ba hum bug

sitting alone on yet another mother's day

my husband is out serving every other mother this day of days while his wife once again spends "her day" alone with their children.


it gets so old...being alone on holidays.

it gets even older...the over hyped expectation of each and every holiday. my kids never get the memos.

my son with autism only seems that much more autistic.

my daughter who loves me to the point of suffocation...only holds on that much tighter...leaving me barely able to breathe.

and everyone around us seems to be celebrating...matching...smiling...sending out the "this is so easy message"

today, my daughter is whining...extra loud.

today, my son is lost in his own world...glaring off into space and talking to himself. he is angry because it didn't go the way he wanted..."it" being life. and being my child, coupled with autism, he is beyond incapable of faking it.

so she pouts, and he glares, and i try to worship...and then the overly hungry family goes grocery shopping amidst the sea of happy mother's day flowers, cards, families.

blah

i just want my exhausted husband to come home. i need my anchor. the man who almost always immediately makes these kind of days better. the daddy the kiddos cannot stand to disappoint...autism...whining...what-have-you.

i just want tomorrow to come...so the pressures of being alone and living a far from "normal" life will leave my shoulders.

i just want to finally let go of all expectations.

i really just pray that my children know that i feel most celebrated when they are peacefully asleep, or during our unsolicited conversations about God, love, and all things important to their hearts, or the stolen moments away during a good long run.

run...that's the problem...i should've started my "holiday" out with a good long run...the special place where my feet meet the road and my heart meets my Creator. where i trample all of my expectations and sweat away the sorrow's of my soul.

sigh.

for every mother out there who ends up mostly alone on holidays, for every mom out there who has lost a child, for every woman who desperately longs to hold a baby in her arms yet cannot, for all the mommy's who secretly want to run away: i hate mother's day, too.

for the rest of you...ba hum bug! hehe...that actual made me smile!! ;)