should be studying

i should be studying but i have the house to myself with no drs appointment or therapy sessions to whisk a child to...i am in HEAVEN! is it possible that heaven will be in the form of a soft cozy robe with a steaming hot cup of coffee and a good book? all alone...quiet...just Jesus occasionally peeking in to make sure i am doing well...i know i know...don't stone me...heaven isn't going to be about me...but when i finally get there...heaven will include that wonderful part of no more selfish attitudes...until then...i am a big flesh-fightin' fool.

ok. so i am thinking that "here i go again"...and of course...it's an uphill battle bc the "professionals" told me not to worry, along with every other tom, dick, and harry...but that nagging voice inside...that random post on a group that i have had no time to read...but happened to read just this one today...i don't know...i honestly think mermaid is showing...has always showed some signs of ASD...there are just too many things...though...i am not going to fight to label her...as i think she will do just fine without it (thanks to biomedical treatments!! and her behavior therapy...you know for ODD-ha)...BUT...i am going to promptly remove gluten, casein, and soy from her diet. i am also going to start her on the same supplements as j-bob and if we could afford it...i would send her to our DAN...

maybe it's just wishful thinking...bc of course...i am that mom who wants there to be something wrong with both of my kids...or...bc "what i have been through with jaden" naturally causes me to worry and see things that aren't there...SCREAM...mentally slapping about three different people right now...ok...sorry...*composure* but i cannot ignore the clues...i cannot ignore that most moms aren't on the brink of nervous breakdowns bc of their child's behavior...i refuse to listen to the comments that it's just bc i lack consistency, need to spank more, haven't given enough attention, etc. rather, i will once again put on my big-girl panties...take yet another family time-out and only surround myself with that which will bring my daughter closer to experiencing a normal, happy life.

so my question is...if autism is a neurological disorder...why does it also HAVE to include delays? that is the only part that kicks mermaid out from consideration...but wasn't i also told my son could be "no where" on the spectrum bc he was social (might i add that the "whale" of a dr who said this will no longer be with the center in the near future!!)? mermaid isn't social...but doesn't have delays...rather...i am willing to bet she would test gifted...j-bob's iq was average to above average...also willing to bet it would test simply above average now that he's almost 1 year into biomedical treatment...anyhow...i digress...the bottom line...i am sticking to my guns on mermaid...no further vaccinations...no more gluten, casein, or soy...and adding supplements as soon as $$ allows!

just yesterday...after my huge meltdown the day before which promptly led me to my knees in prayer (why does it take meltdowns for me to humble myself)...mermaid's quiet voice from the backseat of the car: mommy, i liked taking a nap today...and mommy...i love my school...

thank you Jesus for that one piece of validation that i am in fact listening to You...sigh...how hard it is to hear Your voice over my own nagging-guilt-infused-second-guessing voice...You are so faithful...even when i am not.