Reflections...redemption

This season of my life has included allot of reflection. It's rather odd how God uses your past to move you in your future. A word has finally taken hold of meaning...tangible meaning...in my heart: redeemed. I have always understood forgiveness and sanctification, but I am quite sure that until now I have never truly understood redemption. I guess I have always limited it...I have never struggled with God's Grace in redemption of my sin...but it never seemed to dawn on me that God can redeem more than my sin...He can redeem the sins of others that have scarred me. And by redeem I don't mean...just use for the good...I mean...REDEEM...only God's Grace and Mercy can make painful events of my past seem insignificant in light of the incredible blessings and gifts He has given me.

As I sit on my couch in front of a fire feeling exhausted from the week's demands, I sip my decaf green tea with raspberry emergen-C, and pray I am not getting sick. I feel so incredibly exhausted. Which brings me back to reflection.

By nature I do allot of reflecting, but this season of my life has been nothing much but. To prepare for my speech, I went back to the beginning of my blog entries. Oh how quickly I forget the days of anguishing over trying to figure out what's wrong with my child, to fighting and then receiving a diagnosis, to spending countless hours on the internet researching, and to only feeling connection with strangers on Yahoo forums. The diet, the supplements, the therapies, the entire year of kindergarten in public school and then Mermaid...the six months of complete hell watching her behavior escalate into a terrible frenzy spiraling out of control. And where did that leave my marriage? Lonely, isolated, bitter, exhausted, and on the back burner of priorities. We had children to fight for...who had time to fight for a marriage, too.

And where did that leave God? I think we were all clinging to Him separately...and it all finally fell back into place when I started reflecting on my past...my intimacy issues...which was kind of forced upon me by a cross-roads of sort in my marriage. Again...God's redemption...so incredible. We both decided from that day forward to bring God back into our marriage...FULLY. And once that decision had been made...God began to take me to places of reflection that I didn't think I ever needed to go...dangerous places...places my heart buried deep within. I have a story...don't we all...and some day...maybe I will share it...but for now...I simply sit...in total awe at His ability to redeem abandonment, abuse, and years of bad choices due to both.

I have lived so much of my life in fear and trembling...and for many years...for due reason...but as an adult...I still find myself looking over my shoulder...but I think I am finally moving past that. Into a new season...a season of trust...a season of redemption. If God can redeem my sins, all the more power He holds to redeem my heart.