yes it is five am

a few early am thoughts on four hours of sleep before a five am run:

my reflective vest is oh-so sexy

my dogs just looked at me like i was crazy for being outta bed already

coffee can never be too hot or too sweet at this hour

i am quite sure a bird just laughed at me

deep sigh

man...oh man...not even sure where to begin?

in my typical manner...i'll start in the middle...and spiral around...because that is the way my brain works.

i went on a run this morning. i stopped taking my medication for anxiety 7 days ago. i also gave up gluten for good...and meat for however long my body allows this go around.

it all started when mermaid questioned why eating other animals was ok...but not ok to eat her dog? well...i found that hard to explain...the hierarchy of animals...so we talked for awhile and it ended with her deciding not to eat meat. (that lasted less than 2 days). but that was all that it took for me to be re-ignited. more because i dusted off my old cookbooks that always brought me such joy...and less because i wanna save the animals...though...the idea of eating flesh has always gnawed at me a bit.

and all things said: granolachic...i began to do some research. i am quite convinced that the PROPER vegan diet is one of the healthiest ways for, at the very least, me to live.

so my run.

it was amazing...and i realized that i was thinking again...and i realized that my medication was a beautiful vacation from my over-active mind...but that all it did was suppress my thoughts...these thoughts...they were just silenced by the whir...whir...whir...of my neurotransmitters being re-uptaked or inhibited...what-have-you.

i really was so very happy. on my meds. maybe not even happy. but content. sigh.

why would i walk away from that?

but i was content just being...and i ceased doing. and i am by the very nature of my soul...a do-er.

during my run all i could think about was the fact that i have always been running...away...in circles...towards...up hills...in more circles...down hills...in more circles...i have done a lot of running in circles and away. but i always come back to where i started. i have given the demons of my past...the bad choices and sins of others more room in my life than necessary.

today on my run i resolved that i did not want to swallow a pill that squelched my spirit...i did not want to run away anymore...i wanted to run...but this time...full throttle...and over the very obstacles that try to pull me down. i am ready to knock those skeletons out of the closet and flat on their arses...for good.

today...i ran a new PR (personal record). it was the hardest run that i have accomplished thus far...and i gutted the last leg out...and the rest of the day...mostly sucked. and i went to reach for my pills...and i wanted to wash them down with a gulp of wine...but instead...i prayed...i apologized to my children...and i decided to write to whomever would listen.

and the rest of my days may include extreme moodiness...possible anxiety attacks...more apologies...reconciling my trust issues...leaning on His understanding and not my own...bouts of depression...lots of laughter...re-arranging the house to the point of insanity...knitting, sewing, reading, and writing (all of which were halted due to lack of interest while on the meds)...and lots and lots of running.

and in the end...i may be swallowing a pill again...but this time...if that is the answer He gives...it will not be because i am running away...it will be because that is the only way to run over.

early morning prayers

I keep coming back to this passage:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 6,7

This is my third week of getting up at 4:45 am to run with a friend(s) by 5. It has turned out to be some of my most favorite parts of my day. The best part being awake and exercised by 6 to spend some quiet time with God. The whole early morning with Him and exercise is so simple...that it is often written off...at least for me. Not to mention that I am now in a new season of life...my children are sleeping through (most of) the night. They are five and almost seven.

My prayers this morning are for God to continue to work in/through my family. It truly seems that He is preparing our hearts to possibly adopt. The kids and I are fully on board...OA...well...he will always be our reality compass...but he seems open...just not realizing it yet. This morning I was overwhelmed to pray that God prepare the child who may be brought into this family...and prepare us to receive him/her. This is an area that I want to not put my hands on...not manipulate the outcome...rather...fully trust and rely and listen.

I pray for my husband to continue to lead...and listen...and love us. He is turning into this incredible man...I cannot even describe the remarkable changes in his heart...it is all God. I am so thankful.

I pray that God would continue to be smack dab in the center of our home...our lives...our schooling. That my children would eternally seek Him. That this magical unexplainable love for Him...awe of Him...would never ever leave their hearts, minds, soul.

I don't even know what to pray in regards to autism anymore...J-bob just seems so perfect...in his imperfection. I forget we even live a special needs life. There are jabbing reminders everynow and then...but they bounce off...usually...because in the grand scheme of it all...he is in love with his saviour...and exhibits Light and Love like very few. He is so much in the world yet so not of the world...why would I ever pray to recover that? I am simply thankful that God has healed his body...that he is eating healthy foods...that his skin is clear and his immune system is working...that his mind and heart are with us. My eternal thanks.

For my daughter...my precious mirror of my soul. sigh. I am so thankful for the relationship that has grown between us...may it only deepen with time. I am thankful for the opportunities she gives me to see God and a daddy through fresh eyes. She is beyond a joy. My princess.

For my friends, family, neighbors, enemies...may God shine Light, Love, and Hope into their lives.

in His Precious Name.

Taking a break

Well, as if it is not obvious...I am having to take a blog break. My life is simply so very full right now. Full in a good way. Very good.

God is absolutely amazing. I am finally not closing my eyes...holding my breath...waiting for the good to disappear. He is good no matter what. My heart has always known that...but my head is just now wrapping itself around what that means. So on the good days and the bad days...I am standing firm on/in His goodness!

Thank you all for your faithful prayers. I will continue to drop in on your blogs! And I am hoping that come summer...I may have more "blog time"!

half marathon

oh wow...

i did it.

i had rsv...have rsv...my lungs are killing me...but i did it.

not alone...

with incredible friends and my brother ran it, too.

so tired and will post pics as i get them.

thanks for love and prayers!