Spontaneous birth

I think there is supposed to be a DHS adoption style part 2?  But it will have to be written by someone other than myself, because I doubt there's going to be much replication of our story.

After our home study was approved we jumped through what felt like about 1 million more hoops before we were given the blessed go-ahead to meet our children.  We were instructed to not bring the Ninja or Mermaid because the possibilities of the kid's reaction to their adoption news were endless.  It just so happened that the meeting was going to take place on OA's birthday.  It was to transpire at their therapist's office and beyond that, we had no idea what to expect.  We only knew that how the meeting went would determine the outcome for all future visits...no pressure...right?

I hardly remember any details about that drive...other than it seemed endless.  The kiddos were scheduled to be there half an hour before us so that the therapist could introduce our family's album and letter to them.  Plus, he wanted some time to run interference if they were upset (it is a total myth to think that every waiting child is elated with the idea of adoption...these children have been FORCED from their biological parent's lives and hurt by so many adults to include the system...why SHOULD they be excited?).  To our dismay, they arrived late and our precious son-to-be held the door open for us as we walked in.  We tried our best not to make eye contact and walked straight down the hall as if we were going somewhere else.  We hid in the bathrooms until enough time had passed for us to go inside.

I know exactly what they were wearing.  I know exactly where we were all sitting.  "T" (our 13 year old) wouldn't even make eye contact yet "J" (our 8 year old) was clutching our photo album and grinning from ear to ear saying how happy he was and when could he start Martial Arts?  My heart was pounding.  I could see OA's face registering unfamiliar territory and it made me talk faster and faster because he is our rock and if he is faltering then I'm surely going to sink us.  The therapist insisted that we go out of the sterile environment and get something to eat and meet back in an hour.

That was it...our big introduction.  And then we were alone just the 4 of us in our truck in the middle of a city we regularly get lost in trying to decide where to eat.  I immediately started asking questions trying to pull "T" out of her shell; I honestly have no idea which one it was, but she finally looked at me and started answering.  I can still hear the new-ness of their voices.  Hers so soft and tingly and his like melting wax.  My ears fell in love instantly.  "T" was like a fierce warrior...her face registers nothing unless she grants it permission.  Her brother is the exact opposite...his face is more animated than Saturday morning cartoons.  He cannot command a single part of his body to be still...the first few nights he even twitched in his sleep (I had to sleep on the floor beside his bed bc he was so scared...but that's jumping way ahead).

We decided on Chili's because that's the OA's territory and we got it to-go and went to the local book store.  "T" loves to read.  Right in the middle of the book store not even 20 minutes into our visit I stopped her and looked her straight in the eyes and asked, "What part about this adoption are you the most upset or scared about:  giving up your school and friends or the fear of getting hurt again?"  Right in the middle of the book store not even 20 minutes into our visit she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I am NOT going to open myself up again to get hurt...I'm not going to let anyone in."  I took a deep breath and blinked back those very rebellious tears and replied, "I didn't have a very good childhood and one time Jon told me that I could push as hard as I wanted but he was not going anywhere...and he didn't...and if you would please...please...just give us one chance...I promise that we will fight with all we have and never give up on you."  Then the boys walked up and we just fell into position.  Like we had always had each other---yet for some reason had been separated for a while. 

When we got back to the therapist's office at some point the foster mom made a joke about the kids coming with us for the weekend.  We immediately jumped on the idea and said we'd been asking for that very thing all along.  The kids were begging in unison so the therapist pronounced it "divine intervention" and gave his blessings.  Several phone calls and details and car rides later, we were on our way home...with 4 children in our truck.  Happy birthday OA.

To say we were not prepared for them to come home with us is an understatement.  Oh how I took for granted the luxury of letting laundry pile up and letting the fridge grow empty.  I had planned to go grocery shopping while the OA took a nap when we got home...HA!  Instead we were scrambling around Wal-Mart for food.  "J" was a wild man.  I am used to children holding my hands and staying near...just because...not so for him.  He was off...like a light.  I cannot count on one hand how many times OA and I looked at each other and said, "oh great, we are going to lose him on our FIRST night together".  Of course, J-Bob was beside himself with worry.  I mean...a child who wanders off???  That's SO NOT COOL in his book.  "J" finally settled himself on the bottom of the cart with his legs stuck out and arms flung wide like superman.  Really, we were THAT family that night at Wal-Mart.

We got everyone fed and eventually in bed.  "J" was so terrified due to some horrible things he had been told.  Those details must wait.  But I eventually convinced him that those things would NEVER happen to him in our house, and I slept on our concrete floor by his bed.  I have never before in my life seen a child sleep like that.  He was even kicking the walls at some point in his sleep.  May God forgive me for the anger I still cling tightly to towards his former foster family.  Many things came out that weekend.  They explained so much of what we were seeing in "J"'s behavior.  The only words I can use to describe him are that he was like a caged wild animal who was finally let free.  {My God.  I pause to praise You for your incredible kindness and grace shown by giving us this precious child in need.}  Sigh.

The whole weekend is a blur.  I didn't sleep at all.  I couldn't even shower unless OA was readily available to be the "referee" in the event that the inevitable dispute would arise.  Sunday came along and it was time to pack bags and take them home.  "J" woke from a nightmare and told me he was very sad he had to go home.  I swore to him that I'd fight harder than I'd ever fought before to get him back with us as soon as possible.  His eyes flickered hope for one second and then fell dim.  My heart ripped in two.

I have failed to mention "T".  She was simply amazing.  I am quite sure that somehow she was born from us and sent somewhere else.  She was so open and so transparent.  There's so much I want to share but I feel like I need her permission.  The whole family fell instantly in love with her.  She didn't want to leave either, and I was shocked when she said she'd give up cheerleading and her school if she could just stay.  My heart ripped again.  How was I supposed to drive them home when they were already home???

This next part of the story is surreal.  It is probably one of the hardest and most horrible moments I have ever had to endure as a Mom.  "J" refused to get into the truck.  He was kicking and screaming and crying that he didn't want to leave us.  I was begging him to understand that we would see him next week (in the back of my mind I had already been formulating how badly I needed said week to game plan a survival guide for future weekends).  It was an infantile cry that broke my heart (again).  The whole family was crying except "T".  But she was trying to comfort her brother...a side she rarely shows.  It got so bad that we had to drop J-Bob and Mermaid off with a dear friend.  I called someone who, next to God, has played the single most pivotal role in our story.  She heard "J"'s cries and didn't stop making calls until she found someone who would listen.  And once someone realized he was safe...he gave them plenty of things to listen to.  There are a million details that simply cannot be shared.  But, I can say that God is bigger than I ever dreamed because we were able to turn that truck around and go pick up J and M and go home...all 6 of us.  And my heart babies are tucked snugly into their own beds as I type.

It hasn't been an easy few weeks. We haven't had a lot of "fun" moments.  It's been exhausting and excruciating.  Being a mother of 4 demands so much.  I miss my husband's arms.  I am having to share them with so many.  I think that's the part that's thrown me the most (that I don't like sharing him 24-7).  J-Bob and Mermaid have always been "Mama's kids"...but "T" is a "Daddy's girl" which is pushing Merci into becoming a "Daddy's girl" and Jaden is just floating along trying to make heads or tails of this brother whom doesn't understand rules.  "J" is going to be a "Mama's boy" through and through, and I rue the day anyone ever tries to hurt me.  I'm pretty sure he'd kill them...instantly.  His love is that fierce.  And that precious boy kept telling me how I needed to let HIM do things for ME because he owed it to me...sigh...I told him the only thing I want from him is good choices and for him to be a little boy...just be a child. 

So at the end of a couple of very hard days, I sit in humbled amazement.  That God would entrust my family with such a huge task.  That I would be blessed enough to be frustrated by my teenager's "attitude" and my boy's bickering.  Meanwhile, Mermaid is the blessed baby of the family who has somehow found herself in the perfect position to be loved and cherished by all...the constant calmer of the crazy people.  That I would crave my husband's arms...his attention and affection...blessed alone time.  I have been desperate and exhausted and angry and elated and frustrated and joyful...but I have never once felt empty.  God is my strength...my refuge...in Him do I trust.  Even when perspective alludes me...I can cling to His goodness...and rest in His mercies that are (oh thank You, God) new EVERY morning.

This is merely the beginning of our story.  I sit in eager anticipation to see what God will write tomorrow.  For tonight, I breathe in this moment of silence and kid breaths and thank Him for all He has done in our lives.  I have never known a thankfulness like I know in this very moment.