Man...I am not quite sure where to begin? Knowing me it'll be somewhere in the middle.
Actually, I will start on a day in first grade: my first anxiety attack. I can still remember the fear. There was a storm and I was staring out big windows crying...sobbing...because I was afraid for my mom's life. Apparently, she felt in her soul that I needed her and came and got me. It was that intense...a cosmic cry for help that mother's (thank you Holy Spirit) feel.
Fast forward to one week ago. I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack. How is one sound asleep woken with anxiety? I had been sick for three weeks prior to and decided at that moment I was going to the doctor in the morning.
I have tried: prayer, diet, exercise, knitting, sewing, writing, talking, breathing, more prayer, denial, acceptance.
My tipping point was the realization that I truly have dealt with the demons of my past and accepted and embraced my role a special needs mom. My marriage has been restored and my family has never been closer to God. Things are great. But I am full of anxiety. Seriously?
I struggle with the thoughts that I am a child of God who rests fully in His Protection. I have never once doubted that. As a child I would close my eyes and pictures His fiery angels holding hands around my bed...my house...my brother...my mom. He has brought us out of so much. Why would I ever need more than that knowledge to ease my mind?
I think the answer is near. I think that as my mind is learning to take flight, I will be more confident in putting those thoughts into words. Right now I am taking a very small pill every morning. For the first time in my life, I have been able to identify and dismiss a thought. In the past I have lost days of sleep ruminating over one thought which only intensified as I rebuked myself for knowing how stupid it was that I was unable to let it go.
Last night was my biggest test. It was my ten year anniversary. It was the most incredible day that I have ever spent with my husband. As I was falling asleep, my mind turned on me. The attack was swift and powerful. I have not had these memories of my former step father in many many years. For the first time, these memories did not cripple my mind...my relationship...me. I allowed myself to remember. I said my prayer of eternal thankfulness. I rolled over. I went to sleep.
I am taking these broken wings and learning to fly again.
God is still in control. I still have faith. I just needed to allow Him to give me a splint for a while. Before I know it, He will have me soaring on mended wings!
3 comments:
That was a HUGE step toward healing and peace. Thanks for sharing. I know how difficult it is for you to even think about the past-much less write openly. You are so special!
When my very very good friend began having anxiety attacks she would ask me to pray over her. She was so frustrated that she could not just "get over it". I believe the Holy Spirit put these words in my mouth for her... "If your body is sick and you are in the bathroom puking your guts out, do you kick yourself for not being able to just get over it? For not praying enough or trusting God enough? No, if it doesn't get better you go to a Dr. and get some medicine. Well sometimes our brains are sick and need a Dr. too, and it doesn't mean anything at all about our spiritual condition. :-)
...lifting you up... thanking God that He is in control.
p.s.Love your mom's blog. Helps me understand my sister (you met her) so much better. :-) God has a way of putting people together in the strangest ways for such magnificent reasons.
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