Boomerang Brain

This may be way more discombobulated that usual.  I have so many thoughts literally ricocheting around my mind that I am almost incapable of focusing on anything.  My husband and I stole a few moments away alone together yesterday and on the brief drive home (I don't think I even took a breath between words), the OA looked over and laughed and said, "did they put crack in your coffee?"  His comment was fair.  It's all coming to a head in about five weeks.  And I feel like I won't survive my own brain and emotional land mines in the interim.

We have had the "littles" for about 14 months now.  We are guaranteed one more.  This month will be a huge contrast to the last 14 in that we will be adding unsupervised visits between them and their biological family.  I have very mixed feelings.  There are moments of total panic and fear (usually around 2 or 3 am when our toddler is screaming out for me to "not leave her" in her sleep) in which I have to steady my breathing, focus on the here and now, fully embrace all she is to me and I am to her, and just hand it over to God.  These moments are sandwiched in between her asking to see her "other Mommy and Daddy" and my promise to Spider-man that I will in fact do every. single. thing. in. my. power. to help his Mommy and Daddy make good choices so that he can go home again.

Sigh.  Just have to pause and do that whole marinate in the fact that He is Ultimately the One in Control thing for a moment. 

And here is where the boomerang is thrown.  There have been several articles circulating the internet lately.  The ones that quantify all the "should's and should not's" in written form telling people what x amount of things they should accomplish, shouldn't accomplish, or why their way or their perspective trumps other ways or other perspectives.  There are many great concepts to be found in all of them, I am sure.  I just can't stomach so much...prescription to life.  I have found, personally,  the ultimate beauty of God giving two simple, sums-it-all-up commandments:  Love Him, Love Others.
I like simple.  I embrace it in this chaotic, complicated, messed up world we live in.

The other aside is the acknowledgement of the platform that many foster and adoptive parents stand on (rightfully so) in their finding offense by other people saying "I could never do that....I'd get too attached" (cough, cough, blush...I was one of those who said that) and/or the asking of stupid questions.  I guess the fact that I have a child with autism, AND I eat  weird, AND I educate at home has sort of anesthetized me to the comments and questions of others, most days.  I think I have gotten them all; I have been offended plenty.  BUT, I have also learned that so much is spoken in total ignorance and that if I stopped answering these questions then I stop advocating for the things that are so dear to me.  By advocating I do not mean: shoving MY convictions upon OTHERS.  I mean, living my life in transparency and sincerely welcoming the freedom for others to be just as transparent.   When transparency is done this way then there should be no wrong fears and no wrong questions.  Rather there should begin a dialogue of love between two people who are simply trying to walk in His glory who happen to meet along the way while traveling separate paths each adding value to the task that is "love" commanded by God. 

Which leads me back to my original topic:  attachment.  The most asked question and/or fear seems to revolve around the notion that an attachment so strong will develop and be too difficult to lose.  Well, let me just go ahead and state that my single biggest fear in life is to lose someone I love.  I know this is common, but my fear trumps all reason...it keeps me up at night...it swallows me whole at times.  I see death and loss at every corner.  I push away as much true intimacy as possible in an attempt to make it easier if/when the inevitable occurs.  It just is who I am, and I am certain it has a lot to do with my childhood...blah...blah...blah.  Bottom line:  I deal with this by loving deeply and holding tightly...like...white-knuckled-clutch.  And yet, God has taught me so much.  And while I am deeply attached to my children (all of them...foster or not); I am more attached to the knowledge that He loves them even more.  That is my comfort.  That is how I regain regular breathing pattern amidst the storm of anxiety.  Just know that you may attach, and it may hurt to let go...but NOTHING compares to all that happens in your life, your family's life, and the life of the child(ren) that makes it not worth it.  Even if they go back to a life less than your hopes and dreams..they go back being touched and having touched.  And again, God loves and dreams greater for them...and it is so cool to watch Him pen His Sovereign penmanship on a child you love's life. 

The question I do not get asked is:  what if I don't attach...what if they don't attach...what if there is NO ATTACHMENT...the ENTIRE 14 months you have a child living in your home under the protection of your love and care?   That (for me) is where the rubber meets the road.  Our Spider-man has fought every single attempt or acknowledgement of true love.  He is far from a real attachment.  While it feels like I have wasted the last 14 months of my sanity (ha, me...sane??!!) on him, if I step back and evaluate what he has overcome in such a relatively short (though NEVER ENDING) amount of time...I am amazed.  He has learned respect.  Respect is the first step to love and attachment.  Respect leads to trust...trust leads to love.  Love...sigh...unlocks the doors to life, right?  Well, wrong if you have an attachment disorder.  There are plenty of us who have learned that the aforementioned domino effect of respect, trust, love = pain.  And just because someone else understands that their love is a real, healthy, and safe love...doesn't mean that the person terrified of it will comprehend that...no matter what...for a VERY, VERY, VERY long time.  So we have spent 14 months, in many ways, faking it.  Not faking the love.  We adore Spider-man.  Faking the part that wants to scream at how utterly impossible it is to reason with the unreasonable.  Faking the fact that "dying to self" isn't the single.most.excruciating.thing.ever. to do....and...come on now...DAILY???????  For the LOVE, God...isn't there ANY OTHER WAY???  (Do ya think He laughs at us?  The myopic minds we struggle within?)

For Spider-man?  I think the biggest gift I can continue to give him is that of love of his biological parents.   We are really real "up in hurrrr" and he knows that there are areas of change that have needed to occur in his parents.  He understands that the choices they have made in the past were dangerous.  He now gets that love has boundaries and protection.  He is fully aware (at the ripe old age of almost-seven) that people are flawed and no matter how hard you try...you can't stop loving them just because it would make your life easier.  He has reminded me of how pure and beautiful the hope of a child for a parent can be...is...should always be.  That's something that should NEVER be counted among these kid's "managed Losses".  God is a God of Redemption.  It is His desire that NONE shall perish.  My goodness, may we all get back to that early-held-dear-dream for all to be saved.  I know that I started praying for my Dad when I was 4.  I was in my early 30's and a mother of two when he called me and told me of his acceptance of Jesus...his acceptance of Forgiveness...his acceptance of Love...sigh...Praise God...who is so, so, so good and faithful....despite the circumstances that surround.  How great is His Love for us.  And how beautiful His story...even when the ending to specific chapters are written as if an antithesis of our own chosen ending.