holiday screams

i must first say that we just had a remarkable 10 day family "staycation". it was sheer bliss.

that is probably why today is feeling so IMPOSSIBLE.

i used to love the holidays. i still love the idea of them...but with a special needs child...especially one whom you often forget has special needs...holidays have begun to sting a little.

they are a time when the whole world gets together and eats delicious junk while my kiddos watch...and i am constantly having to justify the fact that...yes...just one bite does make a difference...so go eat your crap...gain your 10 pounds and LEAVE US ALONE!!

they are a time when families get together and then begins the small slaps in the face as you watch the other children in the family slowly surpass your child's maturity...(which only infuriates you that you notice...and further frustrates you that you give a damn...)just yesterday you were marveling at the "gift of autism" in that almost no other child has the impeccable manners of your son...just yesterday tears were spilling over your eyes because God has given you such an incredible blessing...to include autism...because your child has a real and living relationship with the King of the Universe...just yesterday...everything was perfect.

it's the sudden snap...that one startling meltdown...just one missing piece of the puzzle that can send a day, a week, or a month into a tail spin.

it's as simple as eating marshmellows (food dye) on vacation, daddy going back to work, the "flexing" of the schedule...and then there's the get-togethers...the extra play dates...

and in between being a good daughter, grand daughter, sister, wife, and friend...somewhere sandwiched in the midst of all of that...being the mom of a special needs child gets lost...lost to those who don't see behind the scenes...

so for this very moment...i am wallowing in a bit of self pity...please just indulge me by looking the other way...saying a prayer...giving me a hug...not saying a word.

in a few minutes i will be composed...we will leave our house...greet the world with our smiles and laughter...and continue letting almost all who know us believe that living with autism is actually easy.

for the other families with life-out-side-the-box...i am praying for you...as holidays can be so incredibly difficult for our little and not so little ones. and together i raise my voice with yours in a good-old-fashioned-holiday-scream!!