Jericho

One of my most favorite Bible guys is Joshua.  I think I have always cherished his bravery and courage and all the awesome words af such used with him: 
    
     Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
     for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

I love that when he went to spy out the Israelites' new land, he and Caleb were the ONLY two not terrified of the "giants" and tried to convince the others to not be afraid and to trust in their LORD--- the very LORD who parted the Red Sea and did so many other great miracles for them on a near daily basis.  It comes as no surprise me that he was the one God chose to have the Israelites walk around the whole city of Jericho 13 times. 

Last night we visited what I hope will be our new church family (we have been searching for such for 7 years).  With upcoming adoption of not one, but two children and not babies, but a teenager and a child in between my bio-children's ages, I have never been more certain in all my life that we need a like-minded body of believers to run to for accountability, edification, and prayer through this next season.  Just preparing these last few months with all the paperwork upon paperwork upon paperwork and readying our home (a major overhaul...I will have to post some before, during, after shots) for the what-seems-will-never-come-home-study (the watched pot never boils, right?) has brought me to worn-down places that only my children's toddler hoods and Autism have ever brought me...which...seems fitting because aren't the rough parts of pregnancy foreshadowing of the never-dreamed-of rough parts of parenthood that no amount of love, patience, books, and advice can prepare?

CHURCH...oh yeah...the guest speaker spoke of the destruction of Jericho and brought up MANY great points but the part that resonated with my soul and caused those rebellious tears to fall was his point on how if the Israelites would have thought, "we've done this for x amount of days now or x amount of circles now and nothing has happened...I'm not doing it anymore," then the walls (bc God gave them SPECIFIC instructions) would NOT have fallen down.  Let that sit with you for a moment.  When we disobey or give up after He has clearly given us an instruction...walls don't fall.  God can use someone (or something) else, clearly, but I don't ever want to miss out on what He has for those given walls on that given day.

I feel like I am marching around a city with my husband and two biological children that holds one room with my two heart children hidden inside.  A city that is about to be destroyed.  I'm sure the Israelites were focused on God's decree and that Jericho was their promised land, but they, at least some, had to also be focused on the promise they had made to Rahab about not harming anyone in her home lest their blood be on God's chosen people.  I am clinging to the time after time after time of God's incredible undeserved Grace being revealed in His word and through His promises.  I am quite sure had I been marching around that city, I'd have been chanting in my mind:  You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring these walls down, You parted...over and over and over again...just as I am today: You parted the Red Sea;You can bring my children to me faster than our broken state's department system allows...You parted the Red Sea; You can bring my children to me  faster than stacked paperwork or misplaced finger prints, or unhappy, unsaved.....one gets the idea.

So I try my best to not watch the pot.  And despite the fact that I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to have these two children whose lives have already been knitted into our own, in my arms and under my protective care, I am continue to march on and constantly surrender the need to know what the next step will bring and chanting my mantra to Him..over and over and over.

All of this has painted such a beautiful picture of His adoption of us in my mind.  These children have no idea we exist.  They have no idea how hard we are already fighting for them on our knees and with our patience, our endurance, and our love for those who are proving difficult to love...people (and a system) they have had to be subjected to most of their lives.  They have no idea the hours I have spent researching different avenues for their future and how much sleep we've lost readying this home for their arrival...an arrival we anticipate with such tender joy and excitement.  An arrival they may fight, fear, or try to flee.  Oh how I do this to our Lord and Saviour.  He prepared the way before me (all of us)...before I ever even existed.  Why did it take so long for me to accept (not fear) His love?  How can I question a Love so Pure, so Sacrificial? 

May every time my children seek to reject me despite all I have and will always do for them be a gentle reminder of all the ways I have rejected Him despite all He has and will always do for me.  May it give me a Grace that is reflective of all the Grace I have been given.  May I continue to lay down my life and my needs (especially for control) in an act of blood-stained-sacrifice that pales in comparison to His blood-stained-sacrifice for me...for all of us.

May I always be strong and courageous, be not afraid,  and not become discouraged.  May I always focus my heart firmly on the promise that LORD my God will be with me wherever I go and may that be all the control I ever need to have til the day I stand (rather fall on my face) before Him.

 

God is moving...

One night long before we went to training, MY HUSBAND (the man who said we'd NEVER adopt...yeah...that one) prayed that God would soften our hearts toward His Complete Will, even if that meant adopting an older child. 

I have to be completely honest.  I dreamed of cloth diapering, wooden nesting blocks, making my own baby food, and enjoying all of the precious moments of infancy and toddler hood that autism robbed from my family.  I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to throw my arms around this man's neck or strangle him.  He just opened THAT door...a door I had my foot lightly in front of...because...I wanted a baby.

Several weeks later during our 30 hour state training, that same man, MY HUSBAND (yes, still same the man who said we'd NEVER adopt) was whispering in my ear that he was thinking we needed to consider adopting kids aged 6-11.  I nodded my head in agreement and at the same time picked my jaw up off the floor and figured maybe he was actually SERIOUS about this??? 

At one point during above mentioned training in reference to a sibling group, I literally blurted out:  oh my goodness, please just give those precious babies to me?!?!?!  The trainer held my gaze for a moment, but I had a million reasons (fears/arguments/etc) why we couldn't actually adopt those specific kiddos.  The eldest child's age for one did not fit neatly into my Hero's 6-11 category...and a female???

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I have learned:  don't ask God to lead and then try to tell Him where that destination should be.  And can I just tell you how beautiful it is to walk in obedience behind Him?  All those fears that crippled us in the beginning have just melted away.  I can barely breathe with how much love I have for children I have never met and know almost nothing about.  It's so much like pregnancy...God starts them out as a tiny seed and they grow and grow and time, love, patience, and faith allows all that naturally follows to manifest into a beautiful relationship between parents and children.  They are born of His love spilling into our lives and the overflow from all that He is beckons us to so much more than we could ever hope for or imagine for ourselves.

My prayer is that in time (note all the waiting I have been lamenting...it's a never ending wait...adoption pregnancies) we will be introducing the newest members of our family.  I have no answers right now just faith, love, hope, a whole lot of thankfulness, and a stack of s-l-o-w-l-y learned patience.

 

Waiting

I'm knee deep in adoption books.  Reading about the "trials" of adopting an older child leave my mind spinning.  The OA and I looked at each other in the middle of our 30 hour training and literally thanked God for autism.  I cannot imagine a better boot camp for laying aside all parental expectations and living each moment both good and bad to it's fullest knowing that life is but a series of moments and as fast as one comes on it is soon to be replaced with another.

Since OA and I have decided to adopt, I have stress fractured my foot causing me to be still for over 6 weeks and then to take things VERY slowly as I regain my foot's strength, and I am now under the influence of 3 prescriptions for a wicked kidney infection that has stalled all of my plans to ready my home while I continue to wait for news or at least a call saying our Home Study can be scheduled.  I cannot decide if Satan is trying to bind that which God has planned for good OR if God is trying to bind my incessant need to know what's next and teach me once again to wait for His perfect timing.

And the series of moments continues.

How on earth do I sit still and wait patiently for children who have been waiting for only God knows how long to simply have a forever family?? 

With every second of the clock that ticks away, I feel like it's one more second that has gone by that I haven't been able to let them know that they are so loved and so desired and so being fought for (even if it is "only" on my knees through prayer).  That they have a Dad, a Mom, a brother, and a sister who cannot wait to share their lives and that from this day forward they will never ever have to do this life and it's endless series of moments alone again.  EVER.

I can't wait for them to build trust in us so that we can subsequently introduce them to their Real and Living Father...may they be able to see Him for who He really is...a God who promises GOOD even to THEM.  

So with every single ticking moment I surrender all my hope, fear, frustrations, and impatience to He who also promises to restore all that the locusts have devoured.  I know that my wait, the kind I can only do flat on my face, is not in vain because He is busy fighting the battles for our family.

How can my heart be so committed to something that it has never met or even knows about??

My only explanation is:  FAITH.  And my oh my have I learned so much about His Heart for His Children in this time of wait.

Sigh

This week's menu

So often I get asked:  so, what CAN you guys eat????  Today, I will attempt to give a snapshot of what our week's menu looks like. 

We are embarking on new territory:  a budget (beyond paper and in real practice).  An area that I can greatly contribute financially is in the grocery department.  Yes, healthy food is "expensive" if you compare it to a box of generic Mac & Cheese, but if you compare the nutrient density to the price (how much you are actually paying in regards to ACTUAL nutrients per calorie and not just fillers and/or empty..as in ZERO nutritional content...calories) you will find that healthy food is actually VERY affordable.  Since changing my family's diet four years ago, we have gone from seeing our family doctor monthly to annually, and truly several of those visits have only been for our "well child" updates.  Factor in co-payments and medication and all the other added expenses to being sick and it's easy to ascertain that eating healthy is one of the biggest bangs for one's bucks available.

I tend to gravitate towards favorite blogs of the moment.  Most of my meals this week revolve around one blog.  I am in love and adore the flexibility and flavor her recipes offer:  Against All Grain .

"cheese" chips...J ate about 8 of these!

Monday:  crock-pot-mexican-chicken-soup-with-cheddar-cheese-chips (I used Daiya's Pepper jack cheese shreds and they worked beautifully), black beans, and Spanish cauliflower "rice" (wasn't a huge fan)

Tuesday:  chili-lime-chicken-burgers (I am subbing turkey as that's what we have), corn on the cob, and leftover black beans

Wednesday:  Meatloaf, sweet potato french fries, and "fried" squash  (my own concoctions)

NOTE:  I am trying a very NEW recipe for Thursday and always try to ensure that I have a suitable "leftover" for J-Bob in case it's too much for his sensory issues.  We have come a long way and he will have to try at least 8 bites of our *new* thing, but it isn't enough to fill him up completely...babysteps...so proud of how far he's come!

Thursday:  chile-verde-chicken-enchiladas-scd-primal (this is my Hero's first day off in 7!!  Tonight will be a fun feast), more black beans, and a big green salad and probably a dessert of some sort.

Friday:  battered-gluten-free-chicken-strips (note this is a different blog...LOVE her, too), green beans, and another big green salad

NOTE:  I try to make sure I sandwich a very new recipe with two tried and true recipes so as not to create any unnecessary anxiety around dinner.  No reason to come this far only to be counter-productive.

Saturday:  Grill, grill, grill.  I HEART the grill.  I try to pile up plenty of meat and veggies for us to snack on, and on the weekends the kids each get to get a bag of chips of choice.

Sunday:  honestly, I am too fickle to plan THIS far. 

I usually try to hit Kroger's manager specials during J-bob's therapy to find Organic and/or humanely raised meat on sale.  If you notice, I am trying to have a type of bean several times a week in an effort to desensitize my family to the texture so that maybe in a few  years we can have several meatless days.  I am not against eating meat; we have come to appreciate all the nutrients it provides our hypoallergenic bodies.  I am against factory farming and the over-indulgent-over-consumption of meat...and I'm on a strict budget...which means this family better learn to like some beans, baby.  I wish I could mesh the awareness of Vegans with the awareness of the Paleo community in an effort to show that healthy diets lifestyles MUST involve fruits and veggies and unprocessed foods...the rest is just personal needs and preferences.

I keep our breakfast super easy.  I have found a Gluten-free bread, Rudi's, that is very good and reasonably priced.  The kiddos have a piece of toast and a glass of Bolthouse Farm's Green juice. 

I have a cup of coffee with a splash of So Delicious Coconut Creamer (french vanilla) and a banana.

We snack on fruit, almonds & raisins, and chocolate almond milk unless J-man has his chips still and then he enjoys chips and hummus (we add chili powder and cumin to make it taste more cheese dip-ish).  I also make smoothies and Popsicles and have organic suckers on hand. 

Our lunch is usually leftovers or a spinach salad with baby carrots, celery, and sweet potato french fries or a grilled "cheese" sandwich for the kids (we try to keep lunch veggie focused in an effort to get enough in our daily diet). 

Mermaid and I gladly ate this again for lunch!

I get a lot of personal emails and FB requests about how/where to start and what to eat; I hope this little snapshot into our week's menu has helped.  I try to remind everyone that it all starts with a first step.  I think we should all begin by simply adding our needed 8-10 glasses of water a day and slowly go from there..one meal, day, week, and year at a time.  Babysteps.

They that wait...

...shall go insane?

...shall grow impatient and take the "bull by the horns"

...shall fill their time with other distractions in an effort to make time pass more quickly

...shall renew their strength????

Really, waiting is supposed to be renewing?  What's the catch??

The other day the OA and I gathered up our sweet kiddos and our stack of DHS paperwork on his very first day off in many and very last day off for seven after...a now or never kind of mentality pushing us out the door.  I offered to continue to wait (they only do finger printing one day a week from 8am to noon) but his schedule has taken an off-road-crazy-kinda-turn and he felt if we waited again, it may never happen.

We went to two wrong places before locating the right place (County jail #2...yowza...note to self...don't bring kids with you to get your FP's taken) and then we didn't have exact change and subsequently had to go up the road to a gas station which (of course) we passed and had to turn around...feeling my pain yet?

Exhausted, angry, and completely void of all "warm & fuzzies" one would envision that a day of humbly following God's plan should provide (HA!), I looked at my Hero and said:  it sure is a lot more fun MAKING a baby than it is trying to foster or adopt one.

He only half chuckled...this was the third time we'd gotten into the truck already...and was not even close to being the last.

OA went in first.  I sat in the County jail's waiting room with my children and watched jaw-on-lap-eyes-wide-open as a man scraped an almost empty (yeah the glass was NOT half full that day) jar of peanut butter with a FORK????  His baby watched his father with the same expression as I.  Of course J-bob is allergic to peanuts and I didn't want the man to think me rude, but all I could think of was as many ways to put as much room in between my son and that man.  He finally put the jar away and I was able to relax enough to see him as a human.  I wondered who he was waiting for; I think it was the baby's Mom who was being released from jail.

After half an hour, the OA comes out and it's my turn to go back.  I couldn't take my cell phone.  I had to wait for what felt like FOREVER with absolutely nothing to do.  It's been 7 weeks since my last run (stress fracture and that's an important aside as any who know me well enough understands what running does for my mental well-being) and my "dream" of finally beginning the adoption process was being shattered by wrong turns, wrong change, fork-eaten-peanut-butter, and murmured discussion by the jail officers detailing the rape of an 87 year old woman.  I wanted to run on my broken foot through the shatter-proof windowed security locked doors and scream:  NEVER MIND...this isn't worth it.  It's already too painful.  I want my now-happy world where my worst fears for my children are food allergies, autism, and staying away from bullies on the playground.  I simply cannot do THIS.  So I prayed and confessed and waited some more.

Finally, I was escorted through more doors.  I had to walk on a certain side of a red line.  It was cold, bare, and eerily silent save the rape conversation still pulsing through my mind.  My officer was extremely serious and didn't even make eye contact.  After a few minutes, I managed to make her laugh.  I know she loves Coke and has a 15 month old.  I love watching someone go through the motions of their job and then the surprise on their face as I inevitably say something that disarms them...if even just for the moment.  A friend of mine calls it my "gift".   I think it's more of a curse...my constant weirdness spilling onto those around me allowing them to feel quite-comfortable as themselves knowing full well they are not as odd as I.  Either way, it's fun touching a life.  It makes that one eternal moment of waiting worth it when I finally get to connect again.  I'm so glad our God is a personal God.

It took us over an hour just to get our fingerprints made...a ten minute process at best.  We left there and got our paperwork notarized.  It all still sits on my counter...another day just to find an appropriate envelope and now two more has passed while I try to remember to copy the BACK of my husband's driver's license.  More waiting.

All of my urgency...my need to get things done...it's waiting, too.  My personality's biggest flaw (well, one of many) is rushing.  I realized about the time my children reached "childhood" stage that I desperately need to slow things down...breathe them in...because as soon as I exhale...it will all be passed.  I am learning the value of TODAY.  I don't want to miss out on a second of what is in front of me TODAY, who He wants me to love TODAY, what He wants me to learn TODAY...not one single bit.

There's a bit more to this story of waiting...some big decisions that have been made that I will share later...in the mean time...I must rest in the promise that "they who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength".  If I  only allow it to be so.

Isaiah 40:31

King James Version (KJV)

³¹ But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.