pregnancy test

so i bought a pregnancy test last night.

"aren't your tubes tied?" you ask.

"they are," i reply.

but i have had some crazy weird symptoms, and i just knew i was the 1% whom God had chosen to give another "unasked" for child.

and then i started day dreaming, remembering how i loved the middle parts of pregnancy, how i loved even more the early-morning-middle-of-the-night-feedings...their little clothes...precious baby books...sigh...i began to find myself yearning to be pregnant. dreaming of how i would do it all right this time in the way of foods, vaccinations, exercise, chemicals, etc.

i flew through wal-mart with my bean dip, stripey chips, rice milk, gummy bears, and pregnancy test. did you know that there were tests that literally say: pregnant or not pregnant in the circle? gone are the wait...what does that line mean?...are you sure that's what that line means?...HOLY CRAP...that line means we are pregnant.

well...mine said: NOT PREGNANT.

and i started crying...hard. OA came home and could read my face from the back of my head...i have to say...that man is amazing.

he had no idea what i had done...i was too embarrassed to tell him that i thought i was actually THE 1% that could get pregnant...humiliated that i believed i had a miracle inside. but with one more insistent pressure to tell him what was wrong...i broke down.

i just want a baby...i have every single symptom of pregnancy...symptoms my pregnancies which is just torture...why on earth did a doctor agree to preform a tubal on a mother with had a high maintenance toddler and difficult second pregnancy!!?? why didn't i listen to those who warned me? (OH, because i had said high maintenance toddler, and it had almost been 2 years at that point since i had slept through the night).

sigh. i do want a baby...but i think the depper issue at hand is that my babies are incredible-God-loving-good-manners-using-life-enhancing-bundles-of-joy. except they aren't little bundles anymore. they are more like big packages. i mean mermaid announced she was sleeping in her own room the other night...(she usually sleeps in j-bob's room on the bottom bunk). that is huge. she, whom has been permanently attached to my extremities for almost five years now, is un-attaching herself.

i am so proud of both of them...i am raising them to be independent successful big people some day...but...MAN IT'S HARD.

so were last night's tears because i can't have another baby or because i just want my precious babies back?

just one more night...i would love to go back in time and tell that worn down mom that she was doing a fantastic job, that her life would have answers and amazing happiness just around the corner, thank her for holding on to her marriage, thank her for never giving up on looking for answers, thank her for her willingness to sacrifice so much of whom she was during that endlessly short period of time.

i would have her go get some much-needed-perspective-changing-sleep while i, old mom-mom with wisdom, cradled my babies one more time...taking the time to memorize their smell...their precious face...their sounds of breastfeeding...breathing in the miracle of infancy...inhaling all the Beauty and Grace which God has blessed me.

bug man

why did i not discover sewing sooner? it seems my most favorite things i have found in my 30's: running, knitting, sewing, and gardening.

my hopes are that in ten years (or less) we will be able to homestead. even OA has agreed. i can just see our family happily pedaling for electricity and living off of the fat of the land...gfcfsf land...that is!

today j-bob finished reading his first Bible. we began reading it daily when school started. i am so incredibly blessed...as is mermaid...as she and i were the recipients of his reading!

i find myself questioning if i am doing enough, as more and more i realize i am very laid back in so many areas.

the other day the bug man showed up for a yearly inspection. he just rang the doorbell and asked if it was a good time...good time as any...i was reading a chapter book to the kiddos on the couch...it only dawned on me several minutes into my chapter...HE IS LOOKING EVERYWHERE! they look in closets, behind doors, inside cabinets...when's the last time i swept behind the door of my bathroom?? and didn't i let the kiddos fold AND put the towels away??

aye aye aye

well...what do i care? my momentary freak out session only lasted about a page...it was such a good book, he refused to interrupt us until after the chapter was finished. i realized he thought more of our family time than he did of our lack of perfection. it was nice...the inspection.

moral of the story: be kind to your bug man...he sees it ALL! oh, and don't refold or reorganize the closet after your kiddos fold and put away the towels...every time you open the door and one fall right into your arms...you'll just have to smile!

randomness

man...i am so behind in pictures...our camera is on the blitz...oh, if money grew on trees...or if God didn't call me to home school and we actually had what some refer to as: spending money!?

don't worry; i would not trade the time i have with my kiddos for all the spending money in the world...so please forgive my lack of cute pictures! i'll just have to make up for them with charm and wit! oops...well...i hope you just love me for me!

had to share a couple things:

mermaid: favorite books to carry to bed are her assortment of Bibles...every night she falls asleep with an open Bible in her lap...beautiful.

j-bob: has finally fallen in love with reading. he is reading everything. his favorites right now are curious george, froggy books, and this early reader series about a granpa telling anti-itch stories to his grand pup who has chicken pox.

family: OA bought Uno Attack, and we are having the best times playing this card game...even mermaid does well. i am quite sure we have played no less than 100 times since yesterday afternoon.

misc: my mom had the kiddos for an errand yesterday morning...she called to say they had done a U-turn to go to the pumpkin patch and would be a few minutes later than expected. the kiddos got to literally pick their own pumpkins off the stem...as i hung up the phone i realized how blessed i am to have a mom who is willing to pause her busy day to do a U-turn for a memory for her gi-babies. (and how much more blessed are my kiddos!)

God is good...i am drinking in this time of my life...i am quite sure it cannot get any better. my children are blossoming, and it is quite amazing observing their relationship with a real and living God unfold.

i am quite sure that OA is secretly, and not so secretly falling in love with our way of life. though it is different from most and financially uncomfortable...it is eternally blessed!

Reflections...redemption

This season of my life has included allot of reflection. It's rather odd how God uses your past to move you in your future. A word has finally taken hold of meaning...tangible meaning...in my heart: redeemed. I have always understood forgiveness and sanctification, but I am quite sure that until now I have never truly understood redemption. I guess I have always limited it...I have never struggled with God's Grace in redemption of my sin...but it never seemed to dawn on me that God can redeem more than my sin...He can redeem the sins of others that have scarred me. And by redeem I don't mean...just use for the good...I mean...REDEEM...only God's Grace and Mercy can make painful events of my past seem insignificant in light of the incredible blessings and gifts He has given me.

As I sit on my couch in front of a fire feeling exhausted from the week's demands, I sip my decaf green tea with raspberry emergen-C, and pray I am not getting sick. I feel so incredibly exhausted. Which brings me back to reflection.

By nature I do allot of reflecting, but this season of my life has been nothing much but. To prepare for my speech, I went back to the beginning of my blog entries. Oh how quickly I forget the days of anguishing over trying to figure out what's wrong with my child, to fighting and then receiving a diagnosis, to spending countless hours on the internet researching, and to only feeling connection with strangers on Yahoo forums. The diet, the supplements, the therapies, the entire year of kindergarten in public school and then Mermaid...the six months of complete hell watching her behavior escalate into a terrible frenzy spiraling out of control. And where did that leave my marriage? Lonely, isolated, bitter, exhausted, and on the back burner of priorities. We had children to fight for...who had time to fight for a marriage, too.

And where did that leave God? I think we were all clinging to Him separately...and it all finally fell back into place when I started reflecting on my past...my intimacy issues...which was kind of forced upon me by a cross-roads of sort in my marriage. Again...God's redemption...so incredible. We both decided from that day forward to bring God back into our marriage...FULLY. And once that decision had been made...God began to take me to places of reflection that I didn't think I ever needed to go...dangerous places...places my heart buried deep within. I have a story...don't we all...and some day...maybe I will share it...but for now...I simply sit...in total awe at His ability to redeem abandonment, abuse, and years of bad choices due to both.

I have lived so much of my life in fear and trembling...and for many years...for due reason...but as an adult...I still find myself looking over my shoulder...but I think I am finally moving past that. Into a new season...a season of trust...a season of redemption. If God can redeem my sins, all the more power He holds to redeem my heart.

Please Pray

dum Dum DUM

Tomorrow I will be speaking as a parent's testimonial for a Sensory Processing Disorder Awareness conference. I am petrified as public speaking is not my forte. Just asking for all my faithful blog readers and dear friends to remember me around 2 pm tomorrow.

Big sigh...it is quite remarkable when you given the opportunity to be stretched and at the same time be used to be the hands and feet of God.

I so desperately need to update. My life is so full and so wonderful. I had to go back to my first blog entries to prepare for my "speech", and it was incredibly humbling for me to see how far God has brought my sweet little family.

I will try to post some pics from tomorrow if we get some! Thanks in advance for the prayers!!