autism

i just read another mom's post...my heart is bleeding with pain for her thoughts, fears, worries, everyday concerns...we take so much for granted...

if you have a child capable of looking you in the eyes, and hugging you, and understanding their needs...

if you know the sound of: i wuv you, mama...

my God...do you need anything else...?

one year ago i realized my son was on the autistic spectrum...i don't know if that's when i stopped breathing...or finally started living...i will forever be thankful for my love of research...i think i have read more books this year than my entire life combined...

is jaden recovered? no.

is he better than he was a year ago? my God, yes.

does he have friends? incredible ones.

does he have a long journey ahead? who doesn't?

will he be ok? i believe!

has he already changed lives? undoubtedly!

do i still have mind-numbing attacks of panic and worry? all the time...but i am learning they are not just over autism...mermaid's behavior had no definition...no biomedical protocol...i guess i am at least thankful for some things 'autism'...actually...many things 'autism'...i celebrate my son's uniqueness...i just want his brain to be unclouded and his body to be healthy.

have i stopped comparing him to others? sigh...that's the hardest part ever...i just have to constantly tell myself...let it go...you wanted an out-of-the-box child...celebrate him...just the way he is today...if he never recovers beyond what he has today...be am thankful for every single step he's worked so hard for...

he's a fighter...my little boy...not so little anymore...double sigh...what does his future hold?

to all of the other mom's out there...hold on...

hold on to the small steps
hold on to your God
hold on to your other children
hold on to your husband
hold on to the friends and family that support you
hold on to the generosity of others
hold on to your hopes, your dreams, your faith
just hold on

don't stop living...your children need a whole mother...don't let autism rob more than your child's mind! this has been the hardest year of my entire life...and when there is nothing more for me to do...i just keep holding on...

glorious snot!

ahh...thanksgiving...typically it's my favorite holiday...this year i started off less in the mood...not the thankful part...just that it's so hard to gear up for feasting when all the gluten and casein makes a sister sick...i have been cheating more lately which has explained my crazy mood swings and terrible cramps...

all these years i thought it was girl pains...NOPE...gluten...sigh...well...that should be easy enough to fix...except that I LOVE FOOD!

BUT...my small family headed out t-day to wally world...grabbed a few things...i came home and prepared a huge salad, fruit salad, some hummus, chips, salsa, veggie tray, and the BEST dang turkey chili i have ever made! we had a late dinner and topped it off with a fabulous gfcfsfef chocolate cake...mermaid had it all over her and didn't even care!!

of course, in between, the OA had his traditional-non-traditional gyoza, and i made him an oreo ice cream cake...and bought him a cheese ball with wheat thins...oh the gluten-casein torture...of course i caved...could explain my glorious snot! OH...and i may have had the best double shot latte complete with cow's milk...EVER...so it turned out to be quite a remarkably low-key thanksgiving...OA and i agreed we preferred the simplicity of it...wish we could've zapped our family in FL over...they appreciate simple...sigh...we do miss them so...there are few times in my life that i would like to re-visit...the evenings laughing on our screened in back porch playing games and darts...man...talk about alive...the best part is...we knew it...those moments are so cherished...

today j-man, mermaid, and i are all sick...i have never thought i would nearly burst into tears of thanks over soft tissue...the granola in me is happy to use a shirt sleeve or a paper towel...but the liquid waterfall of my nose said: ENOUGH! and my sexy husband rescued me with some benedryl and kleenex!

so off to apply a thick layer of diaper rash ointment on my nostrils and surrounding area...ahh...sweet relief!

fartleks, tooth fairies, and thanksgiving

so, i love that i get to say: i fartlek'd today...and watch the expressions on people's faces...i saw a runner's t-shirt that said "who fartlek'd?"...gotta have it! it's a running technique btw...i was going to move on (topically) but i figured some would lose sight of all i had remaining to post dying to know what a fartlek was...

j-bob last his first tooth...it happened while i was in dallas...OA blogged pics and story...how great that he did that for me...we didn't tell j-man that it was the tooth fairy...but he told me on the phone that someone left money under his pillow, and he "sinks it wuz the toof fairy"...oh well...ya win some ya lose some...

i have to update on mermaid...i have been very concerned that she may have been showing some freaky signs of bi-polar...way too early for such a diagnosis...but...i have my concerns...anyhow...i think...THANK YOU JESUS...i may have finally figured it all out...i'll know next week...as she was showing some signs of episodic behavior but that may have been coincidental...i started her back on singulair...the pink stuff with phenylalnine...well...she'd get better for a while but then (i think) after those chemicals started building up...she'd react...SO...i'd take her off...the detox from chemicals would make her seem better...BUT...the problems of not getting adequate oxygen would spiral into bad behavior again...SO...our DAN! prescribed a white red 40 and phenylalanine free version of sigulair...thank you walgreens for being the only place to carry it!!...we are into the second week...still good behavior...this is to include me leaving and us going off of routine with the holidays...i even let her eat skittles the other day as a special treat...and she was (mostly) amazingly behaved!! the whole on-again-off-again with the singulair was an accident, and i am only guessing on all this...it's just the only thing i can pin-point as being the consistent possibility...again...if she spirals out of control again next week...i'll know more...or less...i shall say...but tonight...i am simply thankful that it's been almost two weeks of no two hour meltdowns...

i look back at the last year of my life...i kinda have to laugh...really, Lord??...but much like my training...when the long run finally comes to an end...and the entire time i have to keep turning off those negative self-talks i like to shout inside my head...i take a many exhausted deep breaths...wow...that wasn't so bad...i can do this...really...i can...and i think i may learn to like it in the end (or die trying)...this is why paul (from the Bible) refers to running the good race...life is one big race...sometimes i am so focused on just finishing that i forget that i am loving...and hating every single blessed minute of it!

if jon and i do nothing else right in this life...thank You Lord...for the childhood we are giving our children...that every childhood could be so cherished...our children are growing up faster than i ever imagined...my son spends 50% less time in my face...sigh...he wants to ride the school bus for crying out loud...my heart is in a vice grip...how thankful am i to have the tough decision to make of once again...slowing down my own school...to enjoy the rapidly fleeting moments of childhood with my beloved angels...how can i ever think i have nothing to be thankful for...!!??

and have you seen my husband!!?? a granola can only be so deep...give me a break...you'd melt too for that crooked smile and big dimple!

wounds

i have come to dallas for a long over-due time of rest...i have had more time to think in the last two days than i have had in the last five years...

i have just realized that i have wounds from my past...wounds i didn't realize i still had...ironically, i scar very easily...the deeper the wound the bigger the scar tissue...i think they are called keloids...i am pretty sure my heart has many, too...the things from childhood...the smallest...the biggest...things...can be so wounding.

over the years, i have minimized my wounds...and instead i have begun taking on the wounds of those hurting around me...gladly assuming their scars...i guess it's been a way of hiding from my own.

until yesterday...i am pretty sure i have never been completely vulnerable to my husband...nine years of marriage...two beautiful children...and still not complete vulnerability...we make a damn good team...we are the best of friends...great lovers...but still...why can i not surrender my heart...

the same reason i fear God...fear that He is going to rip the rug right out from under me...because i have too much scar tissue...this trip...i am surrendering myself...i can trust my God, and i can trust my husband...i have got to stop hiding...i bleed my heart dry...leaving it empty...protected...safe...strong...

He promises i am strong when i am weak...i choose my strength to come from my vulnerability...i choose not to walk away...not to hide...not to be afraid...anymore.

i choose to trust...i choose to have a mind-blowing God-centered marriage...and i know when i get back...i am coming back to a man who is also choosing to change...a man i can trust...a man who does in fact love me...very very much...

a man who is not responsible for what happened in my past, a man who would never hurt me, a man who would never leave me, and a man who has promised to protect me...and our children...forever.

there are mistakes in our lives...and i am thankful these for mistakes...they remind me of Mercy, they remind me of Grace, and they bring me to my knees...it is there...i am fully surrendered...it is there...i feel healing...it is there...the pain goes away...

new running blog

ok...so remember the whole gonna slow down...take things off my plate...

well...i have started a separate blog to chronicle my training for the little rock half (or whole if you are crazy) marathon...

due to the personal things i may relate...i am setting it up as a subscribe only...or whatever it is...i think you have to get permission to read it...no offense taken if you are not interested in reading about my shin splints and miles and miles of pain...but solar is joining me on my masochistic quest to train for a half marathon...so i thought it'd be great to share our misery together...

misery does love company!

granola chics run

enjoy!!