listening to God...brown paper bag

so...i am realizing more and more...how i have only been half listening to God for many years now...probably because the cries and screams of infants and toddlers coupled with the extreme lack of sleep...drowned out most every one's voice. i will never forget sitting (more like-slumping over) a table at a woman's conference after having j-bob. we were supposed to "get to know" each other. the other ladies were dressed nicely, fresh make-up, smiles. i was still wearing yesterday's clothes in which i had slept in...probably had make-up from the following week smudged here and there...and my face was far from smiling a real smile. i just wanted: SLEEP. this sweet unsuspecting lady turned and looked at me went on and on about how often she did devotionals and which ones she did...

then asked: so where/when do you do your devotionals?? (insert her big perky well intentioned grin)

me: (insert my guilt-ridden-blushing-shocked-face)...ummm...on the toilet...?

i mean really moms...there are seasons in our life...and my good friend who happened to also be the wife of a preacher...my preacher...well...he is far from a "preacher"...more like an amazing teacher of the Word...ANYHOW...i confided to her one morning that i was failing miserably as a mom because i never read my Bible. she looked at me with the kindest eyes and reminded me to stop worrying...spend as much time with God as i could...and that doesn't HAVE to be in the form of a "scheduled" devotional...

today...i get what she was saying. those early years (and here is where the brown paper bag comes in...for me to breathe in...because...I AM PAST THOSE YEARS...BIGGEST-SOB-SIGH-SNOT-BUBBLE-SOB...and onto a new season with my kiddos) i learned more about the Heart and Grace and Mercy of God than i have my entire life. being a mom is exhausting...takes you to the brink...and then some...and without God...would have left me sucking my thumb in the fetal position with the covers pulled up over my head.

but because of God...i have been shown so much about what unconditional love, patience, prayer, faith, and trust really and truly look like. i am pretty sure all of those things are personified in the heart and eyes of my precious kiddos. and because of those precious kiddos...and the daddy i have lusted, loved, hated, cursed, loved, and once again lusted (yes marriage is a whole separate blog!), the most amazing daddy i have ever seen...working together through all things said: family.

if you are a new mom...hold tight to these years...you will soon miss sleepless nights...crying with your infant bc you cannot soothe them...diapers...BREASTFEEDING...the way those precious angels latch on...and you...YOU...are giving them all they need to survive...it's so incredible...being a mom...and as much as i desperately cherish those memories...i am excited about (yet brown bag is still close by) what God has for this season. the season of questions, recovery, personality, and learning.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*sigh

Re-Post of one of my first: Light

just today i had the opportunity to serve a family of three...a father...a mother...and an adolescent daughter...with autism...and not just autism...cerebral palsy...you know...just for added measure...

i never would have guessed autism, until i looked down at the father's wrist and noticed his blue autism awareness bracelet...of course...immediately...there was much to talk about.

mostly i listened...briefly...i had the opportunity to look into the mother's eyes as she was tending to their daughter...in her eyes...i saw...nothing........emptiness.......

maybe it was her dark day...but maybe...as i listened to the father...maybe it was more than that...maybe she was so exhausted, so consumed, so needed for so many years with no relief in sight...maybe she really was empty...

my heart is aching...i am angry for her...at what point does a mother look up to heaven and scream: GIVE ME MY CHILD...THE CHILD I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF...THE CHILD I HAVE PRAYED FOR...GIVE ME MY CHILD...PLEASE...!!!???

i looked into her child's eyes twice...she looked back at me both times...her eyes were not empty...they were overflowing with so much expression...i still see those eyes...a burning contrast to her mothers...

sigh...it's so easy to become consumed...i pray for that mother to have the light turned back on in her eyes...that she would be able to see the life in her own daughter's eyes and gain a sense of peace and strength from the very one she is pouring her light into...

may more people reach out to the daughter...stop being afraid of discomfort in the differences...start seeing the light in the eyes of the voiceless...

God...forgive me...i am angry...angry for this family...angry for every family that recovery may not be a possibility...almost willing to sacrifice the obvious recoverability of my son for those less hopeful...i simply cannot imagine a future with no hope...how bleak...how desperate...no wonder there was no light in that mother's eyes...

if this exchange of glances leads to nothing more than the burning flames of my hope to ignite a small spark of hope in that mother's life...through prayer alone...may this moment not go unnoticed...unanswered...unlit