true thoughts of a person who hasn't run in forever!

just a few thoughts that actually passed my thru my mind on my run today...i will warn all...i am with hormones!

i started my run cursing myself for forgetting to buy tampons at three different stores yesterday...prayed that what i had would suffice...or i was going to be like that chic who won the marathon and started her period half way through...which...i must say...ROCKS...!

then my thoughts went to a dear friend who has likened me to a drug...she says that i make people feel better...and tonight i figured i was more like a black hole...ready to suck the life out of anyone who got near.

then i realized that having such a "gregarious" personality can be...exhausting...and dang it...who is my drug???

then i imagined a married couple driving by me and the wife saying, "dear, isn't that the girl we see running all of the time?" his reply, "why, yes, yes it is!" she says, "darling, isn't she getting...ummm...FATTER!?" and he nods his head in dismay and agrees.

then i thought of sistah...i cursed her for being so freaking healthy...always eating properly (i have inhaled candy bars and msg chips this week...my goodness...bad eating is so tasty)...i dreamed of throwing my shoe at her 7 mile running arse and then running over her with her bike...i was laughing in my head at this point...as we all know i love her dearly...but DANG...she was making me feel inadequate...then i felt God tap me on the shoulder and say: she'd probably give anything to throw one of your kids at you and then run over you with your hot sexy husband...(bitter divorce and has to split time with kiddos up in weeks) so i quickly apologized to sistah and God and said a prayer for her instead.

then my thoughts started looking up...half way through the run...i realized...i am ENJOYING this again!! not only was i enjoying it...i was actually running faster...away from negative thought girl...towards...happy again...drug induced feeling girl...i like being people's drug. it's a gift that God has given me...but when i feel really empty...i need to learn to ask to be filled back up...and only expect God to be the one to do so.

and then i thought of the jones's...how sad i was for those trying to keep up with them...how the jones's really just needed to downsize their house...get rid of half the sheee-crap they own...and just try to keep up with me!

because at the end of this run...all i can do is think of my precious son and the way he dances to the last song on my playlist: that's not my name.

and as i sprinted up the pseudo-hill near my house, i thanked God for the times that i can run...and the friend's and family that i am surrounded with...and the fact that i need to focus on each blessing that i have been given and stop worrying that i am probably the slowest runner in the world...who secretly loves to eat junk food...who has to remain a closet vegan that eats meat with her family everyday.

but mostly that at the end of every run...it is the closest i feel to God...and that...is all i need.