Holding On...

It feels like a lifetime has occurred in between my posts. 

We had to let go of our littles to keep our "one".  We had to let go of our "one" to keep our safety.  We had to let go of our "grief" to bring the littles back. 

There's been a lot of letting go these days.  It hasn't been until the last few weeks that I've realized I have been holding my breath...for like...months.  I'm pretty sure for awhile I probably didn't breathe at all.  I simply...I don't know what I did...existed? 

If you know me well, simple existence has never really been my style.  Really up, really down.  Really something.  Never just...there. 

That's what intense depression {grief?} looks like for me.  I have so many friends that it was easy to disappear.  They all assumed I was talking to someone else.  But I wasn't.  And I still don't want to.  Not about then.  My {pit days}.  You don't know how deep that pit is until you start slowly emerging from it again.  Step by step.  Slow-breath-by-forced-slow-breath.  Until the breathing just becomes normal again. 

For me, it included the inhalation of a precious child that has somehow tied her soul to mine.  It's hard not to fear the danger of that kind of love.  And now her older brother is following suit.  Sigh.  Faith.  Love them like they're my own.  Like my own lead the way in loving every single day.  My God, my children are the best things I've ever done (by HIS Grace).  

Tonight I feel myself lingering over it again. The problem is that I don't exactly know how to not fall in.  This isn't lack of prayer or time with Him.  It's not because my life isn't amazing or that I don't recognize (moment-by-moment) all of my intensely incredible blessings.

Maybe it's not a pit at all?  Maybe it's because I truly begged Him to break my heart for what breaks His?  And He's answered.  And He knows I cannot handle it all at once, so He spares me the full reality and gives it to me here and there.  My goodness.  This world.  My sin.  It's all so very ugly.

I have so very little to offer this world.  But the beauty that I see every day in the lives of my children...all six of them...gives me hope.  Makes the hard choices more choose-able.  Makes the sacrifices a little bit easier to make.  Listening to my precious teenage daughter as she describes her heartfelt prayer of thanks for our family...let's me know...we're doing *something* right.  My God, we are so undeserving.  He is so amazing.  The giver of all good things.  Which started with His Son and continued on a very personal note with My Hero...a man I couldn't even dream more perfectly for me.

l-e-t-t-i-n-g g-o

holdingon

Being still and knowing that He is God...and trusting that that in and of itself is more than enough...for everything.

Breathing Him in...and blowing the cares of this world out.  My deep sighs to heaven.

Tonight, it is enough to regain my balance.  How thankful I am that His mercies are new every morning.