Re-Post of one of my first: Light

just today i had the opportunity to serve a family of three...a father...a mother...and an adolescent daughter...with autism...and not just autism...cerebral palsy...you know...just for added measure...

i never would have guessed autism, until i looked down at the father's wrist and noticed his blue autism awareness bracelet...of course...immediately...there was much to talk about.

mostly i listened...briefly...i had the opportunity to look into the mother's eyes as she was tending to their daughter...in her eyes...i saw...nothing........emptiness.......

maybe it was her dark day...but maybe...as i listened to the father...maybe it was more than that...maybe she was so exhausted, so consumed, so needed for so many years with no relief in sight...maybe she really was empty...

my heart is aching...i am angry for her...at what point does a mother look up to heaven and scream: GIVE ME MY CHILD...THE CHILD I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF...THE CHILD I HAVE PRAYED FOR...GIVE ME MY CHILD...PLEASE...!!!???

i looked into her child's eyes twice...she looked back at me both times...her eyes were not empty...they were overflowing with so much expression...i still see those eyes...a burning contrast to her mothers...

sigh...it's so easy to become consumed...i pray for that mother to have the light turned back on in her eyes...that she would be able to see the life in her own daughter's eyes and gain a sense of peace and strength from the very one she is pouring her light into...

may more people reach out to the daughter...stop being afraid of discomfort in the differences...start seeing the light in the eyes of the voiceless...

God...forgive me...i am angry...angry for this family...angry for every family that recovery may not be a possibility...almost willing to sacrifice the obvious recoverability of my son for those less hopeful...i simply cannot imagine a future with no hope...how bleak...how desperate...no wonder there was no light in that mother's eyes...

if this exchange of glances leads to nothing more than the burning flames of my hope to ignite a small spark of hope in that mother's life...through prayer alone...may this moment not go unnoticed...unanswered...unlit

the gluten free goddess wins again!

ok...confession time...i have begun to LOATHE cooking...could it be that i love cheese and wheat so much that not cooking with these very items depress me? could it be that i am tired of measuring 100 different ingredients out in an effort to have a normal pancake? could it be that...i have grown lazy? gotten uncreative? bored with life?

hmmmm...maybe...but maybe it's just apart of my a-typical-mom-role that i constantly battle. i think it may be time to finally admit it: ...i am not the typical mom, and i do not mother typical children, and my husband is far from the typical man...SO...my quirky little family shall just have to learn to co-exist with the normal people in our own quirky little way...

which leads me to: THE gluten free goddess

she rocks it for all meals hypoallergenic...and...i do not wish food allergies upon anyone...but...as "luck" would have it...she cannot have EXACTLY what j-bob cannot have...so i almost never have to substitute! AND...she is a true vegan at heart...BUT...due to an injury a while back she had to add meat back into her diet...WHICH...i respect as i have had to do the same for myself if i want to continue running...UNTIL...i heal my body enough to do without all things carcass.

so...tonight...i made: Vegetarian Mulligatawny

it did not disappoint...by far...one of THE BEST soups i have ever had...i am so thankful for the gluten free goddess...my entire week's menus are planned around her recipes...i will attempt to post each night...tomorrow we shall have apricot glazed meatloaf...and she just posted a vegan version...wonder if i can fool OA??

baby steps granola...baby steps!

will i ever:

run regularly?

run a marathon?

graduate from college?

stay true to the diet that is so healing to my body?

make my kiddos sleep in their own beds?

read my Bible everyday?

have the Spiritual life i have always dreamed of?

go to Africa?

africa

so, i have been slowly falling in love with Africa for around a year or so...it all started with a book about a boy soldier...and has grown intensely from there.

a dear family the Vanclan from our church has recently returned from Ethiopia with two children they have adopted...fantastic story...i am excited to see the next chapter in their lives!

she has a link on how we can help malnourished children in Africa: urgent need.

i will be honest...i have dreamed of a new pair of running shoes...some flowers for my garden...a new pair of running shoes...one gets the picture...for mother's day...but...i simply cannot justify money being spent on me...we are awful about not tithing regularly...i believe in it...but honestly, it's not a good priority in our life (does God take visa??)...a sad reflection of our spiritual immaturity...but i write this blog to be real...and right now...i feel a strong conviction to at a minimum...sacrifice my mother's day gift in honor of a tiny baby...to help be the answer to some mom's fervent prayers...that maybe...He will magnify my small sacrifice to her soul...maybe she will understand His sacrifice, too...

it is time for my family to stop being baby Christians...whatever that means...God...please, take us to another level...i want so much more...not from You...rather...for You.

ignorance vs stupidity

ok...it's been a while since i have had a "rant"...let's blame this on the antibiotics, shall we??

today, someone actually made the comment to me: oh, please tell me you aren't one of those moms...don't do that (gfcfsf diet) to your children!

i took a deep breath...put on my advocate cap...briefly explained why i do that to my children...i have gotten so good at the spiel that i don't even get angry anymore...until later...it's always hours upon hours after the comments...they wake me up...get stuck in my mind...over and over and over...until the extreme exhaustion of the day is long forgotten, and instead i find myself typing away on my pc...cleansing my brain...purging it of the rude-thoughtless comments of others...

it's been a long road...the hardest part is over: defending why i am taking milk (the beloved gift from the greedy dairy industry...america's golden white honey...for-goodness-sake-get-a-grip-people) out of my son's diet...even the "warnings" on the boxes of rice milk telling me to seek medical approval before giving my less-than-five-year-old rice milk is accusing...grandparents, husband, doctors, friends...no one immediately jumps on board the "diet-train"...

it's a huge decision that most mom's sadly make alone...clinging to the fact that...we have prayed no less than a thousand prayers for God to PLEASE help us figure out what is wrong with our child...a prayer that is answered in the strangest of ways...allergies...sensitivities...removal of coveted foods...

slowly and surely...the doubters see change...develop relationships for the first time...become believers...never acknowledging a day when they questioned...denying a day they never believed...

FINALLY...the exhausted mother...the mother who had to turn to yahoo forums for three months so that she could feel accepted SOMEWHERE...so she could gain her identity back...rally support...from strangers...finally...she has peace...not because the doubters are now iron-clad-believers...RATHER...because...if only this one time...she listened to that still small voice of God...and believed Him...over everyone else...and He honored His Promise to her...

it's been nearly two years now that we have been gfcfsf...egg free...dye free...nut/legume free...and my son is recovered enough from the autistic spectrum...anymore will be icing on the cake...gfcfsf icing of course...not only is my son's body and mind healing...he has led my daughter's unknown/undiagnosed "issues" to the land of forgotten difficulty...he has led my body to a brighter journey...i have considerably less anxiety/depression...my skin doesn't burn for "no reason"...my tummy issues...years of tummy issues are no longer present...my skin is clear...my eyes sparkle again, and the dull-hazy-exhaustion from the first three months of going gfcfsf are replaced with a vibrant glow of hope...love of running...movement...worship...health.

so when the random strangers...or even friends...or fellow church family...ignorantly decided to give their two-cents on my family's "quirky diet"...i have to take a deep breath...remember there is a difference between ignorance and stupidity (ignorance is not knowing...stupidity is deciding to speak anyway...) and remember that God put my family on this path, and i thank Him every single day...esp on the days my children (four and five years old) GLADLY turn down fistfuls of M&M candy...scoffing that they are full of "kemicals mommy"...now that's a moment i love to justify!