Confessions of a bad home schooling Mama and even worse Granola

As I type, I pause to spoon (and not a clean adult-spoon in sight...so a plastic (gasp) toddler spoon it is) bites of Java Chip Ice-cream into my mouth.

This week alone I have ingested:  candy bars, coffee (real cow's milk and sugar), ice cream, chips, pizza (yes, I am gluten and dairy intolerant...and yes, I will spare you the toilet drama from said diet), etc.

One gets the picture.  I preach clean living, clean diets, exercise.  I believe it with my whole heart.  But in case you have failed to notice, I am EPICALLY IMPERFECT.

And let's discuss my failure as a Charlotte Mason homeschooling Mama, shall we????  Are you sitting down?  Bracing yourselves?  My.kids.are.doing.all.their.school.online.  My heroine probably just rolled over in her grave.  I am paying a monthly salary to an on-line learning site and letting them learn from what many would consider twaddle or entertainment (I won't use this post to expose the fact that my son LOVES this style...and...gasp of gasps...is LEARNING...).  And my electronics for half an hour a day and go spend quality time in nature???  PSSSHHHHAAAWWWW.

Don't get me wrong.  We do our chores.  We get our school completed (most days).  We just have about 2,222 other things to accomplish in a mere 24 hour period.  Today, I re-heated my coffee no less than six times.  SIX TIMES.  and still didn't finish it.  But this post tonight isn't about how horrible of a failure I feel like.

This post is an even greater confession:


My heart is so heavy, some days, if it weren't for all I had to do in and through Him...I would lie down and never get back up.

I have wanted a baby since I was a little girl.  Dreamed of the day I would become a Mom.  Tonight my insanely amazing 8 year old Mermaid jumped into my arms and wrapped herself around me and whispered:  I hope I am never too big to do this.  I buried my face into her neck and wished the same thing.

I'm stuck in a whirlwind of transitions.  I usually thrive in chaos...but...not this time. 

I have two moving out soon...and I don't have time to grieve. 

I have one moving back in soon...and I don't have time to prepare or rest. 

I have three who depend on me daily...and I don't have the heart to fall apart in front of them. 

I have friends with good intentions and lots of words and oh.my.Bible.verses....and I don't have the strength to tell them that they are drowning me with their unintentional judgement. 

I have Christians telling me it's "just Spiritual" (isn't it all????)...and I don't have the energy to tell them I've prayed more for my "one" than I dare admit...much less...suggest to them that I remove all love, hope, and control from them the first 8 years of their lives only to send them somewhere to be abused...then tell them all they need to do is "pray".  I gag on THAT kind of Christianity.  Shame on you if you're one of those.  Stop it.  Now.  Please, in the name of Jesus...stop.

I've spent the last two weeks driving to a hospital and staying the night on a unit with 9 children with various maladaptive behaviors.  Oddly, I feel the closest to God on that unit.  Cussing, spitting, attacking, tables and chair throwing, yelling, screaming (all hours of the night), and not one single child on that unit has an ounce of social skills.  They are all broken in one way or another.  They all have family members desperately seeking answers.  Helpless, broken as well.  But we all share one common thread:  transparency.  You can't hide your crazy on that unit.  And no one judges you.  It's a safe place for kids with issues (and the parents of said kids) to just be...kids.  There's one boy, besides my own in particular, that I have grown very fond of.  He practically body slams me with a hug and squeezes me tighter than any of the children in my home have ever squeezed.  I will miss him.  Deeply.  And he may never know the joy he brought to me in such a hard place of my life.  This broken-socially-ill-equipped young man.

I'm not mad at God (though I have begged for a baby...was brought one...and now am having to rip myself from her life).  I try to be mad at Him.  But in all honesty, I simply cannot be angry.  He is so very good.  Despite the pain of all this letting go and holding on and so on and so forth.  And He loves me even when I'm a bad granola (sometimes I don't even recycle).  He loves me even though I am teaching my children at home via the internet (disclaimer...I don't think this is a bad form of education...it simply goes against my typical hippie ways...but I don't believe in matching either...so who cares what I think, really!!).  He loves me even though I wanted Him to let this cup pass by and not adopt the child who brings such chaos.  He loves me even though I cry bitter tears over a baby that I have fallen so deeply in love with...I am quite sure...we will always have a connection.  He loves me enough to give me a love so fierce and so strong for my "one"...the broken, chaotic one...that I wouldn't trade all the newborn baby smells, gurgly noises, and across my chest toddler naps...for him.  I want him.  And I want Him. 

And when it's all said and done...I want my life...to be poured out...as a fragrant (though, I don't shower nearly as much as I should)...offering to the one who can Redeem and Restore.

So I'm an epic failure...but He's an epic failure lover.  And on that...I rest all my hopes and pain.

Here's my sign??

So, I must have a sign that is behind my back that others can read that I cannot see.  My entire life I have seemed to invite everyone's comments and thoughts and opinions into my world.  I do love people.  I do value differences.  I do struggle with boundaries and learning where and when and how to draw them.

It's been festering in me for a few years now, because I am learning that there is nothing "Godly" about me allowing people to sin against me and then causing me to sin against them in my anger and bitterness and resentment.  Now that I have 4 children to fight for Spiritually, mentally, physically, and educationally, etc...ly, I have not the time nor the energy to entertain or invite rude, even if well-intentioned, comments.


Us weirdos must stick together...in the name of Jesus.  Living IN the world but not OF the world gets exhausting.  It hurts to feel so weird all the time.  I even start to think I am wrong and feel my standards mentally slip until my Spirit snaps me back into focus. 

So here are my boundaries about some things that keep coming up causing me to be literally red in the cheeks hours later.  I am actually not even speaking this as much for me, as I am for the precious person(s) who may lack the INCREDIBLE support Soul-sisters that I have and is crying and feeling isolated and alone. 

Something I will never apologize or intentionally compromise on is living a life based on what God has called ME (aka MY values are not a judgement of YOUR values) to do.

My biological children have not suffered in vain through this process, rather they are learning what it TRULY looks and feels like (painful sometimes) to pick up the cross and follow Him.

Likewise, I will not pity my adopted children to the point of compromise.  They will survive being raised by a Mama who loves the Lord with all her heart, all her mind, and all her soul.  It will NOT kill them to be welcomed into a family who home schools, doesn't want their teenagers to have i-phones, and doesn't cater to material possessions ESP when that "idol" becomes more important than people (and you can be this way without wearing Mom-jeans and puff painted sweatshirts)...and being orphans of the state most their lives they have probably never had any one take the time to teach that GODLY value.

I truly appreciate all who have expressed concerns to any and all of the above in the last several months.  BUT, I'll raise my children the way God has called me.  It is tiring enough worrying about my own.  I have no idea how people find the time to "worry" about anyone else's...and if you have such vast amounts of time...there are millions of children without families in this world who would love to fill it!

just in case you were wondering:

• almond milk, agave nectar, and coffee have to be the welcoming drink at Heaven's gates...

• even meat eaters should only get about 7 to 9 oz of their protein from actual meat...

• kids enjoy cleaning with their mama...beside them enjoying it, too...and music makes it even more fun!

• i have a big pot of assorted soup beans simmering on the stove...makes me feel like a "real grown up"...

• on my night stand right now: scandalous freedom (highly recommend this book...not for the faint of heart...i'd say it's very much for those who struggle with legalism...but it's just as much for those who struggle with legalists), nutrition book for class, marathon book, running and fitness book, stitch 'n bitch (i have been dying for this book and the library finally had it on the shelf...it's a fun approach to knitting), and 101 designer one skein wonders (because when you are poor...you must learn to do more with less...one skein for the non-knitting readers...is basically one ball of yarn), oh and of course the ever present Charlotte Mason Companion (this is an amazing book for anyone who home schools...but especially for those of us doing the CM method).

• we dab lavender essential oil under mermaid's nose to calm her and to help her "nose work"...it's one of the first things she asks for in the morning and last thing she requests at night.

• i am shamefully addicted to spin class...i think about it way more than any normal person should...but we all know...i am far from normal!!

tadpoles and food cravings

today we met our home school social group at the local park. it was instantly wonderful. it ended with some of the children wading through the small creek and collecting tadpoles in my coffee mug! we borrowed my mom's aquarium that has been absent of life for several months. my hippie skirt was privy to old fish juice, creek water, tadpole sloshing, and mud...i was as much in Heaven as the kiddos! we gathered some rocks and greenery from the creek and purchased some spring water. j-bob's room is home to our latest additions. i cannot remember what the kiddos named them...but i seem to recall they were all star wars related! i am thinking we have four little tadpoles...here's to our first exciting science lab!! i am trying to follow Charlotte Mason's philosophy of education...that's for an entirely different blog post...i HIGHLY recommend anyone with children to read: For the Children's Sake. it was incredible and has given me words to the lifestyle i dream of...well...besides homesteading or mission work in africa...

anyhoo...i haven't been running...OH...and did i mention that i have two...yes...TWO...half marathons back to back in oct. GEEZ...how do i get myself into these things. if i survive those...i plan to run my first full marathon in dec. we shall see...right now i can barely pull off 3 successful miles. it is quite possibly the fact that i am eating my weight's worth of...anything starchy...sugary...junkish...my fridge is spilling over with fruits and veggies...and all i can dream of is spicy curry and delectable cheese dip...what is WRONG WITH ME!!?? i have even allowed my children to eat skittles...several times...and i do mean several...this summer. my evil friend: red40 aka "the devil"...yes...those adorable rainbow colored fruity flavored circles are gfcfsf but NOT free of dyes...sigh. i can only be so perfect. i plan to start a detox...soon. i have gone far out of control...speaking of out of control...has anyone tried the new snickers dark:
AYE AYE AYE!! how's a granola supposed to heal her body....when such temptations flirt with me at the grocery aisle checkout!?

have i told all but my dear blog readers???

ummm...NO...i am not pregnant!!

BUT...OA has agreed to let me home school for a trial year. it is something i have dreamed of since before j-bob was born. the desire comes and goes. last year i felt i "had to" because of j-man's issues (but God said NO)...but this year...i simply "get to" bc...that little boy is as recovered as he needs to be...

i am not going to stop helping him along, and i will never stop researching.

BUT...i am satisfied. i love his quirkiness. i only pray God honors the quirky behavior, exceptionally innocent heart, and protects him from evil people.

so back to home schooling (HS)...i felt God tugging again...i began praying...enlisted all of my HS praying moms...and way before i ever expected...OA agreed!!!???

i am going to change my major and finish my degree online in Health Science Education and Promotion. quite fitting actually...only irritated that i did not change it sooner...my major change request sheet is rather embarrassing...but this just feels right. i have invested too much time and money not to finish...and am trusting in God that i will be able to use it, without having to stop homeschooling!!

we have had a rockin summer! it's already flying by too fast. i am reading some books about charlotte mason...if you have never read about her...do so...even if you don't teach or home school...specifically i am reading: For The Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay.

that's about it for now...too much to read...but you can now expect this to be a site of biomedical, gardening, gfcfsf...etc etc free, running, AND home schooling!!!!!

day 8...magical day

oh where do i begin?? the other night i decided: enough...

so i picked up a women of faith study guide that has been collecting dust for 3 years now...living a life of balance...something i crave...tired of simply craving and ready to put into action...didn't you guys know...june is the new january as far as resolutions...at least in this house.

food:

• the best smoothie: half hemp/half vanilla rice/frozen banana/few frozen peach slices/splash of agave nectar/dab of cinnamon. it was DELICIOUS...even the OA ate some!!
• leftover chicken enchilladas...again...GFgoddess never fails me! some fruit and carrot sticks.
• dinner consisted of grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and homemade french fries (sweet and regular)
• onto another smoothie for my snack...i am sure there are SEVERAL handfuls of stripey chips shoved here and there...but you know...a girls gotta live...and those chips...well...they are this home's comfort food!

exercise:

• i ran a run tonight that kicked my bum so hard...i had to muster all the fight within myself and kick it's bum right back...it ended in a draw...sadly...it took me 49 mins to run/walk 4 miles but i realized as i had visions of how i could safely maneuver my body into a position that would allow me to drink my own bum sweat...(i was THAT thirsty!!)...that i had seriously not hydrated myself and then proceeded to run a hilly route in some serious heat...ahh...it was terribly wonderful!

Spiritual:

• as mentioned...i have started a study guide...i hope it is as good as i know it will be...already putting my heart in the right place...in His Word.
• we started our first "home school" day today...it began with a family devotional...the best part was listening to the kiddos and seeing how that one family devotional can play itself out throughout the day...constantly turning our minds/hearts to God in little ways...i loved it...

Family:

• as earlier stated we started our first home school day today. it went so well. mermaid actually read a book to me...i have a feeling she will be reading by the end of this summer. j-bob's reading seems to have lost some "umph" since the last 3 weeks of school were pretty much a joke...no fault of the teacher...just a million things squeezed into the last month of school...anyhow...i am focusing on that...the kiddos did more than i expected...and the best part is that it was all pretty laid back/satisfying!
• we ended the evening with reading poems from my favorite children's author: shel silverstein. oh the memories...and they wouldn't let me stop...dear God...please give my children a love for words...and stories...and books...and dare i ask...poetry...sigh

i am thankful for the bit of balance my life had today. it's all about what we put into our hearts, minds, and bodies...we focus so much on reading our Bible, reading our Bible, reading our Bible...which is EXTREMELY important...but if all of that reading is going without any application...just shut the Bible and allow it to collect dust...because knowledge without action is like death to the soul.

day 4...sickly

so the eating part is easy: watermelon, handfuls of stripey chips, ummmmm...a couple of left over potatoes and a few bites of roast...lots of fluids...and now i am forcing a hemp, black cherry, emergen-C, OJ smoothie...

yeppers...i've finally caught the fever that my little ones have so lovingly shared with their mama!

so i didn't run today, but i did completely clean and reorganized the kiddos room. they requested that i move their furniture around (prob bc i do it so often-great therapy for j-bob!!). we got rid of many many toys. i am big on down-sizing. no room for "stuff". i hate it...i have gotten pretty good at only keeping the necessities. every 3 months i go through this "nesting" and get rid of more things. poor OA. last week i re-did the living room and moved our room around. it's my thing...my thing i do...have done...will always do...i think it lends itself to my moving no less than 20 times in the same city before i was 20!

so today i am eating very little, drinking much, and not doing any exercise.

i plan on homeschooling the kiddos through the summer...yes, i'm back on that again. i will remind everyone...it's a dream i have dreamed since j-bob was in utero...but i am so scared to pull j-man from the very place he has bloomed...i mean...BLOOMED. so we shall give it a go this summer...mainly bc his teacher suggested we keep up a tight schedule and not rest on his reading and hand writing. she doesn't want him to lose ground. i love her. she has rocked our lives...sigh. oh...and the other dream i have dreamed is finishing school...deeper sigh...so what's a granola mama to do when her dreams collide? i rest on my husband...but i think dear OA is ready for some financial assistance...peace...get ahead. i owe that to him...we have scraped for the last 6 years...in my defense...i worked...and i mean WORKED...until we came to AR...i brought the j-bob to work then opened my own home daycare when mermaid was 3 weeks old...that's an entirely different blog topic...let's just say...i don't remember much of mermaid's birth until last year!

tomorrow...i run with my sistah...fever or no fever!