warning: no warm fuzzies ahead!!

i haven't been able to run in about a week now...my inability to refrain from cursing almost every passerby in my mind is proof enough that i clearly need a good run...a sprint...anything that allows me to get out of this house long enough to clear my thoughts...

jay-bob started running a fever 7 days ago...flu b...his sister followed suit a few days after him...two bottles of motrin and tylenol later...here we are...now jay-bob has a secondary sinus infection and merminator: who knows!?

at least 10 times today i have kept myself from slamming my head repeatedly into my car steering wheel...screamish sigh...just make the crying stop...please...

i was spooning chunks of starbucks java chip ice cream into my mouth at 5:30 am while typing an email to mucinex inquiring if their product was gluten/casein free...screw it...i'll suffer the consequences later if it's not...well...jay-bob will...screamier-screamish sigh

after my dear son kicked me in the chest during a melt down in the car upon arriving at the doctor's office (let's just say the nose-picking flu test is not a sensory child's friend)...i collected all my patience and took my two little snotty nosed angels into the office and prayed jaden would be able to pull himself together long enough to get through the next few hours...

on the car ride home merminator set in full force...she's the family's perfect storm...calmly brewing on the inside sending everything in her path reeling from the howling cry's destruction...i realized...i am falling apart...it's only taken 7 sleepless worry filled nights (you know more sleep deprived and worrisome than the usual) to bring me to this point...empty...weary...

i asked my pediatrician if jay's antibiotic could come in a pill as he refuses liquid medication:
of course, he replied...then added...you're so lucky...

walking through kroger, merminator was apparently socially wronged by her brother who was walking...you know...just walking...and that started her howl...i ignored her as i approached the counter of the pharmacy...i got three irritated quick glances up...finally someone asked (without looking at me) if they could help me...

"pick up for bush"...they fumbled...are you sure you dropped it off?...(the howl is getting to them...i am still ignoring)...finally they figured things out...the old lady at the counter says (very baby voice)...ahh...is someone unhappy today?...

my mumbled reply...she's always unhappy...

now the let's-judge-the-bad-mommy-who-clearly-needs-therapy-looks flew across their faces...they asked me if i am sure my son can swallow the pills...i mumbled yes...more questioning me...i said..."he refuses liquid medication...he likes to swallow a pill instead"...the old lady glanced back over and said:
well, aren't you so lucky...

yeah, i am so lucky. so lucky i want to run from my life right now...so lucky that due to one week's flu virus coupled with last week's dietary infraction my son has probably lost 50% of what he's worked so hard to gain...so lucky that my daughter...despite my every effort...never seems to be happy...of course, until today...i have allowed myself to believe my well intentioned family that it's got to me my fault somehow (my interpretation of course)...i spend too much energy on jaden...i need to give her more attention...i need to stop giving her so much attention...she needs structure...she needs freedom...she needs a spanking...she needs me to stop babying her....SCREAMIest SCREAMISH SIGH EVER...

i don't know what she needs...but i do know that she doesn't need a mom snapping at her for not being happy...how does that help anything...not to mention...jay-bob...has honestly required very little of my affection...leaving my arms to almost always be available for mermaid...i am so tired of feeling guilty about my every motherly decision...sometimes...despite my every attempt to choose happiness...it alludes me...

sometimes i have to remind myself that even a good mom gets tired...wants to scream...speaks rudely to her children...sobs into her imperfect hands...

but i further remind myself that a good mom also...picks herself up...calls a friend who never judges...says a prayer...apologizes to her children explaining that we all make mistakes and that's why God is so amazing...takes a deep breath...and pushes on...