weary soul

i am tired
beyond words
my soul is weary
yet i cannot cry
i am so tired of talking and reading and researching
i am tired of ignorance
does anyone think before they ask questions
do they realize this is my life, my child, my children?
awareness is so hard to advocate when you have no sleep
when it's your reality
your wound
two boys at church turn five this month
jaden turns five, too
five...expectations are inevitable at this age...

finally the tears...i haven't been able to really cry for weeks
i feel empty. numb.

we had to leave church on sunday because jaden wanted to play trains instead of listening to the lesson.
really, do i even have to educate a sunday school teacher on flexibility and creativity...??
instead we leave...the family ritual...always leaving for a melt down.

what does a mommy melt down look like??
tired eyes, weary soul, complete withdraw...
my brain is cluttered with diet interventions, supplement schedules, shot administrations, therapy appointments, school placement, work, kids, marriage...sigh...my poor marriage...i feel incapable of focusing on marital involvement...and i feel like i am drifting away...my incredible husband keeps swimming after me...pulling me out of the water i am drowning in...how long til he grows weary...weary of always having to pull me back????
it's overwhelming the things i still have to learn...the battles i still have to fight...the love i still have to give...sigh...
my soul is so weary,
i am crying out...LORD...please...still my heart...still my mind...give me peace...peace in my soul...
for once in my life...i am tired of talking...