The Beauty of the Ups and Downs

A few weeks ago I found myself waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to meet some great friends to embark on a 50K trail hike that included summiting the "hard" side of Pinnacle Mountain.  Have I ever mentioned that I am afraid of heights?  We trained by climbing that mountain 3 times before race day.  The first time I was truly scared, and if it's possible to "climb" up on all fours---I accomplished it.  The second time should've been easier, but I wasn't mentally prepared because we decided to tack it impromptu-like to the end of our training hike.  It was the worst climb of them all as I was certain I would plummet to my death and leave 5 children and a gorgeous husband to do the rest of their lives without me. 

By the 4th climb on the day of the race, I was half way up the mountain before I realized that I was actually OFF all fours and looked more like an adult than a toddler making my way to the top.  I had learned a few things:  just look directly at the step in front of me,  breathe through the fear, listen to the beauty around me (friends), stop occasionally and encourage someone either above or below me.  It was that simple.  It was only when I looked down or around that I got really scared and my mind would take over and threaten to do more harm to me than falling all the way down that mountain. 

That is the most beautiful analogy (for me) to apply to my walk as a foster mother.  Yesterday we went back to court after last court's shocking turn of events that allowed us to keep the children for two more months.   I had fully invested into the letting go process.  I had processed most of my grief and prepared the children in ways I knew paled in comparison to most.  I was broken and ready.  My clenched fists had been pried open and were willingly limp before Him.  And then He placed them right back. 

Since then, I have not tried to tighten my own grip as I have come to learn that it is not worth a fraction of the unnecessary pain or fear of having to release my hold.  And yet, it's been 2 of the most beautiful months we have ever had.  Peaceful, joyful, natural, and calm (amidst the chaos of life with 5 kids).  I was taking my training and applying it: only look at the day at hand, breathe, listen to the beauty and blessing of family and friends, and pause to encourage someone else throughout the day.  Of course fuel (time with Him) and training (living out Him) were an integral part of reaching the finish line tangibly and comparatively. 

So here I kneel humbly before Him with the knowledge that in just two short bonus months He has allowed me to see extra joy and peace in my foster children's lives.  He has helped my sweet toddler sleep all the way through the night (after 17 months of screaming nightmares).  In the last 2 nights alone, she has gone to sleep without needing to pretzel-wrap her arms and legs around me for security and her older brother has climbed into my lap more times recently than all the months combined...so if God wants to give us all 3 more weeks of this...this beautiful, blessing of being a foster family...I'll take it..even though it means more waiting.

I'm breathing deep and focusing my brain on doing what brings peace as opposed to terror.  I am thanking Him for all the things He has consistently provided at just the right time.  And though I am truly terrified of what awaits the top of this mountain, I know--that I know---that I know that God is good all the time and it will be beautiful even in the pain.

Laughter

Believe it or not, we laugh...a lot...like..a lot LOT in this house.

Between the antics of Spider-man, the innocence and newness of life being discovered by "the tod", the hilarity of our teenager's personality, the out-of-the-box-gross-boy-humor of J-bob, and Mermaid's random explosion of loud giggles (that leave everyone jaw-dropped because she's so usually so guarded and typically does NOTHING to draw ANY attention to herself, laughter is found around every corner. 

Laughter has saved lives "up in here".  It's taken us from I'm-a-gonna-kill-this-kid to snot-bubble-snort-out-loud-only-you.

It's definitely not all hard.   And the good moments far outweigh the negative (most weeks).  And the beauty of joy in the storm of family is indescribable.  And learning how to be a family---a large family, a medium family, a small family, a "middle" family, a biological family, a permanent family, a group of sinners living under the same roof, loved by the same God, and working towards the same goal: figuring out how to live a life poured out in sacrifice and love---isn't easy---but it is the single most rewarding thing we have ever done.  And we get to do it together.  {I cannot wait until the day I can share more pics AND figure out how to edit the above really long run-on sentence}

Patience

Tonight my children were promoted to yellow belts in their Martial Arts class.  It was a proud moment.  I am the ever present Mom in the corner pinching herself willing the tears NOT to flow...sheesh...such a SAP!?

Their "Master" gave them a little speech before tying their new belts on.


For my Mermaid, he spoke to her of bravery.  How she got to where she was because she chose to be brave and how she will get to where she wants to be in the future by continuing to be brave.  Such wise words; so applicable to my soft-spoken-don't-notice-me precious little girl who is blossoming into this soft-spoken-louder-YES SIRS-you-better-look-at-me-because-I-can-kick-hard brave and confident little girl. 

What Mama could resist moist cheeks watching her baby girl get her first yellow belt knowing the painful shyness and fear she had to overcome in just two short months!?

For my Ninja, he spoke to him of patience.  How J-bob trains so hard and is so immensely excited to get to the next level.  He spoke to him of his gift of seeing the future goal and not quitting until he reaches it, but he reminded him that with good goals comes much work requiring the ability to be patient...embrace and enjoy the "now".  (Yes, moist cheeks and the ability to not snot bubble in public is highly overrated).  I watched my son patiently listen to every word spoken until that blessed moment that the sacred yellow belt was tied around his waist.  I almost burst with thankfulness for how blessed we were to find such an amazing establishment. 

Signature sigh

As we got home and I rushed around to make dinner:  fish with green beans, apple slices, and a salad.  All those tears I had been holding back finally found their place on my face.

Patience.  If only I could explain to each person present tonight how patience has a whole new meaning in our family.  Patience is learning to how to speak so that "more than 50% of those with unfamiliar ears" can understand you.  Patience is looking to your mother to help you interpret yourself and the confusing world around your first 6 years of life.  Patience is learning to eat more than three things without extreme anxiety or aversion.  Patience is starting off by licking a chicken breast (totally worth the read) and having your Dad be so excited that he videos it and texts it to your Mom then 4 years later being able to negotiate 8 bites of fish and all the rest of your plate for television and doing so without a single tear.  Patience is waiting until you are almost 9 years old to finally do an extra curricular activity that doesn't include therapy while all your friends started soccer or baseball when they were 4 and 5.

Tonight my Ninja was just another boy in another belt tying ceremony who eagerly waited his very first accomplishment that didn't require anything more than working hard and listening.  And then he came home and ate just another healthy dinner and bargained just another hour of television with his mom.

Talk about enjoying the now. 

I celebrate that patience is his hardest virtue...I love that his eagerness and excitement that consume him are a combination of his Mama's passion and his Daddy's focus rolled into the fact that he has some serious catching up to do...he has waited this long...and has worked this hard...patience be damned...that boy's got some LIFE to LIVE.

Tonight was a great night.  I serve a great and mighty God who gives me exceedingly more than I could ever ask for or deserve.  And teaches me through my perfectly imperfect children how to be brave and be patient in these very early steps of our adoption journey.

Defender of the defenseless

My daughter is missing her top two front teeth.  Every parent out there can most likely relate to the absolute heart-stopping-adorableness this adds to one's child---every child.  She also has the kind of wavy bobbed hair that causes strangers to stop and tell her how cute it is.  She's intensely shy, so she never quite handles herself the same way with each compliment (I admire her humility).  She'd rather eat a worm than have people stop and stare at her.  The problem is that she possesses the kind of beauty that makes you pause-breathe it in.  There's something about her.  I have always struggled to define her...even she often cannot figure out what she wants or what she likes...much like her Mama...indecision...because every single angle has to be considered, mulled, weighed.  No choice is just a "simple choice".  It drives her Daddy insane.  He knows exactly what he wants at all times.  He never seems to question himself and is gifted with this remarkable ability to see all, do all, and decide all...AT ONE TIME.  It's truly an amazing thing to behold.

There's a steep looking rock wall of sorts by our house.  We pass it every time we go onto the interstate.  It snuggles up to this incredible hill that my old car struggles to chug up.  One day Mermaid said:  Someday, I am going to climb that hill.  It's probably gonna be hard, but I won't stop till I reach the top.

A smile rushed across my face.  I have the exact same feelings about the hill it befriends and my running.  And it was hard.  It was then that I realized that Mermaid's "word" per se is "DETERMINED".  A determined infant, and a determined toddler, and a determined preschooler are VERY difficult to raise.  A determined 7 year old?  Oh my.  It's heart-stopping.  Much like her toothless grin, adorable hair, breathless beauty.  She is also determined to rid the world of all social and moral injustice.  Today I told her that I was going to change her name to Merci, the defender of the defenseless.  Oh how fitting it would be. 

It terrifies me a little...her intensity-beauty-determination-protectiveness...all wrapped up in a giggling little girl with two top missing teeth.  Her Mama's indecisiveness and her Daddy's focused ability to get what he sets out to accomplish.  I marvel at the way God uses her already.  I celebrate the life He has blessed me with in my youngest...desperate to no longer be the youngest...and somehow managing by His Grace to pull that one off.

I am blessed to be the apple of her eye.  I pray that I never lose my status in her heart.  I ask God to defy all stereotypes of Mothers and Daughters.  In my life, I have never met one as unique as she.  She is, by far, one of my Hero and I's best accomplishments thus far...not to exclude her brother...whom I will save for tomorrow's post...and I am a better person because of them.

This moment...in words.

At this very moment:

• the drier is tumbling around its 4th load of clothes for the day
• the former 3 loads are folded and draped around our dining room table
• my children are tucked in their beds where they will sleep through the night (I am still not used to such spoiling)
• my husband is at work
• I am dreaming of flowers, plants, dirt, and my yard
• I pause to dream about the future color of my walls:  gray (my accent colors are yellow and red)...I cannot wait
• I breathe deeply and slowly, exhaling any worry that tries to overtake...something about the possibilities of our future has awakened all kinds of feelings and emotions
• I pause to breathe even deeper--- my effort to appreciate the unknown, to cherish this moment, to praise Him for all the changes and stirrings He has placed in my family's hearts, and to bow my head in unending thankfulness for all that He has done for us

I hope this moment finds you with peace, and protection, and eternal Love.

2 a.m.

This family member has NEVER had sleep issues!

I awoke with a start from a very deep sleep.  A combination of added miles on my runs, Martial Arts classes (yes, to include myself..who can say "no" to the OA, the ninja, AND the mermaid??), the kid's school, and the gorgeous sunny weather we've been blessed with these last few days has had me crawling into bed without even the slightest consideration of needing to read or knit to calm my mind in preparation for my much coveted sleep.

Sleep.  I didn't sleep through the night with consistency until we moved to our newest location about a year and a half ago.  My Ninja was 7.  I do not exaggerate.  Sleeping issues were probably our hardest fought demons of autism...at least the lack thereof was of monumental consequence to the entire family...and by that I mean "Mommy" because I set the tone for the mornings and the tone was not always...beautiful...back in those days.

Speaking of newest location, for my readers who do not know, we moved over several hills and through some woods to a lively little college town to follow the Oversized Asian's job promotion.  It has been a whirlwind, and we moved twice in one year.  Our first move was to to a rented home which was lovely but plagued with carpet and no back yard.  Ahem, two dogs, two children, and a stack of allergies...one gets the picture...(and the picture wasn't pretty and was drawn daily in the carpet...ACK!).  Our second move was into our current home which we are purchasing.  The OA and I have already ripped up the majority of the carpet that creeped in the bedrooms which has left us walking on concrete that I envision painted a gorgeous white someday.  Always a work in progress...this thing called "home".

Sleep.  Something I've learned how to function with deep, short spurts of.  It's kind of fun succumbing to the odd hours of my occasional bouts of insomnia.  Tonight, or rather, this morning I felt the intense need to pray with sincerity over my family, my home, and another family, and their home.  For the possibilities and the protection and our peace.  And for sleep.

My favorite thing to do is to peer in on my children as they sleep.  Is there a more beautiful moment to quietly thank God for His undeserved blessings?

Oversized Asian

I have yet to introduce my husband...much like my daughter...he is very difficult to define.

Jay-Bob and I are very what-you-see-is-what-you-get...

Oversized Asian...hhmmmm...the preconceived notions begin instantly just by looking at him...we have heard ourselves say more than 10 times...no, he's not mexican...no, he isn't hawiian...yes, he is the biggest japanese person I've ever seen...

He's also gorgeous...and despite the fact that just a few days ago I told him, "we have got to work on your social skills!" He steals my heart EVERYTIME I watch him with our kids!

I never dreamed of marrying someone like him...preppy, jock, never read a book (even the required ones in school AND he bragged about this!!??), video gamer (I cannot really comment on this as it's still a bit of a shock to me), GORGEOUS (the day of our wedding my best friend came running back to me and breathlessly exclaimed, "Gosh, Heather, he's HOT!?!?"...note the shock...hmmm...maybe in my quest to be deep ((dating the guy with the hippie tie dyed van...it was then I learned I cannot stand the smell of a man living in his van with his dog...no matter how cool the life seemed)) I might have overlooked the fact that nice-looking men can be deep, too) .

Our Pastor warned us on our wedding day not to have expectations in marriage...and I understand more and more why not...because God gives us what we NEED not just what we want...

I always prayed for a hippie (hhmmm...then neither of us would bathe), muscian (tried that...no thank you to being second best to inanimate objects), philosophy major (tried that too, he was gay...leaving that topic alone), writer (see philosophy major comment), spiritual giant (my ideas of what these look like have changed considerably over the years), etc...

God answered my prayer by giving me a MAN who is willing to admit he needs a Savior, who loves his family fiercely, who is so excited about now reading books that he requested his "own book shelf "...to put his latest-reads on (it houses five of his books and 25 various kid's book and games...hey, it's a start!), who is able to teach himself how to play guitar and piano pretty much over-night, who listens to me go on and on and on about whatever it is I am going on and on and on about, and who is willing to ride around on our kid's mini-push car in circles through our living room just to make us laugh...OH, and he can kick anyone's butt!!

As I read over this, I realize that I am here to be real...real about marriage...the reality is in my experience and soon to be 8 years of learned wisdom...marriage, like motherhood is hard. If I would have realized in advance the difficulties and the sacrifice required, I would have probably opted out (kindof like the marathon I hope to run someday...but I know too much in advance the pain and sacrifice that is needed...and I am not quite disciplined enough to do so).

My husband is amazing...yet so often I take him for granted. My husband is beautiful...yet so often I see the things that irritate me...I have to stop myself...close my eyes...and pretend like I am seeing him for the first time all over again. We've had a hard year, and I am sure, at times, we have both wanted to run away. I am blessed that instead we have run to God and in doing so been able to run back to eachother...sigh...I am blessed...deeper sigh...really...really...blessed!!