pregnancy test

so i bought a pregnancy test last night.

"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.

"they are," i reply.

but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.

and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.

i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.

well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.

and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.

he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.

i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).

sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.

i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.

so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?

just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.

i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.