deep sigh

man...oh man...not even sure where to begin?

in my typical manner...i'll start in the middle...and spiral around...because that is the way my brain works.

i went on a run this morning. i stopped taking my medication for anxiety 7 days ago. i also gave up gluten for good...and meat for however long my body allows this go around.

it all started when mermaid questioned why eating other animals was ok...but not ok to eat her dog? well...i found that hard to explain...the hierarchy of animals...so we talked for awhile and it ended with her deciding not to eat meat. (that lasted less than 2 days). but that was all that it took for me to be re-ignited. more because i dusted off my old cookbooks that always brought me such joy...and less because i wanna save the animals...though...the idea of eating flesh has always gnawed at me a bit.

and all things said: granolachic...i began to do some research. i am quite convinced that the PROPER vegan diet is one of the healthiest ways for, at the very least, me to live.

so my run.

it was amazing...and i realized that i was thinking again...and i realized that my medication was a beautiful vacation from my over-active mind...but that all it did was suppress my thoughts...these thoughts...they were just silenced by the whir...whir...whir...of my neurotransmitters being re-uptaked or inhibited...what-have-you.

i really was so very happy. on my meds. maybe not even happy. but content. sigh.

why would i walk away from that?

but i was content just being...and i ceased doing. and i am by the very nature of my soul...a do-er.

during my run all i could think about was the fact that i have always been running...away...in circles...towards...up hills...in more circles...down hills...in more circles...i have done a lot of running in circles and away. but i always come back to where i started. i have given the demons of my past...the bad choices and sins of others more room in my life than necessary.

today on my run i resolved that i did not want to swallow a pill that squelched my spirit...i did not want to run away anymore...i wanted to run...but this time...full throttle...and over the very obstacles that try to pull me down. i am ready to knock those skeletons out of the closet and flat on their arses...for good.

today...i ran a new PR (personal record). it was the hardest run that i have accomplished thus far...and i gutted the last leg out...and the rest of the day...mostly sucked. and i went to reach for my pills...and i wanted to wash them down with a gulp of wine...but instead...i prayed...i apologized to my children...and i decided to write to whomever would listen.

and the rest of my days may include extreme moodiness...possible anxiety attacks...more apologies...reconciling my trust issues...leaning on His understanding and not my own...bouts of depression...lots of laughter...re-arranging the house to the point of insanity...knitting, sewing, reading, and writing (all of which were halted due to lack of interest while on the meds)...and lots and lots of running.

and in the end...i may be swallowing a pill again...but this time...if that is the answer He gives...it will not be because i am running away...it will be because that is the only way to run over.