't usually embraced by the fast food *chemical* chains we were frequenting all too often...

and then i discovered: running...or in my case 'junning'...as it's way more of a jog than a run...the key to running? good tunes...good shoes...hydration...will power...

i love running...i love how i feel after i have done just one more song longer than i thought i could...i love pushing myself...the alone time i have with my thoughts and my God...He speaks to me when i run...sometimes i can run long and sometimes i have to be satisfied with just walking...sometimes i look at my goal...the end of the street...i demand myself to keep my eyes firmly fixed on my goal...other times i only allow myself to look one foot in front of the other....one step at a time...you can do this...don't stop...don't give up...one more step...

always...i am sad that it's over...always...i am a better person for doing it...always...i teach my kiddos that feeling good is an active choice...we have to choose to be happy...we have to choose to be healthy...we have to choose to refuse a mediocre life...

i will never again be the one who glares at a mom because she is healthy enough to wear a bathing suit and play with her children on the beach...i will not settle for what my 31 year old body tries to tell me is acceptable...God has blessed me with the ability to be in motion...with the ability to teach my daughter how to have a positive self-image...how not to hate her body for the things she can control and how important it is to have an outlet...a release for more than the way it makes me look...rather the way it makes me feel....the time it gives me to think...clear the clutter of my thoughts...enjoy God's creations...it's powerful...it's exhilarating...

it's EXHAUSTING...let's be honest...i feel every dang muscle in my out of shape body...BUT I LOVE IT!! bunions and all!!!!

half marathon and halloween

it's official...i am registered for my first half-marathon...my friend granola-sis-extraordinaire is joining me...OA said there is no backing out now...if i try to back out he's gonna tie me to the back of a car and drag me for 13.1 miles...

i sooo married that man for his looks...speaking of...i need to post the pic of how hot he looks in his sunglasses...oh, sorry...

anyhow...we started training this week...monday starts the official 19 week countdown...any takers?? little rock marathon...come on...i think solar should SO do this with me!! i'm working on a great play list...would love any suggestions...

tonight was great...the kiddos traded their hard earned trick or treated candy for a special toy...worked out great for OA...who insisted that i buy candy instead of fruit to pass out...again...the dynamics of a granola marrying a preppy jock...at least we still flirt (when we aren't refraining from killing each other)...

santa claus and candy disclaimer

please, especially, if you are a stranger happening onto my blog...i am SO not trying to offend...definitely not trying to call anyone names...mostly trying to speak out against the extremes...and sadly...very recently...more than several times...my or my friend's children...have been pitied or ridiculed for their diets...THAT's what frustrates me...well and the request for every child to bring a freaking bag of candy...i won't go there again *smile*

and on the santa issue...

i have always struggled with this area...i most definitely want my children to have a spectacular childhood...i would NEVER EVER infringe my personal convictions on any other family...i have a unique situation in that my son is very literal...his mind doesn't explain away white lies...or fantasies...we have to clearly lay out what is real and what is imaginary...i trust that God is constantly revealing Himself to my children...i simply never want to cloud those revelations with "believable fantasies"...we watch santa movies and read santa books...we just don't make a big deal...beauty of my children...much like their special diets...the less of a deal i make about it...the less they care!

we didn't do santa at all one year...then last year...i caved to the INCREDIBLE peer pressure...and we emphasized him a bit more...allowing him the main present under the tree...but this year...knowing what i know now about j-bob's thought processes...i will not be making that same mistake again...

again...this is MY personal conviction...everyone has their own...please...ESPECIALLY...if you are not familiar with my tired rants...please don't take offense to my thoughts...they are simply that...my thoughts...i do appreciate everyone's comments...sometimes they cause me to back up and re-read my entry with a different perspective...i am learning...it's better to disclaimer a thought than run the risk of injuring another's feelings!

thank you dear readers for the time you give to my tired rants!

can u tell i have free time!!??

last post i promise...

WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST ON CELEBRATING HOLIDAYS WITH FAT-INDUCING- CHEMICAL-FILLED-TEETH-AND-BRAIN-ROTTING CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

whew...i feel better now...sadly i am not attending b-bob's school "fall festival" as it is centered around "games" that offer candy as the reward...aka centered around candy...i can assure each and every dear reader that if my son's fall festival occurs during the school hours, and can i add, that EVERY PARENT was asked to bring a BAG OF CANDY... really??? how many bags of candy is that really!!?? to school...WHAT THE HECK ARE WE TEACHING OUR KIDS!!?? is it just this ridiculous in the south?? i already want to move to oregon...or even montana...oh...back to if his festival is during school hours...i will be OUTRAGED!

but come on...and yet i, and my circle of friends (thanks to my daughters montessori preschool), are looked on as such radicals (yes...montessori is a religious cult and they chant and...JOKE...it's an educational philosophy)...

the sad whispers that follow us as we walk away: i mean, how sad, i can't believe they don't let their kids have candy!!?? ...judgey stares penetrate our backs...

the best is the public outrage when we dare suggest an alternative to candy...

seriously...i almost cannot stand it...dear Lord...can you imagine if they knew i don't want my kids to believe in santa claus??!! i'd be seriously stoned...you know...down here in the Bible belt...sigh...

Lord, seriously....please help me to be just as tolerant to peoples' close mindedness...as they are to my open mindedness...

i honestly can't figure out why american children are struggling with diabetes, obesity, behavior problems, allergies...hmmm...(scratching head...puzzled look)!?

you know...kids do like healthy food, too! isn't it sad that many parents don't even realize this!? and the best part is how sweet those cookies do taste...in moderation.

please no pity for my household...my five year old and three year old are teaching me about self-control and good choices...mermaid cries if her daddy eats "chemicals"...they both cry if i offer to only feed them junk food so that they will stop growing up to be healthy:

NO mommy...give us helfee food...pwease...we want to grwow up helfee!

artwork

ok...i must say that i feel like quite the pc genius right now...i hope this comes through...and since i am awful at sending the collections of artwork to the kiddos nana and pop-pop and grandma bush...i am attempting to ease my guilty conscience by scanning and posting, as i am not limited by daylight and business hours! though...i do have said collection ready...it's simply (and sadly) affording the envelopes and stamps...really...times are tough...as we all know...i am thankful for in-laws who never ever make me feel guilty and are always so understanding...

anyhow...i love this picture...it's our house and dog...and his first attempts at making clouds...he always puts apples in his trees as his school just had an apple theme...i will try and dig out his picture of two ships...the details were incredible...

also, mermaid is quite the artist...she's been writing her name for several months now...and i swear she will be able to teach kindergarten by the time she gets there...i am actually worried she will be bored...much like her daddy...she is WAY ahead of her times...geez...speaking of mermaid...this morning she ran up to her daddy and wrapped her arms around his neck...smacked a big kiss (despite the fact that it would "mess up her wipstick!!??")...and said:

i wuv you daddy, i wuv you daddy, i wuv you daddy...

i think the OA almost cried...she's never ever been so loving to him...can we get a HALLELUJAH for gluten free casein free soy free egg free and dye free...i fear soon to be corn free too...but you know what...bring it on...we are healthier and happier than ever...sigh!

parent teacher conference

i sat outside the room half trying to listen to the other parent's report...as i looked around the growingly familiar hall...i started noticing...j-bob's work is virtually undetectable from the other kids...his teacher came to the door...thanked the parent before me...and in i went...

was i really nervous? seriously? i talk to this teacher every day...but this was different...this was about test scores and comparisons...it's gone against everything i have been protecting myself and my child against for at least a year....even our play dates are carefully selected perfectly imperfect children OR extremely compassionate and accepting children.

"this will only take a minute," i heard her say...

"jaden is a wonderful little boy," she continued...

"he only received a needs improvement in one area: neatness of work"

"just so you know...that's very typical for his age"

"the number three is the highest he can receive...it means at or above level"

as she continued to talk i found myself rapidly scanning the papers in front of me...all threes...she was still talking, and i was holding back the tears that were stinging my eyes...my God...i only had one question:

well...as the year continues...and his work intensifies...will you be able to know if he is going to have any significant learning disabilities...because...his OT (brilliant woman) was seeing some possible red flags for dyslexia...but i am thinking...he's going to be ok? i just don't want to get my hopes up...it's just...i never imagined he'd be doing so well so quickly...(i kept my composure but on the inside...actually...there is no adequate words to describe the realization that the battle we have been fighting together as a family...was slowly beginning to bring us out as the possible victors...)

i hugged the papers in my arms...my son had all A's...my son had all A's...with little to no work modification...he asks and answers content relevant questions...my son...the little boy who no less than one year ago was jumping on the trampoline for four hours with his patient father as his withdrawl symptoms were at their worst...the little boy who no less than a year ago had NO imaginative play...who just began asking questions at all...much less relevant content related...my son...who God has never failed...ever...

we still have hurdles...but i am not as scared...not as worried...at least today...for today i am singing and dancing in celebration of my son's success...

thank You God. we are so very very blessed.

and another thing

out of curiosity...this is coming from a statistic i just read about adhd and ritalin...why in the WORLD would we not examine diets before giving our children meds that affect their brain???

anyhow...since we have changed the mermaid's diet...her need for discipline has decreased by 60%!!!!?????? everyone coming into direct contact with her has noticed the change...what did i do??? i removed gluten, casein, soy, and chemicals from her diet...the few more minutes of menu planning and cooking is far better spent than the constant interruption from temper tantrums and negative behavior. she isn't "perfect"...she's still a willful three year old...but now...finally...we are getting to know our little girl, and we are also able to successfully address, in love, the issues at hand.

i must also add...when you have a chronically unhappy child...it becomes very demoralizing...it is essential for us as parents to make sure we are setting our children up for success...it's hard because we can't ignore bad behavior just because a child is miserable...but i find it almost wrong to constantly punish a child who is reacting from chemicals and food...unfortunately...the "issues" i still have to deal with in mermaid...consists of an entire year of excusing bad behavior due to her "inability" to control herself...it's a fine line...i just wish every parent with an excessively unhappy child could know about diet modification...

j-bob has successfully saved his sister's life (or at least the value of her life's experience)...it's true that the oldest is the learning curve for all that follow...how i praise my God for revealing to me not to hold my daughter down for her shots...sigh...and even though it's a year later...how thankful i am that my family is finally gfcf...the changes in my daughter completely amaze me...and they give me hope...

hope that someday my son can come home and tell me how is day was at school...hope that eventually it won't hurt j-bob to look me in the eyes...hope that eventually i won't have to act as a translator for my son to the rest of the world...hope that he will know beyond a shadow of a doubt with his very literal and scientific mind that he has a God so big...He makes autism look so very small.

holy mocha soy latte batman

ok sorry...the kiddos are hooked on scooby doo these days...now that they are 3 and 5, i have taken a more laid back approach on "educational only" tv...there's only so much dora one person can handle...i haven't given in to the sponge bob revolution...mainly bc j-bob already finds humor in the disgusting, and i am constantly having to remind him that the school may not find his "pee and poo" humor quite as funny as we do...he happens to be the child of two parents who still laugh if someone passes gas...very pre-adolescent humor...oh well...to each his own...i have found myself relating a story and half way through thinking: dear Lord...i am in my 30's...this isn't supposed to be so funny...hence the half-opened-disbelieving-looks on my friends...well...no my friends are all pretty great about being real...it's when i branch out to other's friends (i am a friend snob...only real friends for me...well...sometimes i can sense someone just needs some real-ness encouragement...it's always great to watch an unreal adult branch out and become real)

okok...totally off on a tangent...gotta study...hence the very few blog entries...BUT...i wanted to leave you all on these thoughts...

this morning i was honored to sit in the middle of j-bob's social skills group. there are four other boys on the spectrum ranging from 5-9 years of age. we were playing a game...the WH-game. they had a picture in front of them and had to answer when, what, why, who, and where questions...truly...my heart melted at the difficulty of this game for some of them. but they didn't get all hung up on the struggles...instead they pushed ahead...kept trying until they got the right answer...and listening to their giggles and supportive "conversations" was great...the fact that five boys with autism were having to be reminded to have quiet mouths and to stop giggling...just like "regular" kids...but the best part was watching them get to pick their prize at the end...you would think that this was the hardest decision they would ever have to make...i love it...

but my most most favorite part was when the other moms were discussing the future sessions with the therapist...instead i got the sweetest young man talking to me about all kinds of things i know nothing about (specific airplanes)...but his spirit...my goodness...it is so incredibly sweet...they all surrounded me and totally invaded my personal space...i loved it...there is something about thinking outside the box...i think the scariest part of autism well...the understood-half-recovered-my-child's-no-longer-in-pain-autism...is the reaction and ignorance of those outside our (other families with autism) world...when i am with my family at home...i rarely see what i don't have...when with playing with other families who has a special needs kiddo...i rarely see what i don't have...it's only when i am faced with the real world...the questions, the assumptions, the inability to speak outside the box...

today...i see more than what i don't have...i see what other people don't have...i see these amazingly brilliant children willing to fight to answer a WH-question...not because they want to impress someone...not because their mommy might be disappointed...but because...well...that's the name of the game...i mean really...isn't that what the rules said to do...HA...the literalness...it's so amazingly refreshing...

talk about real. and that's the part society can't handle...that's the part i never want recovered!

100th post...the pressure!!??

gosh...i've been mind-blogging all week...so many good things i have had stored up in my mind...only to forget them all the minute i realize that this is my 100th blog!!?? have i really rambled 100 different times?

well we must throw in a *sigh*

i am happy. i think the diet's working...i am happy, losing weight, experiencing considerably less in the anxiety department...did i mention i was happy? it's really a crazy feeling...i struggled for happiness for so long...much like i think my daughter has...and all along...it's been sitting right there...but the crap i was eating was fogging up my brain...or shall i say "happiness-o-meter"...oh americans...how vain we are...we so cannot see the forest through the trees...that would require getting outside and slowing down a bit...

today my children fed ducks, got muddy, went to their gi-maws house, played outside well into the dark...their gi-paw set up tents, and they played with flashlights and balked at the half moon...it was a night made of keepable memories...today my son brought his "skills" and my daughter brought her smile...it was wonderful...they have friends, they have family (and some family far away that our hearts miss dearly!), and they have Jesus...j-bob's prayer over dinner...i cannot remember specifics...only the way he scrunches up his face and earnestly squeezes his fists in prayerful petition to a God he trusts with his childlike faith...it's so very comforting.

God is always faithful...He even helps with little things like...bitterness and resentment...a few weeks ago i was ready to run...run away from all i loved...i truly felt the world was crushing the life out of me...today...i am so glad i threw myself at His loving Mercy...that i didn't give up...that He is the giver of all good things...my mother-in-law told me once: always think it (decisions)forward...

i am thankful for those wise words...i have listened and done just as she said...and so far...it and God's Grace are what has helped me get through the hard times...out of the valley and back on the mountain!

keepable memories...i love days like today...oh, God...that my children will know You are the giver of keepable memories...wrap Your protective hands around their lives...thank You...sigh, sigh, sigh...(good sighs!)

mother warriors~jenny mccarthy

i couldn't read this book as fast as louder than words...i think i wanted to marinate over each story.

the other day OA and i were trying to find a parking space at the lovely wal-mart. an elderly lady was crossing the crosswalk area with her walker...we had to wait what seemed forever for her to get by...my window was down and she kindly looked up and apologized...my heart squeezed little twinges of pain..."no, take your time," was all i said...as i watched her i wondered: is she lonely...does her family visit...is her husband still alive...why is she all alone? i told OA all the thoughts i had while watching her...he shook his head...i have been accused of over analyzing things too much...but i cannot help it...i struggle with carrying other's pain...my motto: i am a good shoulder to cry with, not on...is very much true.

so, reading these stories...well...yes they offered hope...but they also ripped my heart open...wide open and exposed fears, disappointments, and frustrations that i have energetically buried.

as i experienced today with merminator...a day i am hoping is a result of withdrawal sprinkled with behavior issues...instead of behavior issues sprinkled with withdrawal...i am reminded...it's not easy to be a mother...special needs child or not...motherhood is by far the most demanding, frustrating, humbling, mind-blowing thing i have/will ever do. it's also rewarding but on days like today...i find myself just thankful to have made it through. honestly, i am not a good mom...but i am a humble and thankful mom...humble and thankful sprinkled with a little bit of exhaustion and anger...but that's ok...as long as i don't become an exhausted and angry mom sprinkled with a little bit of humility and thankfulness...

environmental toxins are real...they are scary...and this book has the most amazing chapter about canaries in the mines...they used to use canaries to fly around the mines as theses are so sensitive to dangerous gases...if they died...the coal miners wouldn't go down...if they lived...they knew it was safe. mccarthy illustrates our sensitive spectrum kiddos to these canaries...she believes that they are warning us...trying to show us how to have cleaner lives...i'm listening to my canaries...and thank You God that You have consistently pointed me in the right direction...moms...dads...always follow your instincts...they are the warning flags from Heaven.

smiling eyes

your eyes have always been so intense

so dark...like coal...

they rarely convey your emotion

just a dark serious stare

always so difficult to define

my dark volitile beauty

there's a fire in there

i can see the sparks

just waiting to be fanned

you've been screaming all these years for help

i have only been hearing the noise

i am listening now

i hear you begging for help-pleading

mommy...mommy...mommy

soon, baby...soon

your eyes will be smiling...

oh, how i long to see that day...

when those dark eyes are free to burn with happiness...

intense happiness...

serious joy...

a bright beauty who will change the world!

day 2...day 3...my motley crew

ok...i'm trying to remember yesterday...OH, yes...Mermaid's teacher reported that she sat in the middle of group and told a story...to everyone...and laughed...!!!!!!?????

what's the big deal? don't all almost-four-year-olds do that? NO!! they don't! especially my overly intense shy little beauty. it's observably difficult for her to bring herself to speak to some...many...let alone let loose and tell a story and include laughter...laughter from the merminator is a special gift in and of itself!!

it's not all perfect...she had some hidden dairy yesterday in some rice chips...READ ALL LABELS!! and we had a one hour bootie-itching episode which included lots of screaming and crying...but we worked through it...she slept well from 11pm til 6am...which is a five hour reprieve for me...so...she's making strides!

best part is that my dear granola sister started this diet for herself, and three of her kiddos...one of which happens to be j-bob's best friend and most likely somewhere on the spectrum...

this morning O-livy (j's name for her) and the E-meister were dropped off at my house at 6:15am...all i can say is that before i knew it...my two gamers (the boys) were at the table doing a freaking ART PROJECT!!?? and the beauties (aka future PETA presidents ) were beside them...all sittng together doing a self-motivated art project...sharing...problem solving (you know bc four children and one box of markers is just evil!)...not only did this transpire...but to be included was: JOY!

real joy was being shared by these kiddos...it was amazing. E-meister even proceeded to jump up from the table squeal and yell: i'm screaming like a girl...hahahaha! he told a joke!! (anyone familiar with the literalness of our ASD kiddos knows...jokes are great!)

i'm amazed...simply amazed. amazed by God's goodness...amazed by the simplicity of changing our diets...amazed that so many people don't know or won't try...the excuses are plentiful...i myself have been using them for over a year...

and moms...as we swallow our pills...eat our junk...don't take care of ourselves...sacrifice everything we have...you know...for the sake of our families...THAT'S not what our families need. i will go to hell and back for my children...but if i fall apart on that journey...what good have i done? it is ESSENTIAL that we start nurturing our own health...as modeling good behavior is far more effective...it is also essential that we remember as our children recover...they are truly experiencing life for the first time...with joy...don't be a joy-robber...cherish their (and your) hard work...don't just check off the latest accomplishment and start worrying about the next...slow down...slow down...slow down. hold hands, go for a walk, play a board game on the floor, read a story, act out a Bible story...get real...be thankful...enJOY the journey that our children...spectrum or not...take us on. Oh, and those still married...don't forget your husband needs a bit of attention sometimes, too.

(note...that whole lecture was for me...! as i am reading Mother Warriors...instead of studying...oops! i am realizing that i have become comfortable...yet wrapped up in life...not experiencing life...i also realized that i am still pissed about autism...in general...mostly bc i believe it could be prevented...and at the very least treated...but so many MDs are not willing...anyhow...i have also realized...i am scared to hope for full recovery...just saying that takes my breath...but as i read this book...and watch my children...i am reminded that if this is as good as it ever gets...it's DAMN GOOD...and i need to always thank God for how far He's brought my family...)

day 1...gfcf...dye free

i am spewing negative energy...pretty sure this is more of a detox reaction to not having my sugar-filled-casein-loving-latte(s)...i will be making a coconut milk latte at home in the am...or just taking a shot of espresso black...as my headache is to die for. also, my entire body aches...again...i am thinking detox issues...or the fact that we were in the ER monday with mermaid due to her extremely high fever, thought i saw a little seizure, and she woke up crying that she couldn't breathe...sigh...

i can only say...she's been extremely sick...i am convinced more than ever that she should have been on this diet for as long as j-bob has been...i am starting an entire year late...

since beginning the diet (ok...we started...slipped up due to sickness...might i add...the itchy bootie and horrible behavior reappeared when we derailed...no cheating started today) she's most definitely starting to talk alot more...some thoughts here...some thoughts there...her thoughts are great...and they always take me by surprise as i am so used to her being silent. i believe that if you have a child who CAN talk but WONT...there needs to be some investigation...and when our children DO talk...we need to slow our busy lives down a bit and LISTEN. listen because there are plenty of parent's desperately pleading before God to hear their child's voice, listen because we never ever get these precious days back, listen because we never know when it may be the last time we get to hear, and listen because what they are telling us just may save their life.

i love my children...to a fault, i think. i am learning after nearly nine years of marriage...love looks so differently than i'd imagined...my daughter's dark eyes full of sick girl tears staring intently at me as i deep sigh and mumble about how exhausted i am...yet her gaze never ever waivers...even when i suck...she still loves me...doesn't even question...

i so need some time with my Lord...i could grasp so much more beauty from this life of mine if my heart was where it should be...sigh...lonely...exhausted...sigh.

okok...this is not a great advertisement for going gfcf...but bear with me...our DAN! says it always gets worse before it gets better...i kind of view it as punishment for abusing my body for 31 years...i bet in one week...i'll be singing love poems about the OA when i wake up...ummm...well...we shall see...God did make the mornings...i should love and appreciate them...maybe if just once...i could get a FULL night's sleep...aaaaaa...imagine.

should be cleaning...

ahh...i could get used to this whole not working and sending the kids off to school business! my house is a complete DISASTER. j-bob got his first tardy slip at school and my former boss was the watch-dog dad greeting the cars...i was mortified when i looked at the inside of my car...it looked like book bags, lunch boxes, and toy boxes puked inside my car. well, that's kind of how my house looks except include toilet bowl rings.

i did get all the trash out of my car...i did grocery shop...which in my defense takes twice the amount of time allowing me to read all the labels...as mermaid likes other food than j-bob so now i am having to edit her grocery items, too.

so the day before yesterday, mermaid had a dietary infractions AND didn't get an enzyme...within hours she was screaming that her booty itched and all details aside...i honestly had an out of body experience in order to deal with the following three hours. in the morning, i called her therapist and my friend...who should be paid to be my therapist...crying. my friend is an AMAZING mother in Christ...and parents exactly the way i think God designed...so i took many wonderful notes and readily accepted her advice. she encouraged me in many ways as far as discipline, but also supported the dietary changes.

well, yesterday we had a completely gfcfsf, dye free day for mermaid...and she was INCREDIBLE. i even challenged her with removing my way-too-many-choices that i typically give and simply acted like a mama...as necessary giving direct commands...usually these demands would be met with an immediate fight...NOPE...not yesterday..."ok mommy" and "yes mam" was all i got...SO...if that's not evidence that diet makes a difference...i don't know what is...i am tempted to schedule an infraction a month from now and video tape the results...i am willing to bet that would make some sceptics become believers...but i am too scared to intentionally cause her to feel awful. we did that with j-bob once, and i cried on the floor while we were time-out holding him as my orally defensive child tried to bite me...it was a night-mare...i kept telling him: i am so sorry...mommy is so sorry...we will NEVER give you milk again!!

which leads me to my last thought...i retract thinking my daughter is ASD...i think lots of kids being labeled ASD are really environmentally and chemically toxic children whose bodies cannot handle/absorb/process the world we are throwing them into or more like throwing into them. and not only our children are being affected...how many parents are daily swallowing pills to help us cope...would we not also benefit from evaluating what we put inside our bodies?? what's amazing to me is that i have the faith and first-hand view of a changed diet's benefits for my son...why has it taken me another year to realize that mermaid's behavior: constant unhappiness, fit-ful sleep, drastic mood-swings, asthma, etc. could be the result of what i was putting into her body...i get so angry with people who roll their eyes, change the subject, and patronize me when i talk about j-bob's diet...yet...i have been so reluctant to do the same for mermaid...

i am next...my entire life i have struggled with my tummy hurting, sinus problems, mood swings, cloudy memory, my skin burning, random rashes, etc...are any of you screaming: gluten, milk, food dyes...?? well..if you are not...then you need to go back to the beginning of my blog and read every single post...then...i bet you'll be willing to take the plunge with me. i have 8 more coffees on the coffee card my mom just bought me...i am pledging when that card is finished...i will go gfcf-dye free, too. (sometimes i can handle soy...will probably rotate it unless i have issues)...if any of you have similar issues...feel free to join me...let's say...october 1 is the d-day..ironically...it was one year ago i started j-bob...i should blog next time about specific things we've seen changed in him...it's totally amazing...really...God is so incredibly amazing...it was those nights of constant screaming and no sleep that led me to my knees begging my God to please lead me to the right answer with j-bob...here i am in the same place with mermaid...i am so excited to see what He does in her life this next year...i believe with all my heart that my sweet happy little girl has been hidden inside all along...she's just needed a break from her body's chemical...biological reaction to certain foods...just as jaden's mind was freed...i believe merci's spirit will be freed...it seems so incredibly weird...a little too simple (or not simple at all!)...

sigh...happy eating! btw...why do we need yellow-5 in freaking lemon pepper?? anyone?? and to top it all off...good old fashioned canned fruit medley...in pear juice...yep...cherries are colored artificially...you know b/c if the cherry isn't red enough...we'll take it back...GROAN!

should be studying

i should be studying but i have the house to myself with no drs appointment or therapy sessions to whisk a child to...i am in HEAVEN! is it possible that heaven will be in the form of a soft cozy robe with a steaming hot cup of coffee and a good book? all alone...quiet...just Jesus occasionally peeking in to make sure i am doing well...i know i know...don't stone me...heaven isn't going to be about me...but when i finally get there...heaven will include that wonderful part of no more selfish attitudes...until then...i am a big flesh-fightin' fool.

ok. so i am thinking that "here i go again"...and of course...it's an uphill battle bc the "professionals" told me not to worry, along with every other tom, dick, and harry...but that nagging voice inside...that random post on a group that i have had no time to read...but happened to read just this one today...i don't know...i honestly think mermaid is showing...has always showed some signs of ASD...there are just too many things...though...i am not going to fight to label her...as i think she will do just fine without it (thanks to biomedical treatments!! and her behavior therapy...you know for ODD-ha)...BUT...i am going to promptly remove gluten, casein, and soy from her diet. i am also going to start her on the same supplements as j-bob and if we could afford it...i would send her to our DAN...

maybe it's just wishful thinking...bc of course...i am that mom who wants there to be something wrong with both of my kids...or...bc "what i have been through with jaden" naturally causes me to worry and see things that aren't there...SCREAM...mentally slapping about three different people right now...ok...sorry...*composure* but i cannot ignore the clues...i cannot ignore that most moms aren't on the brink of nervous breakdowns bc of their child's behavior...i refuse to listen to the comments that it's just bc i lack consistency, need to spank more, haven't given enough attention, etc. rather, i will once again put on my big-girl panties...take yet another family time-out and only surround myself with that which will bring my daughter closer to experiencing a normal, happy life.

so my question is...if autism is a neurological disorder...why does it also HAVE to include delays? that is the only part that kicks mermaid out from consideration...but wasn't i also told my son could be "no where" on the spectrum bc he was social (might i add that the "whale" of a dr who said this will no longer be with the center in the near future!!)? mermaid isn't social...but doesn't have delays...rather...i am willing to bet she would test gifted...j-bob's iq was average to above average...also willing to bet it would test simply above average now that he's almost 1 year into biomedical treatment...anyhow...i digress...the bottom line...i am sticking to my guns on mermaid...no further vaccinations...no more gluten, casein, or soy...and adding supplements as soon as $$ allows!

just yesterday...after my huge meltdown the day before which promptly led me to my knees in prayer (why does it take meltdowns for me to humble myself)...mermaid's quiet voice from the backseat of the car: mommy, i liked taking a nap today...and mommy...i love my school...

thank you Jesus for that one piece of validation that i am in fact listening to You...sigh...how hard it is to hear Your voice over my own nagging-guilt-infused-second-guessing voice...You are so faithful...even when i am not.

wow...time flies

can't believe where time goes. this will be short-ish (yeah, right!). i am tired, still a bit sick, and did i mention tired?

i am back in school at UALR for speech pathology...loving it...but my classes are hard, and i ridiculously feel the need to strive for a 4.0.

jay-bob is doing AMAZING at school. i won't say he "loves" school...but he really thrives in school...so i think deep down he must like it quite a bit...i believe if he could have me accompany him throughout the entire day...he would "love" school. we are all missing each other quite a bit...well...i am not so sure the OA isn't "loving" the alone time our new schedules are giving him...but he pretends to miss us!

merminator...ahh...the reason i have not been able to breathe let alone blog. sigh...let's just say it has been some of the toughest few weeks of my entire life...to include yucky childhood crap...i never want to go through the last few weeks again. they resulted in mermaid promptly being evaluated. i am 98% sure she has similar weird food sensitivities as jay-man b/c as i reflected what in the world had changed...i realized i was allowing milk in her diet ALOT and as a means to ease my guilt of putting her in preschool...i was buying her gum everyday which has the dreaded food dyes and BHT...SO...i believe those things contributed to her out-of-control-behavior...BUT...we have had some behavior issues since she was old enough to assert her very strong willed and stubborn personality...therefore, we start behavior therapy once a week for my precious mermaid the 26th of this month.

i am very thankful for the therapist as we've had great success with j-bob's eating...and already having better results from mermaid's behavior with just the few suggestions she me gave on friday. i will post specifically what i am doing with mermaid as i want to closely document the changes...i truly believe that gfcf/feingold is soooooo not just for adhd and autism! i am hoping that if i see the results i expect i will see...more moms will be willing to try the biomedical approach.

so, that's it in a nut shell...OA is doing well...he leaves at the end of the month for 5 days...the longest we will have ever been apart in almost 9 years of marriage...yet again...he's pretending that he will miss us...but i have a hard time believing him as his company is putting him up in a hotel that includes a freaking theme park!! yeah, he's not fooling me!! oh well...isn't it so tough to be the man? (insert majorly freakishly jealous glare)..sigh...i know i need a break...because today i have been bitter a few too many times...sigh..sigh...sigh...i hate it when i get so tired i can't put my mind in proper perspective...thank God tomorrow's sunday...and i don't care who is sick at my house in the morning...i need to go to church...

oh well, melatonin here i come!

labeling

labeling...hmmm...the big one.

if you have been reading my blogs from the beginning...you realize...i am quick to discuss things that many other people may typically shy away from.

i am not ashamed of money problems, not shaving (regularly that is), potty issues, PMS, etc. i think it may be one thing i got from my father...if i can shock you...and your shock is good...i'll just keep it coming...until the shock factor is over...and then i am bored. but not everything is about shock factor...i love real-ness. real people, real feelings, real life. and when you are keeping it real...you simply have to lay that stinky old pride aside.

ok...so in my quest for keeping it real...or more accurately...my inability to be fake (maybe i am a bit on the spectrum myself!)...i find myself constantly saying: yeah, my son, he's on the autistic spectrum...

and then the shock comes over the person's face...and they say something like: really, he doesn't look autistic (always well-intentioned...but kind of sends me over the edge depending on my mood)!?

then i fumble based on the person's knowledge or lack thereof to accurately describe in 1 minute or less what i mean by "on the spectrum", and then i try to add more accurately to what i mean by j-bob specifically...blah blah blah...then i sit and wonder...WHY DO I DO THAT TO MYSELF AND MY SON!!??

well, i have asked myself that question many times. i don't believe that labels should define anyone. i didn't seek a label for my son in an effort to have excuses for him...rather...the label brought greater knowledge and greater understanding to his behavior. it led me to therapies and biomedical treatments that i otherwise would have been ignorant. the label has also brought my family into a world that only other ASD families can belong. and in that community we have found a powerful sense of love and belonging...

i never want to hide j-bob behind a label...nor do i want to hide as a family behind his diagnosis.

rather, i remind myself...i have been thrown into the roll of an advocate. in order to be a successful advocate...others must understand what i am advocating. i truly believe that j-man touches lives...beyond my comprehension. i love that every person whose life he touches will undeniably walk away from their preconceived notions about autism...that they will think differently...maybe even advocate themselves...on behalf of a little boy in glasses with the amazing eyelashes and contagious smile...yep...he's on the spectrum...and it's not slowing him down at all...honestly, the social quirkiness that he still has coupled with his sensory issues are nothing, NOTHING compared to the hidden food sensitivities and absorption issues that plagued him most of his life...his DAN! said on our first meeting: i am not concerned with what his label is...i am concerned with healing his body...until his body is working properly...therapy and other services will not be nearly as effective.

she was right! i cannot imagine living life pre-biomedical intervention! yet, i look forward to living life post-autism. honestly, today...i wouldn't change a thing. i love the child i have...and as long as he is not trapped in pain...i am happy for him to obsess over mario bros...i will talk pokemon all day...i am very thankful for the long-term payoff those thomas the trains have brought our lives! my son is as pure as any five year old boy can be...his innocence hurts my heart...he is nothing short of precious...my precious son with autism...truly...since the biomedical/therapies...i find my "special needs" child far easier to raise than my "neuro-typical" child...of course is there anything "NT" about females??!!

oh, my mermaid...i am not quite sure how "NT" that little girl is...talk about someone who will undeniably shake the world...and watch out world...don't you dare even consider bullying her "big bruda"!! she was two years old sticking her finger in two other older girls faces shouting: NONO! because they were picking on j-bob...i still laugh...yet another stellar moment from a fast-food playground area...ahh...the playground of life...anyone else ever beg: please let me off this merry-go-round!?

unless the merry-go-round included these two precious angels who i am honored to call my children...childhood...with a few one hundred sighs...it is gone...

sigh...

update

wow...feels like forever.

the family has never been so busy! my latest and happiest for me news: i, too, am back in school!

the crazy part is that i started this week off at a school that i secretly very much did not want to be in attendance. it was my second choice...doing what was best for the fam...yadayadayada!

the end of my week included registering late for UALR's SPEECH PATH PROGRAM! yep, God really worked a number...when i am not so tired, i will dish the details...but until then just know...God honors all. At least, He honored my humbled obedience to Him.

i am very very very thankful. humbled, blessed, grateful.

hope all of my beloved readers are finding themselves well. life is so short...may my life be a simple reflection of the moments of Grace.

teasing and worms...

ok, as for the worms...the other night the Oversized Asian was sitting on the couch...the frap-meister jumped up beside him, stretched out, and her booty was pointing towards OA...i kid you not...aforementioned worm tried to high five my husband. all i can say is i have never seen a grown former-state-champion-wrestler-police-officer-scary-mexican-looking-asian-dude EVER freak out so bad...i am still laughing.

as you can guess, the "worm" situation has now been taken care of...OA even made the phone call to the vet himself...i am horrible, as i refuse to take any responsibility for the animals in this house...well...let me take that back...i make sure they have food and water...other than that...finances and pets are the OA's responsibility...i have taken the high road on those two issues! and i don't care what OA says...dare he try and comment...i DO NOT like frappy...only parker and our fish: sushi. only on some occasions will i sort of maybe just a little give fraps some love...rare...

now...teasing...the grim part of my story. jay-bob seems to like school. it's frustrating to me...the control-freak-neurotic-mom to not know EVERYTHING that happened at school. well, my five year old who hasn't been able to touch a video game ALL DAY!! isn't about to spill the beans on his whole day...not to mention..those "wh" questions are a bit overwhelming for him. so i take the stories as i can get them. tonight, in the bath...once again...the prodding...i got:
well, that one boy...he was teasing me...(mumble mumble)...he say i thwree...well...i tease him back...and then he keep teasing me...so he huwrt my fweelings...that make me sad...

ok...i want a full description. is it wrong of me to trip this child on his way into class tomorrow? i mean...he does know who he's dealing with right? i high-fived a "butt-worm" last week! i am not scared of a little five year old!

ok, so i am scared of little five year olds...scared that they will make my adorable unselfconscious little clean slate of a precious child a bitter insecure self conscious quirky kid. i went with the whole: we don't tease others because they are teasing us routine, followed by: make sure you tell the teacher when someone is mean to you, adding: well, hey buddy, let's focus on the good part of today...who was really nice to you? without skipping a beat he said: ty and that othewr gurwl...

let's be honest...if i made a list of every time either of my kiddos said someone was teasing them(b/c in their child's world...me making them take a bath before bed "hurwts theiwr fweelings") i'd be pretty busy...i am betting this little boy wasn't doing anything esp hurtful. but you can bet...i'll know tomorrow exactly where he sits! and i just may have the old frap-meister pay him a visit! nothing like some "butt-worms" to gain the respect of a peer...!

we survived!!

i am glad my first attempt to access my blog was unsuccessful this morning. we had a rough start to the day, as jay-bob NEVER likes to go anywhere in the mornings...unless it's his best friend's house...BUT...once we got there...he did wonderful.

my sorrow really hit me as i dropped the mermaid off at preschool. i could feel her anxiety as she realized that her brother...aka security blanket...was not there...i think for the first time in her very grown up little preschool life...she was actually only a three year old today...the feeling was foreign to her...and it was foreign and heart wrenching for me to see that discomfort. that being said...upon picking her up...she was full of life and self-confidence.

my heart is thanking my God...it's hard to trust...but the pay-off is always so rewarding! let me not get carried away with myself...i cried...the neurotic-mommy-who-never-wants-to-let-go is throwing one hell of a temper tantrum right now...but the God-trusting-mommy-desperately-trying-to-make-right-decisions is breathing deep breaths satisfied with today's results.

of course, as always in our lives, we have had to throw expectations out the windows...i can't dress my son for cuteness...we resorted on the fourth try...to a simple soft t-shirt with soft t-shirt shorts...screw MY wishes to send him in a matching outfit...AND...the pictures will have to be of his second day of school, as we were so consumed with not being more than 30 mins late due to a clothes melt-down...that i forgot to put the memory stick back in my camera...as i was also up very late finishing a social story for the j-man in the event that he got to missing us too much...SO...eventually i will learn to embrace my family's uniqueness DURING the unique moment and not have to rely on my ability to reflect and learn later.

sometimes i feel that it would be much easier on ME to home school as it seems like a safer haven...for me and my children. i pray God opens that door in the future...though...i believe jay-man has a specific calling on his life...and me sharing him with the world may just be God's will...

simple-sigh

one step at a time...

need a laugh

i am wishing for the ability to sit down at the pc...pound away a few letters...and have divine inspiration for humor...hmmm....

well...it's alluding me right now. i am feeling the need to share a bit about: me.

i am unfocused, i talk too much, i think too much...and i over-share.

that being said...my little brown dog, whom i have only just started to like...the very little brown dog that is the direct reason for me giving up vegetarianism...as i felt hypocritical of not eating meat out of compassion, yet i was having horrific thoughts of torturing this dog...anyhow...this aforementioned dog jumped up on MY bed...this dog is also the LOVE of the merminator's life...hence the reason she's still in the family...focus...as she jumped up on my bed i noticed something wiggling around what i lovingly refer to as her: winking sphincter.

ummm...i pulled up her tail...OMG...yes...ther was something white and thin wriggling out of (or into??!!) her mid-wink...i freaked out...immediately locked both dogs outside (sorry to parker my darling other brown dog)...jumped on the internet and started researching worms.

my poor violated children...i couldn't find a flashlight...as the internet says to check their booties in the dark for worms...ARGH...i am totally creeped out...so i lit a candle and attempted the "worm check"...all i could think about was: what will i do if there is a worm there? am i going to burn their poor biscuits peering for worms? dear Lord, the things i find myself doing as a mother. etc...

thankfully, no worms detected...though mermaid had a "red ring" which (for the record) is an indicator of yeast overgrowth...so that confirms my suspicion to start the probiotics on her...anyhow...i am mortified...i am mostly sure that our good deed a few years ago which included rescuing two puppies who were infested with worms...is coming back to reward us...according to my research...short of cementing your backyard...if there's been eggs lain...it's very difficult to fully rid of the worms...

this topic immediately transports me to a yummy pizza place in which my good friend solar began to describe the life cycles of worms over what should have been a good slice of pizza...i have been fearful of worms ever since...

so, do you think the OA will freak out if he wakes up, and i have a candle in my hand: just checking dear...go back to sleep...

the very idea...i am laughing...ahhh...just what i was looking for...a good laugh...

hey, this is a blog for realness...and all who love me...love EVERYTHING about me...as before long...they will know mostly all...in detail...

i'll save the story about my dear departed border collie for another day of oversharing...besides...i have to go get some scotch tape...

the final verdict

soooooooooooooo......jaden starts public school august 19, 2008...

WHAT!!??? what about all those reasons and signs from God??????

well...here's the bottom line...i am pretty sure i have been guilty...for at least the whole summer...of manipulating the "signs" to read what i wanted them to read. i, granolachic-extraordinaire, am hereby officially fessing up to the utmost of neurosis: i don't want my babies to grow up...i don't trust my babies with anyone...and the clincher...i realized that this whole time...i don't think i have been trusting my babies with...God.

yep, hard to believe, i am sure.

for countless reasons that i am not going to bore my faithful reader with...i believe (the un-twisted version) that God is asking me to trust Him...trust Him in my son's new teacher...trust Him in my son's abilities...trust Him in my son's disabilities...simply...trust Him.

i will add...my anxiety is kind of reaching an all time high...but i refuse to let satan tap into my obvious weakness...and i am believing that God will also relieve my high state of anxiety...as that is not true trust...it's trust with an addendum...with some..."but remembers" and "don't forgets"...sigh...sigh...sigh...

don't you think God laughs at our memos...

ah...but doesn't He relish in our complete surrender?!

slow-inhale-slower-exhale-anxiety-releasing-God-trusting-sigh

update on feeding issues

i just wanted to mention that the jay-man is officially eating "chicken french fries"...i take chicken breasts and cut them into bite-sized pieces then toss them in a zip lock bag of quinoa flour with some tapioca starch mixed...add some salt, pepper, and various other gluten free spices that sound good at the time...shake shake shake...fry...freeze...yummy! i cannot reheat them in the microwave as they become hard...so i put them on my pampered chef stone on 350 for 10 mins...and HE EATS THEM!!

one chicken breast has 35g of protein!! i have worried so much about his protein intake or lack thereof...THANK YOU GOD...thank you chicken...i buy the most natural ones i can find...i still struggle with the whole meat thing...but hey...when your kiddo only eats a variety of...i think we're up to like 10 things!!??

pancakes (of course with one veggie and one fruit puree added)
waffles (see above...)
muffins (the whole thing!!)
sweet potato french fries (with lots of organic gluten free ketchup)
skin on! potato french fries
carrot and squash fries
veggie chips and stripey chips aka ruffles
frutabu (when we can afford it...freaking $5 for a box with like 6)
chicken nuggets
apple slice (very small bite...but hey...it's a fruit)
carrot slice (see above note)
vegan cheese dip
chocolate shake
home-made cheese free pizza
tortilla pizzas

OMG...that's 15 things, and i know i have to be forgetting something! this is only due to the diet...i truly truly believe that j-bob's pickiness was due to
a) addiction to gluten and casein
b) zinc deficiency (strongly affects the way food tastes)
c) negative reaction to all the offending foods...caused him to fear food

well...let me add...my very wise friend says success with our kiddos is like a three-legged stool...there's the diet, the supplements, and the therapies that all work together towards the betterment of our children's success. well...our kiddo's stools are probably more like the 10-legged stools...but one gets the idea! the diet allows the body to stop attacking itself, the supplements allow the body to function properly or more properly, and the therapies educate towards proper behavior techniques and/or modifications.

i am feeling quite thankful tonight. i think i am going to start a little information session on the different supplements we use, and why we use them...i believe we are using the most basic and scaled down approach bio medically speaking. our DAN (dr betsy hendricks) is very systematic and thorough...i appreciate that from a financial standpoint and also a non-overwhelming standpoint. we are due to see her again...actually...i am pretty sure we should have done our follow up months ago...but you know the drill...all in due time!

i must add...i think we can all benefit from evaluating our diets and removing what's causing negative reactions, supplementing our ridiculously lacking american diets, and supporting our bodies ability to function better, and if i have said it once...i have said it a thousand times...there's not a person in the over stimulating fast paced society that wouldn't benefit from some OT's sensory processing sessions!!!