don't sweat the small stuff

well...i have made a huge decision...esp for this type A, perfectionistic granola...if there is such a thing...no wonder i have issues...those traits don't easily co-exist with one another...

anyhow...i am slowing down. there is a project option in one of my classes...if you don't do them...your highest earn-able grade is a C...just typing that makes my heart beat faster, breathing shorter, and i am quite sure i just talked myself out of a mini-panic attack...a C...really...am i going to allow myself to take a C!?

well, yes...i am...i consider it therapy for one...who the heck cares about a freaking C...well besides other type A's...can i tell you...dear readers what i HAVE earned this semester?? A's on all tests (well i made an 88 on one test that i didn't study for and was sick while taking), papers, and assignments...yes...in addition to sending my less than one year's ASD diagnosed son to kindergarten...in addition to starting a new diet and therapies for my daughter...in addition to the one hundred other ridiculous/wonderfully rewarding things i sign myself up for EVERYDAY!? i think a C won't keep me from Heaven...which...is my ultimate goal anyhow...not to mention spending the precious and amazing moments of childhood with my rug-rats...and squeezing all the sexy love out of my man...and loving the incredible friends God has blessed me with...that's what counts...

today...i am slowing down...(my mom will read this...laugh...and say...uh huh...and for how long!?) well...the idea is not to stop...just start constantly evaluating my choices...BEFORE...i make them...i am learning...i am great at making objective and well-thought decisions with the big stuff...it's in all the: sure, i'll do it...oh, ok...i don't mind to do that...and why don't you let me....

so can i get some reminders when i get my grades at the end of the semester? OA is supportive, relieved, but a tad nervous that the reality of a C will send me straight over the edge...autism, merminator, marriage, financial difficulties...nothing i can't handle (in His Mercy)...but a freaking C...oh my...maybe i should start working on that project after all...

realities of motherhood

there are moments when motherhood is so inexplicably amazing...moments when you are capable of wrapping your mind around the sacrifice, the new identity, the sheer brilliance of childhood...

and then there are other moments...the ones no one prepares you for...sitting outside a classroom listening to people dissect your child's abilities, watching your daughter fight to breathe, the worry, the concern, the desperation...the love that is so intense...yet so ultimately helpless...

last night and today have been such moments for me...do i blog them? do i let other's into the desperate moments of my soul...what if there is one other mom who needs to know that there are days...hours...minutes...that you want to give up, run away, scream...

self-pity...today i pitied myself...even said a curse word in the direction of Heaven...but what brings me through these moments...how do i keep from giving up?

the caring friend who didn't blink a judging eye as she watched me throw the word in frustration at God...the friend who instead acted as the hands and feet of my Saviour and helped my little girl calm down...at least a bit...

my mom...who knows that sound in my voice means i am rapidly coming unraveled...who drops it all to come and give me a much needed night of re-grouping...my mom who worries for me just as i worry for mermaid...it must never get easier...

my mother-in-law who so intuitively knows over the miles that her family was hurting...who listens, who loves, who understands despite the distance...

my God...who isn't changed by the anger i expressed...who instead forgives, understands, heals...

i pitied myself for a moment...and yet...i know, i trust, i believe...

i. will. survive. this.

we. will. survive. this. together.

miracles and trials

well first things first...

saturday, in the midst of frenzied cleaning...the mermaid starting asking some tough questions...they got my attention, so i slowed what i was doing and answered them...

my almost four year old daughter was curious about how Jesus felt about men who don't like Him or are mean to Him...i explained that it breaks Jesus' heart, but He still loves them...that's why He came...because we all make bad choices sometime...anyhow...Heaven was addressed (again by her questioning)...she said she wanted to go to Heaven and live with Jesus...so we prayed for Jesus to come and live in her heart forever...

it was incredible...right in the middle of a busy saturday afternoon full of chores and checklists...my baby girl asked Jesus into her heart...how thankful i am to have been apart of that decision....

you know...just relating that story makes the financial pressures of today seem so insignificant...how thankful i am for my children...and for my amazing husband who constantly sacrifices for the sake of "recovering" our children...and who so unnecessarily carries the financial burden on his shoulders...may God bless him and reveal to him that he can cast that burden somewhere else...that we aren't suffering as a family...rather...working together and leaning on Him...sigh...i woke up this morning thinking i had so little when in fact...i have so much...

my big decision is continuing school next semester...we are officially down to one car as of today...and my going to school has placed a tremendous financial burden on my family...am i wrong...rushing...not listening to God...should i be focused on the sacrifice of today for the blessing of tomorrow...finishing school would nearly double our income...do i really want to work...am i supposed to be satisfied with near poorness...figuring out how to make it as a stay-at-home-mom...sigh...is God asking me to quit school one more time?? or am i just not trusting He will provide me with the means to finish...sigh, sigh, sigh.

i have struggled with this since giving birth...can mommies be professionals AND mommies...i know it happens everyday...but my personality isn't very good at balance...HA...just thinking of me being balanced makes me laugh...kindof an all-or-nothing girl...oh well...right now i just need to pray for God to help me get back and forth to UALR for one more month...i have worked way too hard to not finish this semester...blessings...focus on my blessings...they are many...many indeed...

sigh...

so i am a bit down today...for reason i won't express...as i can't even discuss politics for one second...SSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!

wow...i needed that...ok...so here's an old post...needed some inspiration for week two...and i also want to focus on what i can control...not what i cannot...

MOTION:

last summer (or two summers ago...who knows) i caught myself glaring at a hot mom on the beach while we were on vacation...not only did i split my capris (my fat-pants-capris) on that trip...i also had a good friend ask me if i was four months pregnant...AND not one time (in beautiful FWB, FL!!??) did i put on a bathing suit...

This was my second summer to not take my kids swimming past the kiddy pool in our back yard...RIDICULOUS! i took every energy and fat burning pill...i did weight watchers...i thought it had to be my thyroid...(or the 30 year mark for my body with two kids)...

it all started to change when i gave up meat for almost 6 months...as healthy as i think being a vegetarian is...i don't think vegetarianism was the answer as much as having to stop and think about EVERYTHING i put into my mouth...not to mention...vegetarian diets aren't usually embraced by the fast food *chemical* chains we were frequenting all too often...

and then i discovered: running...or in my case 'junning'...as it's way more of a jog than a run...the key to running? good tunes...good shoes...hydration...will power...

i love running...i love how i feel after i have done just one more song longer than i thought i could...i love pushing myself...the alone time i have with my thoughts and my God...He speaks to me when i run...sometimes i can run long and sometimes i have to be satisfied with just walking...sometimes i look at my goal...the end of the street...i demand myself to keep my eyes firmly fixed on my goal...other times i only allow myself to look one foot in front of the other....one step at a time...you can do this...don't stop...don't give up...one more step...

always...i am sad that it's over...always...i am a better person for doing it...always...i teach my kiddos that feeling good is an active choice...we have to choose to be happy...we have to choose to be healthy...we have to choose to refuse a mediocre life...

i will never again be the one who glares at a mom because she is healthy enough to wear a bathing suit and play with her children on the beach...i will not settle for what my 31 year old body tries to tell me is acceptable...God has blessed me with the ability to be in motion...with the ability to teach my daughter how to have a positive self-image...how not to hate her body for the things she can control and how important it is to have an outlet...a release for more than the way it makes me look...rather the way it makes me feel....the time it gives me to think...clear the clutter of my thoughts...enjoy God's creations...it's powerful...it's exhilarating...

it's EXHAUSTING...let's be honest...i feel every dang muscle in my out of shape body...BUT I LOVE IT!! bunions and all!!!!

half marathon and halloween

it's official...i am registered for my first half-marathon...my friend granola-sis-extraordinaire is joining me...OA said there is no backing out now...if i try to back out he's gonna tie me to the back of a car and drag me for 13.1 miles...

i sooo married that man for his looks...speaking of...i need to post the pic of how hot he looks in his sunglasses...oh, sorry...

anyhow...we started training this week...monday starts the official 19 week countdown...any takers?? little rock marathon...come on...i think solar should SO do this with me!! i'm working on a great play list...would love any suggestions...

tonight was great...the kiddos traded their hard earned trick or treated candy for a special toy...worked out great for OA...who insisted that i buy candy instead of fruit to pass out...again...the dynamics of a granola marrying a preppy jock...at least we still flirt (when we aren't refraining from killing each other)...