i have come to dallas for a long over-due time of rest...i have had more time to think in the last two days than i have had in the last five years...
i have just realized that i have wounds from my past...wounds i didn't realize i still had...ironically, i scar very easily...the deeper the wound the bigger the scar tissue...i think they are called keloids...i am pretty sure my heart has many, too...the things from childhood...the smallest...the biggest...things...can be so wounding.
over the years, i have minimized my wounds...and instead i have begun taking on the wounds of those hurting around me...gladly assuming their scars...i guess it's been a way of hiding from my own.
until yesterday...i am pretty sure i have never been completely vulnerable to my husband...nine years of marriage...two beautiful children...and still not complete vulnerability...we make a damn good team...we are the best of friends...great lovers...but still...why can i not surrender my heart...
the same reason i fear God...fear that He is going to rip the rug right out from under me...because i have too much scar tissue...this trip...i am surrendering myself...i can trust my God, and i can trust my husband...i have got to stop hiding...i bleed my heart dry...leaving it empty...protected...safe...strong...
He promises i am strong when i am weak...i choose my strength to come from my vulnerability...i choose not to walk away...not to hide...not to be afraid...anymore.
i choose to trust...i choose to have a mind-blowing God-centered marriage...and i know when i get back...i am coming back to a man who is also choosing to change...a man i can trust...a man who does in fact love me...very very much...
a man who is not responsible for what happened in my past, a man who would never hurt me, a man who would never leave me, and a man who has promised to protect me...and our children...forever.
there are mistakes in our lives...and i am thankful these for mistakes...they remind me of Mercy, they remind me of Grace, and they bring me to my knees...it is there...i am fully surrendered...it is there...i feel healing...it is there...the pain goes away...
My Quivers
3 comments:
So nice for you to have a few days away! It does wonders for how you feel about home and your daily grind! I was thinking, though, that open wounds hurt and bleed. Scars don't...the don't hurt, in fact, they aren't as sensitive as normal skin. They only represent what was painful in the past, but they are completely healed and scar tissue is tougher than before.
You can be stronger for your past experiences...as painful as they were....if you choose to. And it sounds like you ARE choosing to! :) xxoo I bet your family is really looking forward to Mom coming home!
Great cleansing post! What's that surgery they do to remove scar tissue? I heard it's kind of painful but God has a lazer that works miracles (especially on scars of the heart)and it 'only hurts a little bit.' I've been there...guess what? Completely scar free at the moment. Sounds to me like He is working on you already. God bless you, my sister...enjoy your time of refreshing and renewing. Be safe. :-D
I guess you could get a different response from each person that comments. But I've been thinking about this. I don't think God removes our scars...just like he doesn't remove our memories. We have to choose whether we are going to let our past hurts control our lives now, or are we going to be better, stronger people because of them. We can continue to pick at the scars and open up the wounds again or we can completely turn all the hurt over to Him and move on, being better people because of our experiences.
Just a thought...
Post a Comment