day 8...magical day

oh where do i begin?? the other night i decided: enough...

so i picked up a women of faith study guide that has been collecting dust for 3 years now...living a life of balance...something i crave...tired of simply craving and ready to put into action...didn't you guys know...june is the new january as far as resolutions...at least in this house.

food:

• the best smoothie: half hemp/half vanilla rice/frozen banana/few frozen peach slices/splash of agave nectar/dab of cinnamon. it was DELICIOUS...even the OA ate some!!
• leftover chicken enchilladas...again...GFgoddess never fails me! some fruit and carrot sticks.
• dinner consisted of grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and homemade french fries (sweet and regular)
• onto another smoothie for my snack...i am sure there are SEVERAL handfuls of stripey chips shoved here and there...but you know...a girls gotta live...and those chips...well...they are this home's comfort food!

exercise:

• i ran a run tonight that kicked my bum so hard...i had to muster all the fight within myself and kick it's bum right back...it ended in a draw...sadly...it took me 49 mins to run/walk 4 miles but i realized as i had visions of how i could safely maneuver my body into a position that would allow me to drink my own bum sweat...(i was THAT thirsty!!)...that i had seriously not hydrated myself and then proceeded to run a hilly route in some serious heat...ahh...it was terribly wonderful!

Spiritual:

• as mentioned...i have started a study guide...i hope it is as good as i know it will be...already putting my heart in the right place...in His Word.
• we started our first "home school" day today...it began with a family devotional...the best part was listening to the kiddos and seeing how that one family devotional can play itself out throughout the day...constantly turning our minds/hearts to God in little ways...i loved it...

Family:

• as earlier stated we started our first home school day today. it went so well. mermaid actually read a book to me...i have a feeling she will be reading by the end of this summer. j-bob's reading seems to have lost some "umph" since the last 3 weeks of school were pretty much a joke...no fault of the teacher...just a million things squeezed into the last month of school...anyhow...i am focusing on that...the kiddos did more than i expected...and the best part is that it was all pretty laid back/satisfying!
• we ended the evening with reading poems from my favorite children's author: shel silverstein. oh the memories...and they wouldn't let me stop...dear God...please give my children a love for words...and stories...and books...and dare i ask...poetry...sigh

i am thankful for the bit of balance my life had today. it's all about what we put into our hearts, minds, and bodies...we focus so much on reading our Bible, reading our Bible, reading our Bible...which is EXTREMELY important...but if all of that reading is going without any application...just shut the Bible and allow it to collect dust...because knowledge without action is like death to the soul.

ahhhh...and cheese

to the cheese part...i must say...we have not one speck of cow's dairy in our fridge...well...except for the frozen yogurt that OA begged me to purchase...to which i must add...he spent the entire evening in the bathroom...HAHA...it's only taken nine wonderful years for him to admit he is lactose intolerant!! when we get him off of gluten...well...who knows?? i just want him to start exercising again...i married young for a reason: i want your hot hiney around as long as possible!!

geez...it was a glorious day...which started at church with mermaid's sunday school teacher saying as i signed them in (ready to give the whole lecture on food and what not)...she said: oh, i read your blog...but what's her name...i only know her as mermaid.

i almost cried...this huge flood of relief came over me...i could've kissed her...i walked away feeling so profoundly touched that i didn't have to even say a word..she already knew...more than knew...understood...my children...

what a blessing!! my whole day has been fantastic...and i think it's mostly due to the sweet wonderful words of a fellow servant in Him!

thank you, more than words will ever describe!!

got nothing

i've got nothing...well...except writer's block...hmm...and runner's block...

it could be that i have had dairy and gluten for two days straight...

or is it that my kiddos/husband have been sick for ONE MONTH combined...

or possibly that i haven't ran in FOREVER!?

geez...and the half marathon is in 28 days...

i'm kindof freaking out...what if i cannot finish? i struggled...and i mean struggled for a few miles the other day...it's as if my mind and body are crying mutiny...refusing to do any more running...

well...they have another thing coming...because starting tomorrow...this butt is getting back in gear...sick kids or no sick kids!

now...i'm off to breathe into a paper bag...pretty sure with gluten comes anxiety...i've said this before...now i know for a fact it's true for this granola...no bread is worth this feeling!!

reality check

sometimes things start going so well...the only way i feel the effects of autism are thru my constant advocacy for awareness of biomedical protocol...and then...i get "lazy" ~ "comfortable"

sigh

i let j-bob chew one piece of orbit gum last night...one piece this morning...and one piece this evening...if you saw his face when he asked for it...you'd have crumbled too...every time...i know food does not equal love...but damn it...sometimes i just wish my child could eat "normal" kid foods...there's not a big market of gfcfsf...chemical free bubble gum...yet.

well...tonight...OA handed me a $20 bill and said: go to barnes and noble.

as we have discussed in prior posts...thems foreplay words in this house!!

anyhow...i went to kiss the kiddos goodbye and BAM...just like that...one of the biggest emotional meltdowns we've experience with the j-man in i don't know how long...6 months or longer?? it was huge...his anxiety over me leaving was even larger...and those tears...and that scream...and the running away from the problem instead of to the solution (literally...runs and hides and won't come out)...and the inevitable dispute that always arises between two blind-sided parents...one being the heavy (dad) and the other being the weak (mom)...while the mermaid stands clinging to me watching - worrying yet not wanting her brother to get ONE SECOND more of my attention than she...

bright side: it was over in less than 20 mins...he already had benadryll...i added two digestive enzymes...and with lots of patience and mumbo-jumbo...i left a happy...normal(ish) little boy to the care of his father.

as i meandered through barnes and noble...first the running section...then the travel essays...then the Donald Millar/Anne Lamont Christian section...then the biographies...and finally...the special needs section. less than a year ago i would camp out on the floor in front of the autism books...it's been over three months since i have actually sat down there...tonight i sat...and read...and gazed off into mommy-of-a-special-needs-kid-land...im pretty sure it was by the Grace of God that i did not drop my head to the floor and sob into the dirty carpet...sadly worn down by the countless other mothers (and some fathers)...who have been there, too.

i felt so overwhelmed...no matter what i do...i am always worried it's not enough...that there's something more i should be doing...researching...reading...implementing...but when i do those things...i lose myself to research...to worry...i feel like i don't appreciate, celebrate, enjoy...the treasured moments of my kiddo's lives...and that's when i feel hopeless...like autism is defining my family instead of my family defining autism. that's when it becomes a label rather than a beautiful understanding of the way my son thinks and interprets emotions and social cues...that's when i become angry...angry that too many other families are living life like this.

i think the last few months have been a healthy balance...the problem i face is figuring out how to not fearing healthy and balanced...learning to live in the grey areas of life...knowing when to worry and knowing when to relax...sigh.

i'm thankful for the reality checks...no matter how small they leave me feeling.

Spontaneous hugs

Looking back, we always thought it a cute quirky personality trait...the "backwards hug".

Now I wonder, did it hurt to hug...was it a frustrating requirement that was constantly being requested?

Sigh, how does a mother so involved fail to notice that her son rejects hugging? For that matter, how does a mother who prides herself on being so connected to her children not realize that her son more than avoids eye contact...he frankly never locks gazes...deeper sigh...

Well, today I got more than a backwards hug...three months into the gfcfsf (gluten free, casein free, soy free) diet, supplements, and enzymes...I got a SPONTANEOUS hug...and guess what else? A SPONTANEOUS kiss with a held gaze to boot!!

So for the hippo of a "MD" who told me that there was no "scientific evidence" that this diet works...I say...you will never make an unbeliever out of me!! The only eveidence I need is my son's sudden ability to spontaneously wrap his arms around my kneck, put his hands on my cheeks and plant a big wet one right on my lips, and randomly reach out to say..."i wuv you mommy!"

I think kids who begin recovery from the prison their brains are being held captive know more than most children how their mommy's are fighting like hell to win this battle against autism.

They see their mom's fight sleepless nights, depression, impatience, disappointment, anger, ignorant doctor's, family members, guilt, financial setbacks, and most importantly these children witness their mom's fight for the child they know exists inside the mind of their precious angel!

I feel my son's energy, love, appreciation, and I know he's fighting even harder than me!

I needed today...the beautiful sunshine, the windy trees, the spontaneous love...I sit back content...but only for a moment...as now I worry...does my daughter know I am fighting just as hard for her?