R.I.P. "frig-ity" the frog

deep sigh...i lost a frog...the first to grow all four legs...i fondly referred to him as: frig-ity.

i was much more distraught over this find than the kiddos.

we still have 3 tadpoles...one of which is sprouting his second set of legs...i am wondering if i should have supplied some crickets or something...which...i am not sure if i am capable of doing?

anyhow.

my darling son has had some regression issues...i have been trying to ignore them all summer. it started with this wicked rash which has grown into wicked sores...it's terrible. it has culminated with his weepiness, lack of eye contact, peripheral stemming, need of mommy as an anchor, etc. i initially thought he was just really loving me...as he started needing me to hold him more...but i have noticed that he is needing more than cuddles...he is using my arms to squeeze him (sensory input), my hands to bang.bang.bang. (more sensory input), my body as a trampoline (even more sensory input). he is hiding under covers in tears...red cheeked and splotchy faced...his eyes have dark circles. i cannot deny...my son is regressing.

just one month ago i commented: he is as recovered as he needs to be.

wrong.

the funny thing...the human body...it's fragile...and what seems like a summer of fun and innocent indulgence has led up to: regression.

but my God is big...bigger than autism. and my son is in there...and he isn't trapped...and i'll be damned if he becomes that way due to my laziness!

that being said...we start a very strict diet tomorrow. south beach stage one for the grown ups...and little to no un-necessary carbs and NO SUGAR for the kiddos...we will all be miserable for the sake of healing...but in one to two weeks...i am betting we feel better than ever!!!

oh, gotta go...the doorbell is ringing...it's the pizza delivery man!! HAHA...OA and i are having a farewell party to carbs and crappy eating!! *sheepish grinning sigh*

nothing like God fueled determination!

sorry this is a repeat if you read our running blog...

ok...first of all...i needed last night more than i realized. i love my sistah living in conway simply bc it affords more time with her beloved kiddos...but i didn't realize what a hole it has left in my running shoes/heart!!

i have begun homeschooling, and my husband works crazy hours...which has left my running and healthy eating sitting on the side of the road waving at me for several weeks.

last night sole sistah came over with the indians...our children had sooooo much fun...there was very little girl time to be had between the running sistahs...but the two mamas in us were smiling over our half-spoken-constantly-interrupted-pseudo-conversations while we soaked up our kiddos happiness via osmosis...and did i mention there was vegan gumbo??

SO...not only did i drink my 80 oz of water and eat my healthy running fuel, i also spent QT with my sole sistah...whom i have missed dearly.

this morning i woke refreshed...i wanted to go to church...but my dear hubby has worked late everday this week, and i knew that he would be incoherent for most of it...rather than be irritated by the situation...i decided to do my devotional and go for a much needed run which is usually my best time of worship anyhow! my mind told me: I WILL DO 8 MILES...IF IT KILLED ME...and then i prayed for God to bless me with the ability to accomplish this goal.

long story short...i ran (sprinting the last 1/4 mile) for 80 mins...got home...mapmyrun'd my distance...WHAT?! are you KIDDING ME?? 6.5 miles?? seriously...not even 7?? so i took a deep breath...downed some much needed water...had my kids rub me for good luck...and headed out the door to finish my 8. i felt like i was running under water...my whole body hurt...but God is good and a nice fog settled over me so that it felt like i was being gently kissed by a cloud.

i did 2 miles...i am embarrassed to say it took 26 mins...but...that's the truth...came in...re-mapped it...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? i had messed up the first time...and ended up running 8.9 miles...HAHAHA!! hooray. i had many epiphanies...i am worried this post is too long to list any...but hey...as it stands...i am currently only a feature writer on this blog of ours!

my biggest epiphany was this: forgiveness comes easier to me than trust...i have been working thru this for a while...actually...since God blessed me with my dearest sistah. our runs...led me to the heart (literally) of my "issues"...i desperately love my husband...another epiphany on a past run...but today i realized that it is God's job to tear down the walls of our heart...not ours...not our spouses...not the people in our past who hurt us...simply God's...but after He tears them down...it is our job to let Him keep us from re-building them...because just one brick a day or a week can add up pretty quickly. it's been almost 10 years of marriage for me to fully embrace the fact that my husband loves me...dearly...and he isn't going to abandon me...ever. it has taken nearly 10 years for me to realize that he loves me intensely just because i am me...and he likes me just the way i am...it's all so simple...isn't love supposed to be much more complex than that? i don't think so! just like a few simple slower steps of walking within a long run balances the muscles nicely...some more ying to the yang...life isn't meant to be a task we accomplish...rather...to be a journey we slowly enjoy. as believers...we already know the ending...so why not celebrate the middle!?

and believe it or not...marriage...love...motherhood...friendship...and running...these are all things that may be tough...but can still be thoroughly enjoyed!!

tadpoles and food cravings

today we met our home school social group at the local park. it was instantly wonderful. it ended with some of the children wading through the small creek and collecting tadpoles in my coffee mug! we borrowed my mom's aquarium that has been absent of life for several months. my hippie skirt was privy to old fish juice, creek water, tadpole sloshing, and mud...i was as much in Heaven as the kiddos! we gathered some rocks and greenery from the creek and purchased some spring water. j-bob's room is home to our latest additions. i cannot remember what the kiddos named them...but i seem to recall they were all star wars related! i am thinking we have four little tadpoles...here's to our first exciting science lab!! i am trying to follow Charlotte Mason's philosophy of education...that's for an entirely different blog post...i HIGHLY recommend anyone with children to read: For the Children's Sake. it was incredible and has given me words to the lifestyle i dream of...well...besides homesteading or mission work in africa...

anyhoo...i haven't been running...OH...and did i mention that i have two...yes...TWO...half marathons back to back in oct. GEEZ...how do i get myself into these things. if i survive those...i plan to run my first full marathon in dec. we shall see...right now i can barely pull off 3 successful miles. it is quite possibly the fact that i am eating my weight's worth of...anything starchy...sugary...junkish...my fridge is spilling over with fruits and veggies...and all i can dream of is spicy curry and delectable cheese dip...what is WRONG WITH ME!!?? i have even allowed my children to eat skittles...several times...and i do mean several...this summer. my evil friend: red40 aka "the devil"...yes...those adorable rainbow colored fruity flavored circles are gfcfsf but NOT free of dyes...sigh. i can only be so perfect. i plan to start a detox...soon. i have gone far out of control...speaking of out of control...has anyone tried the new snickers dark:
AYE AYE AYE!! how's a granola supposed to heal her body....when such temptations flirt with me at the grocery aisle checkout!?

so sorry!! massive catch up post!

ok...every night i get the kiddos settled, flip on the pc, research curriculum, and then nod off to sleep. i dream of blogging...remember how life used to be way back when autism was my only worry! HA

don't let me fool you...I AM IN HEAVEN! we started our school by choice a few weeks ago. i wanted to have it "down" before i added in my on-line classes. i will confess...i am a bit nervous about my stress level when i add in those classes! BUT...i believe God will get me through it all.

i can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family has been called to home schooling. it fits, it works, it is so much fun. i have yet to throw myself across the bed and scream into the covers...so...we shall see!! i think it's easier for us because we are a family that doesn't like...deadlines? or more like...agendas...we just like to flow with life. don't get me wrong, i am very focused on our routine and accomplishing our goals...just not forcefully!

so blah blah blah...i shall have more to post...i promise to work blogging back into my routine. it is essential as it is my only "baby book"...i secretly covet/hate all of you gifted scrappers...!

update on j-bob's diet...he has done fantastic this summer. we have back-slidden a bit the last month, and it reflects in his unwillingness to eat the new foods. though, i have phased him into "baked" chicken nuggets as opposed to "fried"! that's a huge step. i have been terrible about supplements. it's more of a money thing. denial is so wonderful. but he is doing so well that sometimes i just try to think it's not that important. lately i have been convicted that i need to get back on my biomedical bandwagon. that wagon usually leaves me with bags under my eyes and hooked up to a coffee drip as i stop sleeping from so much research. i describe it as going under and then coming up for air...i have been up for air for several months now...time to dig deep again.

speaking of coming up for air...i hope my next post will be a list of all the books that i have read this summer. it has been an amazing thing...reading for pleasure!! kindof like when your kids are older, and you finally feel pretty again (relatively speaking anyway) and have sex for pleasure (with your spouse...mind you!!) instead of "because it's the wifely thing to do!". feels so...indulgent...reading that is! i need to make a list. i have many great reads to recommend!!

i have so many running epiphanies, thoughts to share, secrets to divulge...i am making breakthroughs from my past...i guess one could say this last month has been truly revealing...i am very excited about what God has for my present. i hope that i have the courage to share it all with you...my dearest blog readers. this blog saw me through one of the toughest...loneliest times of my life...i hope that i can be as dedicated and open as i step into a new phase. the phase of hope and trust. we shall see....we shall see.

true thoughts of a person who hasn't run in forever!

just a few thoughts that actually passed my thru my mind on my run today...i will warn all...i am with hormones!

i started my run cursing myself for forgetting to buy tampons at three different stores yesterday...prayed that what i had would suffice...or i was going to be like that chic who won the marathon and started her period half way through...which...i must say...ROCKS...!

then my thoughts went to a dear friend who has likened me to a drug...she says that i make people feel better...and tonight i figured i was more like a black hole...ready to suck the life out of anyone who got near.

then i realized that having such a "gregarious" personality can be...exhausting...and dang it...who is my drug???

then i imagined a married couple driving by me and the wife saying, "dear, isn't that the girl we see running all of the time?" his reply, "why, yes, yes it is!" she says, "darling, isn't she getting...ummm...FATTER!?" and he nods his head in dismay and agrees.

then i thought of sistah...i cursed her for being so freaking healthy...always eating properly (i have inhaled candy bars and msg chips this week...my goodness...bad eating is so tasty)...i dreamed of throwing my shoe at her 7 mile running arse and then running over her with her bike...i was laughing in my head at this point...as we all know i love her dearly...but DANG...she was making me feel inadequate...then i felt God tap me on the shoulder and say: she'd probably give anything to throw one of your kids at you and then run over you with your hot sexy husband...(bitter divorce and has to split time with kiddos up in weeks) so i quickly apologized to sistah and God and said a prayer for her instead.

then my thoughts started looking up...half way through the run...i realized...i am ENJOYING this again!! not only was i enjoying it...i was actually running faster...away from negative thought girl...towards...happy again...drug induced feeling girl...i like being people's drug. it's a gift that God has given me...but when i feel really empty...i need to learn to ask to be filled back up...and only expect God to be the one to do so.

and then i thought of the jones's...how sad i was for those trying to keep up with them...how the jones's really just needed to downsize their house...get rid of half the sheee-crap they own...and just try to keep up with me!

because at the end of this run...all i can do is think of my precious son and the way he dances to the last song on my playlist: that's not my name.

and as i sprinted up the pseudo-hill near my house, i thanked God for the times that i can run...and the friend's and family that i am surrounded with...and the fact that i need to focus on each blessing that i have been given and stop worrying that i am probably the slowest runner in the world...who secretly loves to eat junk food...who has to remain a closet vegan that eats meat with her family everyday.

but mostly that at the end of every run...it is the closest i feel to God...and that...is all i need.