And then Forrest Gump's Jenny and her precious prayer of making her a bird so that she could fly far...far, far away pulsed through my soul. I immediately identified with her sentiment...even years later.
Fast forward to this weekend. SO much has happened. And every.single.time. I am just certain we are capable of going that one extra mile (a marathoner's spirit can be a blessing and a curse)...I am reminded that the very reason we were walking, crawling, and just plain ole slumped over on the side of the road is because we were just certain we could not go that one extra mile...again.
The "one" came for a weekend visit. There hasn't been anything OVERTLY horrific occur. Other than needing to have one's walls up every-single-waking-moment-of-the-day being excruciating. And it makes my hero and me ugly...mostly to each other which causes all the hard-fought-for-peace to melt into a puddle of bitterness, anger, and resentment onto the floor in-between us. We were able to identify it this time and quickly mopped it up with communication and support and space...and if I'm being honest...junk food and some red wine...but the stain was still there.
It was the insidious little things. The red flag warnings. I won't mention them here as they are private and easily side tracking...but there nonetheless. And alarming. And no matter how much I want to be the Mom whose undying, unconditional love conquers the child who has brought me to my knees more than any-other-hard-thing in my life...I don't know that it's the answer. Which leaves me questioning God---why on Earth would you ask me to walk away? Though, I am not ever planning to walk away...rather...admitting that my love doesn't need proximity or title. And my love for my other children and my marriage is just as important. Especially when those pesky red flag warnings are high alert markers for the protection and safety of my other children. And my marriage.
Today in church I sat on a pew between two children...another in my arms...another across the sanctuary sitting with her friends...and two more in the nursery (one toddler and one boy whose going to be the finest Daddy around insisting on helping our little toddler "adjust" to being away from me). Hot tears slid down my cheeks as I tried to settle my burning heart into truly worshiping Him. Then we sang a song that offered a "sacrifice of praise" and I was instantly overwhelmed with how incredibly kind He is to remind me that my "sacrifice" of praise was probably more aromatic than my happy-happy-joy-joy (yes, I really just did that) "all is well" praise.
So what does any of this have to do with being a bird? Apparently David, whom I adore for his TRANSPARENCY, wished the same thing: And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! For then I would fly away, and be at rest. Psalms 55:6
Sigh. God was big enough then for David and He is big enough today for me. There really is nothing new under the sun. And all that matters is that I keep doing the next thing. And keep releasing all my need for answers, control, or even a happy ending to Him.
The Bend in the Road
Sometimes we come to life's crossroads
And view what we think is the end.
But God has a much wider vision
And He knows that it's only a bend--
The road will go on and get smoother
And after we've stopped for a rest,
The path that lies hidden beyond us
Is often the part that is best.
So rest, and relax, and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share the load
And have faith in a brighter tomorrow--
You've just come to a bend in the road.
Helen Steiner Rice
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