holy mocha soy latte batman

ok sorry...the kiddos are hooked on scooby doo these days...now that they are 3 and 5, i have taken a more laid back approach on "educational only" tv...there's only so much dora one person can handle...i haven't given in to the sponge bob revolution...mainly bc j-bob already finds humor in the disgusting, and i am constantly having to remind him that the school may not find his "pee and poo" humor quite as funny as we do...he happens to be the child of two parents who still laugh if someone passes gas...very pre-adolescent humor...oh well...to each his own...i have found myself relating a story and half way through thinking: dear Lord...i am in my 30's...this isn't supposed to be so funny...hence the half-opened-disbelieving-looks on my friends...well...no my friends are all pretty great about being real...it's when i branch out to other's friends (i am a friend snob...only real friends for me...well...sometimes i can sense someone just needs some real-ness encouragement...it's always great to watch an unreal adult branch out and become real)

okok...totally off on a tangent...gotta study...hence the very few blog entries...BUT...i wanted to leave you all on these thoughts...

this morning i was honored to sit in the middle of j-bob's social skills group. there are four other boys on the spectrum ranging from 5-9 years of age. we were playing a game...the WH-game. they had a picture in front of them and had to answer when, what, why, who, and where questions...truly...my heart melted at the difficulty of this game for some of them. but they didn't get all hung up on the struggles...instead they pushed ahead...kept trying until they got the right answer...and listening to their giggles and supportive "conversations" was great...the fact that five boys with autism were having to be reminded to have quiet mouths and to stop giggling...just like "regular" kids...but the best part was watching them get to pick their prize at the end...you would think that this was the hardest decision they would ever have to make...i love it...

but my most most favorite part was when the other moms were discussing the future sessions with the therapist...instead i got the sweetest young man talking to me about all kinds of things i know nothing about (specific airplanes)...but his spirit...my goodness...it is so incredibly sweet...they all surrounded me and totally invaded my personal space...i loved it...there is something about thinking outside the box...i think the scariest part of autism well...the understood-half-recovered-my-child's-no-longer-in-pain-autism...is the reaction and ignorance of those outside our (other families with autism) world...when i am with my family at home...i rarely see what i don't have...when with playing with other families who has a special needs kiddo...i rarely see what i don't have...it's only when i am faced with the real world...the questions, the assumptions, the inability to speak outside the box...

today...i see more than what i don't have...i see what other people don't have...i see these amazingly brilliant children willing to fight to answer a WH-question...not because they want to impress someone...not because their mommy might be disappointed...but because...well...that's the name of the game...i mean really...isn't that what the rules said to do...HA...the literalness...it's so amazingly refreshing...

talk about real. and that's the part society can't handle...that's the part i never want recovered!

100th post...the pressure!!??

gosh...i've been mind-blogging all week...so many good things i have had stored up in my mind...only to forget them all the minute i realize that this is my 100th blog!!?? have i really rambled 100 different times?

well we must throw in a *sigh*

i am happy. i think the diet's working...i am happy, losing weight, experiencing considerably less in the anxiety department...did i mention i was happy? it's really a crazy feeling...i struggled for happiness for so long...much like i think my daughter has...and all along...it's been sitting right there...but the crap i was eating was fogging up my brain...or shall i say "happiness-o-meter"...oh americans...how vain we are...we so cannot see the forest through the trees...that would require getting outside and slowing down a bit...

today my children fed ducks, got muddy, went to their gi-maws house, played outside well into the dark...their gi-paw set up tents, and they played with flashlights and balked at the half moon...it was a night made of keepable memories...today my son brought his "skills" and my daughter brought her smile...it was wonderful...they have friends, they have family (and some family far away that our hearts miss dearly!), and they have Jesus...j-bob's prayer over dinner...i cannot remember specifics...only the way he scrunches up his face and earnestly squeezes his fists in prayerful petition to a God he trusts with his childlike faith...it's so very comforting.

God is always faithful...He even helps with little things like...bitterness and resentment...a few weeks ago i was ready to run...run away from all i loved...i truly felt the world was crushing the life out of me...today...i am so glad i threw myself at His loving Mercy...that i didn't give up...that He is the giver of all good things...my mother-in-law told me once: always think it (decisions)forward...

i am thankful for those wise words...i have listened and done just as she said...and so far...it and God's Grace are what has helped me get through the hard times...out of the valley and back on the mountain!

keepable memories...i love days like today...oh, God...that my children will know You are the giver of keepable memories...wrap Your protective hands around their lives...thank You...sigh, sigh, sigh...(good sighs!)

mother warriors~jenny mccarthy

i couldn't read this book as fast as louder than words...i think i wanted to marinate over each story.

the other day OA and i were trying to find a parking space at the lovely wal-mart. an elderly lady was crossing the crosswalk area with her walker...we had to wait what seemed forever for her to get by...my window was down and she kindly looked up and apologized...my heart squeezed little twinges of pain..."no, take your time," was all i said...as i watched her i wondered: is she lonely...does her family visit...is her husband still alive...why is she all alone? i told OA all the thoughts i had while watching her...he shook his head...i have been accused of over analyzing things too much...but i cannot help it...i struggle with carrying other's pain...my motto: i am a good shoulder to cry with, not on...is very much true.

so, reading these stories...well...yes they offered hope...but they also ripped my heart open...wide open and exposed fears, disappointments, and frustrations that i have energetically buried.

as i experienced today with merminator...a day i am hoping is a result of withdrawal sprinkled with behavior issues...instead of behavior issues sprinkled with withdrawal...i am reminded...it's not easy to be a mother...special needs child or not...motherhood is by far the most demanding, frustrating, humbling, mind-blowing thing i have/will ever do. it's also rewarding but on days like today...i find myself just thankful to have made it through. honestly, i am not a good mom...but i am a humble and thankful mom...humble and thankful sprinkled with a little bit of exhaustion and anger...but that's ok...as long as i don't become an exhausted and angry mom sprinkled with a little bit of humility and thankfulness...

environmental toxins are real...they are scary...and this book has the most amazing chapter about canaries in the mines...they used to use canaries to fly around the mines as theses are so sensitive to dangerous gases...if they died...the coal miners wouldn't go down...if they lived...they knew it was safe. mccarthy illustrates our sensitive spectrum kiddos to these canaries...she believes that they are warning us...trying to show us how to have cleaner lives...i'm listening to my canaries...and thank You God that You have consistently pointed me in the right direction...moms...dads...always follow your instincts...they are the warning flags from Heaven.

smiling eyes

your eyes have always been so intense

so dark...like coal...

they rarely convey your emotion

just a dark serious stare

always so difficult to define

my dark volitile beauty

there's a fire in there

i can see the sparks

just waiting to be fanned

you've been screaming all these years for help

i have only been hearing the noise

i am listening now

i hear you begging for help-pleading

mommy...mommy...mommy

soon, baby...soon

your eyes will be smiling...

oh, how i long to see that day...

when those dark eyes are free to burn with happiness...

intense happiness...

serious joy...

a bright beauty who will change the world!

day 2...day 3...my motley crew

ok...i'm trying to remember yesterday...OH, yes...Mermaid's teacher reported that she sat in the middle of group and told a story...to everyone...and laughed...!!!!!!?????

what's the big deal? don't all almost-four-year-olds do that? NO!! they don't! especially my overly intense shy little beauty. it's observably difficult for her to bring herself to speak to some...many...let alone let loose and tell a story and include laughter...laughter from the merminator is a special gift in and of itself!!

it's not all perfect...she had some hidden dairy yesterday in some rice chips...READ ALL LABELS!! and we had a one hour bootie-itching episode which included lots of screaming and crying...but we worked through it...she slept well from 11pm til 6am...which is a five hour reprieve for me...so...she's making strides!

best part is that my dear granola sister started this diet for herself, and three of her kiddos...one of which happens to be j-bob's best friend and most likely somewhere on the spectrum...

this morning O-livy (j's name for her) and the E-meister were dropped off at my house at 6:15am...all i can say is that before i knew it...my two gamers (the boys) were at the table doing a freaking ART PROJECT!!?? and the beauties (aka future PETA presidents ) were beside them...all sittng together doing a self-motivated art project...sharing...problem solving (you know bc four children and one box of markers is just evil!)...not only did this transpire...but to be included was: JOY!

real joy was being shared by these kiddos...it was amazing. E-meister even proceeded to jump up from the table squeal and yell: i'm screaming like a girl...hahahaha! he told a joke!! (anyone familiar with the literalness of our ASD kiddos knows...jokes are great!)

i'm amazed...simply amazed. amazed by God's goodness...amazed by the simplicity of changing our diets...amazed that so many people don't know or won't try...the excuses are plentiful...i myself have been using them for over a year...

and moms...as we swallow our pills...eat our junk...don't take care of ourselves...sacrifice everything we have...you know...for the sake of our families...THAT'S not what our families need. i will go to hell and back for my children...but if i fall apart on that journey...what good have i done? it is ESSENTIAL that we start nurturing our own health...as modeling good behavior is far more effective...it is also essential that we remember as our children recover...they are truly experiencing life for the first time...with joy...don't be a joy-robber...cherish their (and your) hard work...don't just check off the latest accomplishment and start worrying about the next...slow down...slow down...slow down. hold hands, go for a walk, play a board game on the floor, read a story, act out a Bible story...get real...be thankful...enJOY the journey that our children...spectrum or not...take us on. Oh, and those still married...don't forget your husband needs a bit of attention sometimes, too.

(note...that whole lecture was for me...! as i am reading Mother Warriors...instead of studying...oops! i am realizing that i have become comfortable...yet wrapped up in life...not experiencing life...i also realized that i am still pissed about autism...in general...mostly bc i believe it could be prevented...and at the very least treated...but so many MDs are not willing...anyhow...i have also realized...i am scared to hope for full recovery...just saying that takes my breath...but as i read this book...and watch my children...i am reminded that if this is as good as it ever gets...it's DAMN GOOD...and i need to always thank God for how far He's brought my family...)